Egbert watched in a mix of fascination and horror as Thrognar sifted through a coin purse filled with an inexplicable mix of coins and random baubles. Dear gods, the orc has something like two silver, a handful of copper, and what looks like a few gold and diamond rings and a glorious toy horse made of...is that platinum?

  Who is this creature? Ebert finally identified the hulking but surprisingly polite Orcish warrior to see just what kind of monster had approached his doors. [Thrognar Englewood Tier-1](lvl24) [Patient Barbarian]. Okay, that just brings up so many more questions. First, why does an orc have a human noble family last name? Second, what in all the nine hells of tax fraud is a patient barbarian? Finally and almost most concerningly, he's on the cusp of just his first trial to get to level twenty-five, and he's already that strong?

  Thrognar slotted a copper coin into the door and looked at it expectantly. There was a long pause, and Thrognar carefully slotted another copper coin into the door before whispering to it conspiratorially, “I hope you open soon; I don’t have many coins left. Would feel bad to break.” Egbert just called two copper a win and quickly changed the doors to be cheaper; there was no point in having to rebuy them if he didn’t have to.

  Thrognar carefully walked to the next door; he pulled out two silver ones this time and slotted them in with a smile. Wait…why did he just pay more than the door cost?

  [Copper 2][ Silver 2]

  Thrognar muscled through the open doorway into the newly refurbished agility room with a look of wonder on his face. The loot bugs stopped dashing around for just long enough to perch in sight of him and all hum angrily in his direction. Thrognar’s eyes went wide. “Loot Bugs! I’ve heard stories about you!” His excited shout was so loud. Egbert was pretty sure if Jeb was fishing, he heard it down at the lake.

  Thrognar pulled a small jar from his side and started chugging along after the lightning-fast creatures. Twitch in particular seemed to be toying with him, dashing almost in range before zipping away through cover again. The next time Twitch did it, Thrognar skipped the part about going around the loot bug pillars and just shoulder-checked through the thing in a shower of rubble. He may have been ungodly strong and apparently durable, but thankfully for Twitch, he wasn’t much faster than most low-level people.

  Thrognar was huffing and puffing near the center of the loot bug playground, with a handful of shattered obstacles around him. He gestured at Twitch, almost comically waving a small jar in its direction. “Dis… huff… huff… would be lot better… huff. If You just wanted field trip...I supposed to catch you to win...I think.” Huh, I almost feel bad for ya big guy; these speed demons are not a good test for your particular skillset.

  Thrognar finished panting, looking around to possibly find another, preferably slower, bug to catch. Instead he locked his eyes with the simmering orb of unrequited thirst for combat that was Buyer's Remorse peeking from his still tied-up bundle in the corner. Ahh, hell, it appears your time is truly over now. Do not fear; I will buy a much better version of you next time.

  Thrognar froze, his face spread into a fanged grin, knuckles white on the handle of his axe he gripped it so tight. “MIMIC! MIMIC!” Thrognar activated a skill for the first time; it was some kind of awful momentum-building charge. He stomped through the loot bug playground like a rolling boulder, carving the straightest path he could to the mimic, picking up speed with every thudding step. What on earth...well, I think he might have just gotten one of the loot bugs on accident...there was a suspiciously still golden shimmer among the rubble Thrognar left behind.

  Thrognar didn’t magically stop; he careened past The Mimic, just using the fucking wall to arrest his momentum. It was like someone had shot a cannonball into the wall of Egbert’s living room; spiderwebs cracked up the wall, and everything shook just enough to waft dust from every corner Egbert had ignored. Thrognar was absolutely fine other than rubbing his shoulder a bit.

  My god, man. Just go use the haste shrine, catch a bug or two, and get mercilessly beaten down by the loot pit like everyone else! Stop being weird; you are giving me anxiety!

  Thrognar loomed over the mimic for a moment before grabbing it by both sides of the door and lifting it to eye level. Of course, Remorse just tried to chew on his hands; to Egbert’s surprise, it didn’t do much. Thrognar flinched some, setting him back down leaned against the wall, but it didn’t manage to draw blood.

  “Sorry, Mr. Mimic. But you are too scrawny, Thrognar, tough meat. Much too scrawy, are mages not feeding you?” He asked with what seemed to be genuine concern.

  Egbert suddenly felt unreasonably guilty. Hey now, he's a dungeon construct; he doesn’t need to be fed! I think…he does look kind of scrawny now that the big guy mentioned something. Egbert resolved to let him eat at least one adventurer every few weeks if he survived this encounter, which was looking more likely by the second.

  The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

  Thrognar nodded thoughtfully and then cut the ropes off of Remorse with his axe, giving it a fond pat on the top of its frame. “Go play now! I need to beat stupid fast angry bugs.” Thrognar walked back to the cluster of loot bugs. Buyer's remorse desperately tried to waddle hungrily after him but jammed itself slightly diagonally between two pillars, its scraggly arms waved impotently after the orc.

  Egbert watched in a mix of mounting amusement and mild annoyance as Thrognar solidly did not beat the bugs; he managed to lay waste to a good chunk of the playground in his attempts, but even Bubba was able to evade his somewhat predictable grabs and tackles. After one particularly rough shoulder check through a pillar and face-first into the slanted ceiling, Thrognar stopped holding his nose with a displeased look on his face.

  “Maybe is like extra credit; I go beat actual test.” He grumbled a bit as he walked into the loot pit room. Ha HA, new improved agility room one! Strength min-maxer zero! He did give it a valiant try, though...and caused an annoying amount of damage...There has to be some kind of item that resets my rooms; it probably costs as much as a gilded statue of my... Egberts's thought was derailed by the scene playing out.

