Hello Future Alice,

  Today I executively dysfunctioned.

  I’m sitting in the airport after going through security for the SECOND TIME. I completely screwed up the time of my pne AGAIN. And ugh. Josh is probably at work now, so I can’t talk to him. We could text, but I don’t want him getting in trouble considering how big of a favor his boss is already doing for him.

  So, it’s me. Writing to myself to pass time.

  I’m not sure what to write about, but I feel like I should write something. I wish I was an author or an artist or something. Because then I could start making stuff. I didn’t bring my ptop with me, and, even if I did, it’s not like I can write random lines of code for fun. Not really.

  I guess I really don’t make much stuff. I really like creative things and creative people, but I guess I only like…consuming? Taking it in? Not sure what a good word for that is. And that sentence looks wrong. I’m getting in my head.

  I could think about Josh. I’m on my way to see him for the second time. It’s sort of amazing when I think about it. I feel like we see each other all the time because of texting, gaming, video calls, and, of course, all the NBE photo updates. Josh hasn’t been sending full photos tely; only pictures of the measuring tape.

  I wonder why he doesn’t want me to see him. Because, it’s like, he could just send the numbers by text if he didn’t want me to see his body. And his numbers are good! Like, I’m starting to feel guilty about how jealous I am of his progress good.

  Then I think: “should I even be calling Josh “he/him” anymore?”

  It’s not like they’ve said anything more about it. And I don’t want to bring it up for fear of accidentally pushing them back into the closet. I mean, I don’t bring it up directly, but Josh takes me up on every opportunity to be queer and feminine.

  Wear bras more? Yep. Grow boobs? Yes please. Long hair? Already on it. Grow your glutes? Oh this is fun!

  Which…now that I write those down. Well, the boob thing is pretty obvious…and the bras kind of go along with that. But, I guess if I really think about it, none of the other stuff Josh does is explicitly feminine. Maybe…

  Maybe I could talk to them about it this trip. I could mention what I’m thinking about. I bought him clothes st time and still never brought them up. He never asked about them either. Maybe he’s been wearing them in secret? But then, why wouldn’t he talk to me about it? He can trust me.

  Wait…

  Josh doesn’t know I’m pan!

  I can’t believe we’ve never talked about it! No wonder he’s always so nervous and shy about how much he likes being feminine. He’s afraid of losing me if he comes out or starts to transition. I mean, probably. Maybe?

  Or maybe Josh is genderfluid? I’ve never really had a chance to speak to such a person in depth before. The ones online are always switching back and forth for their pictures and posts and whatnot. Or they’re always dressed in this super beautiful way that sort of crosses between male and female. Josh doesn’t really do either of those.

  Okay, I texted Jessie about my ideas and she thinks I should go for it. Communication is always good, so I should tell Josh what I’m thinking. At the very least I’ll get him to talk about his feelings and see his response to what I say.

  Maybe I can even get them to try on some women’s clothes. The thought of Josh in a skirt is WAY too stimuting to leave it in my brain. Maybe, even if they’re not trans, Josh would still be open to wearing skirts from time to time. That would be awesome.

  Still have a few hours left before the flight. Jessie is up and about. I could call her and chat quietly. I also need to find something to eat.

  Until next time!

  OR

  I lied. (I wish I could put emojis in here)

  I didn’t do any journaling on that hellish flight (if you can even call the whole experience a flight). Then I basically passed out the moment I got to Josh’s pce.

  He’s at work right now. He made me breakfast though! (another great pce to put emojis) It was absolutely delicious. Now I’m sitting in his room…

  Maybe I should’ve left this as it was. My brain isn’t really in the mood for much complex thoughts. Maybe I’ll organize Josh’s room or something as a thank you for the breakfast. And I can cook tomorrow. Which means I need to get groceries when he gets back. Eh. I can do that in the morning.

  Yep. I just tried getting up to clean everything and my body is WIPED. Back to sleep for me.

  Next time. I will…anyways.

  Until next time future me. Which is to say: definitely tomorrow.

