This kind of reunion was a tradition we desperately wanted to keep despite the frantic schedule of every concerned party. Before Mother’s accident, we were all more available somehow. But after, she had to be taken care of. Father would come home from work and handle the physiological exercises in addition to the treatment. She was tired. Very tired. And Elena was finishing graduation. I was head deep in my articles and classes. Then, just classes. And for multiple months, we barely saw each other.

  Elena decided that we took the ritual back. She was so eager, nobody wanted to upset her. Mom was happy to rejoice the family together, since she felt terribly guilty about it ceasing. Despite us trying to explain just how far from the truth that was. Did I say we were stubborn in the family?

  I park the car just a little down the road since their personal garage is already filled with two vehicles. It’s not so far but I still have to walk a few minutes to reach the entrance. We’ve changed houses numerous times since we settled in the US. Usually, Stefan would choose the place and the architecture because Katarina is not interested in such trivial affairs. She always said ‘my home is where my family is’ and she withdrew herself from these decisions.

  But after the different tragic events, my departure from the house and, very recently, Elena’s, she went to my father and explained she wanted to move. Find something cozier, smaller, with lots of windows and lots of sun, and a little yard just beside the kitchen where she could grow her own little garden some time, in addition to a bigger one in the back.

  So, they found themselves a haven towards Blakely Road and managed to negotiate a nice price for it.

  They painted the porch white to blend with the stones of the walls and scattered the plants Mom kept bringing from houses to houses. A rocking chair swings right below one of the windows and I’ve kept my father company here a few times. These were usually the only excuse I had to start conversations with him that didn’t involve my publications or my work. The last one was about Elena, and Mother and… How we all handled the situation. Not that it changed anything. Or evolved somewhere.

  The front door stands a bit further from the road, led by a well-tended stone path surrounded by patches of flowers and green grass. Before I can lift up my hand to knock, someone calls my name behind me.

  That someone is Andrew. He slowly approaches; nervous it seems. His shoulders are lower than usual. His dark circles are more pronounced. His general allure; beaten.

  “What are you doing here?” I hiss a bit harshly. Did he follow me here?

  He doesn’t answer until he’s right beside me, at the top of the four stairs. “I just finished my visits at the hospital.” I frown. The hospital is in fact right around the block, which was another reason for my parents to have chosen this place. But he doesn’t let me react to that. “Can we talk?”

  “I’m a bit occupied at—”

  “I need to talk.” He looks so desperate. So sad. An urge of physical contact swells and I’m about to give in because of how powerful it engulfs me. But my hands fist the end of my light jacket and squeeze hard enough not to budge. Even meeting his gaze is difficult.

  “Go ahead.”

  He closes his eyes and the upper part of his nose frowns. He takes a deep breath before he strikes. “What happened?”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Don’t play pretend,” His words are sharp. Not the kind I’m used to. Not the one we used since we started talking together. He’s serious.

  I imitate and inhale loud. “I’m not.”

  “I don’t get you. You keep guilting me into being in your head, I am not.” His brown eyes swallow mine and I can’t look away. “You’ll have to come clean about everything because I don’t know where to stand anymore. I don’t know how to be around you.” His voice breaks over some words. His hair is ruffled and he’s obviously emotional. Overwhelmed. I’m not sure this is the best place to have this conversation but he powers through, without waiting for a response. “I’ve been nothing but kind. You’ve been very clear about your intentions at the bar and I thought I just had to forget about it. That this was impossible but… What you did. At my house. I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “Andrew, I—”

  “But now we have to work together. And you don’t seem to be happy. Is humanity, sympathy, and professionalism too much to ask?”

  “No, of course not, but—”

  “I’ve chosen you because you deserve it,” he’s never been so debauched before. He barely looks me in the eye and he seems on the verge of crying. Or exploding. The way his sentences are barely holding together, I imagine he’s been hesitant to tell the truth. “When the Dean offered the part and asked that I deliberate on a partner for the symposium, I was thrilled. It was perfect. Exactly what you needed. Why did you have to look at me like that, uh? Back in the conference room?”