  Thrognar had walked near the pit and immediately been accosted by the panhandling ghost. It wandered towards him, shaking its cup, “Alms, alms for the poor.”

  Thrognar gave the old ghost a stern look, adjusting his grip on his axe. “Okay,” he said amicably and began fishing around in his coin purse. Wait, what? I didn’t think anyone would actually do that.

  Thrognar pulled out a silver and a copper, throwing them straight over the pit to the far wall. “Go fetch, Mr. Ghost. Thrognar has no magic attacks.” The ghost's eyes went wide at the flying loot, and he began slowly shuffling away towards the coins. Holy hell, I think he just figured out a cheat for dealing with Mr. Stealy. His knowledge of dungeon creatures is surprisingly comprehensive, considering well...everything else about him. Wonder the how and why of him knowing all this.

  Thrognar gave a big pleased toothy smile and peered down into the pit. Ka- Chunk, the first claw fired at him. Thrognar side-stepped, raising his axe high. When the claw began reeling back in, he brought it down on the rope tethering the claw to the turret so hard he sheared through the rope and into the stone a good few hands' breadths. “Ha ha, Thrognar has defeated…” Ka- Chunk, the next claw caught him dead on mid-celebration with his axe still stuck into the stone floor.

  Thrognar gave a slightly strangled war cry as he was dragged down the oily stairs, one inglorious thump after another. Oh well, another falls to the pit, I see. Thrognar did something Egbert wasn't expecting, though. It was the far side claw that had caught him, so as he was being dragged by his waist across the bottom of the pit, he caught hold of the other man grabber set right next to the chest.

  Thrognar dug both hands into the metallic base of the man grabber and pulled; the rope dragging him snapped taut as it warred with his strength. He kept on pulling; the man grabber started smoking and then making unhealthy clicking sounds before finally just giving up as something inside it broke with a metallic twang. Did, did he just break BOTH of my man grabbers instead of paying?

  Thrognar carefully pulled himself to his feet on the oily floor of the pit with a groan and pried the claws from around his waist. “That was stupid. Time to announce victory.” He grumbled, obviously disappointed in himself. He walked over to the very obvious chest just a stride away. “It’s like dungeon treasure!” He looked like he was thinking so hard for a moment that steam might come out of his ears.

  Ahh, crap. Please don’t be so obsessed with different dungeon trivia that you actually figure it out before the damned fishpeople do.

  Thrognar shook his head slowly for a moment. “No is silly; from mages, if it dungeon and I win, I would complete my trial and be level twenty-five!” Egbert froze. Oh hells, I'm cooked.

  Thrognar picked up the blink chest with a heavy grunt. “Gods is not loot, is cursed object!” He waddled forward with it hefted up to his waist, his green face turning decidedly red with each step. Ha, at least it's heavy even for that monster! He made it a single heaving step up onto the slick stairs before his foot went out from under him. He face-planted so hard the bottom step cracked, and Thrognar lay still for a disconcertingly long time.

  Oh...oh gods. I killed him, didn’t I? That gentle-souled creature wrapped in the flesh of a property damage machine. Damn… He was one of my top ten delvers so far..

  Thrognar erupted to his feet in a shower of oil mana flowing around him in a red maelstrom of rage as he stomped back to the chest where it had returned to the anchor and grabbed it with both hands dug into the frame. He began to spin; the chest slowly raised into the air with his whirling momentum like the world’s deadliest log toss. “RRRRAAAAGGGHHHHH,” he released the chest. It didn’t quite clear the pit edge, but its sheer momentum bounced it up to the ledge right below the key.

  Aaaannndd there's the barbarian part of it, sigh...of course he has a rage skill. Thrognar didn’t climb; he decided to skip most of the part where he would have to deal with the oil’s traction by leaping in two massive bounding jumps, nearly sliding off both times. But he made it to the edge, hauling it up right next to the key embedded in the boulder. There was a monumental pause; Egbert had lost count of how long he had until it teleported back.

  Thrognar lifted the chest above his head and slammed it towards the key. His empty hands hit the runic key; the chest had teleported back to the bottom of the pit. The mana swirling around him darkened as he looked from the boulder back to the bottom of the pit a few times. Ahh yeah, maybe it would have been better for all parties if that had just been a win for him.

  Thrognar went up to the boulder, staring daggers at the key embedded into it, and then a wide, toothy smile crept across his face. Nope, I don’t like that anytime someone is happy in here, it’s bad for me! ”Hu, Hu Mages Not Plan For Orc.” You aren’t wrong. I did not think to wrathful-toddler-proof my dungeon. What's your point, Thrognar?

  He stepped far, far too calmly behind the boulder, the red maelstrom of rage still dripping from him in waves. Oh shit. He wrenched his axe from the ground with one hand and jammed the haft under the boulder, leveraging his shoulder under it like a massive crowbar. He trembled as he slowly stood up, the boulder shifting up inch by inch. Don’t you dare! I don’t know how I would get that out of the pit!

  Thrognar very much dared; he finished pushing with an orcish bellow, and the boulder slowly tipped over the edge and crashed downwards, cracking steps and splashing oil with each room-shaking bounce. He slowly walked down the stairs after it; the boulder came to a rest an arm's length from the chest. He picked up the chest and scooted it to the key; with a resounding "ca-click," it popped open. “Sometimes, Simple best!” Thrognar proudly proclaimed. If Egbert had an eye that could twitch in a mix of frustration and sheer dumbfounded surprise, it would be twitching up a storm right now.

  Egbert and Thrognar froze as a malicious humming rose from inside the chest. Thrognar cautiously set it down and looked inside in concern. “There Something wrong with my loot, looks angry.” The shadows in the cavern deepened as the dungeon boss made an appearance from inside the chest.