Chapter 49

  Without much thought, we ditched the city. Ash was way too quick to move. Probably driven by the thought of my kids. Me? I’m not thrilled about it. I’m too young to be a dad! I’m only… over forty. Damn. Why’d I think I’d stay young forever? Maybe he’s got a point. But whatever, I don’t want Cronenberg spawn. So this plan’s total shit. On the other hand, I’m dying to see this Prime Mother. Bet she’s like an ant queen. If I can take her out, I’d pretty much wipe out the demon race at its root. She’s gotta be the oldest demoness, meaning she’s fucking insanely strong. No, like holy fuck strong. But maybe one good stab’s enough to kill her. We’ve been here before. It all depends on the conception process. No clue how they do things here. Maybe it’s just a game of checkers or something. If it’s the standard way, though, one totally legit question pops up:

  - Yo, Ash, what’s the Prime Mother look like? (What if she’s a super hot MILF or something? Then I might consider spawning my Cronenberg babies. In my case, no need to stress. Though, if they realize how ugly they are later, they might wanna kill me. Doubt it, since their brains’ll probably be as sharp as a stool.)

  - Arachnid. Black abdomen ten paces long, eight hairy legs, red torso human-sized with two long arms and small wings. Ant-like jaws, ten eyes, four sharp horns, and black silky hair.

  Well, shit… At least the hair’s nice.

  Looks like a long road ahead, ‘cause I’m stuck rattling in this cart again. Gotta cook up a plan on the way. Two more demons joined us, so now it’s eight plus Ash. I’ll probably wait till the end when the general has to free me. Breaking out myself takes too much effort. Plus, nothing stops him from re-crystalling me. But… everyone’ll be on guard then. And no guarantee he’ll fully free me. He might just leave out the part we talked about last chapter. In that case, during conception—gross as it is—I gotta hijack the Prime Mother’s nervous system and use her body to kill Ash. Small problem with that plan, though. No way I’m getting it up for a ten-meter spider demon.

  - Listen, Ash. If you want this to go smoothly, get me a black bag, ten paces long. And we should’ve brought the succubus.

  - Why?

  - Otherwise, we’re screwed.

  - I don’t get it. The succubus stayed to watch that kid. He’s human, but still a healer. After your stunt, I’ll need him.

  - You left her alone with him?

  - Yeah. So what?

  - You’re supposed to be a smart demon, yet you pull this dumb shit.

  - I always act rationally. She’s fine for the job.

  - Yeah, I can hear someone hammering that crystal…

  - What? I don’t hear anything.

  - Forget it. I’m saying leaving them alone is a terrible idea. Not sure he’s got enough mana to keep healing himself from venereal radiation.

  - I told her not to touch him.

  - Uh-huh… Pretty sure I heard the crystal crack.

  Alright, I’ll use cheats if it comes to it. With my skills, I’ll never be impotent. But I still need that bag. At least for my head.

  - Hey, I demand the rest of the story!

  Oh… right… Another annoying corpse tagged along.

  - What happened next with Elon Nutshucker?

  - Fuck… He died.

  - No! That’s not allowed! A story needs a proper ending!

  - He died, and no one fucked with him anymore. Fucking awesome ending. I’m jealous.

  - He’s the strongest being in the universe. He’s got all the infinity stones. How could he die?

  - Bad shawarma at the train station.

  - That’s not fair. You’ve changed lately. You used to want me to listen, and now what?

  - …

  - Don’t ignore me!

  - Anything I say will be used against me. I’m out.

  - Stubborn ass. How about a new story then?

  - Who am I, your fucking Scheherazade?

  - Who’s that?

  - A poor girl who told stories for a thousand days to… No, put your damn ears away.

  - Come on… Is it that hard?

  - Very.

  - ‘Cause you’re performing for an audience? You know, I don’t care if you imagine my genitals singing, holding hands. Didn’t that help you as a kid?

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  - Fuck…

  - I don’t think anyone here minds.

  - Someone, kill him… please.

  - Fine, tell the one about Frodo and the Ku Klux Klan fellowship again? The guys’ll love it.

  - No…

  - Then my favorite! The forbidden love of Adolf and Josephita. No? I’ll tell it myself. Listen up!

  - Ugh…

  - No sadder tale exists than that of Adolf and Josephita… Shit, I can’t do it right.

  - First good news all day.

  - Come on, please… Oh, by the way, I don’t even know your name.

  - Nothing.

  - Think it’s Elon. – Ash cut me deep.

  - Fucking hell…

  - What, named after Elon Nutshucker?

  - No…

  - Haha, sure… Or… Wait, did you stick your name in the story?

  - …

  - HAHAHA! That’s pathetic! No wonder the name’s so dumb.

  - You don’t get shit.

  - Uh-huh… Or maybe you made the whole story about yourself?

  - Trust me, my story’d be just as good. By the way, can’t you pick another corpse? A dumb spirit in a dumb body is a bit much.

  - Nah. I like this one. Weird vibes. Always wondered what it’s like to be human.

  - Pretty shitty.

  - Has its perks. So light, like any breeze could carry you past the horizon.

  - Wish it would already.

  - Haha. Not so fast. I’m easy to find, hard to ditch.

  - Fuck, the motto… of most things in life. Mostly the annoying ones.

  - You saying I’m annoying?

  - If I answer, I’m risking a long, pointless argument.

  - It’s inevitable.

  - Not if I can help it.

  - Sure, try. Hey… What?… What’s happening? Wait… Where?… What the… How’re we here…

  - That’s called a timeskip. You’ve got a lot to learn.

