I never have a fucking clue what is going on.
—Unknown Poet
Chase was as irritating as ever. He didn’t care about Caitlyn’s wishes any more than Violet did. He was being vague specifically to annoy her. She didn’t much care for any possible implication to his words she could think of, but for all she knew, he was just talking to hear the sound of his own voice. She decided to file his comments away in case they would be useful later, but offered little more attention than that.
Instead, she pulled Alex to another seat where she could speak with him more privately. “Hey, are you doing alright?” she asked. “You seemed okay yesterday.” Alex sniffed and took a deep breath, still trying to hide his red eyes from his girlfriend.
“It just… it didn’t feel real until today. Leaving everything behind. Leaving my mom behind. It just all hit me at once when I said goodbye. When I got on the train. Before, it was just an idea. A grand gesture for you. But now, it’s real, and…” he trailed off.
“And you’re scared,” Violet finished softly. He nodded.
“She tried to stop me. She tried to look brave when I refused, and she failed. I’m not sure which hurt more. But even now, I’m tempted to get off of this train and go to her,” he whispered.
Violet felt a slight pang of guilt as he talked about his mother, but it was quickly drowned by a persistent curiosity. Why did her death offer so much less clarity than Derek’s? Caitlyn was weaker than Derek by a wide margin, but killing her had actually been more difficult. Derek was paralyzed. Unable to fight back. But Caitlyn? Caitlyn had been healthy and strong. Violet had needed to get in close and surprise her. She’d needed to bind her victim with crystal and hoist the struggling body into the air by the neck. All while hoping the warehouse was isolated enough to mitigate the noise. Violet sighed.
“I understand. I felt the same way, almost. When I first entered the mist. I mean, I didn’t really have to worry about painful goodbyes or last-ditch attempts to keep me out of the mist, but I understand that moment when everything becomes real. When you realize the danger you are in. It will pass, I promise,” she reassured. Alex shook his head, even as he kept his eyes toward the ground.
“It’s not that,” he replied. “I mean, it is. I’m scared as hell. But that’s not what matters. It’s my mom, Violet. She was so hurt. I just… I don’t know if it’s a good idea to leave her alone. She was hurting. She was really hurting. And I just left her there. I can’t get her face out of my head. I’m not so sure this was a good idea.”
There was only one thing that made sense. It has nothing to do with how difficult it is, she thought. And it didn’t. She’d been lucky that Derek had been injured. But she decided the clarity granted would be unchanged regardless. The final words describing her calling played through her head again and again. When she dominates, she grows strong. When she reaps, she grows stronger still. “Reaper” made it sound like killing was her calling. In a way, it was. But the description had said more than that.
“Alex, I promise you, your mom will be okay. She is a strong woman. A smart and determined one. But if you’d thought this would be enough to break her, you never would have considered coming with me in the first place,” Violet replied. “She loves you. Like I do. She doesn’t want to be without you. Like I don’t. But she’ll be okay. She’ll survive. She will face the world without your help—and without your support. And she’ll come out the other side stronger. Like I did.”
Alex took a moment to respond. His body tensed as the war in his head raged on. Violet waited patiently. He knew that his mom could get him out of this, even now. He knew someone else would have to take his place. Violet knew he wouldn’t accept that, at least in the long term. She wasn’t particularly worried. But fear was a powerful drug, and Alex wasn’t a brave man. A snap decision wasn’t impossible. And, if nothing else, she didn’t want him finding his mother before the train had left. Which he’d need to if he wanted to be replaced. “You didn’t see her, Violet. You didn’t know how desperate she was. How afraid. How broken. It was like the light in her eyes was going out.”
Violet pictured Caitlyn’s dull eyes as she died. It wasn’t about killing. It was about dominating. Killing was just one of the purest forms of that. That was what the Reaper calling was. It was about control. The angel of death had more control over man than any other angel, and that was her calling. That was why Caitlyn’s death offered so much less. For one, Violet was already stronger than Caitlyn. She was leaving the influence of the city council, and she’d already taken everything from the woman. She had—in every way that mattered—control. Violet had power over Caitlyn, even without killing her. When she’d killed Derek, she had taken control from someone with the power to decide if she’d lived or died. But Caitlyn? Her life was already ruined, and she’d already had no recourse. She’d once had the power to have Violet killed, but not anymore. Her death had barely been a change at all. Perhaps if Violet’s calling was related to justice or revenge, then both would have offered the same growth. But it was about control.
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“Alex. I do understand. I understand how she feels. I know what it means to be left to face the world on my own. To think I am losing you. But I also know you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you made someone else replace you. Not just you, but Chase, too. He’s certainly not staying if you aren’t. Your mom will heal. She’ll grow strong. And the next time a train comes to the academy, you’ll get a letter from her, telling you that she understands, too. She’ll be okay, especially once she knows you made it safely to the academy. She’ll be proud of you. More full of life than ever. She just has to make it through a couple of days,” Violet insisted.
“I know you’re right. I just… I feel like I’m betraying her. I won’t go anywhere. I just… I need to grieve—for a little while. If that’s alright? I just need to let myself grieve,” he answered. Violet sighed again and looked down in clear disappointment. “What is it?” he pressed, reading the expression.
“It’s nothing,” Violet responded. Her voice was short and clipped, with just enough irritation that Alex couldn’t miss it.
“No, I can tell you’re upset. Please, just tell me,” Alex pushed.
“Seriously, it doesn’t matter. You said you needed to grieve, and I don’t want to interrupt that,” Violet insisted. Alex put his hand on hers and shook his head.