  ----------------------

  Hello Future Alice,

  Today I am feeling much better. All the stress and worries of my mistakes and the dumb defrosting pne and the terrible inconsiderate people is over. I’ve moved on.

  We went back to the mall today and I got Josh some awesome clothes. He was totally enthusiastic about my suggestion to try wearing women’s clothes to our special date this trip. He did say it was “just for fun” though so still not sure what it all means.

  I can talk to him more about gender stuff tomorrow while we’re waiting in lines. For now, I got some really cute options for them to try on. He’s busy cooking at the moment, so I’ll wait until ter. Not sure what’s taking him so long though. I had time to put away all of the new clothes I bought AND reorganize his dresser.

  He had clothes thrown in random drawers! Now, he’s got a drawer for his bras, one for the underwear I bought today, I put the swimsuits with his gym shorts (since he still insists he likes wearing them).

  Speaking of swimsuits though. I didn’t pn on it, but, if things go well with our “lesbian dinner date” then, maybe, I can get Josh to go out to the beach with me. I brought a swimsuit with me this time for the boat ride (in case we get spshed or something), but I can totally wear it to the beach.

  And I know Josh would look so cute in a bikini. Their body is amazing. And sexy. And lovely. And UGH I wanna crush him so badly! I mean, if they’re not on hormones then they’ve got to be intersex or something because the difference between us two is astounding.

  Granted, my efforts have finally started to pay off too. My hips are still rge, my waist is smaller (finally under the .75 ratio!) and my boobs actually went up a cup size!

  I still don’t quite look like how I want to though which is a little sad…I mean. The numbers are much better, but the shape is a little off. I still look sort of rectangur. Plus, a lot of the glute measurement isn’t really hip; it’s my butt projecting out. Which, from the side looks AMAZING.

  But there’s really no way to get wider hips. I know the Rexin could theoretically help, but I was seeing that is was more temporary. Some of the dies on the discord were talking about pelvic surgery and bone reconstruction. I’m not even sure what my bones look like.

  And would it be better to have work done on the ribs or the hips? Which is safer/healthier? I mean, obviously neither is really healthy since you’re moving your bones around. But, like, I get the shape I want when I wear a waist trainer, so maybe doing rib sculpting would be the way to go?

  Or BBL. I guess I don’t really care much about having a giant ass though. Can they do it just to your hips? And then, if I’m doing lipo anyways, maybe I could do a fat transfer to my breasts at the same time… At least three of the NBE dies have done it. Two of them are really happy about it, but none of them got super big from it.

  They say the second one is supposed to work even better.

  Oh, have to cut this short. Dinner time.

  Until next time.

  --------------------

  Hello Future Alice,

  Even though I was super exhausted st night, I still managed to wake up early. It’s fine though because I’ll be able to rex at the spa ter. And then all we’re doing today is dinner and a movie, so I’ll rest tonight. Well depending on how how tonight goes.

  Which, after our discussions yesterday, I’m not certain. I think I need to think about it some more.

  Yesterday, Jen and I…I’m already getting ahead of myself. And now I feel guilty about calling her Jen. Him Jen. Josh. UGH!

  Why is my “boyfriend” so wishy washy?!

  So, we’re having fun at the park and (s)he looks so super cute. Absolutely no problem getting dressed in a nice little racerback sports bra (now in the right size) and the new panties I bought. Then they quickly put on the cute sporty outfit I’d picked out. I thought about going straight for leggings since there was a chance we’d get wet at the park, but then I figured jeans would be a better first start.

  Plus they didn’t really tuck with the panties, so the color and texture of the jeans helped hide their bulge better.

  Anyways, like I said, only smiles and happiness as they dressed in this pretty girly outfit (they even let me put a bow in their hair!). And they were being all cutesy and soft, so I thought I had my answer. But then, I’m holding our pce in line for the Jurassic Park ride and they come up to me talking about going to the men’s restroom.

  It was like “Josh” had no idea how they were dressed or what they looked like. I mean, (s)he’s standing there with long bck hair in a French braid tied with a frilly bow at the end, they unzipped their top to just above the bottom of their sports bra and have water glistening on the top of their cleavage, and some amazing, curvy legs in tight jeans. And they’re confused why a guy was freaked out by seeing them in the men’s bathroom!

