"LEFT!" Mira shouted, and I veered hard, following her as she darted past a dried-up fountain filled with pennies and old receipts.
Kitten Cowboy bounced on my shoulder, drawing his tiny revolver and one of his paws. "PEW PEW PEW!" it shouted, firing off rounds behind us.
I risked a glance back and immediately regretted it. The mannequins were gaining on us, their blank faces somehow expressing rage despite having no features. One of them—the one in the velour tracksuit—was particularly fast, its arms outstretched like it wanted to give me the world's most violent hug.
"THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER!" the hare shrieked.
Something in me snapped. I'd spent forty-three years alone on Earth, the first floor, fought a Titan, and I'd be damned—well, more damned—if I was going to run from a bunch of discount department store decorations.
"No," I said, skidding to a halt. "I'm done running."
"WHAT?!" Mira spun around, her wings flaring. "Daniel, this is NOT the time for—"
"Trust me," I said, my eyes locked on the approaching mannequins. My Survivor's Instinct was screaming warning.
The mannequins were fast but predictable. They moved in straight lines. But I remembered what the dungeon notification had said: DON'T BLINK. And suddenly it clicked—they were like Weeping Angels. They only moved when you weren't looking at them.
The one in the velour tracksuit was leading the pack, about three meters away. Behind it, five more spread out in a loose formation.
"Everyone, listen!" I shouted. "They can't move if we're looking at them! Keep your eyes on them!"
"WHAT?!" Mira called back.
"Trust me! Just watch them!"
I locked my gaze on the tracksuit mannequin. It froze mid-stride, one plastic leg suspended in the air. The others behind it also stopped, their blank faces aimed at us but completely motionless.
"It's working!" Mira said, her voice filled with amazement and relief.
"Kitten, I need you to keep watching the ones on the right. Mira, take the left. Hare, center. I'm going to hit them while they're frozen."
"PEW!" Kitten Cowboy's eyes narrowed, locking onto the mannequins on the right side.
"On it," Mira said, her gaze fixed on the left flank.
"OH GOD OH GOD BUT OKAY," the hare squeaked, staring at the center group with wide, unblinking eyes.
With my team keeping the mannequins frozen under their collective gaze, I considered the Exploding Rubber Duck in my inventory. For a split second, I almost threw it—but no. The mannequins were already frozen. The duck wouldn't do any real damage, just soap bubbles and noise. And the explosion would make us all blink, giving them a chance to advance.
"NOW!" I shouted to Kitten Cowboy instead.
Kitten Cowboy activated Dramatic Standoff while maintaining eye contact with his targets. For exactly two seconds, the tiny cat froze in perfect gunslinger pose, one paw on his holster, orange fur backlit by the mall's flickering lights. Then—BANG. The round hit the tracksuit mannequin dead center, the guaranteed critical hit sending it flying backward into two others.
"Everyone spread out!" I shouted, thrusting my hand forward while keeping my eyes on the mannequins. "Surround them but maintain eye contact!"
DELAYED REACTION ACTIVATED.
My Survivor's Instinct screamed. One of us had blinked. A mannequin's plastic arm whistled through the air. I threw myself right, the movement pure reflex, and 2.2 seconds later, my Delayed Reaction kicked in—my body suddenly moving with enhanced precision as I rolled to my feet.
"Hare!" I yelled, my reaction speed still elevated. "Circle around them, but keep your eyes on them!"
"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD," the Hare shrieked, but its Softstep Paw Wraps let it dart around the mannequins' sides silently while maintaining its terrified stare. The constant eye contact kept them frozen as the hare moved into position.
I grabbed my Hellrush Infernal Energy Drink and chugged it. Stamina was meaningless right now, but the +3 to speed? That mattered.
The acidic energy drink burned its way down my throat like liquid fire. I gasped, one hand clutching at my chest as the carbonation and artificial citrus flavoring scraped against my esophagus. My stomach immediately protested, a sharp, acidic pain blooming in my gut.
"Fuck," I wheezed, my eyes watering. The +3 speed was kicking in. Combined with my still-active Delayed Reaction enhancement, the world sharpened to crystal clarity. But so was the nausea.
The tracksuit mannequin was getting up. I ran straight at it, keeping my eyes locked on its blank face. It couldn't move under my gaze. I dropped into a slide at exactly the right moment, my destroyed Wanderer's Boots actually helping me slip faster across the linoleum.
