I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There were not one, but two orbs, 100 meters out, hovering at the top of a small island in the middle of the marsh.

  “What’s that all about?” I wondered.

  I surveyed the terrain. The approach would be simple if it wasn’t for the nest of creatures laying out on the embankment.

  Mission: Kill Monster Mob.

  Muck Maulers. Level 5.

  They were spindly and lizard-like. A mad scientist’s combination of a Komodo dragon crossbred with a giant slug. They were gelatinous and slimy but had jagged claws and long, protruding jaws with razor-sharp teeth. They were calm for the time being, laying out for a midday nap. I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate being disturbed by an orb seeker.

  “Heh. Excuse me, fellas… don’t mind me… just passing through.”

  Yeah, I doubted that would work.

  My back was itchy. I chalked it up to the rucksack and my armor chafing my skin. I flipped through my inventory and formulating a plan when a notification popped across my HUD. It was a holographic envelope with a golden seal. It zoomed forward as mini-fireworks animated around it.

  New Sponsorship Offer!

  “Whoa, ho, ho!” I exclaimed. “Look what we have here!”

  ERNI chirped, “Congratulations on your first sponsorship offer!”

  “Thanks. Well, don’t keep me in suspense! Let’s see what it is!”

  The envelope tore and disappeared as a paper message unfolded in front of me. Even with all of this high-tech communication, I could tell that this was still a form letter.

  “Hello: Warrior (SackUpSam),

  Quaxbleeb’s Cosmic Crust has closely followed your adventures and is proud to be first to offer you a corporate sponsorship deal!

  As purveyors of the galaxy’s finest Quax-Discs (your equivalent of pizza), we would like to provide you with two pieces of Quaxbleeb’s Cosmic Crust branded weaponry.”

  Two holographic objects protruded from the message, rotating in front of me. One looked like a bullwhip, but was yellow. The other was a shield that appeared to be constructed out of pizza boxes. The info boxes revealed nominal details.

  Cheese Whip.

  Strike enemies from a distance.

  Crust Shield.

  Repel close range attacks.

  Strange weapons, but that wasn’t a first. I nodded, “Okay.”

  The message concluded with—

  “We wish you much success on your Slayer Bowl run. And don’t forget… for the finest fermented milk protein discs with dead-flesh toppings in the galaxy, choose Quaxbleeb’s Cosmic Crust!!!”

  Ugh. That had to be the grossest description of pizza I had ever heard. Not that it would stop me from eating it.

  At the bottom of the digital letter, I saw a green button for—

  “Accept Offer?”

  I mentally clicked it, and the letter and items vanished. Several notifications scrolled at the top of my view.

  Items Acquired:

  Quaxbleeb’s Cheese Whip.

  Quaxbleeb’s Crust Shield.

  New Trophy! Dealmaker.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  “Sweet. Gettin’ paid from gettin’ paid.”

  My only regret was not earning credits before so I could’ve kept my toxic fart grenades. But you couldn’t win ‘em all.

  “Alright. Let’s see what these bad boys got.”

  I equipped the Cheese Whip and the Crust Shield. The Cheese Whip was exactly like it sounded. It was a bullwhip, more or less, made out of some sort of rope cheese. I couldn’t imagine it proving effective in battle, but still, this was my first sponsorship deal, and I needed to test it out. I’m sure other sponsor eyes were on me.

  The Crust Shield was much lighter than I thought it would be. But then again, I guess that made sense. It looked like it was made of cardboard, but it didn’t flex. I figured maybe it was made out of some sort of space-age polymer or had a carbon fiber framework.

  I advanced towards the island with slow and steady steps. Even with these new weapons, I didn’t want to make any noise in the water and alert the Muck Maulers before I could get the drop on them. As I got closer, I confirmed visually that they were, in fact, asleep. Maybe I wouldn’t have to engage with them at all.

  I took my first steps out of the water and onto the muddy embankment. I stepped carefully over and in between the snoring creatures, keeping light on my feet. Several times I nearly lost my balance but recovered in enough time to steady myself and not alert the creatures.

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

  I worked my way up the crest of the hill. One of the creatures in my path decided to roll over in its sleep and tumble down the hill. I leaped quickly to the side, managing to land in an open patch. I watched him roll by and land with a thud against one of his sleeping herd. I fully expected them to snap awake. I stood very still. After a moment, I realized that they were heavy sleepers, and I was still in the clear.

  I was at the top of the hill now, and the two orbs were mere feet away. I couldn’t believe it was this easy.

  My back was itching again. “Damn, what is that?”

  I took my rucksack off and set it down. That was better. Something inside must have been poking me. I reached out and grabbed both orbs. Several notifications popped up on my HUD.

  Mission Complete: Retrieve Orb x2.

  Reward: +60,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Multi-Orb Star.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Orbs in hand, I squatted down and opened my rucksack to stuff them inside. I was startled as two leafy limbs sprung out of the top of the bag, reaching towards me.

  “What the hell?!” I jolted, dropping the orbs.

  “Oh no!” I said as I dove for them. But it was too late. They rolled down the hill, heading straight towards the Muck Maulers like two bowling balls towards pins. I quickly glanced back into the rucksack to see about the leafy arms. They had sprouted from…

  “Count Basil?”

  As I said his name, a central leaf waved up and down, almost like it was nodding to my salutation.

  “What the—?”

  RAAOOHRRR!

  I turned around and looked down the hill. The orbs had woken several Muck Maulers and were tumbling their way through the rest of the herd. The creatures hissed and growled, first looking at the orbs, then peering up to the top of the hill.

