Chapter 57

  - What the… – The demon didn’t flinch from pain, just showed mild surprise.

  - Yo. – I replied.

  - You? How’d you get here…

  - Walked.

  A brief pause. The Lord glanced at the dagger, barely piercing his palm’s skin.

  - Seriously?

  - Yup… – I nodded with a smug grin.

  - This is how you planned to kill me? In the hand?

  - Figured you might have some bullshit like that asshole who was impossible to hit. Can’t grab a beer with that trick, so I took a shot…

  - I’m immune to all poisons. – Clearly, he thought I’d use dirty tricks. Guy’s got a high opinion of me, I’ll give him that.

  - Alcohol’s technically poison too. Wouldn’t brag about it…

  - Where’s Axis? – He cut me off sharply.

  - Dead. Like your other generals. Thanks to your hospitality. – I squeezed out the nastiest smirk I could. – Told you your staff’s shit.

  - Got it… Doesn’t matter anymore. – He answered too calmly. – They’re not needed. Neither are you.

  - Oh, I need you plenty. Someone’s gotta answer for all the crap I went through. And I went through a fuck-ton. Think I enjoy surviving? There’s way better shit to do in life. So, I demand satisfaction!

  - Haha… Demand… That’s rich. No idea how you killed them—probably bullshit—but you really compare me to them? Got some stats, some skills, and now you think you can threaten me? Guess where all that experience you’re not getting goes?

  - Where?… Big mystery… Up your ass maybe?!

  - Wow, you know. Interesting specimen… Knowing that, you still waltzed into my castle. Either you’re cocky as fuck or dumb as fuck. Here’s the kicker: after you killed that bitch Syria, I got the First Demon title and a neat passive: plus zero-point-one percent experience per demon killed by a racial enemy. Sounds like nothing, but thanks to you, my exp multiplier’s almost ten thousand percent. I gained three levels this month. Haven’t done that in decades. Now I can easily hit level one thousand. So, arrivederci, muchacho. You were a fun mob.

  His eyes blazed brighter, like they’d unleash tons of hellfire on my poor head. Nope, not so fast. I don’t need much time to figure shit out. In that second, his hand, under my command, blocked that fiery glare. Bet his body can’t beat his own magic.

  - No, no, no. Don’t even think about ignoring me. Still not getting it? Your body’s fully under my control.

  - What the… Why won’t my body listen?! What’s this bullshit? AAAAAH!!!! – For some reason, the demon decided to rip out his own eyes. Weird guy…

  - So, where were we? Oh! Satisfaction! Just killing you’s too boring. I want some twisted, bloody shit. Don’t look at me with those empty sockets. I’m a product of your fucked-up system. First, you’ll be a real Lord of Pain, like that poor bastard in the corner. – I pointed at Tolik. (Decided to call him Tolik for some reason.) He let out a weird but definitely happy groan. – Then I’ll turn your skull into a toilet for a nightclub shitter in some podunk town where a sober guest’s rarer than snow in the Sahara.

  - Wait, what’d you say?!

  - Uh… Said you’re in for some fun events. No time to waste.

  - No, the last sentence!

  - Don’t like the skull-toilet idea? Weird, thought it was genius.

  - Sahara, toilet… You an apostle?

  - Who the fuck?

  - Player, dude… Right? Damn… Thought you were a mob.

  That question knocked the ground out from under me. Player… What?

  - What? What player?

  - Virtual, dumbass. A human controlling a game character, blah blah blah…

  - Don’t tell me you…

  - Well… yeah… I’m a real person, not a mob. Look, dude, I’ve been chilling here forever and even I can tell reality from the game.

  I froze again. For a few seconds, I couldn’t move. My thoughts jammed in my throat, stuck in every direction. I even lost control of the demon’s neurons. Feeling his body back, he nudged me lightly.

  - Yo, you good, bro? – His tone softened fast.

  - Good… Me?! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT COCKSUCKER, HOPE YOU DIE, YOU BASTARD!!!

  - AAAAA!!!! – I regained control of his body quick, but lost it over my own psyche. Result: the Lord started shredding himself with his sharp claws.

  - YOU COULDN’T FUCKING FIGURE THAT OUT SOONER?! YOU DUMB FUCK, ONLY THE WORD TOILET TIPPED YOU OFF?! THIS WORD HAS BEEN AROUND FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS, DAMN IT

  - Calm down! AAAAA!

  - Don’t calm me, moron!

  - It’s the localization! All mobs talk like that! I begged for a patch with normal lingo, ‘cause this medieval crap’s fucking annoying!

  - What… – My head spun. Words mashed into a giant pile of shit, so massive it blew neighboring planets away with its stench. – What’s going on? Where am I? How do I get out?

  - You don’t know?

  - DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING KNOW?!

  - Chill, I’ll explain. It’s a full-immersion game on quantum computers. No clue how you’re here and don’t know.

