Rebecca Pov

  It was a couple of hours after I had given birth, Levi had gone out to get some emergency bits, (thank fuck for the local corner shops), and then came back, I had a cuppa in my hand, (this is important for context later here), and even though it wasn't as chaotic as it had been, I felt like I was going to get emotional whiplash.

  Levi must've copped that something was off with me, (well other than spontaneously giving birth), because he was hovering, (maybe hovering's not quite right but I don't know how else to describe it), and he's not a natural hoverer, but he wasn't wrong to hover as all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out, (and I wasn't crying because I didn't want to burden Levi with all this shit, yes I now know that was unhealthy for me to do, but most of my childhood was unfortunately with Rita, so fucking sue me Susan).

  "Li what if I'm just as bad as my mother or even worse than her?"

  "Why do you think that you would be?"

  "Parenting hasn't exactly been cracked by her children yet because of how she raised us"

  "Yeah but you have the advantage of having Leo and Granbob"

  "That can only help me out so much"

  This was the point where Levi copped that I was about to have a breakdown/meltdown and there was not a lot that either of us could have done to stop that from happening, I hadn't copped that he had copped it, (I don't know why as that man has weirdly good sense about things in general), though due to me being autistic, it took me a few years to cop that he copped on at this point to be honest with you.

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  "Baby what is this actually about?"

  "I think it would break me if I hurt him the colour of she hurt me, like I would rather die, even if that means taking me out right now"

  "I don't think that we will that drastic of a measure Babe"

  "Why do you say that?"

  "You mean other than the fact that it involves you dying?"

  "Yeah sure"

  Yeah post partum hormones are wild, I did cry a lot after Jordan was born, (and maybe that's not entirely to do with post partum hormones, Autism might have a little bit to do with that whole ordeal), and Levi was a rock though out all of that, (and I feel really bad about being this much of a mess).

  "You're worried about how good of a parent you'll be-"

  "What does that have to do with anything?"

  "Did Rita ever worry that she was hurt you?"

  "Oh, no, no she didn't, she still thinks that I'm being dramatic about the fact that she kicked me out, as she showed when she tried to 'unkick me out', yeah I can kind of see your point, but I don't think that this feeling is going away any time soon"

  "I know Babe"

  Levi then went and made us both a cuppa, (yes I drink a lot of tea, no the amount of caffeine isn't why I can't sleep, I was diagnosed with insomnia before I started drinking tea), Jordan was still asleep in my arms but I felt really bad that he wasn't in like a proper crib yet, (which was slightly weird because I didn't know, but it also made sense).

  "I'll leave it on the coffee table"

  "Thank you"

  I was weirdly quiet, like even for me, as I hadn't been this quiet since I first moved to Manchester, (and that was because I had been living with Rita, and she was probably Autistic, (like a proper arsehole of an Autistic person, but still Autistic), but she was never going to get help for it, and that affected how she raised us all to be honest), which was probably really weird for Levi as I wasn't naturally quiet anymore.

  It was maybe 10/15 minutes later, (though please don't quote me, I'm shit with time passage at the best of times), and I hadn't touched my tea yet as I was holding Jordan and I was also kind of out of it to be honest with you here, and I think Levi saw that to be honest with you here.

  "Babe, I'll take him, you have your tea"

  "Ok"

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  Yeah this was when I realised that Levi had copped my shit, no it shouldn't have taken me that long but I didn't have my full brain power that day.

  "I'll cry if we do, and I've already cried all over you this morning Li"

  "I didn't realise there was a rota for emotional distress"

  "There's only so much crying that most people can take"

  "I'm not most people, I'm your husband, and if it does get to my limit, I'll get you help if that's what you need"