My palm slapped against the cold linoleum as I slid under the tracksuit mannequin's reach. The momentum carried me past it, and I twisted my body, keeping my eyes locked on its blank face. As I came out of the slide, I planted my foot and drove my shoulder into its plastic torso.
The impact jarred through my body, but the mannequin toppled backward, its rigid form unable to compensate. It crashed into the fountain with a hollow crack.
"Daniel!" Mira shouted. "Two more on your six!"
I spun, my enhanced speed making the movement almost too fast. Two mannequins were frozen mid-lunge, their plastic hands reaching for where I'd been a second ago.
I grabbed a metal clothing rack and swung it like a baseball bat. The impact sent the first mannequin flying into a display window, glass exploding everywhere. The second one lunged, but I kicked over a trash bin, sending it rolling into its path. It stumbled, and I shoved an entire shelf unit down on top of it.
"Three down!" I called out, breathing hard.
"LEFT SIDE!" the hare yelled.
I snapped my gaze left. A mannequin in a business suit was frozen mid-reach, its fingers inches from Mira's wing. I grabbed a mannequin torso from a nearby display and hurled it like a bowling ball. Direct hit. The business suit mannequin toppled backward.
I ran at it, keeping my eyes locked on its blank face. I grabbed a metal coat hanger and jammed it into the crack in its shoulder joint, then twisted hard. The arm popped off completely. When it swung at me with its other arm, I ducked and swept its legs with a clothing display stand. It went down hard.
"They're tougher than they look!" I warned the others, tossing aside the bent hanger.
Two mannequins remained standing. The energy drink's effects were fading, but I wasn't done yet.
"Mira, keep your eyes on the one on the right!" I shouted. "I'm taking the left one!"
I charged the remaining mannequin, dodging its first swing. I grabbed a heavy potted plant from a nearby planter and smashed it over the mannequin's head. Dirt and ceramic shards exploded everywhere. The mannequin staggered. I kicked a wheeled display cart into its legs, and as it toppled, I brought a metal sign post down on it repeatedly until the plastic crumbled.
The final mannequin stood motionless under Mira's gaze. I approached it slowly and grabbed a fire extinguisher from the wall.
"Everyone look away on three," I said. "This one's mine."
"Daniel!" Mira shouted.
"One… two… three!"
The mannequin rushed forward. I didn't try to dodge. I swung the fire extinguisher like a sledgehammer, catching it square in the chest. It flew backward into a support column. I advanced on it, using the extinguisher as a battering ram, driving it again and again into the column until something in it finally broke and it collapsed into a heap of plastic shards.
I stood there, breathing hard, surrounded by overturned displays, broken glass, scattered merchandise, and shattered mannequin pieces.
"Did we..." Mira started.
"WE DID IT!" the hare screamed. "DANIEL DID IT!"
"PEW!" Kitten Cowboy added, sounding impressed.
A notification appeared in my vision:
ENCOUNTER COMPLETE: MANNEQUIN SWARM DEFEATED
+200 XP
SKILL LEVEL UP: IMPROVISED WEAPONRY - LEVEL 2
Environmental objects now deal 25% increased damage when used as weapons.
LEVEL UP!
LEVEL: 9
EXPERIENCE: 0 / 3,500
NEW ATTRIBUTE POINTS EARNED: 2
UNALLOCATED ATTRIBUTE POINTS: 15
NEW SKILL POINT EARNED: 1
SKILL POINTS AVAILABLE: 4
PENDING REWARDS: 1
"Oh," I said, noticing the notification. "I leveled up."
"Daniel," Mira said, looking at me seriously. "You've got a lot of points piling up. You should start spending them."
I wiped sweat from my forehead. "I know, but—"
"No buts," she interrupted.
I sighed. "Okaaaay."
I focused on the pending reward notification.
The swirling light coalesced into something solid, dropping into my hands with unexpected weight.
A brick.
It was just a brick. A plain, ordinary construction brick made of dark red clay.
Text appeared above it:
THROWING BRICK OF RETURNING (Uncommon)
REQUIREMENTS: 10 STRENGTH
EFFECTS:
-
+3 STRENGTH
-
Active Ability: Return - After throwing the brick, you can mentally recall it. The brick will fly back toward you at high speed. (Warning: Does not assist with catching. You are responsible for not getting hit in the face.)
DESCRIPTION: A magically enhanced brick that returns to its owner when summoned. Originally created by a mason who was tired of climbing down ladders to retrieve dropped tools.
