“Martin, I’m telling you as your friend and as the party’s cleric, that you gotta stop picking fights with everyone we meet,” Murdock said as he set his phone on his kitchen counter. “You have like, the worst max hp I’ve ever seen for literally any character ever — like, how did that even happen?”

  “It’s not my fault that I have the worst luck on the planet,” came Martin’s defensive reply through the speaker of Murdock’s cheap phone.

  “And you’re one to talk,” Martin added accusingly, “Uriel Smiter has gotten the party in an awful lot of sticky situations for a supposedly ‘law abiding’ and ‘righteous’ cleric.”

  “What can I say?” Murdock replied coyly. “Some people just need to be smited. It’s in the name dude. And so far, he’s been pretty good at it.”

  Murdock leaned against the counter lazily, next to his twin sister, Noelle. They were both scrolling through their phones to find a new pizza crust recipe to use for their newly adopted tradition of making pizza before their weekly Raiders & Ruins sessions. Noelle insisted on making a competition out of this mundane task, as she did with everything, and Murdock wasn’t about to let himself lose again.

  “You know, there’s a good reason why I keep telling you to invest a little bit into constitution regardless of your class,” Murdock said with a smirk. “Uriel Smiter can get away with his shenanigans because he actually has health. If you weren’t a rogue, I’d tell you that you were going to end up being a glass cannon. As it stands, you’re just glass.”

  Noelle looked up from her phone.

  “Are we sure Martin isn’t dyslexic?” Noelle asked jokingly, before she added, “‘Cause I’m pretty sure he’s been leveling his charisma instead.”

  “What’s wrong with leveling up charisma?” Martin whined. “And for your information, I’ve been working on maximizing my dexterity before I invest into anything else. But let’s be real here. In like, any high fantasy story maybe ever, what rogue isn’t notoriously charming and persuasive?”

  Murdock gave Noelle an exasperated look as she rolled her eyes in amusement.

  “Do you mean like every incarnation of Robin Hood?” Murdock asked with a grin. “Because outside of that, I can’t think of any. But seriously, the whole reason you haven’t fixed your hp issues is because of a stupid cliche?”

  “Cliches only exist because they work,” Martin argued. “Which is why I plan on investing heavily into charisma once I max my dex stats.”

  “Great plan!” Noelle chirped as she hopped off the counter and triumphantly held out her phone to show Murdock the recipe she had found. “I hope it works out just as well as it did for your last three characters!”

  Murdock raised an eyebrow as he saw that Noelle had indeed found something new. It would appear that Murdock lost this round. He would take his loss gracefully — well, he would pretend not to be butthurt about it and claim that he wasn’t really looking that hard anyway, just to save face. Besides, he trusted her culinary tastes far better than his own.

  “My last three characters made their mistakes, I’ll admit,” Martin said, drawing Murdock’s attention back to his own phone. “But Murphy McSwift is built different!”

  Murdock gave Noelle a begrudging thumbs up and then grabbed his phone, and brought it closer to his face to speak into it.

  “‘Built different’, huh?” Murdock inquired. “Who was it who made your previous characters’ decisions again? And remind me again how they all died.”

  “W-well, um-” Martin stammered, before he got cut off.

  Noelle had snatched the phone from Murdock’s hand, then walked over to the cabinet where they kept their baking ingredients.

  "Sivle the Bard? Eaten by a dragon after trying to seduce it," Noelle said, handing Murdock various ingredients. "Agron the Ranger? Mauled by an angry griffon after you tried stealing its kid. Mandalf? Used a fire spell in a coal mine. Ringing any bells?”

  “Mandalf lived and died a legend, and I stand by it!” Martin replied in defiance.

  It was at this point that Murdock decided to take his phone back - mostly because Noelle was about to start making the pizza dough, which would require both of her hands.

  “Oh, I’m sure there are legends all across Astatria about the stroke of brilliance that left behind a crispy wizard,” Murdock joked, trying to keep himself from laughing.

  “He died a hero!” Martin exclaimed, “We were being chased by a horde of goblins that totally would have killed everyone! He covered the party’s escape, and died in the process. It was a necessary sacrifice!”

  “Was it really though?” Murdock asked. “If I remember correctly, there were like ten goblins max. And the only reason they were dangerous at all was because Uriel was on the brink of death after already risking life and limb trying to rescue Mandalf from the avoidable blunder that got us into that situation in the first place. He didn’t cover anyone’s escape — he was almost the one who got everyone killed. If it weren’t for Uriel Smiter, the rest of the party would be dead.”

  Martin scoffed.

  “Well, if I remember correctly, Mandalf took down the goblins chasing you — and the ones deeper in the mine," Martin argued. "Uriel's shield saved their lives, but Mandalf spared you from at least two deadly encounters.”

  “Yeah, well Mandalf also spared them from Mandalf!” Noelle said, cackling as she mixed the pizza dough.

  “I think the key takeaway here is that your misfortune is caused by user error — not bad luck,” Murdock grinned as he added his remark.

