“Snakes swim weirdly.”

  “You’re lucky he missed that other ship, Bob. If he’d gone splat, you’d have blown the whole mission.” Alicya crossed her arms and shivered. Her fur was soaked by the spray from the waves that threw spray across the deck.

  “Apparently not. Care to explain this whole Moon Shiver malarkey?” I gave her a level one glare. She had just died, so I didn’t feel as though I could go too hard on her. However, I was shedding golden sparkles like a child at a fireworks display.

  “Kids do dumb things. I interfered and ended up becoming something of a folk hero. You ever had to live among people who basically worship you?” She looked me up and down. I’d reverted to a fully human form, but I was still standing in my boxers on a modest ship watching a snake swim sinuously towards us. “Silly question. It’s a pain in the ass. Moon Shiver, please attend our child's birthday party. Moon Shiver, please decide which clan is in the wrong. Moon Shiver, please bear my pups, I’m a worthy mate for you.”

  “Doesn’t sound so bad. Invites to all the parties and groupies.”

  “Forever. And the damn cult wouldn’t fade as long as I was there. You have no idea how tiresome it became. So I left them. The orgies and the adoration and the power. I just… walked away.” Her eyes grew misty as she stared out at the waves.

  “But you set up this test by death.”

  “Werewolves all kind of look alike. I am one, so I can say that. No one would remember what I looked like in three generations anyway. The Skeldrak have much shorter lives than humans, so it would only be fifty years before there was no one left alive who’d met me. And maybe one day I’d want to go back. If things were good, I’d just pass through; if things had gone to shit, I’d have the option to take power again and put them back on the right path. They’re good people, Bob. Just… savage.”

  “Oops, here comes the soggy snake.”

  “Asshole,” Vakushi muttered. He’d emerged from the water with Alicya between him and me. He shot me a glare that I would rank as a minus three, so I gave him a bright smile and flexed my fingers. “Great One, you are returned to us. It’s been so long. Five hundred winters we’ve waited and kept the faith. And here you are to lead us in our glorious war of revenge. May thy nose be forever cold and shiny.”

  “What’s your problem with the Empire?” Alicya asked.

  “The trade in raccoon girls has ramped up. The Ursakin have been raiding and selling the captured coongirls to human mages. The furless have gotten greedy,” he hissed. He pulled his coat open and began ringing it out, something I figured would be pointless while we remained on the deck of the ship.

  His chest was covered in bands of scales over ridges of muscle. Almost immediately below his armpits, all pretence of a humanoid form vanished. This dude would never have to worry about ending up tackle out, and I felt a touch of jealousy. I produced some oil skins. Doris the spykeeper had been very generous when it came to outfitting me for this mission, and passed one to Alicya, then shoved my arms into the sleeves before pulling it closed in front of me.

  “Why is this idiot with you?” the snakeman asked the werewolf. All I needed was a barman, and I’d have the makings of a joke. God, I needed a drink.

  “He is not an idiot,” Alicya said, glancing nervously at me. Wrath backed down a notch. “Just uncultured, uneducated and unversed in this world.”

  “You just basically called me an idiot with more words,” I muttered as I wrestled Wrath back under control.

  “Just ignorant, but I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” Vakushi said. “Moon Shiver, mistress, despite your poor company, I must let the fleet know you’ve returned to lead us to victory. Come inside.” He looked at me and tried to up his glare game, but failed. “You as well.”

  The hatch reopened as we approached. Vakushi slithered down face-first, followed by Alicya. There was a very narrow spiral of metal that ran around the edge of the circular tunnel. Allicya was edging carefully down it, her back pressed to the wall. I just jumped, narrowly avoiding landing on the Shesha’s tail.

  “Careful,” he hissed at me, yanking his rear end to the side.

  “Does anyone know any drying spells?” I asked optimistically.

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  Alicya jumped the last few feet and did what all dogs do when they come in from the rain. I blinked hairy droplets of water out of my eyes.

  “Got a towel?” she asked, passing me back the oilskins which I stored away while pulling out a clean towel and offering it to her.

  She looked down at it, then back up at my face. “Feel free to get started.” Her tails wagged slightly at the thought of a good rub down.

  I threw the towel in her face and turned to Vakushi. “You going to call off the attack?” I snapped, rubbing myself down with another towel.

  “Why would we do that? We can burn Ankmapak, take their girls and be gone before the nobles can rally their troops. The civil war has left them badly out of position, and the Final Fangs can deal with the Immortals while we do the pillaging and the raping.”

  I opened my mouth to respond at the same time as a damp clump of fur touched my bare shoulder. My tongue flicked out to check, and yep, new-car-smell mixed with wet dog was all I could taste. I couldn’t help it as my jaw was hanging open.

  “We must turn back. Bob is here to negotiate on behalf of the Emperor,” Alicya said, shaking herself out again from top to bottom. She really needed to start wearing clothes.

