“Hello, Vivian McDonald speaking,” Mac answered the international phone call. He hated his name, but it was on his resume. “Mac” by itself was not someone people would hire, if they even took the time to read the first entry on his resume.

  “This is Vlad Romonov, with Hench Helpful Help. How are you doing today?” the exhausted and heavily Balkan accented voice replied. “I am speaking to Vivian, yes?”

  Be humorous, be engaging, Mac reminded himself before replying, “I’m pretty sure that’s me. I haven’t been cloned that I know of.”

  “This is good,” the HR rep replied. “Pure genetic stock is preferred. We tried clones a few years back. Disastrous, really, particular for HR. I mean how, do you pay them, Yes? Who is who, finger printing and retinal scans all suffering fatal errors. And if one digit is off on their paycheck, they don’t get paid for the period, and I’m the one who has to sort it all out. I had nightmares for month. I still can’t sleep at day. Which is why I call you now.”

  A vampire… a blood sucking vampire. Of all the HR people who could have called him, it was a physics ignoring vampire. Worst of all, Mac was still on the phone. He needed this job. He and his boy really needed this job.

  “I’m glad I could get a hold of you, Mister? McDonald,” the cursed vampire again toed the water cautiously.

  “Yes, I’m a guy,” Mac answered as patiently as he could muster. It was a good thing this wasn’t a video call, or the HR person might have seen his face twitch as he ignored what had been a deathly insult since his early childhood.

  “This is not problem,” Vlad went on confidently then recited what sounded like a script, “We at Hench Helpful Help or HeHeHe are very tolerant of all kinds and all backgrounds. We are pleased to hire anyone who passes our rigorous standards.” Then the HR person fell off script, “except convicted tax evaders. These incompetents are unacceptable. They draw the ever-prying eyes of governments throughout the world. You’ve never been… convicted of tax evasion, No?”

  “Sure as death,” Mac fake smiled as he spoke back into phone.

  “This is good to hear,” Vlad replied. “Allow me to talk a little bit about the company and then I will ask you some intensely personal questions that will make you doubt my sanity. Yes?”

  “Yes, go ahead,” Mac involuntarily waved his hand as he spoke on the phone.

  “Excellent. HeHeHe was founded by our CEO some years ago after unsuccessful employment in various other enterprises. The CEO wanted to build a company that could work with anyone dead or alive, while providing competitive pay and good insurance, not to mention meaningful employment,” the vampire was obviously reading off a card again.

  “Our dedicated leader bravely challenged the assumptions of what was possible and envisioned a great conglomerate that would someday rule… I mean help the world,” the vampire slipped again. “We look for those diamonds in the rough the world has given up on and give them a chance to rise to the occasion becoming everything that is possible, and allowing them to impact the world in a progressive way. Please pardon this high-minded drivel,” Vlad apologized. “I’m required to read it to all potential recruits. Anyway, whoever you are, there is some way you can contribute at HeHeHe, from simple janitorial staff scrubbing infectious goo from our secret labs, to providing muscle in convincing ways. Be you elf, vampire, troll or human, mostly dead or partly alive there is a place for you at Hench Helpful Help. HeHeHe is an equal opportunity employer per regulation of governments in Rhineland, North Vespucia and the Third Republic of Congo.”

  “Now, I will ask you a few questions and you will answer, No?”

  “Uh, Yes?” Mac guessed correctly.

  “The first question. If you were an animal, what animal would you be, and why?” the HR rep began.

  So, it was going to be one of these interviews… “I would be a tadpole,” Mac responded, “because my talent is limitless, and I don’t know what I’m capable of.” He did a pretty good job of keeping the creeping doubt out of his voice. Zach gave him a thumbs up from the couch.

  “Give me a moment to write that down,” he could hear what sounded like hunt-and-peck typing from the vampire’s side of the phone. “modern technology…” it sounded like a sigh. “I miss the good ole days when you could simply command the blood to spell out what you wanted on the scroll. So much faster and efficient than the laggy system I must now use. There… we… go.”

  “Next, how would you deal with a rabid chimp?” Vlad asked with what actually sounded like a straight face.

  “In a cage or out?” Mac tried for clarification. He might have real world experience depending on the answer. It had been a crazy internship. Probably best to address it in a roundabout manner.

  “The question does not say,” Vlad replied flatly. “What would you do?”

  “Assuming the rabid chimp is inside the cage I would notify the keeper of the test result and stand well back behind a secure door while it is put down. I wouldn’t want to cost the company additional money by getting sick from something preventable,” Mac explained carefully.

