I am a God’s chosen warrior, that is a certainty.

  ‘Why?’ You may ask out loud.

  Because there is no way in hell’s warm fire that this shit is nothing but some kind of test.

  “Then what are you, Your Grace?” Stevin asked, scratching his hair, “You claim not to be a vampire, yet, forgive me, you look like one. You also have no recollection of the last half a millennium of events, and use terms that I fail to comprehend.”

  To be fair, it is a decent question, with decent points backing it up, which is precisely the point that annoyed me at the moment.

  “If I told you I am a human, you would not believe me,” I replied, quite offended.

  “See? Never a proper answer with you,” Stevin pointed out, “Circling around questions, or dismissing them entirely.”

  It may seal the deal in their mind, but a question invaded my brain. One I wanted answered.

  “Say,” I sighed, moving my eyes between the two of them, “What’s wrong with vampires either way? There are many races out there, no?”

  They blinked, trying to find an answer to my question.

  [Warning.]

  [The ‘Guests’ are now Certain the ‘Subject’ is a Vampire Lord.]

  Ah, but of course. Much appreciated, Ephe.

  “T-there’s nothing wrong with them,” Enna stuttered, “As long as they don’t… You know, eat you and stuff.”

  “Luckily, a Vampire Lord is the best kind of Vampire,” Stevin said, matter-of-factly, “They have all the advantages a race as the Vampire has, but can also survive on more… normal sources of food.”

  Is there even hope anymore? Should I even attempt to dismiss the baseless accusations?

  Let’s try this one more time.

  “No, I am not-

  “It’s fine, really,” said Enna, interrupting me, “As long as you do not eat us and stuff, I vow not to try and attack you anymore nor reveal who and what you are.”

  “So do I,” Stevin felt like adding.

  …

  Yep. Fuck this.

  “Let’s just go,” I gave up.

  Another issue had revealed itself to me after a few more hours of straight walking. Sleeping.

  Somehow, it had slipped past my mind that I had no tent, nor anything to sleep on, for that matter.

  “No, Your Grace, I insist that you rest your eyes,” Stevin said, after I told them I could keep first watch, knowing damn well I couldn’t sleep on the ground no matter how tired I was.

  “Yes, we can easily keep watch just the two of us,” Enna laughed sheepishly. “We can’t put a King to watch for us while we sleep peacefully.”

  Yep, you guessed it. They were scared shitless.

  “You know,” I sighed, trying to ignore the headache that promised to ruin my night, “If I were a Vampire, not saying I am, but if I were, why would I go and risk my life while saving the two of you from that snakebird, or walk with you for an entire day and eat you in your sleep when I could’ve done all that from the comfort of my damn home and not go through all this trouble?”

  “Fair point,” Stevin nodded, thinking for a while, “Still, a King ought to sleep, not watch for lowly ones as ourselves. So please, Your Grace, enjoy your sleep.”

  And with that, the two of them turned to watch the small fire they made, leaving me to sit by myself in the darkness of the giant forest.

  ‘Ephe,’ I thought in my mind, ‘How is my Mental State looking?’

  [Subject: Elio Welchia.]

  [Mental State: Stable]

  ‘Really? By the damn headache that these two idiots brought me, I could’ve sworn it was deteriorating,’ I explained to her, ‘How could this be?’

  [The ‘Subject’ knows the Answer.]

  I leaned against a tree, sighing at the new puzzle piece Ephe gave me. I didn’t know anything.

  All I knew was that I was surrounded by two people who, despite their vows, could’ve still had it for me, in a forest that may have been filled with abominations and creatures that might have been just as, if not worse than, the savages or that godlike being.

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  I never wanted to be here, in this place, in this world. All I had to do was bury my wife and grieve her passing somehow.

  Yet, here I was, working with unknown entities and a voice inside my head, towards achieving their goals, only because they promised me they could and would revive Julia once I’m done.

  So I did whatever they told me, despite my ways, despite how I was, despite the way I lived my life until now.

  And now I was some sort of ruler, reigning over a Castle, considered a Vampire Lord and a King by the people I saved from being eaten by a God.

  In a place with no beds, no toilets, and no decently soft toilet paper.

  This type of plot twist ought to be some sort of joke.

  That was when it hit me. Somehow, through all of that, I stopped grieving, I stopped being my introverted self, and, despite my ample complaints, it was kind of… fun.

  I still missed Julia, and I still thought that it would be easier if I could just hurl myself off the balcony and join her wherever she is.

  But… this wasn’t that bad either.

  “Should we try to run from the Vampire Lord in the night?” Stevin whispered to Enna.

  “You. Damn. Brat.”

  “Y-Your Grace, wait,” Enna stuttered, light magic gathering in her hands, “He was just joking.”

  Somehow, I managed to sleep for a few hours, but as I suspected, the modern man is not made for the discomfort our ancestors went through.

  Despite all the history I knew, I never really stood and experienced parts of their daily lives.

  It was common for soldiers, even high-ranking people, to have nothing to sleep on but hay or straight raw-dogging the ground during the night.