  “Fair enough,” Martin replied with a chuckle. “But hey, if you guys are making pizza again this week, do you guys still have jalapenos?”

  Murdock wasn’t surprised by the sudden change of topic, but he frowned as he opened his fridge and rummaged through the messy shelves to see if he could find the peppers in question. He made a mental note to clean it out whenever he got the chance.

  “Um…” Murdock began to say as he moved several containers of leftovers from one shelf to the other, slightly less crowded shelf. “No, I don’t think we do. I have no idea what happened to them — besides, how long do sliced jalapenos even last?”

  In truth, Murdock did have some idea of what might have happened to the ziplock bag of sliced jalapenos. Unfortunately, the most likely culprit was Noelle’s annoying friend Luna. She always seemed to find a way to inconvenience him.

  “Oh, I let Luna take them home with her after our last session,” Noelle informed him while washing her hands. “She wanted them, and we weren’t gonna use them for anything.”

  That confirmed his suspicions. Murdock sighed and closed the old refrigerator.

  “That’s fine, I’ll eat whatever — I was just asking cause I know Cam likes ‘em.” Martin’s upbeat voice returned through the speaker.

  “Sounds good dude,” Murdock replied in a forced casual tone, shooting his sister an annoyed look. “Anyway, I know I already asked in the group chat this morning, but did Cameron bring his dice? Erin had those dice custom made, so he’d be pretty disappointed if Cameron forgets them again.”

  “I assume so,” Martin said. “Erin already bothered him about it like, a hundred times this week.”

  Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

  “Hey Cam, did you…” Martin said, addressing his friend before heaving a sigh, then he groaned in frustration.“ Damn it...”

  “You forgot to pick him up from work again, didn’t you?” Murdock guessed with a chuckle.

  “Maybe...”

  “Well, I’ll let you two figure that one out,” Murdock said. “I should probably help Noelle-”

  “Oh, I see how it is,” Martin cut him off with a sarcastically hurt tone of voice. “You’re just gonna abandon a friend in his moment of distress huh?”

  “You brought that distress upon yourself,” Murdock joked with a laugh. “In any case, Noelle might get violent if I make her do all the work.”

  “Right, we wouldn’t want that,” Martin said with a snort. “I heard med students can be pretty dangerous with a knife.”

  Glancing up at his sister, he saw the smirk plastered on her face as she interjected impishly, “There’s a good reason for that, you know!”

  “You should probably be calling Cameron,” Murdock said with exasperation, rolling his eyes. “He’s probably wondering where you’re at.”

  “Yeah, I guess I should. See you-”

  Martin’s farewell was cut short as Murdock hung up on him.

  He dropped his phone onto the counter with a sigh. Murdock’s friends could be a handful, but for some reason he couldn’t help finding Martin’s lack of game awareness slightly endearing. He may be a bit goofy where R&R was concerned, but he was honestly a pretty chill guy to hang out with outside of their game night hijinks.

  It took him a moment to realize that Noelle was staring at him with an expectant look. He was about to ask what it was for, but he remembered that he did just tell Martin that he was going to help her…

  "The kitchen always turns into a disaster zone when we make pizza," Murdock said, putting away the extra ingredients. "You know, ordering online is always an option."

  "Maybe for you," Noelle said, covering the bowl of dough with a towel. "But how can I trust food I didn't watch being made?"

  Murdock rolled his eyes. "What, are you afraid they're gonna poison your pizza?"

  "No," she said seriously. "But I can't guarantee their hands are clean, the food's fresh, or the temperature's right. Why do you think our kitchen’s spotless?"

  "Touché," Murdock said, hopping onto the counter. "Honestly, if anyone tried to poison you, I'd wish them luck."

  Noelle smirked. "Meaning you hope they fail, or...?"

  He shrugged. "Depends. If you ever had a bounty on your head, I’d just want to know if the payout was worth getting involved."

  "Honestly? I'd be flattered," Noelle said, tossing the rag in the sink.

  Murdock grinned. "Same. If someone thinks you're that much of a problem, you must be doing something right."

  Just as he finished speaking, someone else entered the kitchen. Murdock knew of only one person that could have gotten into their apartment without his knowledge. And his skin crawled as he heard the new person speak.

  “You two have some serious problems,” Luna said with an emotionless voice.

  This day couldn't get any worse, Murdock thought with an internal groan. He could handle it during their weekly Raiders and Ruins sessions, but this?

  “Noelle,” Murdock said after taking a deep breath. “Why is there a parasite in our kitchen?”

  His sister rolled her eyes.

  “Oh, quit being so dramatic,” Noelle said, shooting him a glare. “I let her spend the night. I thought I told you that already, but I guess you were too busy playing games with Cam to remember that. But I didn’t think it would be a problem since she’s joining tonight’s session anyway.”

  “Is that why you slept on the couch last night?” Murdock asked with a derisive snort.

  “I mean, yeah,” Noelle answered with a shrug. “She’s the guest.”