  Oof… That was one hell of a road… Full of adventures and dangers. We were a hair’s breadth from death more than once. Met tons of good and evil demons. Countless wild, incredible creatures. Mysterious places, stunning mountains, creepy dungeons. So many crazy events. So many emotions. But looks like we finally made it!

  Right before us loomed a majestic white mound, kilometers wide. At its peak, a strange light flickered in all colors. A stone-paved path led up to it. The slope was smooth and gentle, covered in giant white eggs and their shells, which gave the mound its pale hue. The surrounding fields were the same. An insane number of doggos, kitties, and bigger monsters roamed here, watching us with glowing eyes but not daring to come closer than a hundred meters.

  Got it… So the Prime Mother’s a giant chicken. Makes sense demons come from eggs. Hard to imagine it any other way.

  We climbed in silence. Weirdly silent. Wilson’s probably still reeling from the timeskip. The light got closer and dimmer. It took the shape of a dome, with a dark, massive spider silhouette inside. Turns out, it was a magical barrier protecting the Prime Mother, glowing from within. At the peak, two huge demons with massive axes greeted us.

  - Ash, what brings you here? It’s not time for a new generation. Her Majesty’s resting.

  Yeah, the general’s description was spot-on. But I’d add a gut-punching mix of disgust, fear, and a desperate urge to bolt. She stared at me with all ten eyes. Or maybe just six… Doesn’t matter. Point is, I shat a brick under her gaze.

  - Let them pass, Rid. - A consuming female voice echoed from everywhere at once, bouncing in my head and stirring a vague, cold dread in my soul. - I want to talk to Ash.

  - As you wish, my lady.

  The guards stepped aside, pointing the way. We got right up to the soap-bubble barrier, probably held by magic stones embedded in the platform around the mound’s peak.

  - Oh, you’re here too, Zidar. Still not dead?

  - Hilarious, Syria. You know I’m the first to achieve immortality.

  - Your immortality’s a sham. You’re just a parasite, that’s what you are.

  - Ouch, that’s kinda harsh.

  - It’s the truth. Get mad or don’t, I don’t care. You live as long as there’s life around you. What’ll you do when there are no more corpses?

  - I’ll figure something out. Worst case, I’ll stay here with you. Time has no power over death in hell.

  - You won’t go to the surface with everyone else?

  - Nah… Corpses rot too fast up there.

  - Got it… So what’d you bring me? Can’t wait to take a closer look.

  - With all respect, my lady. - Ash stepped forward.

  - What’s this strange creature?

  - And I’m the weird one?

  - Silence! – The guard roared.

  - Easy, Rid. Let him speak.

  At that, a massive egg rolled out of her abdomen, tumbling down the slope, easily passing the bubble barrier. To my shock, no one batted an eye.

  - It’s a half-breed. Half-demon. I believe it’s Pyr’s work.

  - What’s so special about him?

  - He’s insanely strong. He killed hundreds of demons and even my subordinates, at only level eighty.

  - Really?

  - Saw it with these eyes! Well, not these… Point is, it’s true. - Wilson, or Zidar as the Prime Mother called him, chimed in.

  - Is that so?

  - Yes, my lady. I propose using his blood for the new generation.

  - Interesting ideas, Ash. Gotta say, I always liked that about you. Unlike others, you actually care about our race’s future.

  - Thank you, my lady.

  - I sense kindred blood in him. Demon blood. So I think we can try. It’s not time yet, but I want to drink it. Curious how it tastes. - Another egg rolled off, and again, no one seemed to care. I instantly thought of that Hugh Jackman scene from Movie 43. Doesn’t it bother anyone that your conversation partner’s laying eggs mid-chat? - You want to raise a generation before the invasion, right?

  - You see right through me, my lady. I regret using this creature for such a noble cause. If only our Lord could give us worthy warriors…

  - Don’t mention him. Ungrateful bastard. He can do anything… That jerk just doesn’t want to come here.

  - I get him… - I blurted out.

  - Silence! – The guard erupted like a volcano.

  - Calm down, Rid. I don’t mind barbs from my food.

  - What? Food? Isn’t this supposed to be a romantic thing?

  - I don’t follow, food. I want all your blood, to the last drop. Get him to the altar, quick!

  A huge bowl stood nearby, with a thin tube from its base piercing the barrier and leading to the monster’s head. A feeding setup. My crystal coffin floated up, hovering upside-down over it. So conception literally means blood. After all those crazy road adventures, I totally forgot to plan an escape! A sharp crystal was already at my throat. I’m fucked! But… Screw plans! Time to act!

  I shut my eyes. Max focus. Full-speed thinking! Shatter the sarcophagus! With a loud explosion, crystal sand burst everywhere, sparkling with thousands of tiny lightning bolts. I’m free. Falling slowly toward the altar, I instantly blasted magic at Ash’s head. I need just a moment… Quick move, I throw my dagger at the enemy. Yeah, I never sleep unarmed in hell. In slow motion, I watched my dagger fly through electrified dust straight for the general’s eye. The other demons haven’t reacted yet. Shock’s just starting to hit their faces. Unbearable microseconds tick away. The blade’s almost there, but at the last moment, a crystal shield forms. With a faint chime, the dagger hits it and falls, and before I touch the altar, I’m trapped again.

  - Heh… Nice try… You’re a dangerous guy. - Ash said. - Gotta take you out fast.

  - No way… I didn’t eat shit this long just to die like this.

  - But you will. Die.

  - Fine…

  A long crystal spear formed in the air, ready to pierce my head. But instead, it shattered into atoms as a guard behind Ash lopped off his head with an axe. My second dagger, tied to a thin rope of doggo veins, stuck in his eye socket. Demon veins conduct electricity pretty well, by the way.

  The era of remote control has begun!