I poked at the large metal litter tray that held my loot from the first floor. I had piled everything up and brought it to my lair from the darkness below. With the monocle on, I was getting basic information on each of the items.

  Item: Scroll of Parental Disapproval x1

  Insecurity increases tenfold. Permanent effect

  That was a weird one.

  “You’re sure this is safe?” I asked as I toyed with the silver ring.

  Item: Killjoy Gargant’s Ring Of Virile Enhancement x1

  Makes you big and hard

  “Yeah, it’s not magic viagra. It will boost your body size and weight. Your strength will grow to match it. It’s the same as if you took Increase Mass for a dozen evolutions. It’s probably the best item you got,” Kat said. I’d noticed her eyes were focused on the emerald I’d gotten from killing the boss. It was the same size as her head, a faceted grape that she didn’t seem able to look away from.

  “Who was he?” I asked as I held the ring up and looked at her through it with a single purple eye.

  “Hmmm?” Her eyes snapped up to my face, and she flushed slightly. “Gargant? He had a bit of a problem.” She held up a closed fist and stuck out her pinky finger, then waggled it up and down. “If you take my meaning. Classic story of the skinny wizard who got picked on at school. Rather than hit the gym, or chug Body Fortification pills, he decided to spend forty years perfecting his size-altering spell and finding a way to enchant it onto an item. His neurosis is your gain, though. That ring takes you from baby to juvenile as soon as you slip it onto a finger. Look, can I have this?” she asked, reaching out to rest a hand on the Emerald of Oversight.

  “What’s it worth?” I asked, picking it up in my other foreclaw.

  “To you? Unless you give it to me, nothing much. Another dungeon owner would take it off your hands in a heartbeat if they didn’t have one.”

  “So it’s a valuable treasure?”

  “Yes and no. This type of gem isn’t common, but they aren’t truly rare, either. Most dungeon lords with a sprite can acquire them fairly easily,” she shrugged nonchalantly.

  “How? How can they get them?”

  “The core has access to a trading system, or it will when you decide to part with enough coins to level it up a few tiers. If they don’t get one as they clear the first few levels, they just buy one. Most dungeon lords aren’t as miserly as you are!” she accused.

  I glanced down at her, and my lips curled back in a toothy smile. I passed her the gem, and as it came to rest on her hand, it shrank down until it was a glint of green. She did something to slot the gem into the hilt of her sword, and my precious shiny became a speck of decoration on an eight-inch-long letter opener. She flashed me a radiant smile as she leaned on her newly beautified sword.

  “Now, we need to talk about the first floor. Bob, I know you don’t want to part with any money, but let’s pick a number. I’ll guarantee to double it. The more you let me have, the longer it will take to return, but I can absolutely guarantee you will get twice as much back, eventually. Look, old buddy, you can trust me!” I trusted her well enough in most things at this point. But with my shiny gold coins? I was beginning to think dragons lacked the part of the brain that made that kind of trust possible.

  “How much do you need?” I asked suspiciously.

  “It depends on what you want to do with it. A first floor, right at the top of your dungeon, will be one of the last that any adventurers will get to, so they’re usually used as residential or agricultural levels. Sometimes industrial. But those are usually further down to keep the smoke and smell of manure from filtering up into the main lair,” Kat explained happily, thinking she was getting somewhere.

  “How much?” I repeated eyeing my shinies.

  “Bare minimum? Five hundred coins. That's to turn the top floor into a decent living space with some minor conveniences. Running water, lights, temperature control, just the basics.”

  “I’m not looking to start an Airbnb. No one lives here apart from us? You aren’t even solid most of the time, and I already have the comfiest, shiniest bed in the world.” I waved my tail protectively over my hoard.

  “At the moment, sure. We’re looking at two hundred for decor and amenities, a hundred to level the core so I can recruit minions, and the rest to cover the first couple of weeks' wages. That’s where we can start making the money back. These dragon mountains are always chock-full of treasure in the lower sections,” she nodded emphatically, believing she’d caught my interest. She was correct. My neck snaked out until my snout was only a few inches from her tiny form.

  “More treasure?” I said softly, a note of optimism entering my voice. My tongue flicked in and out at the thought of new shinies to taste. “Like the chests?” I’d made some decent coin between the chests and the boss.

  “Perhaps the odd one, but they don’t usually spawn outside of dungeons. This treasure will be in the form of mineral ores, precious gems, maybe a valuable species to be hunted for the fur or fangs or scales or whatever,” she shrugged, and I deflated slightly. A thought struck me.

  Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  “Scales? Are dragon scales valuable?” I asked cautiously. My wings pulled in close to my body as though to hide my built-in armour.

  “Oh yeah, dragon scales are some of the most valuable materials in the world. That’s one reason why you’re going to become a target eventually.” I shivered at her words. Shooting a lingering look at my hoard, I steeled myself. I needed more coins to be able to afford to protect what I had, including my armoured skin, which meant I’d have to take that most disgusting of actions.

  “How much do I need to spend to be safe?” I asked, lowering my chin to the floor to look at her from her own height.

  “Gimme five hundred to get us going. That will be enough for now. You need to buy the Core level; I don’t have access to that. Transfer the rest to me, and I’ll do what dungeon sprites do best: manage the dungeon.

  Dungeon Status:

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: N/A

  Floors: 1 (TBC)

  Rooms: N/A

  Sprite level: 1

  Minions: N/A

  Hoard: 3542 gold

  Purchase Level: 100 gold. Y/N?

