Thankfully, my improved healing abilities restored my teeth fairly quickly.

  Though, the Octoglorpus didn’t give a shit about my dental health.

  Instead, it ripped its arms free from the webbing and began clawing the sticky substance from its eyes.

  G and I looked at one another as I struggled to catch my breath.

  ME: I’m never eating sushi again.

  G drew his VengeAxe and it extended, axe-heads springing out.

  GNARLTHARR: We tried it your way… now we try mine!

  YAAAAAAH!!!

  He leaped into the air, bringing down a savage chop into one of the Octoglorpus’ legs—

  SKLOOP!

  —lopping it off in a single swipe.

  The creature shuddered, rattling the entire octagon with its blood-curdling wail.

  ”SCREEEEEEE!”

  ME: Okay, yeah… we do it your way.

  The monster brought its remaining legs in, wrapping them around its body like a shield. It stood still for a moment, confusing us.

  ME: What is it doing?

  GNARLTHARR: I do not know.

  ME: Maybe we’ve won?

  GNARLTHARR: I do not think so.

  ME: See, that’s your problem. You need to think positively. Manifest the victory.

  GNARLTHARR: What?

  ME: I’m just saying, your mindset can affect the outcome. Sometimes you just gotta—

  The monster launched a heavy spray of black ink in all directions.

  SPLOOOOSH!

  We got covered in the stuff. The thick wave of ink smacked us off our feet, coating us in dark, viscous goo.

  GNARLTHARR: What were you saying?

  ME: Nothing.

  GNARLTHARR: Something about manifesting? Piece of cake?

  ME: Okay. I might have underestimated it a little.

  GNARLTHARR: A little?

  ERNI: Oh my. This can’t be good for my circuits.

  I stood up, clawing desperately at my face, trying to see through the blinding black muck. When I finally cleared my eyes, it was just in time to see the Octoglorpus fire a series of small projectiles through the air.

  ME: Oh come on… what the hell are those?!

  GNARLTHARR: More pieces of cake.

  ME: I’m really gonna need for you to let that go.

  ERNI: Whatever they are, they certainly don’t appear promising.

  As I stared at them, they came into focus. They were small, circular, white, crusty-looking things. As they arced through the air and got closer, their info boxes suddenly appeared.

  Blammacles. Level 3.

  As soon as I had finished reading their name, several of them detonated in a chain reaction of explosions.

  KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!

  The blasts dislodged several train cars from the octagon wall, tossing them through the air. The steel cabins dropped randomly in the center of the scoring zone, creating a series of obstacles and barriers. G and I ducked behind one of the trains for cover. Two blammacles dropped in right behind us. We dove away as they exploded.

  KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!

  The shock waves sent us flying into the wall of the octagon.

  WHOOMPF!

  We both lay crumpled at the outer edge of the scoring zone.

  GNARLTHARR: GRRR… I tire of this beast.

  ME: I’m not sure I can get up.

  GNARLTHARR: You can get up, Mozza-Sam, and you shall.

  What can I say? The big guy had a way of motivating me.

  I struggled back to my feet, my pizza cutters spinning up. Count Basil flexed his arms, the leafy tips having regrown. G spun his VengeAxe back into a ready fighting stance. The Octoglorpus waved once more—‘come and get it.’

  I raised a pizza cutter in the air.

  This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  “Let’s go, Squidward!”

  G and I sprinted towards the Octoglorpus. It whipped its tentacles towards us, spinning its body like a cyclone. I hurtled the first two of its arms—

  WHAM!

  —but the third slammed into my midsection, curling around my waist.

  OOoof!

  The impact knocked the wind out of me. I felt like some of my organs had shifted out of place.

  But the bigger problem was the suckers on the underside of its arms. They slithered beneath my armor and a serrated barb slashed through my flesh.

  “GAAAAH!” I screamed as my vision flashed red and my heartbeat thumped.

  Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!

  ERNI: Sam, might I remind you that—

  ME: Not, now, ERNI!

  I glanced over at G, who was catching just as much hell. Spiked barbs slashed at his muscled frame, clawing through his fur. He roared, raining down punches against the Octoglorpus’s arms.

  I jammed my pizza cutters into the thick flesh of the beast. A gushing spray of pink blood shot out. The creature released me, whipping another leg around, cracking me in my back.

  THWACK!

  My quest sack flew off, taking Count Basil with it. I slammed down a few meters away. Count Basil tried to get up, his vines shaking.

  ERNI: Might I remind you that you have this?!

  Through the flashing red of my HUD, ERNI brought up an item from my inventory.

  Aste-Roid Syringe.

  An unsanctioned, performance-enhancing drug. Use at your own peril.

  I grabbed it, weak, and jabbed it into my arm, thumbing the plunger.

  I could feel my health surge, way past normal. I was fucking enhanced.

  I leapt to my feet—eyes blood red. My body trembled as a sudden transformation initiated. Like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk, my lanky frame filled out, stretching my armor to capacity, muscles rippling all over. I flexed them, feeling an immense surge of power.

  A 60 second timer began as red words splashed across my HUD.

