“I made up my mind. I won’t turn you, Vance. I want your love, but I want it from you freely. I only want it if it’s free. So, I’m guessing this is goodbye.”

  That’s the speech I’ve been practicing in my head. There are variations but that’s the gist of it. It sounds like I’m putting my foot down. Hanging up. But if I’m truthful, I guess I’m hoping he’ll say that it’s not about me turning him, that there are feelings and then he’ll kiss me or more. I don’t know where this speech will happen. I’ve pictured it in different places. In my hotel room, sitting on the bed but not in it. In the middle of the ballroom floor. In the hotel elevator. Maybe I’m overreacting to that sparkler pic with Vanessa from last night, but for a while I’ve been feeling like something has to happen to push us forward, that I can’t just stay where I am, with nothing certain or even promising. I recited my speech to Yelena and she said I shouldn’t say something hoping to elicit a particular response, that I need to know I actually mean it—that I won’t turn him, no matter what our outcome. She doesn’t believe I’ve really reached that decision and I guess she’s right. I am just hoping an ultimatum will make him love me, or at least tell me he loves me and cover me in kisses. But will I not deliver my speech nonetheless? I guess I’ll have to wait and see. It’ll probably depend on my level of panic.

  I haven’t mentioned the ball too much in this journal. I guess I haven’t wanted to overthink it or jinx it or whatever. But now it’s finally here and I’m on my way. I’m writing this from the cabin of the private jet my coven arranged (thank you Vasile), waiting to take off. It’s only an hour flight. The ball itself is tomorrow night. We’re arriving a night early, just so we can get settled in, but truth be told, it feels like an extra night of anxiety. Vance will be so near to me. But so will Vance with Vanessa. And so will Vance with his audience. But we’ll be in a hotel with so many opportunities to slip away.

  It doesn’t have to be sex. It can be just a promise. A sign of interest. Right now, I’d be so happy with a kiss. But how long would that last? Weeks ago I was excited Vance held my hand at the gallery and now I’m not. But instead, I’m excited for Silviu holding it at the museum. Will that wear off too? Maybe not. With Silviu I don’t feel like I’m fighting for his attention the way I do with Vance.

  Everyone but me is already drunk and Hisato is in the aisle with an ice bucket on his head trying to do that Russian dance where they squat and kick. I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s making everyone laugh. I should probably close here and join them.

  I’m back. We’re in San Francisco. The air is different than Los Angeles. It’s cooler and feels damp. It’s obvious we’re closer to the ocean. I like it. But anyhow, I’m writing this from the desk in the suite I’m sharing with Rosanna.

  Nothing too out of the ordinary happened during the flight. I mean, something special happened (I’ll get to that), but we didn’t crash or need parachutes or anything. We mostly just stayed drunk, but to our surprise the jet had a karaoke machine connected to a large flatscreen and so of course we had to sing. Hisato sang and danced to “Toxic” by Britney Spears because he said it was “airplane appropriate” to which everyone asked when he began caring about being appropriate. “Since Caligula,” he replied, and everyone but me and Rosanna laughed because we didn’t know who that was. When it was my turn to sing, it took some prodding until Darcy offered to sing with me. We sang “Rebel Girl” by Bikini Kill and it turned out to be a lot of fun to be jumping up and down on an airplane and screaming with her, even though I was learning the lyrics in the moment as they appeared on screen. But when it was Rosanna’s turn, she sang that dreamy sounding song “Drive” by The Cars. Everyone was drunk cheering for her and going crazy and stuff as she got into it, on some verses closing her eyes, but she made eye contact with me when she sang “Who’s gonna pay attention to your dreams?” and then it was like the rest of the song was just for me as her eyes never looked away from mine again. I’m sure everyone noticed. She came to where I was sitting and knelt before me and leaned forward with the mic singing, ”Who’s gonna come around when you break?” She sang the chorus to me again. And when she got to the final “Who’s gonna drive you home tonight?” she leaned in further and kissed my cheek.

  In the limousine (also arranged by Vasile) we took from the airport to the hotel, I got out my phone to text Vance to let him know I had arrived, but I saw I already had a text waiting from him.

  “Welcome to San Francisco.” He had sent that more than ten minutes earlier.

  “How did you know I was here?”

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  “You’re my special guest. I have eyes on you all over the city. Mwah ha ha.” He then wrote that we’re already checked in. He gave us our room numbers and said we could stop by the front desk for keys “if you even need keys.”

  My room is huge and on the top floor. Above, on the roof, there’s a terrace with a bar and pool. When I saw the view from the terrace overlooking the city, I thought this would be a good place for us to kiss. I’m so delusional.

