The villagers very nicely put us up at the inn for free. About half of the villagers were still ill from the water… but the ones that were recovered were very accommodating. They honestly couldn’t have been more pleasant to us. Even though I am getting used to people knowing what I am, I still find it odd that people can be so pleasant to a goblin and a lizardman.

  I know I should have moved on from this by now… it has been years since my identity was revealed and the whole alliance with Fort Bracken thing. Civilised goblins are relatively well known in the area… although I am still the only Grim… and Damecus and Nomius have become quite famous… Damecus especially, what with his botanical garden becoming such a popular attraction.

  I say that… Nomius is popular enough in his own right… what with that survival training thing he does for the kids… so yeah… it shouldn’t weird me out that people are being nice to us… but it still does.

  The tables in this pub aren’t really designed for large groups, so we are currently split. Phoenix, Dietrich, Farrow, and Damecus are sat at a separate table to the rest of us. Svampe looks unnerved. First time he’s been in a tavern since the whole… transformation thing… so the nerves are understandable.

  Fortunately, having been largely responsible for the removal of the poison from the water and the possible healing of the village elder has made people look on him with awe rather than fear. Not sure that is helping though… at least when people are scared of you, they generally try to avoid looking at you too obviously. When you have an element of celebrity, people just openly stare.

  Barmaid: “So lads, what will it be?”

  I was so lost in thought that I hadn’t even thought about what to order.

  Barmaid: “And don’t worry about the cost. We’d all be dead if it wasn’t for you…”

  She stroked Svampe’s cheek and smiled at him.

  Barmaid: “…so it’s on us, okay.”

  Svampe nodded nervously, but didn’t speak. Which I very much understand. Talking to attractive women can be… difficult… especially when they are being so nice to you… stroking his face probably tipped his nerves over the edge.

  And this barmaid is certainly an attractive woman… her skin looks wonderfully soft and smooth… which is rare outside of the city… she has incredibly delicate bone structure… I’m pretty sure her bodice is at least two sizes too small… probably a technique to get men to order more drinks… her breasts look like they are only just being contained. Fuck… now I’m getting distracted… umm… food… what to order?

  Kiyui: “Hi, can I have the brisket please?”

  Agaroth: “Good choice, like it, I’ll have the mixed roast.”

  Dwynfel: “Umm… I’m not sure…”

  Svampe stayed silent… eyes flickering nervously.

  Agaroth: “Fuck’s sake, the lad’ll have the mixed roast as well, and limey over here will have a cheeseburger.”

  The barmaid swept off to give our order to the kitchen.

  Dwynfel: “You know… I would have made my own decision… I just needed a bit more time.”

  Agaroth: “Oh, calm your tits, you always order the same damn thing anyway.”

  Dwynfel: “I do not.”

  Kiyui: “You do when there’s a cheese burger on the menu.”

  Agaroth: “Anyway, when the wench returns, give the lad a chance to chat her up.”

  Svampe looked at Agaroth with a look of horror.

  Dwynfel: “What?”

  Agaroth: “Ah, come on, all that face strokin’ an’ shit… she’s clearly sweet on the lad.”

  Svampe: “Umm… I don’t think that’s a good…”

  Agaroth: “Don’t be so nervous kid, you’ve gotta get yourself out there. If ya don’t, you’ll just be spending ya life alone wi’ your cock in your hand.”

  Svampe: “I do not do such things, it is unbecoming of royalty.”

  Agaroth: “Fuckin’ what?”

  It kills me to say this… but I’m with Agaroth on that one… he’s seventeen… even now, with all the crazy wild sex that I have with Kiyui, I still feel the need to masturbate on occasion. I mean… not masturbating during puberty… fuck… I think I would have exploded.

  Svampe: “Royalty does not do such things…”

  Agaroth: “What? You must have some mighty fuckin’ frequent wet dreams. So, you’ve never experienced...”

  Svampe: “I didn’t say that I have never experienced the sensation. I was royalty. That was what my bedwarmer was for.”

  Agaroth: “Fuckin’ what?”

  Svampe: “If I ever suffered from… engorgement… he would relieve it for me. He was adequately compensated.”

  Agaroth: “Fuckin’ hell… too posh tae fuckin’ wank yourself off. How the other half live, eh. Well, ya not royalty anymore. Kingdom’s gone, so ya may as well have a wee wank tae pass the time.”

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

  Dwynfel: “Drinks! We didn’t order drinks! Agaroth, the bar… now!”

  Agaroth: “Fuck, ya right! Cannae have a meal wi’ oot booze!”

  Agaroth rushed to the bar and I followed him, rolling my eyes.

  Dwynfel: “Agaroth… would you please try to be a bit more sensitive.”

  Agaroth: “What?”

