There was an armadillo whose name was Paulo. He wasn't fully "Awakened"; in technical terms, he was considered semi-self-aware or an autonomous light. He had thoughts, certainly, but he wasn't aware he was a character in a game world. He was simply an armadillo, and one day, he found a mushroom.

  The stem was tasty, but the cap. so colorful, so vibrant, it made a perfect hat. Paulo wore it with pride as he scuttled about looking for yummy bugs. He eventually found a fallen log hosting a veritable buffet. He was in heaven: a belly full of crawly food and a wonderful hat.

  He was happy until a boar arrived. The beast was massive, sniffing and snorting at the log. Paulo instinctively rolled into a protective ball, but to his horror, his hat fell off. The boar, sniffing the discarded fungus, promptly ATE HIS HAT!

  The monster!

  Paulo unrolled and waddled off sadly. Hatless. What was the point of life without a hat?

  As he sulked, he found something new: a bright orange fruit rind. It was magnificent. He placed the orange rind on his head and strutted happily through the brush. He felt like royalty until a high wind spooked him. He curled into a ball, the hat tumbled off, and the wind whisked it away into the sky. When he unrolled, he searched everywhere, but his glory was gone. Hat meant happiness. No hat meant despair.

  He was sulking, hatless and hopeless, when a miracle happened. He found something shiny and silver. It was not edible, and it was too heavy for the wind to steal. He touched the coin with a tiny claw.

  Amulet of Damnation’s Rising

  When touched by 666 souls, a portal bringing forth damnation to the world will open.

  Why so many people would want to bring about the destruction of the world, who knows.

  Current soul touch count: 1/666

  Paulo looked at the shiny object and thought, That’s silly. It’s obviously a hat.

  As he thought it, the words on the hovering system prompt distorted and shifted to accommodate his reality:

  Armadillo Hat

  Please return to its owner if found.

  Paulo smiled his little 'dillo smile. This was perfect; now, if the hat were lost, it would be returned to him. He’d never be hatless for long. Nice people would bring it back.

  He placed the shiny new silver hat on his head and went to find lunch. Eventually, a rat spooked him and he rolled into a ball. The hat fell off, and though he couldn't find it in the tall grass, a passing player spotted it and brought it to him. The player received something called "XP," and Paulo got his hat back. It was a perfect system.

  A notification pinged in the void:

  Current Soul Touch Count: 2/666

  Paulo dismissed it. In his mind, it was simply a counter of how many friends had helped find his hat.

  Several weeks later...

  Current Soul Touch Count: 639/666

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  ---

  Noob’s Noms: Early Morning

  Noobkitty was in her kitchen. It was a lovely morning, and she had decided to invent a new pastry. The armadillo in the forest who kept losing his hat had become a viral meme among the player base, making it the perfect time for a themed treat.

  A small rat named Nibs sprinkled flour onto the table, spreading it evenly for her.

  "Thanks, Nibs," she said, patting the little rodent.

  Her cooking speed had been nerfed after the battle with Ender. Specifically, her general Cooking skill had been fractured into specialized sub-skills: Dessert Cooking, Vegan Cooking, Savory Cooking, Ingredient Alchemy, Mixology, Tea Snobbery, and several others.

  Her Fusion Enchantment skill was still maxed out, but she was no longer Level 1. Quests and achievements had forced XP on her, and since finding duplicates of equipment was now rarer, she tended to level out of her gear quickly. She was currently Level 22, and her growth had stalled. Crafters leveled by crafting, but she had to keep expanding her repertoire, and frankly, she was happy just cooking for now. She was, however, considering Jewelry Making; she had a specific set of rings she wanted to forge for ExpertBunny.

  Shaking herself out of her musings, she rolled out the dough and cut it into triangles. She placed a dollop of raspberry jam in the center of each and carefully rolled the dough into a bulbous crescent shape. One end she pulled long to form a snout; on the other, she tucked a raisin for an eye. With a bit of cinnamon and oil, she colored the folds of the "shell" to add depth.

