A sound of demonic shrieks split the air behind him. Pete spun around, still clutching the car keys in his right fist as he looked out into the street. He couldn’t see anything, but the expressions on the faces of his neighbors suggested that they’d heard the shriek too.
“What the fuck was that?”
A message displayed on his HUD, written in bright orange writing that hovered at the base of his vision.
>> NEW QUEST: Goblin-Slaying for Dummies.
Survive the initial wave of Goblin Scrappers and prove your worth as a novice contestant! If you survive this wave of combatants, you will then need to make your way to the closest obelisk to receive your reward.
QUEST REWARD: Soul Ledger Token
TIME LIMIT: 15 Minutes
The screech peeled through the air once more, and Pete turned to see three figures charging down the street towards him. Squinting, he tried to make out what he was looking at, but it was difficult to see the figures given that they were moving at a fast gallop.
[Nero] I suggest you find an impromptu weapon and prepare to defend yourself, Pete. Goblin Scrappers are far from the most difficult foes you will face within the game, but they can be quite persistent, and, given your noob status, you are presently vulnerable.
The distant enemies came more sharply into view, and Pete saw three green figures riding what appeared to be wild boars down the street. The little goblins looked no more than three feet tall, with vivid green skin and long, pointy ears that jutted comically from the sides of their heads. They each held spears in their right hands, waving above their heads while they screeched and squawked in a language Pete couldn’t understand, and which set his teeth on edge.
The wild boars they rode were painted with bright white paint and boasted long, curving tusks. Pete couldn’t be sure, but he also thought he could hear the clatter of tin cans or metal pots clanging behind the three goblins, as if they had strings with old soda cans tied to them stretching from the back of their boars like a newlywed car.
“Why the hell are there goblins in this damned contest? Goblins aren’t real, are they! I mean, they’re just something fantasy writers invented, right?”
[Nero] They are most certainly real, Pete. So real in fact that they are mere seconds away from attempting to skewer you with their spears.
“That’s not what I mean. I’m saying they’re not real. Like, they don’t really exist.”
[Nero] One could say the same thing about humans, Pete. For a long time, citizens of the Dominion considered humankind nothing but a myth, and yet here we are, gifting your wondrous planet with the privilege of hosting the greatest contest in the universe.
The clatter of pots and shrieking grew louder as Pete saw the charging goblins in clearer detail. They were holding spears and shouting high-pitched insults in a guttural language that sounded like it was comprised primarily of shrieks, barks, and spits. The boars were moving fast, charging directly towards him, their hooves clomping against the asphalt.
[Nero] You should know, Pete, that the 15-minute quest timer will commence only once the goblins are within striking distance. You can use whatever mundane weaponry is at hand as well as the natural environment to hold back the enemy and stall for time. In order to secure the quest reward, you simply need to survive until the timer is up. If you manage to kill any of the goblins, however, you may receive a bonus reward. If you do survive for the duration of the encounter, however, be aware that the goblins will still attempt to kill you if they have not been dealt with.
“Shit!”
The goblins were only a few seconds away, and Pete had no time to get to his own apartment. He ran inside the old woman’s house and slammed the door shut, twisting the deadlock in place as his mind raced.
“Weapons. I need weapons.”
He moved further into the house, eyes darting left and right as he searched for anything he could use to defend himself. His gaze met a series of old landscape paintings hanging on walls where the wallpaper had shifted from a crisp pink floral pattern to a dirty gray. The paintings were badly faded, years of cigarette smoke and the ravages of time having leached them of color and vitality.
Those years of smoke-filled abuse failed to dull the portraits in the next room, however, as Pete ran down the corridor and looked into a small lounge area. A troubling array of clown portraits were displayed on the walls, each showing gruesomely happy pictures of cartoonish clowns that looked altogether too real, their eyes seeming to follow him as he passed by.
“The fuck?!” he blurted, continuing on to what he hoped was the kitchen.
He reached the room a second before the front door exploded. The house was filled with the sound of an almighty crack, followed by wood splintering and the heavy clomping of hooves running down the hallway.
>> QUEST UPDATE: Goblin-Slaying for Dummies.
TIME LEFT: 14 minutes 59 seconds.
Pete cursed, heading for the closest kitchen drawer and searching for a knife or rolling pin, or anything he could use to defend himself. The selection of cutlery was woefully inadequate, consisting primarily of tarnished spoons, a few forks, and a selection of butter knives which looked like none of them belonged to the same set.
He slammed the drawer shut, opening another and finding a baffling array of old keys, broken eyeglasses, and coupons, along with a selection of random crap that had apparently not been disturbed for some time. There were rubber bands, bottle caps, and far too many half-empty pill bottles along with small notepads, tweezers, nail files, and other objects filling the drawer to the brim.