  “I don’t know why I did—”

  “What kind of idea crossed your mind? Who does that? What is going on in your head?” His voice is getting louder.

  “Andrew, listen,” I take a step forward. “I understand your frustration and I’ll be sure to answer your questions another time, but—”

  “I don’t want another time; I want right now.”

  “No, I really can’t—”

  “Let’s go inside your house,” he approaches the entrance and is ready to push on the handle.

  “This is not my—”

  The door swings open. My mother appears. She braided her hair, which easily reached her waist. Today, she wore her dark blue dress, the one she likes to show off when she receives people because of how good she looks in it. Her smile is brighter than ever. It calms my raging heart just admiring her. “Zlatko,” She immediately swoops me in for a hug and a kiss, before she turns toward Andrew. His eyes have doubled in size and the red of his ears descended all over his neck and, probably, below. I like red on him. “I knew I heard something.”

  “Sorry, mom,” I kiss her back on the cheek, breathing her rose scent that she carefully applies on her face every morning. “We were discussing work, but it can wait.”

  “Come in, come in.” She gestures for Andrew to do the same but he doesn’t move. “I’m going to add a plate, you could have warned me that you would be inviting him, synak.”

  “Inviting who?” Elena’s voice blows up from the dining room and it takes a lot of my self-control not to grind my teeth violently. I grab my mother’s shoulders before it’s too late.

  “He’s not going to stay, mom, we just ran into each other on the street.”

  Andrew speaks behind me, gaining his senses back. “It’s very generous of you, madam. But I won’t take advantage of your kindness.”

  She bats his words into the void with a flick of her fingers, the bracelets on her wrists chanting through the motion. “Nonsense! Enter, please. We have enough food for everyone. Now that you’re here, Alexej won’t send you away. Right?”

  She pinches my ear discreetly, choosing the one invisible to Andrew’s sight on purpose. I nod frantically and she releases the tension. “Here, give me your coat.”

  Andrew remains calm and obeys each of my mother’s orders. Soon, we reach where the table is already set and the appetizers litter the table. As always, Elena and Katarina have decorated the plates and spent precious minutes searching for the perfect position for each. I’m already salivating.

  “HI!” Elena comes close and endorses my decision with a large nod. Not knowing I had nothing to do with it. “You must be Andrew,” she continues while reaching for him behind me. “I’ve heard so much about you!”

  “You…have?” he babbles and I already want to disappear into thin air. Transform into an atom. An ion. The smallest of smallest particles that trampled the earth. I turn to him and shake my head.

  “Don’t mind her.”

  Her giggles keep me from strangling her. But I can’t focus on her too much because Father enters the room. And suddenly my heart shrinks. “Hey, dad.”

  He lifts his eyebrows and his face doesn’t follow along the cheerful voice he employed. “Hello, son, how are you?”

  “I’m alright,” I manage to articulate. He claps my shoulders roughly, like a twentieth century master petting his dog, before he acknowledges Andrew’s existence. “This is Andrew, he’s a colleague.” I add.

  “Ah! I’ll be damned. You’re the first one we meet, Andrew. Very pleased to see you.” They shake hands vigorously.

  Suddenly, I realize what’s about to happen. Andrew is going to get grilled. Stefan will grab this opportunity in full hands to have every crumb of my life at the university. He’s going to use this occasion to open the wound again and stab me right into it. He offers a smile I so rarely witness on the face of my father. To be completely honest, that might be the very first time.

  “Stefan, please. Don’t start.” Mother begs with a hand on his wrists. We all, in a perfect synchronized motion, sit on our chairs. “Andrew, here.”

  “No, no, I want him right beside me,” my father insists. And this moment might become the most embarrassing one. Vomiting in front of my coworkers? Absolutely nothing compared to a situationship having to go through an unprepared meeting of the in-law’s family. This, this, is my worst nightmare.

