With a loud, moaning hiss and a pop, the ship doors opened, letting in a gust of flavored wind. Flavored with all kinds of meaty scents.

  Girry took a long, deep breath, savoring the smells until an odd odor weaseled its way into his lungs. His expression went from bliss to disgust in exactly three and one-tenth of a second. So, with his nose scrunched up, he took a moment to look around the area, and just as he was about to give up, he saw it.

  Somehow, with the precision of a Drungle Drone, he landed on the only excrement in the entire area. He looked. Some would consider it good luck. Girry, however, was not one of them.

  After a long moment of cleaning, cursing, and shouting at the nearby animals, he grabbed his stuff and took a walk—

  Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about Spiffy, Girry, and the roasted feathered lizard?”

  And to that, I would say, “Well, I don’t know. They’re still drinking, the meat is still cooking, and, to be honest, I don’t quite feel like narrating two men singing love songs.”

  Mind you, I did check on them. They were halfway through a song called “I Shot Your Mother So That I Could Be With You.” Believe it or not, that song is number one in the universe. Anyway, by the time this story is done, so too shall the meat. In the meantime, I’ll continue this little flashback.

  Girry, who had just grabbed his things, went for a walk to explore the area. A semi-dangerous planet made entirely of meat, and possibly bone, blood, sinew, and a few oversized antibodies, probably. Made him feel right at home, and it didn’t take too long for Girry’s gaze to be drawn to the nearby forest. It was due to the odd movements, creaks, and moaning faces of the trees.

  Pausing, he stared for a long while. Nearly three minutes, in fact. To him, it felt more like two minutes. Smirking, he headed towards the trees with a cool wind at his back and a tree in front of him, making a satisfied face.

  Nearing the trees, the wind suddenly changed directions, causing his scraggly mustache to wave about frantically. And soon, he stopped in front of a smaller-than-the-others-but-definitely-not-the-smallest tree, looked up at it, opened his mouth to speak, and was interrupted—

  “Oi, do you smell that?” it said, scrunching the bark on its face.

  Pausing for a moment, Girry looked around and then finally spoke, “Smell what?”

  “Smells like somebody landed in shite,” the tree cackled.

  “Ya saw that, did ya?” He scratched his chin, “was hard to see.”

  The tree stopped cackling, looked him up and down, and said, “Hard to see? Those four eyes just fer show, then? Or couldn’t you see past that big ol’ nose?”

  Girry smirked, “Nah, nothin like that. It was jus’ hard to see.”

  Seeing Girry completely and utterly unaffected by the sudden jabs, the tree’s expression dropped.

  Robbed of its fun, “Well, ain’t you the oblivious type.”

  He frowned, thought for a moment, and frowned, “Ob… oblivil… oblious… olous—”

  “Oblivious,” it said slowly.

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  “Ah, gotcha!” said Girry, smiling.

  “You definitely don’t,” it muttered. “Anyway, I’m Bayleaf… you?”

  “Girry. Good to meetcha,” he said, extending a hand, paused, looked down at it, and lowered it again, muttering, “Sorry.”

  There was an awkward silence that lasted a long, very long, time. None of them spoke. They just stared at each other. Bayleaf waved slightly in the wind while Girry scratched his elbow.

  Bayleaf broke the silence. “So, what are you doing on this planet?”

  Smirking. “Lookin for some ingredients to cook and sell.”

  “I see. And what ingredients are you looking for?”

  “Dunno,” he shrugged.

  “Right… well, if you help me out, I’ll tell you about tree meat,” said Bayleaf in a hushed voice.

  “Help ya with what?”

  Speaking softly, “See the tree next to me?”

  Girry nodded while side-eyeing the tree.

  “Good. The bugger owes me some cash.” Bayleaf’s eyes shifted slightly. “If you chop him down, I’ll tell you the best cuts of tree meat. Deal?”

  He thought for a minute while eyeing the tree, “Yeah, alright. Deal.”

  Bayleaf smiled, Girry whistled, and the tree about to be chopped down started to panic.

  It didn’t take Girry long to head to his ship and get an axe. With it fueled and ready, he cut down the tree to the horrified faces of the other trees. Bayleaf, however, cackled the entire time while shouting the words, “This is what happens when you don’t pay me back!”

  The axe, by the way, is a special type of axe that uses thrusters to increase the impact, making tree felling easier. Incidentally, the company that made the axe has had many injury lawsuits against them—

  That same evening, Bayleaf was paid back everything he was owed, and even extra. He then happily informed Girry which cuts are good and which are bad.

  “You want the meat close to the center. It has the best flavor. The meat outside is usually dry; you can throw it away or feed it to animals—”

  After a long three hours of butchering, Girry decided not to ask how Bayleaf knew the taste and instead finished up and packed the ship. Pleased with himself, he closed his cargo hold and got ready to leave. Both Girry and Bayleaf said their goodbyes, and just like that, he hopped into his ship and took off for home, eager to try the new meat—

  For a long time after that, the tree meat salad sandwich at his stall got a lot of attention. Restaurants all over the universe started to use tree meat.

  Just so you know, the tree meat that I used was acquired from a butchery orbiting a moon that orbits a slightly larger moon orbiting the planet. Yes, even I was confused and asked why.

  The answer was less glamorous than I had hoped. Apparently, it was due to wildlife conservation laws. See, if the butchery was built in orbit around the planet or the other moon, it would impede migration routes.

  Every few months, universe time, swarms of space cockroaches migrate past the planet and into the nearby star system—something smells lovely—

  Ah! It looks like the roast is finally cooked.