“Fuuuuck!” he barked, moving to a nearby cupboard and wrenching the door open as the sound of charging boars filled the hallway behind him.
“Yiiiaaahhh ecckketii shaaak!”
The goblin shriek made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end as Pete reached for the first handle he could grab hold of. He pulled it out and spun around to meet his doom as the first of the goblins charged into view, sliding past the kitchen door as the boar it was riding struggled to course correct and slid off down the hallway and out of sight.
Pete frowned as the sound of breaking furniture signaled that the goblin and its mount had come to an unceremonious stop. Before he could think what to do next, however, a second goblin rider appeared in the doorway, its mount sliding in similar fashion to the first and looking like it might follow exactly the same trajectory as its comrade.
Seeing his companion miss the mark, however, the second goblin dove up out of his saddle and launched himself into the kitchen while the beast he’d been riding scrambled on the hallway floor and slid past, likely crashing into the first boar. The pouncing goblin held his spear in both hands, a fact the creature should have taken into account as it lunged towards the doorway.
The horizontal spear caught against the doorframe, halting the goblin’s rapid advance and yanking the creature backward so that it careened back out of the room with a yelp and directly into the face of the third goblin rider who had managed to correctly approach the kitchen and steer its boar into the space without issue.
What followed was a comical cascade of violence and slapstick mayhem. The two goblins struggled with one another, punching and jabbing with elbows in a frantic race to get through the door first. This resulted in both goblins being shunted against one another as the second creature’s spear got wedged sideways against the doorframe, sending them both clattering backward.
The boar, meanwhile, attempted to charge forward but was held back by the leg of its rider, still hooked into a stirrup as it was yanked backward because of the whole spear-doorway debacle. The boar skidded on the spot like a Looney Tunes figure for a few seconds before the spear snapped in half, sending both goblins careening into the kitchen as the boar finally gained traction and charged towards the wooden island unit Pete was standing behind.
One of the goblins arced down steeply and drifted to the side, slamming into a small circular table and tumbling head over ass as he slid off its surface and continued on into a kitchen cabinet with a bone-crunching smack. The other flew directly towards Pete, holding half a spear in one hand and screaming bloody murder, its toothy maw wide open and revealing jagged rows of rotten teeth while spit sprayed from its mouth.
Pete had just enough time to swing his weapon, only realizing after the fact that he’d been so preoccupied with the bizarre scene that he’d neglected to confirm what it actually was that he had pulled out of Mrs. Cooper’s kitchen cupboard.
The truth of his choice became abundantly clear as he swatted the incoming goblin with what he first took to be a hefty cast-iron skillet but realized at the point of impact was a medium-sized wok. It gave a resounding clang as he hit the goblin with all the force he could muster, sending the green-skinned creature flying off to the left where it slammed against the kitchen cabinets behind Pete with enough force to splinter the wood.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
As a side-effect of the blow, the metal bowl of the wok continued on after it hit the goblin’s face, flying across the room and leaving Pete holding a wooden handle and thin air as the flying wok crashed into the face of the third goblin who had recovered from his earlier accident and was sauntering into the kitchen with spear in hand, and wearing a puzzled expression.
That expression was wiped off the little creature’s face the moment the wok made contact. It hit the goblin right in the temple hard enough to send him hurtling backward to land on the floor in an unconscious heap.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Total Wok-Out!
Congratulations! You just knocked out two Goblin Scrappers with one wok! Traditionally, the meat usually goes inside the wok, of course, but each to their own.
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: 2 Belch Bucks!
A coin purse icon appeared in the bottom right area of Pete’s HUD with an animation of two golden coins dropping into the bag and an accompanying sound of clinking metal. He ignored the message and the reward, tossing the wok handle onto the floor and turning around to find something more suitable to fight with.
>> TIME LEFT: 12 minutes 23 seconds.
He pulled old pots and pans from the cupboard, searching for something with a little more heft and eventually finding a small cast-iron skillet whose surface was covered with rust. It was relatively small, but heavy, and it felt reassuring having something solid in his hand as he turned around a moment before one of the boars slammed into his legs and sent him falling hard to the floor.
It felt like being hit by a wrecking ball, and the skillet slipped out of his hand as Pete fell. He cracked his left knee against the floor and grunted as the wind was taken out of him. As he rolled along the laminate flooring he looked up to see the spear jutting out of the cupboard door just where his head had been a moment earlier, obviously thrown by the third goblin who was still conscious and currently spitting out a long string of what Pete assumed were goblin expletives.