  “Uhhhh… Hi?” I waved with a nervous smile.

  They hissed and howled in reply. Not a good introduction at all.

  They took off, scrambling straight in my direction. The slimy things were much faster than I had thought.

  “Aw shit!” I slung the rucksack back on, and grabbed the Cheese Whip in my right hand and the Crust Shield in my left.

  The first of the maulers got close. I did my best to wield the products and realized just how “cheesy” I looked with these branded weapons. I could already imagine the headlines trending on the Wormhole:

  “Corporate Shill killed in slimy Slayer Bowl attack today. In other news, Quaxbleeb’s Cosmic Crust shares soared on the market.”

  “Back!” I yelled, snapping the Cheese Whip at the first mauler. A loud whip crack snapped as the whip made contact with its face. The creature howled, more out of surprise, I think, than any damage. The health bar above it showed barely a nick out of its health gauge.

  “Uh-huh!” I went to whip it again, and this time it caught the Cheese Whip in its mouth and started to gobble it.

  “What the actual hell? What kind of weapon is this?”

  I let it go, and the monster continued to slurp in the cheese. Its expression changed as it went from enjoying its meal to choking. Other maulers scrambled up the hill, encircling me, looking confused at their fallen comrade who was now on his back choking to death.

  One of them leaped right at me. I raised the Crust Shield to deflect it and got knocked square on my ass. The shield crumbled as the mauler sunk its teeth into my right forearm.

  “FUUUUCK!”

  I drew one of my pizza cutters and bashed it in the eye socket.

  The creature shrieked, releasing me. I rolled a distance away as blood seeped from the bite wounds.

  “Those sponsor weapons are absolute garbage! Are they trying to get me killed?!”

  “Lower-tier sponsorships do not offer the same quality as upper-tier,” ERNI said.

  “Yeah, I kind of figured that out!”

  I got to my knees as another mauler leaped my way. I drew my other pizza cutter, which tore into its flesh, spraying black blood.

  CHOMP!

  “GAAAH!!”

  I felt searing pain in my left thigh, like scalpels shoved into muscle. Another mauler had clamped its jaw around my quad. I flipped both pizza cutter blades down and used both to alternately stab the fuck out of its face.

  “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!”

  KOISH! KOISH! KOISH!

  The monster dropped dead.

  I kneed another one in its gut, deflecting its lunge. It howled as it landed, quickly righting itself, circling back for another attack.

  “Really?”

  I went savage with the cutters, slicing like a madman. One by one, I shredded the creatures, kicking and kneeing them, tearing through their hides with my spinning blades. I took several of them out fairly quickly, but not before some of their partners got a few more nips on my arms and legs.

  Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!

  I was a bloody mess. My vision flashed red. My heartbeat drummed.

  I squared up with one of the bigger maulers. This one was more cunning and slow to approach. What I didn’t realize is they had coordinated an attack. His buddy slithered behind my ankles while he leapt into my chest, knocking me over. I landed square on my back. My rucksack flipped open. The mauler ringleader pounced onto my chest, digging his claws into my legs, while trying to bite my face off. I jammed a pizza cutter into his mouth, keeping it open like a tire jack. Another mauler swooped in and I held its jaws open with my hands—its teeth digging into my palms.

  “AAAAHHHH!”

  I was losing the struggle. These were some strong ass bastards!

  A third mauler swooped in from the other side, preparing to bite. I was out of hands, out of time, and out of luck. He lunged forward to chomp. I closed my eyes and braced for the pain.

  But the bite never came.

  I opened my eyes and saw the second mauler, mouth open, being held at bay by Count Basil’s vine-like arms.

  “What the…? Count Basil?”

  I used the opening from my unexpected teammate—dealing well-placed knees and punches to the lead mauler and to his partner. I leapt on top of each, raining down blows until they were both dead. Finally, the herd was vanquished.

  Muck Maulers Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Monster Mob.

  Reward: +60,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Who Needs Stealth?

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Murk Maulers.

  Item Acquired:

  Murky Marauder Play.

  I stayed on my knees for a while, heaving for air. Slowly my vision stopped flashing and my heartbeat calmed. Bloodied and sore as I was, my wounds were healing fast.

  I brought my rucksack back around in front of me and took another look inside. Count Basil was clearly augmented, with two well-defined arms and a cluster of leaves that sort of served as a head.

  “Count Basil?”

  He waved at me.

  “Hey. Uh… Thanks… buddy.”

  My mind was scrambling, trying to make sense of it. How had my potted kitchen basil plant suddenly sprung to life and kept me from imminent death? And then I remembered, and the notification flashed on my HUD.

  Team Spirit Upgrade Activated.

  Automatically Applied to Teammate: Count Basil.

  The Team Spirit Upgrade must have granted Count Basil sentience and strength. I started to laugh like a madman, rolling onto my back and staring up at the grim sky.

  I laughed so hard that my belly hurt. I struggled back to my feet and slung the rucksack over my back, leaving the flap open to give Count Basil a little room to spread his limbs. I rubbed my sore legs and arms.

  “Count Basil, you are a certified badass.”

  “I am happy for you and your friend,” ERNI chirped.

  “Thanks.”

  I walked down the hill past the mauler corpses and retrieved the orbs. I set them carefully inside the rucksack below Count Basil. He coiled his arms around them for safekeeping.

  Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.

  An indicator for the next scoring zone appeared on my map. I had a ways to go and some time to think. First things first—I needed to figure out what was up with that sponsorship and those faulty weapons.