  Respectable, I’ll give them that, but not my cup of tea. I had enough curses put on me to at least demand a bed through it all.

  On another note, Stevin and Enna did not try to run, burn me, put a wooden stake in my heart, or spread garlic on their bodies just in case.

  They were still as silent as ever, but at least they stopped asking questions, perhaps returning to self-reflect on their current lives and what they had been going through as of late, or what their future held for them.

  None of them seemed to have easy lives.

  Enna, despite being a priestess and an adventurer, had lost all the people in her party in the fight against the savages, before she was almost eaten by the snakebird.

  Stevin, despite being the heir to nobles, seemed to have had bad blood with his father and other members of his family, running away due to fearing assassination, only to somehow, after receiving help, still find himself in the same conundrum as Enna was.

  Still, on the surface, they looked fine, undisturbed by the events, walking forward as if that was the only thing they were able to do.

  Despite their annoying personalities, they were strong folk, far stronger than I was. For I was sure I couldn’t do what they were doing, had our lives been reversed.

  If I were the only survivor of a party of seven, seeing them all die around me, especially as a priest, I was certain I would blame myself for their deaths.

  If my family, the only thing that was supposed to love me unconditionally, were to try to assassinate me, I would have certainly made their lives easier by taking it myself.

  Yet, they didn’t. Enna walked straight, her eyes searching our surroundings for any threats, with a goal in mind.

  Stevin, despite knowing what he was heading towards, perhaps because of me or Enna, still moved forward, with a goal in mind.

  I truly respected them, but chose not to either show it or voice it, my own revenge for their annoying personalities and vampiric accusations.

  “This forest is so weird,” Enna said randomly, breaking a silence that had been going on since morning, “The weirdest of the bunch.”

  “Because of the trees?” I asked, curious.

  She nodded sharply at that, “Yes, this is, as far as it is known, the only place in the world where they grow. Their timber’s hard to work with, they bear no fruit, and the only decent thing about them is that they’re enormous and make good firewood.”

  “And not much else grows because of them,” Stevin added, pointing around us. “Look around, no bushes, no other species of trees, just these useless giants.”

  “Fitting,” I chuckled by mistake as I looked at the tree in front of us.

  “What do you mean, Your Grace?” Enna questioned my slip of the tongue.

  I waved her question off, “Nothing to mind, but still, interesting you point that out. The only fruit trees around are those in my garden.”

  “The fruits you gave us are from there?” Stevin asked, surprised.

  “Yes,” I nodded, turning my vision back towards the two, “I didn’t get to show you the garden, right?”

  Enna shook her head, appearing to be thinking on something, “No, and now that Your Grace mentions it, I don’t recall ever seeing a fruit like that either.”

  Oh, brilliant.

  “Ephe, don’t tell me the fruit trees in that place are one of a kind as well,’ I thought in my head.

  [They are.]

  Goddamnit.

  ‘Could you please make sure to tell me to shut the fuck up the next time you see me start blabbering like an old woman?’

  [With pleasure.]

  “Ah, well,” I muttered, trying to escape another round of suspicions, “The seeds were a gift from someone dear to me, I didn’t know what they were when I planted them.”

  “Someone dear to you, Your Grace?” Stevin grinned, “Like a lover?”

  I smiled sadly, just as her green eyes flashed as a memory in my eyes, “Something like that, yes.”

  Ah… my wife. My sweet, beautiful wife.

  Stevin blinked, looking at my reaction, connecting invisible dots in his head, “Are they… oh, forgive me. I didn’t know.”

  …

  God, my luck is atrocious.

  From a lie that I uttered, hoping not to give these two more reasons to be suspicious about me, it somehow turned into this fucking guy guessing the right answer by thinking of the wrong problem.

  He realized I was talking about someone who passed away just from thinking I was some immortal vampire, outliving anyone around me.

  All I needed now was to bring forth the topic of my wife's passing away.

  “It’s fine,” I sighed, breathing the frustration away, “Such is life, after all-”

  But Ephe’s voice interrupted me.

  [Danger.]

  [Several Lifeforms are rushing towards you.]

  [Intent: Kill.]

  The forest went quiet, no wind, no nothing.

  “Your Grace?” Enna asked, seeing that I froze on the spot.

  “Something is coming,” I muttered as I spun around, trying to spot what and from where it was coming.

  Stevin frowned, turning to me. "What do you-"

  [West.]

  "West!" I snapped, following Ephe's instructions, just in time to see four hairless, giant dog-like beasts bursting from behind a tree, barreling down the hill, their grotesque cries a cross between a hyena’s laughter and a bear’s roar.

  “Are those fucking Chupacabras?” I muttered, my body filling with terror at the nightmare-inducing sight running towards us with their mouths agape, packed with black, rotting fangs.

  “Lundud Dogs,” Stevin gasped in horror, as both he and Enna turned to face the beasts, magic gathering at their fingertips.

  [New Directive: Win.]

  Fuck my luck.

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