The boar turned around, hooves slipping on the floor, and sending it slamming into the wall. That gave Pete enough time to crawl his way towards the fallen skillet and pick it up, just before a small green body launched itself from the kitchen counter, curved blade in one hand, arms and legs outstretched like a flying squirrel.
“Akkaiii!”
The goblin screamed as it attacked. Still winded, Pete had just enough time to roll out of the path of the goblin, moving aside and then turning to slam the edge of the cast-iron skillet against the goblin’s body.
He had aimed for the creature’s head but connected with its shoulder instead, producing a sickening thud accompanied by the unnerving cracking of bone. The goblin shrieked, swinging its arm around at speed and raking the blade through the air just in front of Pete’s face.
Pete backed away, kicking out at the goblin as the little creature jumped up off the floor and lunged at him with teeth bared.
>> COMPANION CONFIGURED. Would you like to access your animal companion?
Yes/No
Pete swung the skillet again, this time clocking the goblin in the side of the head and sending it careening through the air, legs flailing. The little creature slapped against the floor, but not before its blade cut Pete’s forehead as the goblin passed by.
Mind whirring, heart thudding out of control, Pete pushed himself up to his feet and, before the struggling goblin could recover, kicked the little creature as hard as he could manage. The goblin was launched into the air, sent hurtling up to the corner of the ceiling where it slapped against the old wallpaper. The goblin left a smear of green blood and yellow mucus as it smacked hard into the wall and then slowly slid down like a pickle slice on a McDonalds window.
>> COMPANION CONFIGURED. Would you like to access your animal companion?
Yes/No
Before Pete could register the question, his legs were taken out from under him as the boar that had struck him the first time slammed into him from behind. Pete went down again, arms crunching against the floor, legs twisting and a nasty gash taken out of his right calf as he hit the deck.
“Fuck!” he blurted, still managing to keep hold of the skillet while the boar quickly turned and prepared for another charge.
Pete got up onto his knees, sucking in breath and starting to feel the pain of his various injuries keenly as he drew back his right hand. As the boar came within reach, he slammed the skillet against its head but managed only to connect with one of its tusks.
The blow was enough to alter the animal’s course and snap its left tusk in half, making it veer to the right and narrowly miss hitting Pete. He scrambled to his feet, still holding the skillet as he surveyed the scene, looking for a way out.
>> COMPANION CONFIGURED. Would you like to access your animal companion?
Yes/No
“Yes, fine, damn it! Do it!”
The ferret materialized out of thin air, falling from above and landing on Pete’s head just as another of the boars charged into the room, heading directly for Pete. The first boar had already recovered from the blow he’d struck with the skillet, and the beast was turning to face him, preparing to charge.
“I’m inside a ferret!” the creature cried. “Why am I inside a ferret!”
Pete reached up and grabbed the creature with his spare hand, jumping up and lifting his legs up onto the island bench just as the boar behind him thundered past.
“What happened to my body?!” the ferret shouted in a voice that sounded like Mrs. Cooper but slightly higher pitched and with more of an animal growl.
There was no time to respond. Pete twisted his torso and swung himself down off the bench, landing on the floor as the second boar rounded the structure, heading back behind where he had been moments before.
The second boar!
Pete realized with a grimace that there was still another boar wandering around somewhere in the house, not to mention the two unconscious goblins that might rouse themselves at any moment.
“Hell in a whorehouse!” Mrs. Cooper barked as Pete ran towards the kitchen door, skillet in one hand, ferret in the other.
As he reached the doorway, the goblin he’d knocked out with the flying wok stood groggily to its feet, a bright red mark across his forehead, yellow eyes lolling. Pete leveled a forceful kick between the little goblin’s legs, connecting so hard that it produced an unintentional squeak from the creature’s lips as the goblin was booted back against the hallway wall.
It smashed against the wall with terrible force, making a sound that hinted at crunching bones and pulped flesh. Bright emerald blood sprayed from the impact point, painting the wall in a gruesome splotch as a loud fart squirted out of the dead goblin’s rear.
“Hellfire!” the ferret spat. “What did you do to my wall?!”
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Ker-Splat!
Congratulations! You just transformed a Goblin Scrapper into a work of art. You might want to do something about the smell before you invite dinner guests to check out your new, semi-abstract masterpiece, but it’s sure to be a conversation starter.
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: 2 Belch Bucks!
KILL REWARD: 5 Belch Bucks!
Pete looked left and right, spotting the third boar milling about near the front door. He turned to face the opposite direction and headed up the stairs at a run, leaping two stairs at a time and hoping to outpace the enemy and find somewhere to hunker down until this madness was over.
“Pickles!” the ferret shrieked, the shrill voice vibrating oddly as the animal moved up and down in Pete’s hand. “I just realized that these God-damned aliens have shoved me into my little baby boy’s body! Little green bastards!”
