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Chapter 3: God is a machine bear

  God, as it happened, had the very worrisome shape of a bear. It squatted maybe five paces away from me, appeared there from thin air, blocking my way to the door.

  A thick, heavy head swung in my direction.

  The animal was the size of a tank. Mottled black and brown fur covered its body, and its muzzle looked big enough to fit my head between its jaws. As it moved, I caught glimpse of its claws, shining at the end of its front paws, as long as my fingers.

  The fucking rabbits had fed me to a bear!

  I’ve only ever seen bears in zoos before, and this thing was nothing like those sad little sacks of bone and skin. Moving heavily, like an avalanche of fur and bad temper, the creature reared up on its hind legs, ears brushing the ceiling.

  It towered in every sense of the word.

  Those stories of people fighting off bears bare-handed? Pure bullshit!

  I knew I was headed for my final moments, but I’d been holding out hope that they’d come suddenly and painlessly. One moment I’d be fixing some pipe or some other bullshit analogue of real life, and the next I’d enjoy sweet oblivion. I was nowhere near masochistic enough to imagine myself being mauled to death by a bear.

  Blue torchlight reflected off shiny fangs when the bear opened its mouth and grumbled. Its entire lower jaw was mechanical, crudely shaped into an approximation of the real thing, the fangs mounted on it like nails. Drool dribbled horribly down its chin.

  I was locked in a room with a fucking machine bear! My knees knocked together as I just stared dumbly at the thing expanding, revealing more and more animal to fear. It didn’t seem to care I was there as it looked about, its grumble turning into a low thrum. The sound was part motor engine, part revving chainsaw.

  It stank of animal musk, excrement, and a whiff of that horrid smell from the tree. I was too terrified to even gag.

  I took a step back, ready to bolt back towards the door and the portal. If I was lucky, it would be too large to fit through the opening into the next room, but first I had to get there.

  Meeting a bear in the forest would’ve been frightening enough.

  Being stuck in a room with a machine bear was downright trouser-wetting terrifying, and I was this close to crapping myself in panic. My heart thundered in my eardrums as I fought for control over my breathing.

  It sniffed the air and snorted, mouth half-open, fangs on full display. Butcher’s knives would’ve been less terrifying than that array of mismatched rending instruments.

  The instant I shifted for a second retreating step, the bear’s head snapped in my direction. Its eyes glowed a LED-like red, visible even in the torch’s blue light. It roared. The blast of noise and its echos slammed into me as though the bear itself rammed my chest. It took everything I had not to drop my sword and torch to shield my ears.

  My hearing abruptly dulled with a pop and a painful rending feeling in my ears.

  In the next heartbeat it dropped on all fours and charged me before I could recover from the sonic assault.

  Adrenaline flooded my veins, and I dove aside as it bore down on me. It was so fucking fast, barrelling past me like a cannon ball on a mission!

  However, it turned like the massive boulder it was, skidding across the smooth floor, claws sparking against the stone. It slammed sideways into the wall, barely able to arrest its momentum.

  My head swam with a powerful mix of adrenaline, terror, and pain as the horrid noise still bounced off the walls. Whatever inkling of an escape plan I had got drowned in the mounting panic.

  Insult to injury, in that one charge the bear had managed to occupy my retreat, interposing itself perfectly between me and the door.

  More of it was mechanical than on first sight. One of its hind legs, now that I had an excellent view of its rump, was completely mechanical, shiny chrome components reflecting the light. To my astonishment, the bear didn’t seem to grasp how its shiny leg worked. It let out a whine as it struggled to come about, the whole construct weighing it down.

  My mind finally caught up and spun up. I couldn’t reach the door without entering claw range. Straight-line sprinting seemed like a great way to get myself disembowelled or rammed. I could circle around it, try to draw it into another lunge and then escape while it tried to turn around. Whatever had been done to the animal was recent, and it hadn’t adapted yet.

  How, and why the fucking fuck was there a half-mechanical bear under a city of sapient rabbits?! None of this shit made any sense, and the more I watched the creature struggle, the angrier I got at the absurdity of my situation. Dying was fine in itself, but getting this shit forced onto me was pure sadism.

  What? Was I metaphorically telling myself to fight for life?

  The bear’s claws scraped the floor, the noise ravaging my already bleeding ears. There was nothing metaphorical about those knives.

  I shoved down my panic and circled to its mechanical side, trying to stand on its bad side. Fear tightened my chest and stomach.

  Would a mechanical bear eat meat? Would it kill me quickly? Or would it snap my spine and take its time savouring me?

  If I ever got out after this, I would have myself rabbit stew. If the light blob could boil, I’d throw it into the pot too.

  I shook my head, shrugging off the dark, unhelpful thoughts. While circling, the bear was trying to keep sight of me, its metal leg scraping across the floor as it kept turning. I tightened my grip on the sword, grit my teeth, and lunged forward, bringing the blue blade in an awkward arc to slam into its exposed flank.

  It did absolutely fuck all.