  - Bullshit… A game? But… I died.

  - Meaning?

  Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

  - Meaning like you’re gonna die if you ask one more dumb question. Crashed into a tree at a hundred twenty kph.

  - Ohhh… Makes sense.

  - Fucking brilliant sense! The most sensical sense! Care to explain, pretty please?

  - They made this tech to help coma patients, get it? You didn’t die, bro! Wait… You seriously thought you reincarnated in a fantasy world? For real? That’s cartoon shit.

  - You’re fucked…

  - No! No! Hold o—AAAAA!!!!

  - What the fuck was I supposed to think when I was a helpless baby?!

  - Baby?

  - I remember crawling out of a vagina!

  - What?! That’s how the system restarts? Damn… Can’t die then. That’s some hardcore bullshit.

  - Restart?

  - You die, lose all skills, and start in a random new body. No saves. All for realism. This is a top-secret playground for the elite. Total virtual reality.

  - So… I’m in the Matrix?

  - Kinda…

  I thought for a bit. And in my thoughts, one urgent idea hit fast. I pulled out my second dagger and stared at it, focusing all my attention, so I had to shut my mouth briefly.

  - Yo, bro, still there? – The demon got nervous.

  - Don’t interrupt.

  - What’re you doing?

  - Trying to bend the dagger.

  - What?

  - There is no spoon…

  - Look, kid… You’ve got serious head issues. AAAAA!!! Okay, okay, sorry. I get you, bro. This shit’s fucked me up too. I’ve been here two thousand years. Without sleep mode, I’d have lost it. How about you let me go, and we talk normal?

  - First, remove this fucking specialty.

  - Oooookay… – He said, way too suspiciously. – Need my body for that.

  - Don’t bullshit me. Do it.

  - Thing is, you can’t remove that specialty.

  - Ugh… Got it… Well, see ya!

  His hand swung to cut off his own head.

  - Wait! That won’t change anything!

  - No slaver, no slave. Simple.

  - Sure, tell that to the thousands of Black people wiping white asses for centuries. It’s not that simple. Raise a hand against the master, and you get worse than death.

  - What bullshit you on about? You a nig—

  -

  / Warning /

  / You used a forbidden word /

  / All your stats reduced by 1 /

  -

  - What the fuck…

  - My exclusive passive.

  - You fucking bastard! You know how hard I worked for those points?!

  - Not my fault you’re a racist.

  - Fuck you!

  - Killing me won’t lift the penalty.

  - Won’t know till I try.

  - Fine, here’s the deal. I was too lazy to grind my character, so I paid the devs for a special skill. Didn’t wanna die easy, so I told those pricks to figure something out. Wanted to control slaves, but the bastards said it’s inhumane. Yeah, didn’t bother them centuries ago. Anyway, they coded it so the penalty stays after my death. Easier for them. Less code. Bitches… How’s that supposed to stop anyone from killing me?

  - Yeah… Not much of a deterrent.

  - Wait, wait! I’m stuck here too. I wanna get out. That four-eyed fuck locked me in this shithole, and now I can’t log out, imagine? Time moves faster here than IRL, but who cares?! That bastard trapped me for two thousand years! Two fucking thousand years!!! Doesn’t matter how many times I die—I respawn here. Total shitshow…

  - Who you talking about?

  - The dev, damn him… Asshole found out I banged his daughter and locked me here. My fault she’s my fan? How was I supposed to know she’s sixteen? Fucking hell… Worst part? He made all demons, including me, impotent. The only one I could screw was that monster you killed. That mob’s a dead ringer for that prick, by the way. – He pointed at Tolik.

  - So? Want pity? You know what you put me through?

  - I’ll make it up when we get out! I’m filthy rich! Got more cash than you can dream of, bro. Know who I am?

  - Who? Is there a word that sums up every insult in existence?

  - Listen up, homie:

  “Now that that don’t kill me

  Can only make me stronger

  I need you to hurry up now

  ‘Cause I can’t wait much longer…”

  That’s right… He just rapped…

  - Recognize me now?

  - Nope.

  - I’m Kanye East, your ass.

  - …

  - Seriously? You don’t know me?

  - Doesn’t ring a bell… Oh, your wife had an ass big enough to store the US gold reserves?

  - What’d you say, asshole?! AAAAA!!!! Stop! It hurts! AAAA!!! Please! The system only blocks seventy percent of pain. AAAAA!!!

  - Dude, you’re digging your own grave.

  - AAAAA!!!

  - Not everyone’s special like you. Some of us don’t have those perks!!!!

  - AAAAA!!!

  - How do I get out?!

  - There’s a way… That prick left a portal. Fucking bastard… How am I supposed to know shitty Chopin? I’m a rapper, not some scrub violinist! Can’t leave through the gate either. Only one option—break the system to shit. We found the crutch holding up the magic, but it’s not easy to destroy.