FLAVOR TEXT: "What goes around comes around."
I stared at the brick in my hands, then at my attribute screen. Fifteen unallocated points, just sitting there.
"Okay," I said slowly. "Time to actually use these."
I pulled up my attribute screen again, thinking carefully about what I needed. The brick would give me +3 Strength if I could equip it, which meant I only needed to get to 10 base Strength first.
I allocated carefully:
STRENGTH: 7 → 10 (+3)
AGILITY: 9 → 11 (+2)
This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.
COGNITION: 10 → 12 (+2)
INSTINCT: 12 → 14 (+2)
UNALLOCATED POINTS REMAINING: 6
Energy flooded through my body as the points took effect. My muscles felt denser, my movements smoother.
I picked up the brick again. This time, when I gripped it, raw power surged through me. A mental connection formed—I could feel the brick like it was an extension of my own body.
STRENGTH: 10 → 13 (10 base +3 from brick)
"Oh," I said, hefting the brick with a growing smile. "Oh, that's... that's actually really good."
I closed my fist around it. My hand felt solid, strong. The weight was perfect.
"Yeah, it's a brick. But you know what? I actually like it. It's practical. Straightforward. This thing's going to be useful."
"NOW DO THE SKILL POINTS," the hare said enthusiastically.
I pulled up the skill menu, still feeling the comfortable heft of my new weapon.
SKILL POINTS AVAILABLE: 4
I had four points to spend. Delayed Reaction and Pocket Sand both had progression paths available. I couldn't choose Improvised Weaponry.
"One point into Delayed Reaction," I decided. "It's my most reliable survival tool."
DELAYED REACTION: LEVEL 3 → LEVEL 4
REACTION WINDOW: 2.2 seconds → 2.0 seconds
EVASION ACCURACY: Increased
"And one into Pocket Sand," I continued. "Because it's saved my life more times than I want to admit."
POCKET SAND: LEVEL 2 → LEVEL 3
DEBRIS VOLUME: Increased
NEW EFFECT: Can now target two enemies within 5 feet of each other
"Two more points left," Mira said. "What about that Dishwashing skill?"
"No... I'm saving these. I want to see what other skills become available first."
"THAT'S VERY CAUTIOUS OF YOU," the hare approved.
SKILL POINTS REMAINING: 2
I was still admiring my new brick when my eyes caught something across the mall floor.
A vending machine.
Not just any vending machine—this one was decorated with balloons and streamers, and had a sign that read "FREE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE! PRESS THE BUTTON!"
"Oh no," Mira said, following my gaze. "Daniel, don't—"
"It says free," I pointed out.
"IT'S A TRAP," the hare said immediately. "IT'S OBVIOUSLY A TRAP. THE BALLOONS ARE A DEAD GIVEAWAY."
"But it says birthday surprise," I said, already walking toward it. "Maybe it's reverse psychology—they want us to think it's a trap so we won't press it."
I approached the vending machine. Up close, I could see it was one of those old-style machines with the big button and the mechanical dispensing mechanism. The balloons tied to it bobbed cheerfully. Inside, I could see rows of wrapped presents, each one with a little bow.
"See?" I said. "Presents. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Do you want me to list them alphabetically or by severity?" Mira asked.
I reached out and pressed the button.
For a moment, nothing happened. The machine just hummed quietly, its interior light flickering.
Then confetti exploded from the top. Actual confetti, showering down over me in a cascade of colorful paper.
"Huh," I said, brushing confetti off my shoulder. "That's actually kind of ni—"
Survivor's Instinct pinged.
WARNING: ENVIRONMENTAL HAZARD DETECTED
The notification appeared at the exact same moment the floor beneath the vending machine gave way.
The vending machine dropped. I, standing right in front of it, dropped too.
"DANIEL!" Mira's voice echoed from above.
We fell.
Except Mira: she flew down with us.
For one weightless second, I saw the hare's face appear over the edge of the hole, its expression saying I told you so louder than words ever could. Then I hit something soft with a collective FWOOMP.
I bounced. Actually bounced, like the world had turned into a trampoline. I went up about three feet, arms windmilling, confetti still raining down around me, before coming back down and bouncing again.
"What the—" Bounce. "—actual—" Bounce. "—hell?"
I managed to stabilize myself enough to look around. The vending machine had landed a few feet away, somehow still intact, its birthday balloons still cheerfully bobbing. We'd fallen into what appeared to be a massive pit filled with ball pit balls—thousands of them, maybe millions, stretching out in every direction like a plastic ocean.
