The hatch down into my dungeon had grown. It was now big enough for my enlarged body to slip through with six inches spare on either side. I hoped it would continue to scale upwards as I grew larger.

  The iron staircase had widened as well, but I didn’t need it this time. The cage was gone, so I leapt out into the cave and spiralled down to the ground. The space was vast; I hadn’t appreciated how enormous this entrance cavern was. It was easily a few hundred metres long, perhaps seventy across, and was fifty or more tall. The stone walls had looked ragged and rough in the dim light of my eyes. But now they were smooth and polished.

  Metallic spheres floated over iron sconces, shining brightly to illuminate the residential floor. The ground was no longer covered in a mycelial web, and I strode through my domain to investigate what work had been completed by the minions while I was distracted by Tex.

  I headed to the first treasure room at Kat’s prompting and snaked my head through the door. The Janglebonks were standing together in one corner. Their big, gormless eyes were closed, and they made quiet purring noises interspersed with the occasional honk.

  I carefully kept my lips sealed and backed away, determined not to be overcome by the delicious scent the weird creatures gave off. I padded away almost silently.

  “How come I can move so quietly?” I asked Kat once we were a short distance down the corridor. “Surely I weigh at least a ton?”

  “Dragons are innately sneaky,” Kat muttered. I did not remember that from any fiction back home. Big, fiery, and lazy all checked out, but stealthy didn’t jibe with what I could remember. “Oh, this is looking good!”

  The rental room looked a lot better than the barracks. The barracks had crude wooden bunk beds, which were unsuitable for the Janglebonks, but a pair of which had been occupied by the Dwelvers, judging by the stained sheets that had been left in piles at the ends of two of the beds. A small sink and what had appeared to be a chemical toilet had rounded out the amenities for the minions.

  The guest quarters were almost luxurious in comparison. A double bed, complete with feather pillows and a down duvet, occupied the centre of the far wall. A desk and a set of bookshelves were on the right, and the minions had built an enclosure in the left-hand corner. I opened the polished wooden door and stuck my snout in. Sure enough, it had a porcelain bath with hot and cold taps. A broad sink stood in front of a mirror, and the entire room was paneled in what looked to be an expensive wood; delicate whorls in the grain were visible under the polished shine of the boards.

  “Why the fuck did we spend so much on this place? That panelling must have cost a fortune! The floorboards look like they came from a country manor!” I snarled.

  “It’s just how the dungeon generates guest rooms.” She slapped me on the ear, and I growled. “This one was seventy-five gold.” I blinked. That wasn’t too bad, now that I thought about it. “The barracks were five.”

  “Why can’t we rent out spots in the barracks? There were another six beds not being used!”

  “No one, and I really do mean no one, would pay to share a room with a pair of Dwelvers. Didn’t you smell it?” Kat asked as she pointed me back towards the staircase.

  “I didn’t want to eat the Janglebonks, so I kept my tongue in my head,” I muttered. I was salivating at the memory of that tiny whiff I’d caught of them in the lair.

  “It can learn!” she chuckled. “Not all scales and muscles after all! I could smell it, and it wasn’t pleasant. Open sewers in cities were before your time on Earth, but it smelled like about fifty of them piled into a tiny room. ”

  “What about the balls of deliciousness?” I asked.

  “They don’t have a sense of smell. They’re not a bad match for the Dwelvers in terms of minions. The guest room will earn about twenty gold a week once we get someone to occupy it. C’mon, big guy, I know you don’t want to do this, but let’s get it over with. Buy the next floor.” I grimaced and pulled up my dungeon screen.

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: 1

  Floors: 2 (Residential) (TBC)

  Rooms: 2

  Sprite level: 1

  Minions: 4/10

  Hoard: 2496 gold

  “Three hundred coins!” I cursed. Then I cursed some more as a new hatch appeared next to the bottom of the staircase. “I’m going to bed. Today has been too expensive!” I started to slither towards the stairs so I could retreat and nurse my poor little hoard. The flat of a tiny longsword smacked me on the back of my head.

  “No sleeping till we’ve made the money back! Onward, donkey!” She waved her sword in a circle over her head, then pointed it at the hatch. Grumbling, I padded over and touched my snout to the metal ring set in the wood. This time, it did creak as it swung upright.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  “Can you tell what type it’s going to be yet?” I whispered. The same iron staircase was waiting for us, caged in just as it was when I bought this floor.

  “Nope. C’mon, let’s go!” I felt another thwack on my skull. I entered the staircase and spiralled down to the portcullis. I nudged it with my nose and waited as the system did whatever it had to do to initiate the floor.

  As the portcullis rose, the lights came up, and I saw my next battleground.

  “Oh! This one should be easy for you!” Kat said happily. The cavern was smaller than the one above, much smaller, and it was lined with gleaming machines. Crystals flickered on displays, and ornate balls on slender shafts twirled about, serving no obvious purpose. I checked the floor and smiled as I found no delicate strands waiting for me. I padded out and spun around. Five tunnels spread out from this central room, all brightly lit, with the occasional mad-scientist machine partially blocking them at various points.