“No, I care if something is on your mind. Please, just tell me what’s wrong. Did I say something?”
Violet paused, biting her lip in thought, then let out a breath. “It’s just… when you talk like this. When you talk about how upset you are to be here, and how much you need to grieve… it just feels a little like you’re upset you chose a life with me,” she finally answered. Alex paled.
“No, no, that’s not what I—” he started, but Violet cut him off.
“Am I really so bad? I know this isn’t the life we envisioned, but we are together. This is the first step of our entire future, and the first thing you want to do is grieve? It stings, just a little. That’s all.”
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant, I swear! I just–” again, Violet cut Alex off.
“It’s fine, really. I only said anything because you insisted. I just… I’ll let you grieve. I think… I think I need a little space, anyway,” she dismissed. She stood before he could argue more. She was satisfied with the result of the exchange. She’d ensured he wouldn’t back out at the last second, and she had an excuse to chat with the other students instead of talking to him. She even felt like she’d earned a little clarity from it. She wondered if she should dump him when they made it to the school. She didn’t want to spend as much time with him as she had in Roseville. Or any time, really. And she lacked the energy to constantly explain why.
As she scanned the car for the fox girl, she noticed the small girl in the hoodie. The girl was only a couple of seats behind Alex, and she was glaring directly at Violet. The vitriol in the stranger’s eyes was enough to shock her out of her good mood. It made her itch. The idea that a stranger would feel safe showing her so much hate. Her stomach bubbled at the thought. And without her good mood as a shield, she was left defenseless from her thoughts. She didn’t want to dwell on the last reason she may not have gained much clarity from Caitlyn’s death. The rage she felt at the girl’s glare certainly didn’t help.
Caitlyn had made her angry. The woman had tried to have her killed, then had the audacity to ask for a favor. She had lied and mocked Violet. And Violet had made her pay for it. She’d gotten justice, again. For the attempt to sacrifice her. She’d killed the primary woman responsible for it. And that did feel good. But not as good as it had been with Derek. Part of that was the mild, lingering guilt she felt. Strange as it was, the gratification she got from twisting Alex didn’t stop her from feeling a little bad for him. At least as bad as someone might feel when the roadkill they pass is a housecat with a collar. It was a rotten feeling, but it would pass, and it wouldn’t stop a person from driving again.
The real issue was simple. It had been dangerous. Risky. Loud. It had been just before Violet was planning to leave, and it had been an impulse decision. All this to say, it had been a loss of control. She’d gained some control over Caitlyn, but she hadn’t been in control of herself. Not like she should have been. That couldn’t happen again. She wouldn’t let it. She was all but certain now—that she would keep killing. She wasn’t going to stagnate as a red seven. She was going to keep growing. She was going to be in control.
Violet intended to have enough control over her life that no one would ever dare to take it from her. And the truth of the matter was, the heroes in her story weren’t enough. She liked them. She did. She understood why they were good. And it would be nice to be like them. But in the same way she might want to be a movie star. It wasn’t really realistic, and such people didn’t exist anymore. It was a mild wish, and one she could cycle out for other fantasies. The guilt wasn’t enough either. It was mild, and it numbed fairly quickly in the face of gratification. It wouldn’t, if she let it grow. She could feel that much. She could foster the guilt enough to stop her. But she could also snuff it out, and that was simply too easy to do.
Prism City was a big place. She could find people who deserved it. People like Derek, Stephanie, and Caitlyn. That would be easy enough. At least for a while. And if she couldn’t… well. She knew what she would do if she couldn’t. But she didn’t have to worry about that until Stephanie was dead.
She shook it off. It wasn’t worth bringing her whole day down. She found Kiera, now free from Guy’s advances and quietly reading a book. Violet slid in next to her and looked over her shoulder. Kiera paused and looked up.
“Ooh, Panacea Blue, I love that one!” Violet exclaimed. Kiera’s eyes lit up as she realized she had someone to talk about her book with.
“Oh! I didn’t think anyone else had heard of it! Apocalypse books haven’t been very popular for the last few centuries,” she joked. Violet chuckled.
“I suppose not, but I’ve heard of most books that get included in supply runs. This one is a lot of fun, although the theme strikes me as a bit pessimistic. Some people just are who they are, you know?” Violet asked. Kiera shrugged.
“Maybe you’re right, but I don’t know. I see where it’s coming from,” she replied.
“If you say so,” Violet allowed. She then paused and glanced up at the ears with the crystal fur on her new friend’s head. “I’m sorry, I know this is rude, but I just have to ask. Are those… fox ears?”
PurrincessAtobe
Here are the current goals and rewards, as well as how close we were to each at 10:45 AM on the day this chapter was published.
Click Description to learn more about each!
6k - 15k Bonus Chapter – 3,000 Followers
411 / 3,000
Description
Starting at 3,000 followers, I will write a bonus chapter between 6k - 15k in length every 2k followers. This may be a side character, this may be an AU, or anything else. Who decides? You do! When a milestone is reached, I will ask for suggestions and put up a poll of the most popular ones!
Webtoon Chapter – 6,000 Followers
411 / 6,000
Description
This is also a bonus chapter, but I will have it commissioned as a fully illustrated webtoon!
Spin-Off Novel – 15,000 Followers
411 / 15,000
Description
I will write a novel of at least 120k words focusing on Kiera, one of the prominent side characters. This spin off will remain on Royal Road as long as I am, no matter what.
Visual Novel – 20,000 Followers
411 / 20,000
Description
I will commission art for and develop a full length (and free to play) Cruel Violet visual novel. (This is something I know how to do, ftr.)