A ball pit. I'd pressed a button on a suspicious vending machine and fallen into a giant mall ball pit.
"YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON," the hare wailed from above, surfacing at the edge of the hole. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO PRESS THE BUTTON. WHY DID YOU PRESS THE BUTTON?"
"It said free!" I shouted back.
"NOTHING IS FREE IN HELL!"
The hare jumped down after me, because apparently misery loves company. It hit the balls with a small splash and immediately started thrashing. "I'M GOING TO DIE IN HERE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE IN HERE!"
Mira had managed to stay airborne, hovering above the sea of plastic spheres with her wings beating rapidly. Kitten Cowboy clung to my shoulder, looking around at the balls with what I could only describe as deep disappointment.
"Daniel," Mira said slowly. "This is—"
A notification appeared in my vision:
TRAP ACTIVATED: THE PIT OF ETERNAL CHILDHOOD
EFFECT: All participants must locate and retrieve the Golden Birthday Coin hidden somewhere within the ball pit. Until the coin is found, no one may leave.
DURATION: Until completion
NOTE: This is what you get for pressing suspicious buttons. Did we not make this obvious enough?
"HOW BIG IS THIS THING?" the hare asked, spinning around frantically. The balls came up to its chest, and it was doing a panicked doggy paddle through them.
I looked around. The pit stretched out in every direction, easily the size of a football field. The walls were at least twenty feet high, smooth plastic that would be impossible to climb. Overhead, I could see the hole we'd fallen through, confetti still drifting down like the world's most passive-aggressive reminder of my poor decision-making. Beyond that, the distant ceiling of the mall.
"This is ridiculous," I muttered, wading through the balls. Each step meant lifting my leg high, like trudging through waist-deep snow. The balls shifted and rolled beneath my feet, making balance nearly impossible. "This is actually, genuinely ridiculous."
Kitten Cowboy surfaced next to me. It looked at me, looked at the balls, looked at the vending machine still cheerfully displaying its "FREE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE" sign, then looked back at me. I swear I saw disappointment in its little feline face.
"I know, buddy," I said. "I know. I should have listened to the anxious hare."
"YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE ANXIOUS HARE!" the hare shouted, still flailing through the balls. "THE ANXIOUS HARE KNOWS THINGS!"
I tried to take a step forward and immediately face-planted into the balls. They parted around my face, then closed back over my head. I surfaced, spitting out a yellow ball along with a piece of confetti.
"This is a nightmare," I announced. "This is genuinely worse than the mannequins."
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE IN HERE," the hare predicted, thrashing through the balls. "BURIED ALIVE IN PLASTIC! OUR BODIES WILL NEVER BE FOUND! THEY'LL JUST BECOME PART OF THE PIT! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE SOMEONE PRESSED A BUTTON!"
"We're not going to die," I said, though I wasn't entirely sure. "We just need to find one coin. How hard can it be?"
I tried to swim through the balls. That didn't work—I just sort of flailed in place while balls cascaded over me. I tried to walk. That resulted in three more face-plants.
"Mira," I called out, finally managing to stay upright. "Can you fly over and search from above?"
"Already on it," she said, taking off and hovering slowly over the pit, her eyes scanning the surface.
I looked down at the balls around me. Hundreds of them, just in my immediate vicinity. And the coin could be anywhere. Under any of them. At any depth.
"Okay," I said, cracking my knuckles. "Systematic approach. We divide the pit into sections and—"
That's when the balls started moving.
Not from us. From something else.
A ripple ran through the pit, like something large was moving beneath the surface. I froze, watching as the balls about twenty feet away bulged upward, then settled.
"Uh," I said. "Did anyone else see that?"
"THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE WITH US!" the hare shrieked.
Another ripple, closer this time. The balls rose up in a wave, peaked, then crashed back down with a sound like a thousand plastic rain drops.
"Mira?" I called up. "Can you see anything from up there?"
"No, the balls are too—DANIEL, MOVE!"
I threw myself sideways just as something erupted from the balls right where I'd been standing. Something huge and inflatable.
A dragon.
An inflatable pool toy dragon, to be specific. Bright purple, with yellow spikes down its back and googly eyes that bounced on springs. It was at least twelve feet long, and it rose up from the balls with all the majesty of a pool floatie that had gained sentience and chosen violence.