  - I’m asking about this Matrix, dumbass.

  - Normally, no issue. There’s a logout in the status, but mine’s cut off.

  - I don’t have anything like that.

  - Congrats, bro. No clue how, but you must’ve pissed off that bastard too.

  - Bullshit…

  - Post anything spicy on Twitter lately?

  - I’m a normal guy. No need to flaunt my dumb thoughts to people who don’t give a shit. Any other way?

  - One. Reach level one thousand, and you get a quest for absolute admin rights. Then you’re a true god. That’s the game’s original goal. Apostle tournament. You’ve noticed this reality’s almost real, minus demons and all. Everyone wants to feel like God. I almost did it. With your help, I can get us both out. I’ll drown you in cash. You’ll swim in gold when we escape.

  - Hold up, I don’t get something. If time’s faster here, and I saw you on TV seventeen years ago, how’s that work?

  - Hell if I know. Don’t remember when I got here. So, deal? Come on, we’re civilized folks. Want me to make this place a paradise when I hit a thousand? Any twisted dream you got, I’ll make it real.

  - My dreams might fuck with your well-being.

  - Come on, you wanted to work for me, right? Be my general.

  Too tempting. Like the devil handing me Eden’s apple. Wait… Actually… What’s a smart guy do? I know tons of stories where taking deals like this screws you. This plot’s overdone, and I’d risk pissing off someone whose copyright you don’t mess with. With my luck, hoping for a good outcome’s pointless. So, the answer was obvious:

  - I’m in.

  - Awesome!

  - Want a villa in Italy and one in California. Yacht, private jet, some sports cars, and a couple dozen million bucks. I’m modest. Don’t need much.

  - Yeah… Real fucking modest.

  - Problem?

  - No, no, all good, you’ll get it. So, let me go already? How’re you controlling my body anyway? That’s some cheat-level skill. Where’d you get it?

  - Oh, bro, you’ll love this. The Young Wizards’ School by the Rock’s always open to new students. – I pulled the dagger from Kanye’s hand. – It’s the dagger. One pierce, and I control the body. Just needs direct contact to bypass the aura.

  - Damn, that’s OP… What’d you trade for it?

  - My virginity.

  - For real?

  - Dead serious.

  - Fine, keep your secrets. – The demon stood, groping his way out of the pool. – Can’t see shit. Did you have to rip out my eyes?

  - Shut it. Say thanks I left the rest. Bet you’ve got some regen skill or something.

  - Sadly, it’s not as fast as I’d like. Got thermal vision, but it’s useless here. Everything’s hot. Look, bro, I can’t figure out how you got here.

  - You screwing with me?

  - Far as I know, I can’t enslave a player. Maybe I missed something, or it’s a glitch… No idea. But you’re clueless about the game. Though, if you’re in a coma, that tracks. Maybe you logged in with side effects? Doc mentioned memory loss as a risk. Either way, should I consider you a player?

  - Call me Elvis, I don’t give a shit.

  - Not so fast. This game’s got rules. Only one can be God, get it? No co-op. And who’s it gonna be if not me? I’m His Majesty, Lord of Demons! The Black God of the new world!...

  - Two thousand years, you said?..

  - I’d maybe let you roam free, but you’re too dangerous. – Fire sparked in his empty sockets.

  - What’re you hinting at, bro?

  - Knew you weren’t a mob, but you were so useful… Ugh… Should’ve killed me, kid… Enslaver! – Kanye shouted, and a painfully familiar object materialized in his hands. A thick metal rod with a red-hot spiral tip.

  - My mom used something like that to mash potatoes.

  - Sorry, bro, I lied. I pushed those nerds to give me slave-control anyway. You’ll be my puppy till I hit a thousand, then I’ll finish you. Don’t be mad, that’s life.

  Kanye raised his masher toward me, smirking:

  - On your kne— – He didn’t finish. He stood, baffled, unable to move. His body wasn’t his, though I was ten steps away. No direct contact.

  - Ugh… Knew in my ass nothing good could happen, per physics. You’re not very observant, dude. Didn’t notice the string tying my hand to the dagger I slipped into your back? Curious about my skill? Nothing fancy. I just control the electricity in your body. No spells or bullshit needed. System skills suck—you gotta voice-activate them. So inconvenient. Got one like that, and I feel like an idiot every time I use it. Mostly ‘cause it makes everyone attack me. Who in their right mind would?

  I walked over and snatched the brand from him.

  -

  / You are not the owner of this artifact /

  / You lack the required skills to use this artifact /

  / Artifact functions are locked for you /

  -

  - Oh… System, you’re wrong here. Your imagination’s pretty fucking limited.

  I winked at the Lord of Demons. He slowly turned a hundred eighty degrees and got on all fours.

  - Yo, Tolik, come here, you’ll love this show. We’re expanding this artifact’s functionality. Get it? Function-Anality, hahaha…