  The sword bounced off its thick fur and hide, barely shaving a line of hair. The animal roared and attempted a kick with its mechanical hind leg. It failed and unbalanced.

  I took advantage and tried again, this time with the pointy end aimed at the enemy. Striking like this made barely any difference, the sword sinking maybe a palm’s width into the bear’s hide before getting stuck in the hard muscle beneath.

  It roared in pain and pulled away. To my horror, it even managed to pivot and swipe at me.

  “Shit!” I screamed as I just barely managed to draw aside. It clipped my shoulder in the rush and sent me reeling, pain blooming in my side. It was barely a tap, but sent me reeling, blood welling from the cuts. It could've been far worse, the blow strong enough to shatter my bones.

  If it hurt that much from just that, how much worse would it be if it caught me in a bear hug?

  I hurled the torch to one side of the room then seized the sword in both hands, adrenaline turning the pain into fuel for survival. I wasn’t strong enough one-handed, definitely not enough to seriously injure the thing, so I had to do something else. Even with my shoulder bleeding, I could still hold the weapon.

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  I roared and dashed to the side, aiming again to attack its mechanical side. It pivoted, swiping at me, back pressed near the wall. Unfortunately for me, the animal didn’t seem to be stupid. It protected its wound.

  I dodged its swipe by a hair’s breadth and was almost disembowelled by a second swipe. With its claws raking across the space separating us, all I could do was retreat and wait for its next charge.

  It refused to be baited again, growling low. Still too close to the door, it could spring on me if I tried to dash around. That speed was no joke. And that was still assuming the door hadn’t locked when the beast appeared.

  Then the bear did the worst possible thing.

  It looked at the torch. Its eyes widened, then narrowed, as if it understood the importance of that fire.

  “Oh, you bastard,” I groaned, seeing it shift heavily in that direction. “No, you don’t.”

  If it went for my torch, I’d be dead once the light snuffed out. I screamed—more to my own benefit than to impress the beast—and launched myself at it.

  This time, I put all my weight behind the sword, plunging it into the bear’s side. It reared on its hind legs, dragging me along, howling in pain and swiping at the air. I clung one-handed to the hilt, the other gripping desperately to the thick fur. Twisting the blade, my muscles burned as I poured every ounce of strength shaking the weapon loose. The steel cut deeper into flesh, and the bear yowled, bucking beneath me with earthquake force.

  Animal stench blasted my nose, wet fur, offal, and a carcass smell all rolled into one, wafting in waves off it. My eyes watered as it roared, blood and spittle spraying all over my face and neck.

  I couldn’t hold on any longer. Blood, hot as machine oil, gushed from the wound.

  The blade slid free with a wet sucking sound, and I tumbled away, barely avoiding impaling myself on the sword.

  Adrenaline flared anew and my fist tightened on the sword’s wet hilt. I scrambled to my feet and faced the bear again. We were far too close to one another, less than an arm’s reach. It could just as easily fall on me as claw me open.

  Time slowed as my mind raced. There was no escape—it could catch me no matter what. I couldn’t move fast enough to dodge away from those blue fangs. The wound didn’t bother it as much as I hoped, even as blood matted its fur.

  My mind was made up. Fight or flight? Bullshit! I leapt forward, pouring all my strength into a desperate thrust straight into the bear’s embrace. It took every ounce of courage I had to rush towards it rather than away.

  “Please have a heart!” I pleaded, driving the sword up with everything I had.

  Bones snapped as it cleaved through thick ribs, all the way down to the hilt, and the bear’s paws closed around me.

  I clenched my eyes and ass shut, bracing for the crushing hug. It never came. Instead, its paws rested against my back like a warm blanket, and the bear gave one final groan.

  It worked! It fucking worked! I twisted the blade, just to be sure.

  I had stabbed it through the heart!

  “I’m alive!” I gasped, breathing hard, still holding on to the sword, afraid the spell would break if I let go. “I’m alive… Jesus fucking Christ.”

  Then the corpse started toppling forward, a tonne of fur, fat and muscle rolling inexorably toward me.

  “No no no no—”

  I yanked on the sword, forgetting physics for a second. The corpse tilted faster, its weight pressing down, claws brushing my back as I tried to scramble away.

  “Fuck!”

  No way to free myself in time. Had I survived the battle only to be crushed by the corpse? It would’ve been hilarious if I weren’t the one about to be flattened.

  Luck finally showed up as we hit the floor together. The metal leg remained rooted, causing the carcass to twist around it. Its weight was apparently much higher than the bear’s movements had suggested. That brief shift of its centre of mass gave me just enough time and space to wriggle free, escaping with only a mild heart attack.

  I slumped against the wall, panting, wondering which pantheon I should thank for surviving that ridiculous fight. I crossed myself instinctively, then pulled my collar and spat twice down my shirt—a childhood remedy for fright. Sweat drenched my clothes, my breathing sounded like a steam engine, and my hands were useless, shaking as if I were in a fit.