  “Which way? And what are we fighting?” I asked.

  “Doltrons, ole buddy. Doltrons. Acid breath is your friend on this floor. Don’t be afraid to splash it about. The boss is that way, but we have to clear the treasure rooms first. Pick a direction, it doesn’t matter, they’re all the same.”

  I picked one at random and slipped down the corridor silently.

  “Why aren’t we under attack?” I whispered.

  “You don’t need to whisper, Bob. The four mini-bosses are all we’ve got to fight, then we kill the boss, and then we’re done here.”

  “Mini-bosses?” I didn’t like the sound of that.

  “Just don’t fall for their bullshit, OK? Remember: they’re fucking idiots. What am I saying?” I heard her slap a hand to her head. “Remember: if you try and play the game their way, we’ll be here for fucking days. Don’t piss about: acid spray and move on!” I walked down the quiet corridor for a good ten minutes before I came to a door. On the other side was a huge throne, easily twenty feet tall, and sitting on it was a mecha.

  As I arrived, the mecha rose to its feet and struck a pose, one arm bent and the other pointing up and to the side.

  “Did that fucker just dab on me?”

  “Oh, it’s the red one first. That's fine. He gets angry if you let him get into his moves. Let’s go, mate. Acid and out, remember?” I nodded and stepped forward.

  Mini-Boss Battle: Red Doltron! Prepare to face the wrath of Doltrons' emotionally immature member!

  “What villainous beast is this, Oh-ah!” It struck another pose. It towered over me and kept swinging its arms about like it was doing a kata. “You will feel the wrath of the Red Doltron!”

  It fell into a fighting stance and the armour on it’s forehead, over the glowing red eye slits, split apart and a horn of some sort emerged. The armour slammed back together, and Red struck another pose, assuming the crane stance from Karate Kid. The original one, the remake was shit.

  “What the actual– is that what I think it is?” I asked Kat.

  “Yes, Doltron is a dildo-corn. Just try and ignore it,” Kat muttered.

  “I think it’s wobbly?” I muttered in horror.

  “Acid. Breath.” Kat snapped in my ear.

  “You have defiled our secret base on Planet Anrus! You must have snuck in through the back door! Spill your secrets–”

  “Kill this fucking asshole!” Kat grumbled, and I reared back. Strange muscles in my chest and shoulders contracted to launch twin jets of gloopy green acid straight onto Doltrons' dildo-horn. I tracked the jets down to his waist before I ran out of oomph and stepped slowly backward as the puddle spread out around the machine.

  “What the hell, dude! That’s fucking gross!” Red bellowed as parts of his armour smoked and melted away. I prepared to attack again, but Kat rested a hand on my head.

  “He’s done for now. Give it a second… and anytime now…” she said.

  “We will meet again, foul beast!” The mech's arms locked against its sides, and its feet came together; the machine transformed.

  “Why did it just turn into a leg?” I wondered aloud before smoke billowed out, and the newly-made robot leg shot into a hatch in the ceiling that spiraled shut the moment the foot-bot was through.

  The throne dissolved into the ground, revealing a simple wooden chest that looked entirely out of place, surrounded by the science fiction paraphernalia that decorated the floor. With a sigh, I moved over and flipped the lid up with my tail.

  Chest discovered.

  Rolling for contents…

  Congratulations Dungeoneer!

  Item: Dubious Bunny Slippers of Rending x1

  Item: Potion of Discoball x1

  Item: Ascot of Repression x1

  Currency gained: 415 gold

  I reached out and picked up the ascot. It was a dull orange colour, and as I touched it, the thing grew large enough for me to slip it over my head if I wanted to. I turned it left and right, glaring at it through my monocle.

  Item: Ascot of Repression

  Deal with your urges.

  “Not very helpful,” I grumbled.

  “Put it on, Bob,” Kat chuckled. “It will stop you trying to eat the help.”

  “You sure? It’s not really my colour, but OK.” I carefully threaded my head through, avoiding it catching on my horns. As it settled at the base of my neck, I tightened the knot. “How do I look?” I asked, and Kat just snorted.

  “Like Scooby Doo is going to accuse you of eating Fred, You look like an idiot, Bob. But let’s try this: I need five hundred gold, can you give them to me please?” she asked.

  “What do you want them for?” I paused and blinked. “Hey, I didn’t want to kill you for asking to spend my hoard. Huh.”

  “Please, never, ever take the ascot off, Bob.”

  “Well, what did you want the money for?” I asked as I padded back towards the central hub. I’d come back for the other loot later on. Or I could send one of the minions to fetch it once we dealt with the boss.

  “I don’t want any gold right now, Bob. You’re almost endearing, in the way a goldfish is cute.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense?” I muttered. “Which one next?”

  “They’re all just as insane as Red. Please just coat them in acid as soon as we get the prompt this time? These assholes make my skin crawl.”

  “I thought it was kind of–”

  “Just don’t say it, Bob. I’m not in the mood. Sometimes I hate this system. Cultivation is boring as hell, but at least it makes sense most of the time! I don’t know which member of the W.O.O. I pissed off to get sent to a system world.”