***

  I watch myself getting dunked into the sink by Erica fucking Swells.

  It's still hot in third person.

  I think my bullying kink is really gonna get me into trouble one of these days.

  [Yes it will.]

  Gestalt is here too. Standing right next to the me that is watching myself get dunked on. I can't quite perceive them. Their presence is vague.

  ‘I’m dreaming huh?’

  [Yes.]

  ‘Why did she hate me so much?’

  [We have only briefly scanned your memories. But we believe it was a combination of jealousy and resentment.]

  ‘Why would she be jealous of me? I would have given her anything she wanted!’ Yes, I'm a disgusting simp. I know. Fuck off.

  [She was jealous of the attention you received from human males.]

  ‘But I never wanted any of that!’

  [She knew, she resented you because you had what she wanted and you didn't even value it.]

  ‘...’

  ‘So it wasn't like she had a secret crush on me, but her internalized homophobia wouldn't allow her to show it?’ wishful thinking, I know.

  [No, she did not appear to be homophobic. From our observation of your memories, one of her close friends appears to be a lesbian.]

  ‘Really? Who?’

  [It is hard to discern, your brain is particularly bad at categorizing names. But we believe it is the one named Penny.]

  ‘Huh, really?’ she was always the one that I remembered.

  [We are not 100% certain but Penny seems to stare at you a lot in your memories and shows signs of affection. Like biting her lip, playing with her hair, rubbing circles on your belly when ‘bullying’ you.]

  What the fuck. ‘Seriously?’

  [These are your memories.]

  ‘Why didn't she say anything?!’ I know I have a massive lady boner for Erica fucking Swells. But I was a virgin in sixth form. I was down to clown.

  [We believe she tried to, you appear to be both unobservant and difficult to talk to. You did not put yourself out there.]

  ‘I tried! I wore the pride pin and had the carabiner and everything.’

  [You tried for one day. Then Erica Swells called you a ‘wannabe dyke, trying to claim oppression points’ and you gave up.]

  ‘No, I went soft butch!’

  [No, you hid in your hoodie.]

  ‘You are an awful friend.’

  [We are only stating what you already know.]

  I felt something then, but not my own feeling, they are a little hurt by my comment?

  [We are not hurt by your comment. The sub brain that interfaces with your control slug does not have the capacity for emotional distress.]

  ‘I feel like I'm talking to more than just one of your sub brains.’ I don't know how I felt that, but I did.

  [...]

  I felt their silence. They are perturbed?

  [You are correct…]

  [We seemed to have unconsciously assigned more brain power to this conversation than was necessary.]

  [We need to audit. Dream is over.]

  I woke up.

  ***

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  We had porridge again for breakfast, and after getting dressed in my new Victorian dark academia fit, we went back out into the city for more shopping.

  I've always gotten looks and I'm not the type of person to whine about how hard it is to be pretty.

  …

  Wait no, I am exactly that person. Damn.

  Anyway back on track, I’ve always gotten looks, but the attention I'm getting now is kinda wild. People are openly staring at me. Yes the fit is making me look like I'm the fucking mummy. But it's more than that, they start at the fit, go to the face and then stop at the metal collar. With everything else going on I had kinda forgotten it was there.

  “Hey Maria, why is everyone looking at my collar?”

  “They are for aberrant rift walkers hun. Basically you are a walking bomb. If anything happens to that collar you will wreck at least half a block when you explode.”

  “Oh, huh.” That's not terrifying. “Anything we can do about that?”

  “Yes. You essentially need surgery to repair your mana core. Once the crack is fixed you will be stable enough to take the collar off.”

  “That sounds like a good idea.”

  “Yeah, it's better to get it sorted early. I was giving you a few days to settle in, but if you think you are ready we can start the process now if you like.”

  “Yeah sure, better sooner than later I guess.”

  There are no cars in the City of Doors. Or even horse and carriages, the streets too narrow to get much pass other than foot traffic.

  The primary way to get around was by elevators and trains. Honestly, it reminded me a lot of the London underground.

  The other way was by void barges. The bigger ones are floating around outside the city, but there are these narrow, gondola-like barges that float just above the streets. They seem to fill the roles of trucks and taxis. Seems like a rich people thing.

  Which is why I’m in one! Being rich is fucking awesome. Well part of a rich family. You know what I mean.

  I wasn't like poor poor growing up. My mum worked at St. Guy’s as a specialist nurse. But we weren't exactly rich either. London rent you know.

  The gondola takes us through the city by using long poles with hooks on the end to drag the barge around the streets. It takes a crew of three men working together to stop the unwieldy thing crashing into buildings and destroying peoples homes.