  I took the elevator back down to my room. Rosanna wasn’t there, but I discovered she had unpacked and hung my things in my closet. I was sitting on my bed and had just taken off my boots and stockings when I heard a knock at the door. Immediately, I thought it was Rosanna, locked out, her mental faculties not yet strong enough to unlock the door, but as I stepped out of my bedroom and headed through the suite toward the front door, I sensed it wasn’t her at all, and I could smell Vance’s cologne. I opened the door.

  “Good evening, Empress,” he said with a bow. As I was barefoot, Vance, though not tall by American standards, appeared taller to me than usual. “May I come in?”

  I let him in and he said he wanted to check if everything was alright with the room and if I needed anything. I said it was fine, but he still toured the suite, inspecting it. He noted that Rosanna had a nice coffin which I didn’t know what to make of, but I told him she was probably downstairs in the room arranged for the Ketsuen. Vance knew the Ketsuen were another bloodline but he didn’t know my guests were Ketsuen and he asked if there was a way to tell us apart. I told him he couldn’t because mortals can’t detect the slight scents of our blood and how they smell different. I told him the Cob?lcescu blood has a juniper-like scent whereas the Ketsuen’s blood was scented more like yuzu. His attentiveness as I told him these things, like he was making mental notes, made it clear he wants to learn as much about the vampire world as he can. He asked if Rosanna was Ketsuen or Cob?lcescu. I answered that her blood scent is juniper.

  He declined a drink and so I didn’t make one either, but he still took time out of his busy schedule to sit with me. I sat on a sofa and Vance took a chair, but then moved to the sofa with me, but not exactly beside me.

  “So how are you, Orly?”

  “I’m good. Excited to be here. How are you?” It all felt so stiff.

  “I’m good too. Been busy, but it’ll all be worth it tomorrow night.”

  “Um hmm.”

  “Yeah, well. Anyways.”

  “You didn’t ask me how my Fourth was,” I said quickly, thinking he was going to leave, but it was also more than that. I wanted to know about his night with Vanessa.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. How was it?”

  “It was great. Rosanna and I watched fireworks in our bikinis.”

  “In your bikinis?”

  “Yeah. You should’ve been there. Anyhow, how was yours?”

  “It was fun. Friends. Drinks. Look. This is why I didn’t ask. I’m not moderating my Instagram to protect anyone’s feelings because I’m not with anyone.”

  I was a little surprised how direct he was, but I was glad he didn’t try to evade. “That’s fair. But do you know I like you?”

  “Yes. I know that.”

  Have you slept with Vanessa? How many times have you slept with Vanessa? Did you sleep with Vanessa last night after your sparklers all burned the fuck out?

  Those were the things I wanted to ask but didn’t.

  “Do you like me?”

  “Wow. Orly. I don’t not like you. I mean, I do…like you, it’s just that, it’s not simple, not as simple as that. You know it’s not.”

  He meant because of my appearance.

  “When you showed up at the Otoboke Beaver concert was it about me turning you even then?”

  “Truthfully? That’s always part of it, that hope is always there in the back of my mind when meeting a vampire. But the main purpose was just wanting to meet you.”

  “And no part of you was afraid I’d kill you? You just knew I’d fall for you at first sight?”

  “Of course I didn’t know that. I didn’t go there hoping you’d be interested in me. And no, I wasn’t afraid of you killing me.”

  “Because you think I won’t?”

  “No. I knew there was a chance you might.”

  “And you would’ve been okay with that?”

  “Yeah, actually. It wouldn’t’ve been my dream come true, but it’s a different dream come true.”

  “Meaning, if you can’t become a vampire, you’d like to be killed by one?”

  “Bled to death feeding one is more how I see it.”

  “You’re that vampire obsessed?”

  “Yeah. I guess I am. Is that so weird?”

  I rose and stood in front of him, and then kneeled, and realized I was now in the same position Rosanna had been on the plane when she was singing just to me. I leaned forward and rested my forearms across his thighs, just above his knees, and looked into his face. “Then be obsessed enough to be able to love me back.”

  “I’m trying to love you. Don’t you even see that?”

  I slid my arms off him and sat back on my heels feeling defeated. “I wish it didn’t take so much effort.”

  He leaned forward and placed his hands on my shoulders and was about to say something to me but of course, we were interrupted. Rosanna knocked at the door. I let her in. They exchanged pleasantries and then he said, “I really should get going. There’s still so much to do. But just text me if you need anything, anything at all.”

  And so I’m sitting here, looking at the fog blanketing the city, thinking I only need one thing from you Vance and it’s gonna take much more than a text message request for you to give it.

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