  I mentally reached out and hovered over the Y. After a moment's hesitation, I clicked 'yes'; I wept internally as my hoard shrank slightly.

  Dungeon Status:

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: 1

  Floors: 1 (TBC)

  Rooms: N/A

  Sprite level: 1

  Minions: 0/10

  Hoard: 3442 gold

  “Ok, now transfer me the rest!” Kat said happily. She held up her miniature greatsword and offered the flat of the blade. “This is my Authority. Just touch it and will the coins to go to me.” I reached out a midnight claw and tapped the end of the sword. Four hundred Coins vanished from my hoard. I glanced back at the pile and winced as it shrank noticeably.

  “Excellent. First of all, let’s designate it as residential. A barracks in one of the treasure rooms, and we can convert the boss room into a rental. OK. I’m gonna buy a few minions. Gah. The selection is rubbish this week. What’s your preference for races?” she looked up at me as her eyes focused on reality instead of a screen only she could see.

  “Erm, that’s not cool. You can’t–”

  “Not like that, idiot. Look, it’s not a great selection at the moment. We’re going to have to go with Dwelvers to explore the tunnels, and they’re expensive. We need a worker to start on the conversion. The choices are a Nimpluff, a Herpeskin, or a Janglebonk. Honestly, we can probably afford two Janglebonks–”

  “Choose the cheapest!” I snapped. “The Janglebonks, whatever they are.”

  “OK… Are you sure?” She looked up at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes. I nodded, wanting this unpleasant shopping experience over with as quickly as possible. “Righto, kiddo. I’m sure you know what you’re doing!” she said sweetly.

  A pair of creatures appeared behind her. They were balls of pink fluff with a single oversized eye in the centre of their bodies and a solitary powerful-looking leg coming down from the spherical mass that ended in a circle of toes.

  They blinked, looked around, then honked loudly. They hopped over to me and stopped to stare down at me. They were six feet tall, at least. One leaned forward, its leg bending in ways that would make a human's mind boggle, and it sniffed me. Somewhere in that ball of fur was a nose that worked like a nose ought to. A tongue snaked out just in front of where the leg joined the body and licked me delicately on the nose.

  My tongue flickered out in response, and I froze. The air around these strange creatures smelled like candyfloss, and my stomach rumbled loudly. They honked and backed away, hopping as far away from me as they could and huddled against the wall. I moved slowly forward, predatory, as the dragon in me took over.

  I slithered closer, body low to the ground, neck coiled back and ready to strike. The terrified honking increased as the new minions tried to hop through the wall to escape, bouncing off it repeatedly. Kat appeared in front of me, and her sword blurred around to swat me on the nose. I blinked and reared back, clutching my snout in both foreclaws.

  “Wad wud dat for?” I snarled.

  “No eating the staff! Gurt, Kurt, head downstairs and get to work. I’ve assigned you some jobs!” Kat snapped, and the Janglebonks bounced, honking with every step, over to the hatch that swung open for them to disappear out of my sight. “Janglebonks are a bit of a delicacy to some species, including the draconic types. Means we can’t hire Kobloids, they’ll just eat the poor, stupid creatures. Now, for the Dwelvers…”

  Two short, skinny, and remarkably hairy humanoids appeared. They glanced around at each other, Kat, then me. I smiled and showed them some fangs. They wore ragged clothes, and one carried a pickaxe and the other a shovel. The tools were shiny and clean, looking brand new and completely out of place on the filthy, dwarf-like men. They glanced past me and saw my hoard.

  “Mine!” one of them screamed as he rushed past me towards the gold.

  “Feck off, Grumbat! I saw it first!” snarled the slower one who threw himself forward and tackled his colleague to the ground. I flowed around them to position myself between the pair and my bed, a low growl echoing out into my lair that made them freeze and glance up at me.

  “Mine!” I angrily hissed.

  “Ye’re just a baby, bossman. No need to be keeping all that gold to yerself is there?” said Grumbat as he shrugged his companion off and rose slowly to his feet. He began edging to my right while the other moved slowly to my left.

  “Right! You two pay attention! Grumbat, I want you running point in the tunnels! Map them out and look for chests; we might get lucky. Klaptap, you follow and look for ores.” The pair scowled down at Kat, who hopped up into my nose and returned their looks tenfold.

  “Move it, you worthless Dwelver layabouts! I own your fucking contracts, and you don’t want another black mark, do you? Your clan must have been so happy to put you on the market! Get cracking or I’ll start cracking heads!” The fierce little woman yelled, and the pair flinched at the mention of a black mark. They picked up their tools and skulked slowly towards the hatch. A few moments later, a voice echoed back up to my lair.

  “Fecking Janglebonks! Klap, the boss is a fecking cheapskate!”

  The door swung shut, and my instinct, which had been to defend my hoard like an ornery mama bear would her cubs, began to fade. My tail relaxed and started to do its own thing again.

  “Kat?” She turned around and dropped a leg on either side of my snout as she leaned back and smirked at me.

  “What’s up, big guy?” she grinned.

  “Did you deliberately pick one set of minions I want to eat, and another that wants to steal my hoard?”

  “Yep!” she chortled. “Next time, don’t be so Heaven-damned stingy!”

  Dungeon Status:

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: 1

  Floors: 1 (Residential)

  Rooms: 2 (under construction)

  Sprite level: 1

  Minions: 4/10

  Hoard: 3042 gold