It opened its mouth—which was just printed fabric—and let out a sound that was somehow both a roar and the squeak of rubber.
"SQUEEEEEAK!"
The dragon lunged. I tried to dodge, but moving in the ball pit was like moving through molasses. The inflatable head caught me in the chest and sent me flying backward into the balls. I went under, plastic spheres closing over my head, muffling all sound.
I surfaced, gasping, spitting out confetti.
"PEW PEW PEW!" Kitten Cowboy opened fire, tiny rounds bouncing harmlessly off the dragon's inflated hide.
The dragon turned toward the sound. It dove back under the balls, and I watched the telltale ripple heading straight for Kitten Cowboy.
"Look out!" I shouted.
The cat saw it coming and tried to quick-draw, but the balls made fast movement impossible. The dragon burst up right underneath it, and Kitten Cowboy went flying through the air, paws windmilling, gun spinning away.
"NO!" I waded forward as fast as I could, which was agonizingly slow. "Not the cat!"
Mira swooped down and caught Kitten Cowboy mid-flight, then banked hard as the dragon's tail swung through the space where she'd been.
The hare had gone completely catatonic, floating in the balls with a thousand-yard stare. "This is it," it muttered. "This is how it ends. I always knew..."
The dragon dove again, and I lost sight of it. The balls were too deep, too numerous. It could be anywhere.
I looked down at the brick in my hand. My fancy new magic brick that I'd been so pleased with two minutes ago, before I'd made the worst decision of my afterlife.
"Okay," I said. "Okay, think. It's inflatable. That means..."
A ripple, heading straight for the hare.
"HARE, MOVE!"
The hare didn't move. The dragon burst up, mouth open wide, googly eyes bouncing enthusiastically.
I threw the brick.
It spun through the air in a perfect arc and hit the dragon right in one of its googly eyes. The eye snapped off its spring and went flying. The dragon let out an offended squeak and turned toward me.
"Oh no," I said.
The brick flew back toward me. I reached up to catch it and immediately remembered the warning. The brick hit me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me, and I went down into the balls again.
I surfaced, wheezing. "Need to work on my catching," I gasped.
The dragon was heading straight for me now, its one remaining googly eye fixed on me with what I could only interpret as fury.
The dragon lunged.
Time seemed to slow, just slightly. I saw the inflated head coming toward me, the painted-on flames, the one googly eye bouncing merrily. I pushed off against the balls, moving as fast as the ball pit would allow, and twisted my body sideways.
The dragon's head passed inches from my face. I could hear the air inside it, could see the printed warning label about choking hazards.
Then time snapped back to normal speed, and I belly-flopped into the balls.
The dragon circled back for another pass. I planted my feet, hefted the brick, and waited. It dove under the balls.
Silence. Just the gentle rustling of plastic spheres and the occasional piece of confetti drifting down from above.
"Where is it?" Mira hovered overhead, scanning the pit. "I can't see it."
I turned slowly, brick ready. The balls shifted around me, but I couldn't tell if it was from my movement or from something else.
Then I felt it—a current in the balls, flowing past my legs.
"Below!" I looked down just as the dragon erupted directly beneath me.
I went up. Actually flew through the air, launched by an inflatable dragon like a human cannonball. For a moment, I had a perfect bird's-eye view of the entire ball pit.
And there, about thirty feet to my left, I saw it—a metallic glint among the plastic balls.
The Golden Birthday Coin.
"There!" I shouted, pointing as I reached the peak of my arc. "I see it!"
But the dragon was still coming toward me. When I looked down to see it approaching, I realized I had something both useless and useful at the same time.
My Groin Guards.
As the dragon came toward me, I spread my legs and hit it with my Groin Guards.
"Eat this!" I shouted.
The Groin Guards connected with the dragon's inflated snout with a satisfying THWACK. The impact sent a shockwave through the dragon's entire body, and for a moment, it seemed to hang suspended in the air, its googly eye spinning wildly.
The dragon shot backward like a rubber band released at full tension, spinning end over end through the air. It crashed into the far wall of the ball pit with a tremendous WHAM, sending a wave of plastic balls cascading in all directions.
I, meanwhile, dropped like a stone.
I hit the balls hard, went under completely, and for a moment everything was just plastic and darkness and the muffled sound of my own breathing. Balls pressed against my face, my chest, my arms. I flailed, trying to find up, trying to find air.
My hand broke the surface first, then my head. I gasped, spitting out a green ball and what I was pretty sure was the same piece of confetti from before.