Pete reached the upper floor and started looking left and right, trying to find a suitable location to wait out the goblins. All the rooms seemed to be filled to the ceiling with stacks of old newspapers, magazines, piles of books, and various glass jars and containers filled with all manner of oddities.
>> TIME LEFT: 9 minutes 43 seconds.
Finding what he assumed to be Mr. Cooper’s bedroom, Pete ran into the only room that wasn’t chock-full of garbage. He looked around, noting that, in contrast to the other rooms, the bedroom was spotless. There was still an overpowering stench of cigarette smoke in the air, but the bed was neatly made, the floor was clean, and everything in the room seemed tidy.
“Pete? What in the hell are you doing in my bedroom?!”
He raised the ferret to eye height. “Sorry, Mrs. Cooper, I’m just trying to find somewhere that might be a little easier to defend myself.”
“Defend yourself? Son, just use that big-ass boot of yours and kick the little green bastards in the plums like you did with that critter downstairs.”
“I’m more worried about the boars than the goblins,” Pete said, moving over to a window beside the bed and trying to open it.
“That doesn’t excuse entering a lady’s bedroom! This is my private space, with all my private things.”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Cooper, I just—”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Pete, just call me Coop. How many times have I told you?!”
The window shuddered, squealing on its railing as Pete pulled it open. It protested as he strained his muscles, fighting against a window that had clearly not opened in years.
>> TIME LEFT: 8 minutes 13 seconds.
The sound of movement coming from downstairs drew his attention. Goblin screeching followed by the thudding of hooves against the floor suggested that the two creatures who had survived the encounter thus far were rapidly making their way upstairs.
“Shit!” Pete hissed, turning back to continue opening the window, which, in its current state, he wouldn’t be able to escape out of if it came to that.
The screeching rose to a fever pitch as doors elsewhere on the upper floor of the house were flung open.
“Krackitttt hesss krissk!” a ragged voice said as a nearby boar snorted and grunted as if in agreement.
Pete left the window and turned around. He set his chest, rolling his shoulders and ignoring the pain he was feeling as he hefted the skillet in one hand and Coop in the other.
“I’m gonna have to put you down,” Pete said, moving over and placing the ferret gently on the bed. “You might want to hide.”
“Hide? Now why the hell would I hide when I’m in my own damned house?! Can’t let these little green bastards get away with it!”
Before Pete could respond, a boar exploded through the door and charged into the room. Strange green light surrounded the animal as it shook its head, displacing chunks of wood and slowing its pace as a second boar came charging through afterwards, a bruised and battered goblin on its back.
As he moved to meet the enemy, Pete reflected that the boar must have used some kind of enhanced ability to break down the bedroom door, just as one of them had with the front door of the building. The front entrance to the building was a solid door with a deadbolt, and no boar native to Earth would have been able to break through it with a single charge. But if they had that much strength, why didn’t they just tear him to shreds?
He dodged to one side as the boar and goblin thundered towards him, jumping up in the air while swinging the skillet at head height for the goblin. Pete put everything he had into the blow, meaning that he was sent spinning around when the goblin ducked beneath the swing. Pete then tripped over one of the boar’s back legs and fell to the floor just as the second boar came charging around to stamp on him.
“Fuck!” Pete blurted, twisting out of the way too slowly.
The boar was almost on him as a thin white form shot through the air, claws splayed and screaming something about little green men as it thudded into the side of the charging boar’s head and sunk its claws into the beast’s eye. Coop clung on for dear life, accompanying the boar as it squealed in pain and veered away from Pete at the last minute.
That gave him enough time to get back to his feet just as a third boar came charging in through the doorway, moving at speed as the goblin and his mount charged from the other direction. If this were a cartoon, he might just jump in the air and let the two charging beasts crash into one another.
As it was, Pete had nothing but a small iron skillet and his wits, and jumping high enough to get out of reach of those boar tusks wasn’t going to be a viable option. A split second before he was crushed beneath the rampaging boars, the air in the room thickened, and Pete found himself suddenly phased out of reality, still standing in place, crouching low with the skillet held aloft, but no longer in the same realm.
The gauntlet he had put on before this all began was glowing with soft white light, illuminating the now drab surroundings of Coop’s bedroom, while the ferret hovered a short distance away, still positioned as though she was hanging onto the boar, but the beast was frozen in time, and it had been bleached of color and light.
[Nero] Greetings once more, Pete. It is Nero here, your friendly AI tutor. It appears that you are about to be crushed to death by a pair of goblin boars, but never fear, Tongsly Belch is here to bail you out…for a small price, of course.