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  Andrew shoots signs at me but he has no idea just how little influence I have on my own father. None, actually. When Stefan has an idea in mind, there’s nothing anyone could do about it. Even if there’s proof of how wrong he is, and how terrible his decision would be.

  Eventually, he obeys and ends up at my father’s right. The latter is at the end of the table, where the man of the house should be. Fortunately, Elena cedes her own chair so I could tamper the situation, and reach for Andrew’s right side, too.

  Katarina presents the plates with her hands, and asks that everyone digs in. “So, Andrew,” Stefan engages and to say that I’m nervous is an understatement. I’m charged with electricity. Ready to burst. I’m so afraid. Terrified. “How long have you been at Tufts?”

  Good question. Light. Simple. Introductory. “I’m only teaching for six months this year, actually, but it’s been seven years now.”

  “You’re not a professor?”

  “I’m a researcher in one of Tufts labs.”

  Oh, I see where this is going. Not good. Not simple. Introductory to my downfall. “A researcher, you say?”

  My father’s eyes dart to me and despite not killing me on sight, they do feel atrociously uncomfortable. Andrew catches the awkwardness. “Yes…”

  “That’s so very interesting. How did it happen for you?”

  My colleague takes a few seconds to answer, and I’m sure he’s connected the dots. My father’s interest and eagerness. My own embarrassment. He scratches the back of his head while my family’s attention is glued on him. “Lucky timing, to be honest. A vacant spot I had the chance to fill before I graduated.”

  “And there are no more positions at the moment?” They keep on talking like they’re the only two in the room.

  Andrew shakes his head. “Not that I know of. But Alexej wouldn’t be in the same lab as me. I couldn’t really tell you about the others.” Stefan nods, pensive. I see the person next to me biting his lips and I brace myself for whatever comes next. “Alex wasn’t supposed to start as a Lecturer. Not with his background and intelligence. He should have entered the Research Program, as I did. It’s not his fault. We think,” he watches my way, “something else, something deeper might be going on.”

  “What? What kind?” Katarina joins the discussion. Elena keeps silently listening, eating the food on the table. I do the same.

  “Internal administrational conflicts. Nothing concrete for now. I just have some hunches.”

  Father turns my way. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I had no idea until very recently. But I’ll keep you updated.”

  “Well, if you need a lawyer, you know who to call,” my father points at himself and offers a cocky smile. “I did handle an affair with a previous dean at Tufts a few years ago. It’s ancient history but I can’t divulge the name, obviously. That would go against my work ethic. The bastard managed to drown the accusations with a large suitcase of dirty money. I wanted to handle it differently, you know me,” he turned to his wife, “but I just couldn’t. I had to let go. One of my greatest failures.”

  Andrew stays quiet. Very concentrated. Looking like he’s analyzing my father’s words with great care. His eyebrows meet for a slight second. Before he drives a hand on his hair and dishevels them even more. “Anyway.” Stefan continues, gazing at the blond-haired man intently. “You look a little… ruffled.”

  I almost choke on a piece of bread. Elena’s close to spitting her water on my face and Mother shows signs of indignation. “Stefan!”

  “What?”

  Andrew laughs it off and looks at himself. With his fingers, he tries to make sense of his hair. Even this way, he exudes an aura only he can master. It sticks to him perfectly. “I was just at the hospital. I didn’t have time to change.”

  “The hospital? What do you do there?” The questions definitely sound like an interrogation but in truth, I’ve lost control of the situation. I probably didn’t have it in the first place.

  Andrew’s hand lay flat on his thigh which shakes at incredible speed. Is he nervous too? “I am closely working with children. We have a group of them participating in the experiments we lead at the laboratory.” They all hang on his lips, mesmerized by all the words coming out of his mouth. It has to be a superpower, then. And I’m not the only one affected. “And my grandfather is there, too. It’s been a year.”