  Once two dozen were prepped, with Nibs taking the honor of placing the raisin eyes, she slid them into the oven. While they baked, she poured hot, silver-flecked sugar into a hand carved mold shaped like a tiny sun disc. When it cooled, it created perfect candy replicas of Paulo’s hat.

  ExpertBunny walked downstairs, her ears droopy as she flicked through administrative menus. "Coffee..." she croaked.

  "We don't have much left, not until the..." Noobkitty was interrupted by a sharp scowl.

  Coffee, like chocolate, came from parts of Coro?en that no longer existed. They were rare luxuries now, though a tree in GYOAT’s orchard was expected to be ready for harvest in a few weeks. ExpertBunny tapped her screen, bypassed a few restricted protocols, and closed the menu.

  "The coffee canister is now full. Make it extra strong, please."

  Noobkitty shook her head. "That's cheating, my love."

  "Tell it to the Admin," ExpertBunny said, resting her head on the counter. "It’s unfair that you don't get tired. Why am I coded to be biologically normal? I should program you to be more like a normal cat beastkin."

  Noobkitty flashed her sharp feline teeth in a grin. "Do that, dear, and I'll be sure to eat you slowly."

  "Promise?" ExpertBunny muttered, her ears perking up just a fraction.

  Nibs the rat shook his head and started to scoop coffee grounds into a percolator, but Noobkitty stopped him. "I need to do it, Nibs. Otherwise, the system enchantment won't take effect, and it looks like she needs the boost."

  She turned back to her fiancée. "Why are you so tired?"

  "Because I didn't have a cat in my bed, that's why. What were you doing all night?"

  "Oh. Sorry. I was..."

  "Baking. Right. Well, at least the store will be stocked and Skidmark will be well rested," ExpertBunny grumbled. "You and these all night skill grinds. I need to set rules. If you don't spend half the night with me, I’m turning off your XP gain for a week."

  Noobkitty laughed. "Yes, Great and Powerful Admin."

  The coffee brewed, sending little bubbles up into the glass topper of the percolator. Noobkitty poured a cup and placed two sugar hats on the saucer. ExpertBunny sipped it, then dropped one of the sugar discs into the steaming liquid, letting the candy dictate when the drink was sweet and cool enough to consume.

  Noobkitty pulled the armadillo-shaped croissants from the oven. She placed a sugar hat on each one’s head and read the system pop-up:

  Edible Paulo

  Lv. 22

  Eaten with the hat: Grants a 40% Charisma boost for being "Spiffy" for six hours. Instantly cleans any clothes the consumer is wearing.

  Eaten without the hat: Grants a 40% Defense boost for six hours but gives minor amnesia regarding where you last placed your headwear.

  Noobkitty looked at the prompt, then looked up at the ceiling. "Is the armadillo’s name actually Paulo?"

  "Yes," the world’s voice echoed softly.

  "Why isn't his name on the quest he gives, then? He can't talk, so how are people supposed to know?"

  "I didn't think about it at the time," Coro?en admitted. "He could probably write it in the dirt, like your rat friend does."

  She looked at Nibs, who was currently covered in raspberry jelly after helping himself to the leftover filling. The enchantments on his tiny apron activated, and the jam slid off him like water off a duck's back.

  Noobkitty slid a pastry to her fiancée, who bit the "head" off, sugar coin and all. ExpertBunny’s nightgown glowed briefly, becoming spotless, and her grumpiness shifted toward a more charming glow.

  ExpertBunny stared at the red filling ozzing from the pastries neck. "Has anyone ever told you that you’re a bit disturbing for a herbivore?" ExpertBunny asked.

  "I’m a vegan," Noobkitty corrected.

  "Tomato, potato. You still eat plants," teased ExpertBunny as she wiped a smudge of jelly from her lip and took another sip of coffee. The flavors of the spiced dough and the silver-flecked sugar melded perfectly.

  Noobkitty wondered if her fiancée needed a bigger charisma boost after a restless night, but she knew the coffee’s primary enchantment didn't hit until the bottom of the cup.

  ExpertBunny would be her normal self soon enough, just never before her coffee.