  I know body dysmorphia can go crazy, but there’s no way (s)he’s THAT blind, right?

  SHE EVEN SAT DOWN TO PEE!

  I almost forgot!

  Anyways…We get into this talk about what makes men men and women women. Which made him think we were fighting at first. Jessie would say that’s cssic defensiveness, so I was probably striking something really important to Josh without even realizing it.

  But then (s)he said it. That they would be happy as a woman.

  That settled it in my mind. All the other stuff we talked about was me trying to help my (future) girlfriend realize what was going on with them. I mean, there’s still the possibility of them being non-binary or genderfluid, but, like, surely it wouldn’t be bad if I started to think of them as my girlfriend early…

  I mean, she even has a name picked out! Jen.

  I guess I sort of helped pick it?

  Let’s see…She said it sucked that she couldn’t be a woman. And that she didn’t really see herself as one (I understand that plenty). I asked what her name would be and…no.

  We talked about me being queer first.

  And that’s when I saw Jen! I mean, she didn’t have her name yet. But she was there. I know it. She was all concerned about our sex life if she went through with transitioning (almost sounds like she wants bottom surgery) and I whispered in her ear and she just about colpsed on the ground in the middle of everyone!

  Then her voice got all quiet and she turned on this extra cute mode. UGH! I wanted to ravage her right then and there. Then the little weasel starts teasing me more by immediately asking for a threesome! I tried to py it cool, but all I could think about was watching some hunky dude rail my hot girlfriend while her throat choked on my cock.

  And that’s written down forever now…

  And I’m thinking about it again…

  Anyways.

  That happened. We rode the ride…and got lunch…ah ha! I brought it up during lunch. Oh. Right. I told Jen my old name. Gross.

  But, yeah, I definitely suggested the name Jen. Because J-E-N is their initials, so it’s kind of cute. And, even though it’s clearly feminine, if anyone asked why I called them that, we could say it’s a nickname.

  But I got to tease Jen some more and she loved it! I mean, until she kind of wasn’t there again… It was just like st time where they seemed to be switching between different modes. So I get to the park with my boyfriend, he does something silly with bathrooms so we talk, then my girlfriend shows up and we have some fun, only for my boyfriend to show back up for what felt like the rest of the day.

  Well, Jen did show up a couple more times, but then Josh would come back and…

  Listen to me. I sound like I don’t even like Josh. Which…I mean, it’s just that she seems so much happier as Jen. It’s not like I want Josh gone or anything. I mean, there isn’t a Jen without a Josh anyways.

  I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Was I this confusing when I started transitioning? I mean, I told Jessie and she seemed to always know what to say. The rest of my current friends all only ever met me as…me.

  Hmm. That sort of implies that I wasn’t me before I transitioned. Started transitioning.

  Maybe since I haven’t really known Josh/Jen that long, it only seems confusing right now because we’re both figuring things out. I wish I could talk to Jessie about this right now, but she’s probably busy and I don’t want to wake Josh up too early again.

  Today we’re going to the spa, and it’s going to be lovely. And then I’ll probably get to see Jen again tonight. I feel like my heart flutters thinking about her. We’ll dress up all nice and elegantly, then go to that French restaurant I found, and then we’ll top it off with the big movie.

  They’re going to lose their mind when they see it…I hope. I mean, the venue said they’d have games and activities before the movie. But maybe Jen isn’t comfortable interacting in public too much yet. I mean, her voice is fine enough. I wonder if she’s done voice training already?

  I had to ugh. If anything, she probably did it as a way to prank people or something silly like that. Then again, Josh doesn’t speak the same way Jen does. I mean, not all the time. During spicy time he kind of loses the masculine persona and can rex.

  Huh…I switched pronouns.

  Anyways, today will be really fun. Okay, I’m all brained out, going to py my new pixel game until the arm goes off.

  Until next time future me. Which is to say tomorrow!