  Mother and Elena immediately swoon. He didn’t tell me one of his only two remaining relatives was at the hospital. He probably didn’t want to add more sadness into the mix, as we were speaking of his deceased father. Did he think it would annoy me?

  “A year?” My sister asks. We all know what she entails. It must be serious then. What does he have?

  “Yes. Leukemia.”

  We all stop.

  It’s like the whole planet has ceased its unending motion. Like air has been sucked out of around us. Like the universe just paused.

  We barely look at one another. Andrew senses the shift in all of our attitudes and wants to reach for me but doesn’t. I don’t know what would be best. Do I want to feel him right now that I’m on edge? Emotional? “Sorry, I—”

  “Don’t worry, dear,” Katarina gently smiles at him but the glint at the corner of her eyes is inevitable. Even Elena sets down her food for a second. She’s embarrassed. I know. Because she doesn’t feel as sad as we do. And nobody blames her. Of course not.

  I stretch my hand to grab hers and she rubs her thumb over my palm. Squeezes my fingers. Surprisingly, Stefan is the one to respond. “We know the ravages of Leukemia, Andrew. What is the prognosis?”

  “Up to five years. Not much more.” We share breaths for a few seconds. Nobody deigns interrupting the respecting silence that installed itself naturally. “I’m sorry, is one of you...” Andrew adds, his gaze burning on my left cheek.

  “No, we lost someone,” Mother explains.

  I’m not sure I can handle his intense and warm brown irises. But my other hand decides it would show some affection.

  As I let it float, palm toward the sky, between the two of us, he accepts the touch and links his fingers into my own under the table. My heart flutters. “Alexej’s twin. Matej. A long time ago.”

  Not long enough.

  Elena’s chin quivers. Are we really going to do this in front of Andrew? Opening old wounds? Would it be very wise to disturb the mood when everybody’s already rather sensitive? “I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I didn’t know.”

  Andrew’s overflowing kindness soothes some buried part of myself. But it does bring back all the rest. Anger. Guilt. “He’s not very expansive on the subject.” Stefan addresses and I don’t know if I should laugh or yell. Although not a hint of reproach coats his tone, I’m feeling like the only one hurting right now.

  “Because you are?” I smile but it’s a scam. It’s to avoid being too mean. Too furious.

  “Alexej, dear,” Katarina hums. “We shouldn’t burden Andrew with our past traumas.”

  “Maybe we should,” Elena calls and we all turn her way.

  I’m only holding Andrew’s hand now. And I can’t fully concentrate as he’s caressing the side of it. It does ground me to the moment. Calms my fulminating breathing. Settles my heartbeat. I squeeze harder. “Why?” Mother says and it’s more like a beg. As if it was just too hard to go back to this period.

  I couldn’t understand her more. But my sister is right. We never had a proper family talk about it. And it might be the reason for all this sensation of unfinished business to linger so vividly. Elena inhales deep. “You all think his death couldn’t hurt me, but when I was young, and in need of all of your attention, Matej was still among us. He was all you were able to think of. You were sad. Terribly hurt,” the drops fall in a straight line from her eyes. “And I understand, of course, I understand. But sometimes… I feel like I’ll never be good enough.”

  Katarina brings her daughter to her chest and starts rubbing her back as her own tears follow. I can’t believe we are doing this with Andrew in the room, but we are. And I see he’s not embarrassed in the slightest as I glimpse when he’s not watching. He’s hurting with us.

  “You are everything we needed, and more, my princess,” Mom adds while holding my sister’s head between her two hands. “His passing was terrible but not sudden. You were already here. So little, in my belly.”

  The words tear a smile from Elena and she kissed her mother with all the love she could transpire. “I sound so self-centered. Andrew, I’m not self-centered.”

  The latter chuckles fondly but doesn’t respond. Instead, my father speaks. “We are sorry you felt discarded. It was not our intention. We love you all the same. Even him, still.”

  Katarina reaches for Stefan and they cuddle modestly.