  “Jesus Christ,” I groaned, voice trembling.

  It took all my will to rise and shuffle over to where the torch still sputtered.

  A shudder passed through me as I grabbed it, followed by a sharp pain in my ears. Sound returned with a pop, and my stomach knotted in painful hunger, doubling me over.

  [CONGRATULATIONS]

  [YOU HAVE DEFEATED: GUARDIAN BEAR x1]

  [YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 1!]

  [YOU HAVE UNLOCKED: INVENTORY / BESTIARY / MAP / FULL SKILL TREE]

  [WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONSTRUCT YOUR CLASS NOW?]

  Okay, that was a whole lot to take in. Some irreverent thought squirmed its way into my head: just one level for fighting that thing?!

  First thing first. I snapped my fingers by my ears and clearly heard the pop. Somehow, I’d been healed. Even the pain from wrestling with the bear eased off, leaving behind just a deep hunger and an unpleasant ache, like I’d been trampled over just enough to not die.

  Class? Inventory? Bestiary? I groaned. I didn’t have enough spoons left to deal with all that. I was aware that ignoring all this silliness was probably what got me straight in the shitter in the first place, but I really couldn’t focus on thinking over the roar of my hammering heartbeat.

  I set about handling the first task that came to mind: the ridiculous chore of getting my sword back from under the corpse. Its blue tip jutted out from the bear’s back, but a tonne of dead meat separated me from its hilt.

  How the hell was I supposed to roll that thing over? I wasn’t going to move on or head back out without my box cutter sword. I had no idea how the rabbits would react to my survival, so I wasn’t going back to the portal unarmed.

  As I mulled over how to free my only weapon, the corpse began to writhe. I jumped back in panic, fearing it was reanimating for a second round. But then its head—dangling a palm’s width off the floor in its death position—detached with a wet squelch.

  The body decayed a week’s worth in under a minute. The stench was vile, rotten meat mixed with sulphur and more of the earlier miasma of rot. In the whole harrowing experience, I had forgotten the smell.

  After about five minutes, almost nothing remained of the bear besides its mechanical leg, teeth, claws, and a mess of wiring. And a lot of stinking slimy offal. Amid the debris, my sword shone pristine in the torchlight.

  It took almost as much courage to retrieve it from the stinking sludge as it had to charge the bear.

  While I waited for that revolting process, the once-locked door slid open. Cold air drifted in from beyond, along with a faint blue light.

  I wanted to check what waited beyond, but, first, curiosity compelled me to study the bear’s mechanical parts.

  For a creature this impossible, its mechanical components were shockingly low-grade. Almost cartoonishly so—barely functional, no pun intended. I would’ve needed to disassemble the leg to learn more, and I had no tools for the job, but even a cursory glance showed no bearings or anything similar in its design. Hydraulic pistons with no pump in sight, some rough-cut gears, and the basic construction that a junior welder would’ve executed better.

  It was pretty much as basic as a low-end LEGO knockoff set. As far as I could tell, the whole thing ran on hopes and dreams. If I hadn’t killed it, the assembly would’ve seized up within the day, if not the hour. I didn’t even identify any lubrication points.

  Metal on metal, pure and simple. I shook my head, tipping the oversized limb, which fell over with a dull thud, echoing less fiercely than before.

  Well, time to see what else was going to try and claw my innards out.

  Having bested a bear—go me!—I wouldn’t have been surprised if the next challenge was a fire-breathing mechanical dragon. I mean… why not? I found talking rabbits, then a mechabear. The progression seemed broken enough to allow for any absurdity.

  Instead, I found a small chamber packed with glowing crystals. The room wasn’t much larger than that first portal room, but had a pedestal nestled among the shimmering cerulean crystals.

  Yes, cerulean. They glowed with blue light nearly as bright as the sky.

  A sphere, roughly fist-sized, floated a few centimetres above the pedestal. It was black, reflecting nothing, suspended motionless in midair.

  “If I were a betting man,” I muttered, stepping in carefully, “I’d wager a whole cheek I know what’s wrong here.”

  Amid those sharp-edged, shining crystals encircling the strange orb, the first other thing I noticed was a thorny vine wrapped around the pedestal, curling up and over the orb. It emerged from a crack in the floor, pulsing with a steady, even rhythm.

  That same growth I saw coating the walls outside spread from the crack, covering the sealed room’s wall and clustering near the exit. It crackled as I stepped near it, drawing away from my boot.

  I poked the vine with my sword’s tip—just a gentle touch—and the blade flared white as bright as the sun, reducing the vine to dust. The slime on the walls hardened and flaked off in dusty clumps before I even had a chance to study it more.

  A fresh notification popped up.

  [CONGRATULATIONS!]

  [YOU HAVE CLEARED YOUR FIRST DUNGEON]

  [LESSER CORRUPTION HAS BEEN PURGED]

  [YOU HAVE UNLOCKED: INSIGHT - LVL 1]

  [WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONSTRUCT YOUR CLASS NOW?]

  


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