  We eventually arrived at a doctor's office. I can tell because the sign is a pair of bloody crossed scalpels. Which isn't ominous at all.

  The receptionist checks us in and we sit in a waiting room, which somehow looks exactly like every doctor's waiting room that has ever existed.

  Ten minutes in I want to kill myself from the boredom; there is no TV, I have no phone. There is just the tick from a clock on the wall. Forever.

  I miss my mum.

  Thankfully, before I go into a full existential crisis, the doctor calls us in.

  And I have another sort of crisis because the doctor is a spider.

  Okay. No, that's rude. The top half is a lovely looking lady with long black hair, dark grey skin, elf ears, and a lab coat.

  The bottom half is a fucking spider.

  I thought my horny knew no bounds but it turns out once you add a thorax to a lady, my clam snaps shut.

  …Top half is hot though.

  “Hello, Seren.” Maria address the terrifying spider lady that has eight fuck off huge black legs.

  “Welcome, Maria. You have brought me a new aberrant I see.”

  “Yeah, core crack after a run in with the infinite archives. It happened three days ago. We managed to track and catch her after her third jump.”

  Seren the spider nightmare looked impressed. “That was quick. Hopefully the damage will not be too extensive.”

  Seren turns to me. “Hello…?”

  Oh fuck, she wants me to talk to her. I just want to scream. What does she want? Oh my name.

  “Tangerine.”

  She smiles at me like a fucking predator. Okay, no, it's a nice smile. Shame it's on a fucking spider!

  “Would you mind laying on the bed, Tangerine? So we can take a good look at you.”

  Fuck that, I bet she wants to lay her eggs down my throat… Well I mean, that's not, not hot.

  I managed to put one foot in front of the other anyway and laid myself on the bed.

  Fuck she’s so fucking huge, and not even in a good, hot mummy way. She could stand over me if she wanted to.

  I know this because that's literally what she's fucking doing. I can see all the hairs on her… undercarriage? She's not wearing clothes down here.

  The first time I get a half naked lady on top of me and she's a fucking spider.

  The top half leans over me, poking and prodding me with a whole bunch of instruments that I don't understand. I'm just laying here trying not to panic.

  But you know, for a horrible spider monster of death, she's very gentle.

  Still couldn't but starting to wish I could.

  Maybe.

  Her legs skitter over me as she goes to collect a new tool.

  Nope. Nope. Nope. Oh God.

  After centuries of torture, while she mutters to herself and looks at me through a strange lens, she finally gets off me and lets me sit up.

  If she notices the sheen from all my terror sweat, she's kind enough to not mention it.

  “Well for a natural core it's surprisingly large. The colour leans gray, and the crack is very clean.” She said to Maria, who I guess is my legal guardian now? Or my owner. I try not to think about how close I am to being a slave. “Could be sealed, but it would be a shame to waste it. I know she's new, and young. But that core is in the perfect state for expansion.”

  Maria looks pensive at that.

  “That was a lot of information there?” I ask, both confused and worried.

  Seren answers. “Natural cores are rare and normally small. Your’s is surprisingly large. The larger the core the more mana it can cycle. Also, the further you can rift walk. Mana comes in different types. Your core leans grey which is a neutral sort of mana. So, you can absorb and cycle all types but neutral mana will come far easier than other types. As for the crack, when you made your first jump, your core divided into two equal halves. This is the first step in a process, known as expansion, that most Rift Officers go through. Both Maria and I have gone through the procedure.”

  “You’re a Rift officer?” I ask the terrifying spider lady.

  “No. I do not have the type of core that allows me to create rifts between planes. That is a vanishingly rare talent. We still don't really know why a rift walker's core is different.”

  “Okay so what's the benefit of doing the expansion thing?”

  “The procedure involves splitting the core, creating a small rift within and then resealing it. This will give you access to your inner domain.”

  “Inner domain?”

  Maria raises her hand towards me. “It lets you store stuff.” Her hand was empty, and then there was a gun in it. One of those old looking ones, like a cowboy would use. “It takes time and mana to put some in there and mana again to take something out. But it can be very useful in a pinch.”

  She tucks the gun into her belt. I guess it can't go straight back into her core then. She turns back to the spider lady. “Thanks, Seren. I'll talk it over with Tangerine. When can you do the procedure?”

  “I can be ready for the day after tomorrow.” Seren said.

  “That works for us.”

  We bid the terrifying spider lady goodbye and make the journey back to Maria's house.

  I spent my evening playing with Emily and having dinner with the whole family. Which works as a great distraction from all of the everything that has overwhelmed me the last few days.

  Once in bed I rub three out, which means I'm finally tired enough to sleep without crying.

  ***