  “So, she took your bed last night and slept in until two,” Murdock began in a grating tone. “She stole our jalapenos last week, and to top it all off, she said we have problems! But do you wanna know what the real problem is? That parasite that just waltzed right in here like she owned the place.”

  “This ‘parasite’ has a name you know,” said the parasite in a flat tone. “And if you really want to know, my psychotic roommate had her boyfriend over — which she kindly decided not to warn me about in advance. You’re really better off not knowing the details.”

  As the girl spoke, her expression did not deviate in the slightest - it seemed to be stuck in a constant state of boredom as she walked over to the cabinet where they kept their cups.

  To Murdock, Noelle and Luna were exact opposites. Noelle had sandy blonde hair and bright, blue eyes - like Murdock’s, though they’re just fraternal twins. But Luna had hair as black as a raven’s feathers and her dark green eyes lacked the same vibrant radiance of his sister.

  Luna had the emotional range of a paperweight and the sarcastic bite of a broken blender. Murdock couldn't figure out how his bright, bouncy sister befriended someone so cold — or why Erin was crazy enough to let her join their Raiders & Ruins sessions.

  In fairness, Luna was quite different when she played Raiders and Ruins to the point that it almost gave Murdock whiplash. Luna somehow laughed, smiled, and caused more chaos than even Murdock — which was saying something.

  If he had to spend the rest of the afternoon around this deviant until the session started, he was going to lose his mind. There had to be someone he could blame for this indignity. Luna’s roommate, perhaps? Luna herself, for having an inconsiderate roommate?

  “Oh yeah, about tonight’s session,” Luna said suddenly as she filled her cup with water from the sink. “Didn’t you guys see the text from Erin?”

  “What text?” Murdock asked irritably.

  Luna raised an eyebrow, and brought the cup to her mouth as she said, “The one about the session being canceled. How could you even miss it?”

  Murdock reached for his phone and read the text. Tonight’s session is canceled, due to the end of the world.

  Murdock couldn’t resist scoffing as he read the words again.

  “Of course it’s canceled,” Murdock said while he narrowed his eyes.

  “I wonder what he means by ‘the end of the world,’” Noelle wondered aloud.

  She slipped her phone into the pocket of her jeans, then made her way back to her spot on the countertop.

  “He’s a game master,” Luna stated bluntly. “I think it’s somewhere in his job description to be dramatic. It’s probably something stupid.”

  “He’s a problem is what he is,” Murdock grumbled.

  “Cut him some slack,” Noelle insisted with a giggle. “I’m sure we’ll get an explanation later and we can always just reschedule the session.”

  Luna set down her half-empty cup of water and leaned against the sink.

  “Maybe the world really is ending and he’s got some insider information.” Luna said as she cracked a smile.

  “Well at least both scenarios don’t include the use of my laptop,” Murdock said with a sigh. “Connecting it to the TV is a real pain in the ass — I’m telling you, our HDMI cord has a short in it or something — or our TV is just broken.”

  “Just make ‘camera man’ - or whatever his name is - worry about the tech stuff,” Luna drawled lazily. “That’s pretty much his thing.”

  Murdock was about to say something to retort, but was cut off as the front door to their apartment opened and Martin walked in.

  “Yo,” Martin greeted as he entered. “What’s this stuff about the end of the world?”

  “What makes you think we know what that nut job is talking about?” Luna asked dryly. “Did you try texting him yourself?”

  Martin looked at Murdock and pointed at Luna.

  “Why is the chick from The Addams Family here right now?” Martin asked.

  "Long story. Roommate drama," Murdock said, already regretting it.

  "Fair enough," Martin muttered, glancing around. "Anyway—what’s this about the end of the world?"

  Luna rolled her eyes, but chose to stay silent.

  “Luna asked a pretty good question though,” Noelle pointed out. “Did anyone actually reply to Erin’s text?”

  Martin shot her a glance as he took off his backpack.

  “I tried to, but I lost cell service.” Martin answered.

  “That's odd," Luna muttered, checking her phone. She frowned. "I don't have service either."

  “It’s fine, we can ask him later,” Murdock said dismissively. “Were you at least able to work things out with Cameron?”

  Martin nodded as he removed the snapback hat on his bald head (which he had shaved to hide his receding hairline) and stuffed it into his bag. Murdock cringed as he watched him. He kept telling him that he was going to bend the brim if he kept doing that, but Martin didn’t seem to care.

  “Yeah,” Martin replied as he zipped his bag shut. “He’s taking the bus. He should be here in ten minutes - it’s only one stop, so maybe even five.”

  He dropped his backpack by the door and joined them in the small kitchen.

  “Well,” Luna sighed. “Since we’ve got nothing better to do, do you guys want to fill me in on what’s actually been happening these last few sessions? Erin’s recaps are way too long and I have the attention span of a goldfish.”

  “You would know a whole lot more if you didn’t just tune him out,” Murdock said bluntly. “But if you want lore, you gotta be more specific.”

  “Fine,” Luna said flatly. “Since his name keeps popping up every session, why don’t you guys tell me about Erolith Eildithas?”