  “As you wish, Moon Shiver. I’ll speak to Admiral Plop and General Baghoo-ra. Please follow me to the communications room.”

  “Plop?”

  “A clan leader of the Strixkin. He commands the Armada.”

  “Did you just capitalise armada?” I asked.

  “Yes?”

  “Oh fuck. Alicya, can we just kill them all now, please?”

  “The Palace was capitalised,” she objected. “What's the problem?”

  “Armadas never end well. Either they die, or bad shit happens.”

  “That is the nature of war. Vakushi, I think we need to speak to this Plop. It doesn’t have to descend into madness. I want the fleet to turn back, and we should give Bob an opportunity to prove himself to the clans.”

  We had entered a small room. Unlike certain dragons, I didn’t overcompensate with my human form. Much. My jawline was a little sharper than it should have been, my cheekbones a little more defined… did I look like a male version of those plastic women back on earth? The ones who abused the cosmetic surgeon's ability to refuse more money?

  While I could sympathise with the surgeons… who doesn’t love shinies? I was suddenly feeling self-conscious, and Vanity began to swell in my mind.

  I put a hand over my chin as I took in my surroundings. It was all very Wizard of Oz. The bit when they get into the wizard’s secret control room. Glowing crystals, switches and dials that had a seriously retro feel to my modern eyes, everything reeked of shitty movie props.

  “How the fuck are you a naval power?” I wondered.

  Vakushi ignored me, which I thought was very rude.

  “What would you like me to report, Moon Shiver?” the snake dude hissed. He reached out and picked up a communication orb.

  “That’s human magitech!” I accused.

  “Yes. We lack magic, but we are excellent tinkers and thieves.”

  Alicya winced.

  “Thieves?” I asked slowly.

  “Stealing from an enemy is a noble deed. Mistress, command me.”

  Alicya teleported next to me and wrapped her arms around me, pinning my own to my sides.

  “He thinks I’m an enemy.”

  “Yes, Bob, but that doesn’t mean he’ll steal from you.”

  “It doesn’t mean he won’t,” I growled.

  “Vakushi, please tell the nice dragon you aren’t a thief and won’t steal from him?” The werewolf was strong, but if I pushed, I knew I could break free. Transforming back into my dragon form would solve the problem, but I glanced at the metal walls. Outside of them was some level of armour. I had exploded a dragon's ass by transforming while inside him… I cringed at what I’d just thought but ploughed on anyway… another poor choice of phrase.

  While I had that option at hand, I wasn’t sure how badly trying to go from a size one to a size ten inside an armoured box floating on the sea might hurt me.

  “Snake dude. I really don’t like thieves. Never steal from me.”

  Alicya slowly stepped back as the Naga nodded hurriedly.

  “Please let Plop know I’m back and want the fleet to hold until I can speak to the leadership.”

  “Of course, Moon Shiver.”

  Vakushi spoke hurriedly into the orb in a language I didn’t understand. I quirked an eyebrow at Alicya, but she just stared at the man-snake and nodded along.

  “The hell is he saying?” I whispered.

  “What I told him to. We’re going to need to move to Foamsprayer.”

  “The what?”

  “A big ship with the bigwigs onboard… they’re going to send us a rowboat.”

  I sighed. “Find out what it looks like. I’ll fly us over.”

  Vakushi gave me a glare, but I raised a finger that extended into a claw and made slashing motions. He blurted something unintelligible into the crystal in front of his face, then turned it to point at me.

  A tiny face, a yellowed beak and large eyes framed by feathers peered out at me from the magic communication device. I nodded politely, assuming this was the venerable Plop.

  “You are the diplomat?” the image screeched.

  “That or the guy who’s going to sink your ships. You’ve seen my fellow dragons circling above?”

  “Your kind are so crass. If Moon Shiver wants us to listen to you, we will. I’m told you will fly over?”

  “Sure.” I crossed my arms and contemplated getting some clothes out of my storage space.

  “We will await you.” The crystal went dead.

  “Charming.”

  “Come on, Bob,” Alicya said. “Let's get going. Thank you, Vakushi, for your hospitality.”

  Vakushi escorted us back to the deck. “Where was the crew?” I asked as I prepared to transform.

  “I am the crew. Shartgulper is a one-man ship. Everything is automated.”

  “But you guys don’t use magic?”

  “No spells, but enchantments and magic items are easy enough to make. Respectfully, get the fuck off my ship.”

  He slithered back slightly as I turned my attention to him. It might have been the fierce light in my eyes, or perhaps the fact I’d already lobbed him hundreds of metres out to sea. More likely it was that I began to transform as he was speaking, and by the time he was done, I loomed over him, unsteady on the suddenly top-heavy destroyer.

  “Aye aye, Captain.”