  “That’s very thoughtful of you, Vivian,” the vampire’s use of Mac’s first name made him cringe. It knew his name. “Most people just say they would run away. It’s nice to hear someone with a practical solution.”

  Mac showed his boy a thumbs up as the HR rep continued, “The third question is could you give me an example of appropriate workplace violence?”

  “Appropriate workplace violence…” Mac repeated the question as he stalled for time. What kind of organization had he applied to? “I guess, if we were being attacked by someone, as a security guard I would be obligated to defend the property and my life… since the company had spent money training me… it would be a waste of time and resources… if something should happen to me.”

  “Don’t worry, Mr. McDonald,” Vlad sounded like he was comforting a child… in a creepy vampire kind of way. “We keep company necromancers on staff in case the worst should occur. There is only the small matter of some paperwork during orientation.” Mac’s four-year-old looked up at him expectantly but he could only shrug his shoulders.

  “Next, would you be willing to tell me a little about your family, yes?” Vlad asked hopefully.

  The vampire was asking about his family. That was wrong on so many levels. “My family?”

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

  “Yes,” Vlad began explaining, “Here at Hench Helpful Help we have many programs to assist family members as the employees’ work has been known to occasionally create trauma, delusions, and occasional, but temporary, loss of life. These include 24/7 daycare, death insurance, adoption leave, and even meal plans the whole family can enjoy in our full-service cafeterias. Answering this question better helps me focus on the benefits that matter most to you.”

  “Well… I’m ah…. divorced. So, it’s just me and the kid, right now,” Mac ventured cautiously.

  “I’m sure, if you are selected, your son would love our future centers,” Vlad announced.

  Wait a moment, he never said… Vlad continued, “We also offer great work locations, generous leave and… legal assistance second to none. That could be useful, Yes?”

  “Would you also now tell me, what are your long-term goals?” Vlad finally asked a normal question. Good. He was ready for this.

  “I hope to see myself promoted over time to positions of leadership and responsibility, inspiring my co-workers, helping the company grow and increasing the bottom line,” Mac nailed it.

  “You are reading from a card, yes, Mr. McDonald?” the vampire accused him, somewhat accurately. “Now, I give you chance to speak your heart, No?”

  Soooo unfair. “I just want to have a decent job and be able to spend time with my kid,” Mac answered honestly if not plainly.

  “Much better. Next, what do your parents think of you?”

  “My parents?”

  “Yes, they tend to be more rigorous than one’s friends, coworkers, or jaded former bosses,” Vlad explained. “My mother was always like, ‘Vlad, be more like your sister. Vlad, it’s midnight already get out of bed. Vlad, don’t you think that’s enough syrup on your pancakes. So judgmental.”

  “Well… ahhh, give me a second to think.”

  “Go ahead. It’s the middle of the day here, and it not like I could actually go back to sleep anytime soon,” Vlad replied with a hopeless sigh.

  “They died in a plane crash while I was away at college, but I guess they would say I’m a good kid who always tries his best. Even when things don’t initially go my way, I find a way to make things work. I think they would be proud that I’ve never given up no matter what life has thrown my way.”

  “That’s very touching Vivian,” and there was his first name again. Vlad went on, “What is the craziest thing you ever did?”

  “Does it matter if it succeeded or not?” Mac sought clarification. There was that one time… no… maybe best not to bring that up. He might still be wanted in that country. It’s not like it was his fault. Not initially. That cute troll girl with the glasses (obviously) had suggested it over those fruity drinks. More of a bet, really. He should have known better. At least no one had gotten hurt… no one he knew… and not seriously. And, he had never intended for that alert to go out. That was completely an accident. But even with his face plastered all over the TV, he had been able to sneak out of the country with the help of that shady elf. He really did feel kind of sorry for all those poor tourists who got stuck in the middle of it all. He hoped they made it home eventually. Definitely better to stick with something more benign.

  “It doesn’t really matter to me,” Vlad replied, “but please be honest… and succinct. I’m typing as fast as this computer will let me.”

  “Well, there was this one time my little sister found this hermit crab and we…”

  “Let me stop you Mr. McDonald,” Vlad interrupted him like a desperate plea. “I’m afraid… I’m afraid that I’m… uncomfortable speaking about… such things. The nightmares…. I will mark you as ‘pass’ and move on to next question. Ah yes… much more pleasant and my favorite, no less. What is your blood type?”

