Me and Alex decided to circle back to where we found the bandits.

  Our plan was simple.

  we'd use Alex as the bait.

  *20 MINUTES AGO*

  "We are not fucking using me as the bait!" Alex was holding me up to his face as I calmly licked it.

  "Listen, for the plan to work I have to stay back and position myself." His face was salty.

  "STUPID DOG I TOLD YOU NO!" He grabbed me slightly harder. I could feel the sides of my little body slowly cramping together.

  "HEY, EASY! OR YOU WON'T HAVE A STUPID DOG TO PROFIT OFF OF, IDIOT!" I felt my fur fighting back as he squeezed me.

  "Pop."

  "LEVEL UP

  LEVEL 2

  SKILL ACQUIRED:

  ZOOMIES

  PASSIVE SKILL ACQUIRED:

  Hedgehog Defense

  Passive Skill Activated"

  "Ouch!" I felt my hair getting harder as the pressure of Alex's hand gripped against my body. It seemed like my fur had grown harder. "What the hell was that?!"

  Honestly, I wish I could answer that question myself.

  "Uhhh, I don't know. It seems like my body just responded to your abuse."

  That sentence shouldn't sound so casual.

  "I'm not abusing you." Alex took a seat and looked around. He grabbed a rock and threw it into the river. It sank. It didn't even make a splash or skip. "You really should train more."

  I sit next to him and get slightly closer. His warmth is nice.

  Oh god, he can't know I enjoy his warmth. I take one step away from him.

  But… the warmth…

  I take a step back closer.

  I'm sure he won't notice.

  He cracked a slight smile.

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  He noticed.

  "Alright, I'll be the bait." He put his hand on my head.

  "What's the plan?" My tail started wagging. I jumped and got excited. I had to lick his face.

  "Alright. you make noise, make sure to create a clear path towards me, and once they see you, run. I'll be set up behind you to wrap some vines around their legs and make them trip. Then freeze their feet and hands. You make sure to knock them out right after." Alex stood up, grabbed his broken sword, and twisted his body, cracking his back.

  "Alright, I'm trusting you." He looked down at me. "If I die, you won't have anyone to cook for you. Remember that."

  I hadn't realized the stakes of this mission.

  "They'll fear the day they decided to mess with you."

  I look at him, my expression that of a soldier, a weapon of mass destruction. The atomic bomb has nothing on me.

  "Uhhh… you… you ok?" What did he mean by that?

  "I'm being serious, what do you mean?" I ask him, my face unmoved, unbothered. I have never been this focused.

  "Your eyes… they are… uhhh… they are…" He held his hand against his mouth and started breathing heavier. Or so I thought.

  He's… laughing?!

  "HEY, ASSHOLE! I'M BEING SERIOUS HERE!" He falls to the ground, laughing.

  I jump on him and get close to his face.

  "STOP LAUGHING!"

  He didn't stop. "Your eyes," he tried to say between bursts. "They were looking in different directions as you stared into the sunset. BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

  Oh… I… I mean… I guess that's funny…

  I jump off his chest and slowly walk away. My body has betrayed me once again.

  I must go take a shit in order to think about this.

  *THE PRESENT*

  "It really wasn't that funny," I whisper to Alex as he holds his hands over his mouth.

  "Shut up, asshole. they'll hear us." I am never being serious around him again.

  I WANNA BITE HIM.

  "There, I see them." Alex whispers as he grabs my head and points me toward the bandits.

  "Alright, you know the plan, right?" Did this asshole just forcefully move my head?

  "Yes, grab their attention, stick to the main road, run for you, profit." I mean, he's not wrong.

  "Yup. Just make sure they don't catch up to you." Alex stood up and made his way toward the bandits. He left the bushes and took to the main road as I backed away.

  I made sure to keep some distance, not too far, far enough that I could still hear them.

  "Hey dickheads! Want some of what I gave your friend?!"

  "Hey, who goes there?!"

  "The guy you just tried to rob a couple of hours ago. Try me now, or what? Too chicken shit?"

  He's really testing the waters, isn't he.

  "Sir, please, we aren't looking for trouble. Just tell us what you want."

  Perfect, the plan is wor...

  HUH?!

  "Skill activated

  Zoomies"

  I start walking slowly back toward their location.

  I come out of the bushes and Alex turns around, his eyes wide open, almost teary, his boogers running as his head twitches.

  "Listen, you already killed one of us. Just take his stuff and let us go. Please." Both bandits are holding their gear, standing next to who I believed was their friend taking a nap.

  I mean, I guess it is a nap…

  Alex keeps looking at me. I don't think he knows what's happening. Honestly, this was unexpected.

  I get closer to Alex as he turns back around.

  "Bahaha, of course! It's great to see that you have come to your senses, evil doers."

  What in the fuck is he saying? And what's with that smile, and his hands on his waist?

  "Tell every villain and every bad hombre..."

  Bad hombre?! THE FUCK.

  "—that as long as Alex the Great, The Hero of Picori Village, travels the 10 realms, evil will find no rest!"

  He started laughing, forcing his smile and puffing his chest.

  "Yeah man, whatever. Can we go?"

  He grabs his satchel and looks around, searching for something.

  "Inventory:

  2 copper coins

  Wet nuts

  Wet non-magical-magical-normal stick < Select"

  Oh god.

  "Disrespect me again and suffer the consequences!" He grabs the stick and points it at the bandits.

  That won't do shit, my man.

  I turn my head slightly toward the bandits.

  WHY ARE THEY ON THEIR KNEES?

  "No, please, my lord! We'll let everyone in the realm know of your great deeds. please spare us!"

  THIS IDIOT IS SO FUCKING LUCKY.

  "Leave, and leave all your stolen coins with us, or else!" He swooshes the stick around as if it would do something, water spraying off it as he waves it through the air.

  It worked.

  They threw whatever coin they had next to the body of their friend and were quick to run after.

  Alex looked down at me as he dropped the stick.

  I… I smell something…

  "Did you just piss yourself?" I look at him as he drops to his knees.

  "No…" he slowly responds.

  He pissed himself.

  "Well…" Honestly, that's a valid response. I get closer to him.

  "There's the armor… and some coins…" Alex sits on the ground. I take a seat next to him.

  "Is that guy really dead?" He pulls his legs up, holding them with both hands, his head dropping between them.

  "I guess… I didn't expect my cold breath to do that…" Honestly, I'm just as shocked.

  "I can't take his armor." He twists his head slightly to the right, looking at me as he opens one eye, tears rolling down his face.

  "I know."