"That," I wheezed, "was not my best plan."
"Did you say you saw it?" Mira called down.
"Yeah!" I struggled to my feet, spitting out a red ball. "That way! About thirty feet!"
The dragon surfaced again, but this time I was ready. I mentally called the brick, and it flew through the air toward me. I caught it—barely—by cradling it against my chest like a football. The impact drove me back a step, but I kept my footing.
"Come on then!" I shouted at the dragon, brandishing the brick. "Let's finish this!"
The dragon's remaining googly eye fixed on me. It let out another squeaking roar and charged, plowing through the balls like an inflatable battleship.
I wound up and threw the brick as hard as I could.
It hit the dragon right in its open mouth and—somehow—went inside.
The dragon stopped. Its googly eye went crossed. Then it started spinning in place, making confused squeaking noises, as the brick ricocheted around inside its inflated body.
"Oh," I said. "Oh, that's actually kind of—"
The brick tore through the dragon's side with a loud PFFFFT.
Air exploded out of the tear. The dragon started spinning like a deflating balloon, whipping around the ball pit, bouncing off walls, making that horrible flatulent noise that all deflating pool toys make.
"EVERYONE DOWN!" I shouted, diving into the balls.
The dragon rocketed overhead, still spinning, still squeaking, trailing its purple inflatable tail behind it like a sad ribbon. It bounced off the far wall, ricocheted off the ceiling, and finally crash-landed in the middle of the pit, where it lay deflated and defeated, one googly eye staring up at nothing.
Silence fell. Just the gentle rustling of settling balls and one last piece of confetti lazily drifting down.
"Is it over?" the hare whispered.
"I think it's over," Mira said, landing carefully on the edge of the pit.
I stood up, the brick returning to my hand with a satisfying smack.
"Right," I said. "The coin. Let's get the coin and get out of here before something else happens."
I waded toward where I'd seen the metallic glint. Each step was still a struggle, but at least nothing was trying to eat me anymore. The hare followed behind me, muttering darkly about pool toys, suspicious vending machines, and people who press buttons they shouldn't press.
There—between a yellow ball and a blue ball, I saw it. A golden coin about the size of a silver dollar, engraved with a birthday cake and the words "BEST DAY EVER."
I reached down and picked it up.
GOLDEN BIRTHDAY COIN RETRIEVED
TRAP DEACTIVATED
LESSON LEARNED: DON'T PRESS SUSPICIOUS BUTTONS (PROBABILITY OF RETENTION: LOW)
Stairs suddenly sprouted from the ball pit walls—actual, normal stairs leading up to the mall floor. Soft lighting appeared, and I heard the distant sound of what might have been children's laughter.
"Thank god," I muttered, pocketing the coin. "Let's never speak of this again."
"AGREED," the hare said emphatically. "ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT THE BUTTON."
We climbed out of the pit in silence, covered in static electricity and shame. Behind us, the deflated dragon lay among the balls like a monument to absurdity, and the vending machine sat there with its cheerful sign, ready to ruin someone else's day.
As I reached the top of the stairs, I looked back one more time at the ball pit and the vending machine that had started this whole mess.
A notification appeared:
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: DIGNIFIED DEFEAT
Lose a fight to something that shouldn't be threatening.
REWARD: +1 HUMILITY (NOT A REAL STAT BUT YOU GET THE IDEA)
BONUS ACHIEVEMENT: BUTTON MASHER
Press a suspicious button despite multiple warning signs.
REWARD: VALUABLE LIFE LESSON (WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY IGNORE NEXT TIME)
SECRET BOSS DEFEATED!
INFLATABLE POOL TOY DRAGON
Level: ??? | Type: Cursed Mall Decoration
RARE REWARD OBTAINED:
DRAGON'S BOUNCY SPIRIT
Category: Legendary Companion Item
Effect: Once per day, summon a miniature inflatable dragon that will distract enemies with its googly eyes and deflating noises. Can also be used as a surprisingly effective flotation device.
Special Property: This dragon will never truly deflate in your inventory. It has achieved eternal bounce.
Additional Stats: +3 Balloon Animal Affinity
SECRET BOSS BONUS: +500 XP
MALL SURVIVAL RATING INCREASED: D+ → C-
I dismissed both notifications with extreme prejudice and started walking, my destroyed boots squishing with each step, the brick solid and reassuring in my hand, and a newfound wariness of any vending machine that looked too cheerful.