  That was a loaded question. Kind of like, “would you rather be bathed in soy sauce or peanut oil?” Did Mac even know his blood type? They had done that one experiment back in high school. He had let his buddy use the pin, but he had pushed too hard. That wasn’t a pleasant memory. He tried to remember if that had sent him to nurse’s office or was it… no… well maybe. He was sure he had suppressed that memory for a reason. No need to drag it back into the light.

  “I don’t remember,” Mac answered honesty.

  “That’s okay, the nurse can figure it out later,” Vlad dismissed it. “You feel that you are lucky person in general, No?”

  “I’m grateful to be alive,” Mac responded, “I got my kid and my house,” at least for another three days. “I guess it’s fair to say that I’m reasonably lucky.”

  “This is good. It is better by far to be lucky than good,” the vampire affirmed. “More importantly, luck cannot be learned. It is an innate gift that permeates one’s entire life.” That was a little more than Mac expected.

  “What about dogs, do you like them?” Vlad asked sounding genuinely curious.

  Mac thought back to his relationship with his wife’s dog, Fluffy, and wondered if he should be honest, or just gloss over his feelings.

  “Are you still on the line, Mr. McDonald?”

  “Sorry, I got a bit lost in thought. I guess some of them are okay. Rescue dogs and police dogs are fine.”

  “Do you have something against things go woof, Mr. McDonald?” the vampire pressed, but then added, “I admit I have had… altercations… with… canines in the past. Do you have some inner hatred of the beasts?”

  “Not against them as a group,” Mac clarified, “There’s been… one that caused me trouble in the past.”

  “I understand how you feel,” Vlad empathized with him. “Sometimes that… one can change your expectations of others, yes?”

  “Yes?” Mac guessed again and felt like he got it right.

  “This is wholly understandable as negative… events during a full moon… might lead to certain prejudice against those who stir up trouble and threaten your way of life. Possibly related, are you proficient in any weapons or martial arts, or perhaps silver tipped cross-bows?” the HR rep sounded hopeful there at the end.

  “I took three years of Judo as a kid,” Mac replied hopefully as he cognizantly ignored that he lost every sparring match during that time, never mind his sparring partner was the junior North Vespucia grand champion three years running. “I’m also a marksman with a pistol, and know my way around explosives.” Probably shouldn’t have mentioned that last bit. His internship had been nothing if not informative.

  “Any experience with crowd control gear or heavier weapons such as rocket launchers and grenades?” the HR person asked completely seriously.

  “I can use a water cannon, and CS gas doesn’t bother me much. I think I could use Knightly 50 cal. again with just a short refresher,” Mac hesitantly answered.

  “Any experience with the Hammer 50 cal.,” Vlad quizzed.

  There had been that one time, but he chunked it after the hopper ran out rather than reload it. He had been in something of a hurry at the time. “Not… really much more than a passing knowledge,” Mac answered evasively.

  “This is encouraging to hear,” the vampire continued. “What about technology. Are you able to learn quickly or do you have any computer skills?”

  “Just the basics, nothing overly fancy,” Mac replied as he tried to think of something that might make him look better. “Oh… I do learn pretty quick. I can unjam a copier faster than most people. And… I actually read instruction manuals.”

  “This is better than most, Mr. McDonald. “Could you tell me of a time you creatively used the rules to accomplish a task?”

  “Creatively used the rules to accomplish a task,” Mac repeated slowly buying time to think. Was there any way to answer this that would leave him in a better light? There had been that string of incidents as an intern… no… no. That would not be a positive thing. What about that time with the rabid chimp? No, that might reflect poorly as well. “Uhhhmm, I had a boss tell me to take care of something, so I did.” That was pretty vague. Maybe he could get away with that.

  “What kind of something?” the prospective employer asked.

  “There was this hermit crab and…” Mac began before the vampire cut him off.

  “That’s enough, Mr. McDonald. I would ask if you had ever worked for one of our competitors, but due to the size of our organization this is pretty much a given,” Vlad simply assumed. “You seem to have most of the qualifications we are looking for. Just a few more questions. Do you mind working nights and weekends, occasional holidays and in extreme environments (with reasonable accommodations of course)?”

  “No issues,” Mac felt pleased to be able to give a strong answer. “I’ve even worked rotating shifts in both desert and snowy environments.” There had been those couple times in hurricane conditions, too. But that would be bragging, and who would actually believe him?

  “Excellent,” Vlad verbally applauded. “One last question directly for you. Are you deranged, psychologically unstable, or do you have any other mental disability which might affect your work?”

  Was that even a legal question? Mac ventured humor, “No, I’m quite sane. At least, that’s what my therapist tells me.”

  “Very good, Vivian,” The vampire answered. “Do you have any questions about HeHeHe?”