Am I competing with Rosanna for Vance? I know she wouldn’t entertain it. I know she’d shut him down immediately. But if he ever went far enough for there to be something to shut down hasn’t he already gone too far? If he even thought it, which maybe he already has after he saw her walk out the house during our Netflix and chill date…then fuck…I should already drop him. But I can’t because I don’t want to so I just don’t want to know. If he’s interested, I’m competing with her even if she’s not interested in him. He FaceTimed me. He “wanted to check in.” He wanted to know if I was coming to the San Francisco ball for sure. I told him I wouldn’t miss it. He then asked if Rosanna was coming. But he quickly added “or anyone else you wanna bring.” But whoever that is, they weren’t there when Rosanna first came out of his mouth. “Check in.” Is that what you say to your girlfriend? Okay. I know I’m not his girlfriend. But whatever we are “I was just thinking about you” would’ve been so much better. Okay. That’s probably asking for too much. But he could’ve said “I just wanted to say hi.” That would’ve been good enough. Fucking say hi. Don’t fucking check in. I’m cussing so much. I’m so stupid. I don’t have anything. I don’t have any right to be upset but by saying that I’m saying I don’t have any right to my feelings. I told him I’d bring Rosanna. I don’t know why. It just came out. Did I say that to make him happy? So I wouldn’t risk seeing any disappointment if I said she wasn’t coming? No wait. Not true. It didn’t just come out. I said it without thinking because this whole time when I’ve been thinking of the ball, I thought Rosanna would be there BUT THAT I’D BE GOING WITH VANCE. Because he said I’d be his special guest. But maybe now Rosanna is secretly his real special guest. How did I…No…Why the fuck did I keep smiling until we hung up?

  I want Yelena.

  I’ve returned from my Oblivion where I cried. Yelena comforted me of course. For over three hours. But now I’m back and it’s only a minute later in the true world, and I feel like I was being psycho. Because when Vance called back, I learned he only asked to know whom I was bringing because he has a block of hotel rooms and wanted to know how many of them I needed for myself and whatever entourage I may be bringing. He also wanted to know if we were bringing coffins, because the hotel will remove beds in rooms for guests who will be sleeping in funerary boxes. This and the mandatory black out curtains in all rooms are seen playfully as part of the vampire themed event and is all part of the agreement Vance negotiated when selecting the hotel, among the many that were eager for his business. When I realized that this was all it was, that Vance’s questions were just about logistics, him wanting to “check in” no longer felt so heartless. Luckily, time moves so much slower here in the true world. Had it been otherwise, Vance would’ve been waiting hours for me to call back and then maybe sense something was wrong and maybe even put together how much I misinterpreted and overreacted. Luckily crying in my Oblivion doesn’t mean I was crying here, so my eyes weren’t puffy and a dead giveaway during our second FaceTime. I told him only Rosanna would be bringing her casket and that I wanted a king sized bed. Whether he saw through this response, that it was an arrangement to make more room to sleep with me than her, I don’t know, but as he asked if it was okay to put us in a two bedroom suite, even if he chooses my bed, she’ll still be close enough for a predawn accidental encounter if for some reason my bathroom isn’t en suite. Still that’s better than Rosanna in her own room on some other floor that he could visit without me knowing, which is why I quickly agreed to the suite. I know I’m totally overthinking again. I want to be clear: I trust Rosanna but I don’t trust him when it comes to someone who looks like her. But at any rate, I still feel better now than I did earlier. Sometimes I wonder if I really am 24. I feel like tonight, I acted the age I look, and I literally cried to my mommy. But honestly, I just don’t feel secure. I don’t feel like someone’s first pick. And that’s all I want to feel like. Is that so much? But while writing that, I realize I’m a hypocrite. Since I was offered to bring an entourage, I thought of inviting our Cob?lcescu visitors to the ball. But I don’t want to bring Silviu to something that feels like a date with Vance. I don’t want to see them together because I wouldn’t know who to pick either. Probably Vance. But only probably.

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