  Dwynfel: “Talking about how his kingdom’s gone. He’s only just starting to move forwards… don’t start bringing him down with those memories.”

  Agaroth: “Look, sometimes ya need tae be blunt wi’ people. He’s no royalty anymore, he does nae have staff or shite like that. He needs tae adapt. And if a blunt word here and there is the push he needs, then fuck it, a blunt word is what I’m gonnae give him.”

  Dwynfel: “Fuck’s sake… look… you just order the drinks and hopefully by the time you get back, the conversation will have moved on.”

  Agaroth: “Aye, whatever.”

  I left Agaroth at the bar. The barmaid was bent over in order to get something from one of the lower cupboards… so Agaroth was perfectly happy to wait. It would seem that Kiyui had continued the conversation in our absence.

  Kiyui: “So, you want to know how to interact with girls?”

  Svampe nodded nervously.

  Kiyui: “Did you have much experience with girls from before you left the Uddin Empire?”

  Svampe: “I had a fiancé; we were due to be married soon after my thirteenth birthday. She was a lovely girl. Absolutely beautiful. But the truth is, I barely knew her. I’d shared a few meals with her and her family. Our interactions at those meetings were led by family members and… back then… I didn’t look like… this.”

  Kiyui: “You don’t need to worry about looks, Svampe. You have a few scars, that isn’t so bad. You are a strong, muscular and, if I may say so, a rather handsome man. People will look past the tendrils. And if anything, they open up the door to some rather wild sexual positions.”

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui!”

  Kiyui: “What?”

  Fuck’s sake. Talking like that is just going to make him more nervous.

  Svampe: “I don’t think I need to worry about positions at this point… I can’t even talk to them… when I try, I just get all nervous and it’s like my mouth just doesn’t work properly… like it’s full of sawdust or something.”

  Kiyui: “Oh, honey. That’s just a confidence thing. The more you talk to them, the better you’ll get at it.”

  Svampe: “Really?”

  I disagree with that. I’ve talked to many an attractive woman over the years… and I still get terrified when there is even a hint of flirtation in their voices.

  Kiyui: “Really. You just need a confidence boost. Incidentally, what Agaroth said before was actually a good idea. I do recommend you start masturbating. Otherwise, when somebody finally does touch you in that way, you’ll only last about three seconds.”

  For fuck’s sake. We are in the middle of a tavern. He should not bring up this stuff so casually.

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui, this is really not the place for this discussion.”

  Kiyui: “It’s as good as any other. I’m not suggesting he does it right now. Just that he gets used to the sensation. Speaking of which, if you would like, I can hook you up with some of my prostitute friends. I’m sure they’d be a great help in teaching you a few things, helping you last longer and…

  Dwynfel: “Changed which drink I want! Kiyui, come help me at the bar!”

  Kiyui: “Umm… okay.”

  Svampe: “Do you need my help?”

  Dwynfel: “No… no… you wait here.”

  Kiyui followed me to the bar and we stood next to Agaroth.

  Agaroth: “Thought you lot were waitin’ at the table.”

  Dwynfel: “Needed a word with Kiyui.”

  Kiyui: “What’s wrong.”

  Dwynfel: “Prostitutes are not the answer here.”

  Kiyui: “I didn’t say that they were. But they could help build his confidence. He’s too scared of attractive women to even talk to them. This way, he gets a bit desensitised to them and he can talk to them without immediately panicking.”

  Why is prostitution and sex always his answer to everything?

  Dwynfel: “It is social confidence that he is lacking. He’s only just started to venture into the outside world. His confidence will build in time without the aid of prostitutes.”

  Agaroth: “Hey, don’t knock the prozzies. Those girls are great. They’ll make him feel wanted in no time. It’s their job.”

  These two are insane… genuinely insane.

  Dwynfel: “He’s not stupid… he’ll know that they are doing it because it is their job… not because of genuine interest in him.”

  Kiyui: “I was genuinely interested in many of my clients. Some of them were really nice. A bit socially inept, sure, but still…”

  Dwynfel: “Not all prostitutes are you, Kiyui.”

  Kiyui: “Look, I just think that some experience would help relieve some of the pressure and make him a bit less nervous.”

  Dwynfel: “Look… let’s just get him more integrated into society in general before we start resorting to prostitutes, please.”

  Agaroth:” The lad may be alright on his own… look.”

  We looked over to see one of the local girls sat at our table. She had long blonde pigtails and a big bright smile on her face. She was smiling and giggling as she spoke to Svampe. Svampe looked terrified… but he was at least managing to get some words out.

  Agaroth: “Ya see, swoop intae a village an’ save it from certain destruction… makes ya popular enough tae not need social skills. The lad’ll be fine.”