  “Great, now everyone’s crying!” Elena blubbers as she watches toward Andrew. When I turn in his direction, I see the red eyes and the glistening of his cheek where the tears had slid. One drop remains there, and I use my thumb to dry it delicately.

  He’s startled, and gazes at me with curious eyes. He wants to deepen the contact, wants to fondle over my hand but he stays remarkably still. Pretends not to be affected. His eyelids flutter a dozen times and I break the touch once my mother gets up. “Now, we eat! No more crying. Andrew, grab some tissue over there.”

  They all either disappear in the kitchen or the entrance but I’m focused on my father. Because he walks toward the little door leading to the backyard. And I know him well enough to understand he wants me to follow.

  The sounds of the birds chirping and the occasional car driving along the road fills the atmosphere between us. He’s moved. In an unusual but obvious way. And I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle whatever he has to say. I’m too sensitive for it. His reproaches, his advice, his general opinion. “Dad, please—”

  “I’m sorry, Alexej.”

  His hand rests on my shoulder and his fingers flex rapidly. I try meeting his eyes but he purposefully avoids mine. The way his voice sounds is about to break me. “For what?”

  “What I’ve put you through. Since… since Matej died.”

  Is this the moment I crash into the arms of my father? Am I going to survive this? “I know you meant well, deep down. It was just hard to manage sometimes.”

  “There’s no excuses. The two of you were so different in your personalities but each time I was looking at you, I was—”

  “Seeing him,” I finished when he struggled letting the words out.

  Matej and I were like two pieces of a coin.

  He was humble and didn’t like to cause any problems. He wouldn’t say if he was sick, hurt, or down. I was vocal, and would throw tantrums whenever I could. He was the one calming me down whenever my father would reprimand us, or our mother would ask us to keep quiet. I was always pushing him close to his limits. I wanted us to play together. I couldn’t count the number of hours we spent bashing the other one’s body on Street Fighter. And he liked playing. Only his body couldn’t follow his mental energy.

  When he died, my enthusiasm went with him.

  “You didn’t deserve that.” Stefan continues with a tone that inspires the end of the conversation. This was more than I could ever hope for.

  “Did Mom force you into this?” I dared. He snorts and lets his hands fall down off my shoulder, along my arm and into my hand.

  “She might have given a little push. But I was going to do this anyway. It was hurting me too. Keeping all of this to myself.”

  He finally drifts his attention to mine with shy glances. Until he realizes how unresentful I am. My arms surround him vigorously and we both let ourselves disappear into the embrace. Cuddle the years of anger, of untreated cuts out. We tend to each other’s wounds with great care.

  The quietness is curating. Soothes the unspoken words of the past. “About…” He starts. He’s hesitant. And shies away from my eyes. I don’t want to embarrass him, so my mouth stays closed. And we wait a few seconds before he mutters the courage. “About your colleague.”

  Oh.

  Well.

  “Yes?” My voice is… different. Higher. Unsure.

  He’s again searching for the right words. Maybe being so blunt before was just one side of him that he couldn’t totally supress. He does have to be incisive and relentless in court. He always works his pleadings so specifically and thoroughly. But when it comes to his everyday speeches, he’s not so comfortable. “Is he…”

  Oh.

  That is a problem because what can I actually say to him? What is Andrew? What is he for me? What do I want him to be? What does he want to be for me? So many questions unanswered. “He’s a partner. I’m presenting this year’s symposium. With him.”

  I chose wisely. I’m not lying. Just omitting some truth my father doesn’t need to know about. For now.

  “Alexej, that’s marvellous!”

  “It is.”

  “This can only help you in your projects.” He watches me with eyes glinting. And I think I can read the underlying emotions now. One step closer toward your goal. Toward what you truly want. What would make you happy. Because I want you to be happy.

  “I’m excited.”

  “Good job, son.”

  He gathers me into his arms with much tenderness. And exchanging this moment with him closed a wound I didn’t know was also opened.

  When Elena knocks on the door to bring us both back inside, I feel like I’m floating.

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