  ROID RAGE! BEGIN!

  “RAAAAAAAA!!!” I roared with an unnaturally deeper voice. I could barely contain the energy swelling inside.

  GNARLTHARR: Ster-a-Roni Sam?

  Count B was in danger, clawing along the dusty ground, dragging the quest sack behind him. He reached out to grab the two orbs that had spilled out. The Octoglorpus whipped an arm down in his direction.

  “NOOO!” I sprinted at full speed, shoving him out of the way as—

  WHAM!

  —the Octoglorpus’s arm slammed down. I caught it easily with one arm, pointing a pizza cutter at it with the other. My voice sounded like it had a deep monster effect applied.

  “YOU JUST FUCKED WITH THE WRONG PLANT!!!”

  GOOSH!

  I stabbed one of its eyes, twisting the pizza cutter in its socket. The blade came out, dripping with eye pulp. The monster squealed, backing up.

  It snatched up several train cars, launching them with the ease of a child tossing legos. With unfathomable speed, I scooped up Count B and the quest sack in one hand and grabbed G with the other. I raced us out of the way as—

  KOOM! KOOM! KOOM!

  — the steel cars rained down, landing with savage impact around the octagon.

  GNARLTHARR: Thanks, Garlic Knot Sam.

  ME: Don’t mention it.

  The Octoglorpus taunted with another wave, then shot a new round of Blammacles at me.

  “NOOOOOOO!!!”

  I jumped into the air swatting them with the shields of my pizza cutters.

  SCHMACK! SCHMACK! SCHMACK!

  They rained back down on the Octoglorpus, scorching its bulbous head.

  KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!

  “SASHIMI, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

  ERNI started laughing, glitching on my screen.

  ERNI: AH-HA! HA! I see what you did there!

  I raced towards the creature, slashing my blades with a fury I had never felt before.

  SHKLOOP! SHUNK! SGLOOSH!

  Pink blood sprayed as I sawed off three of its legs in quick succession.

  The Octoglorpus shrieked in agony. Its dismembered legs twitched and wriggled on the ground. They clawed at the earth as more Pepto blood gushed from each wound.

  “WHAT’S WRONG STUMPY?! YOU AIN’T WAVING NOW!!!”

  My ‘Roid Rage’ countdown ended and my body deflated back to normal size. It didn’t matter. I was ready to end this.

  ME: Get the other arms before they grow back!

  GNARLTHARR: Okay!

  G swung the VengeAxe down in swooping arcs, hacking off two more of the Octoglorpus’ arms. I sliced off another as more and more pink goo spewed out of the creature’s body. The creature lolled unsteady on its base, barely supported by its two remaining arms. It arched up on them, and—

  KRA-KOOM!

  —brought its razor-sharp beak down in a desperate strike. I barely rolled out of the way in time. It was furious, lashing out, baby arm tips starting to work their way out of the stumps.

  “Oh no you don’t!”

  The creature arched upwards again, preparing for another strike. I sprinted beneath it. Count Basil grabbed its remaining arms, tugging them apart. The monster landed hard, inverted, on top of its armored skull. It wriggled like a turtle on its back, unable to regain its footing.

  “Great job, Count B!”

  G took his VengeAxe to the two remaining legs, lopping both off. They spewed thick, gooey blood as the monster’s health gauge flashed—

  Critical Warning!

  The bar had a mere sliver of red remaining.

  I flipped up next to the creature’s beak. It snapped its steely jaw at me, desperate to score some damage. I scanned my playbook and called up an—

  Inside-Out Grenade.

  —pulled the pin, and dropped it straight down its gullet. Count B, G, and I scrambled away as the creature squealed one final time, looking at us with those black, soulless eyes.

  KA-BLOOM!

  The monster’s body completely inverted, the beak folding in on itself, skin tearing at the seams as its innards spewed outward. Pink, veiny viscera spooled out as if someone was squishing the creature like a toothpaste tube. Finally, the gelatinous ball of inside-out organs exploded into a giant cloud of pulpy, pink mist. Tusks shot out in every direction, embedding like spears into the sides of the metal octagon. Flaps of gooey flesh and entrails rained down on us, coating the entire scoring zone, and filling the air with the rotten smell of octopus anus.

  Octoglorpus Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!

  Flashy Kill Bonus!

  Reward: +75,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Sushi Slayer.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Octoglorpus.

  Items Acquired:

  Armed And Dangerous Play.

  Exploding Ink Packs x3.

  Kraken Snacks!

  Count Basil, G, and I stood over the carnage for a moment in silence. All of our health gauges slowly rising. G and I exchanged glances, both of us covered in galactic squid slop.

  “You know something?” I said, looking at him. “You stink.”

  He looked at me, serious for a moment, then busted into the biggest belly laugh I’d seen from him.

  “You are as funny as you are brave, Meat-Lovers Sam. I will battle by your side any day.”

  I put out a hand. So did he. Count Basil joined us—putting out a leaf. We raised them in solidarity. We were a team. And we were badasses.

  Count Basil handed me the orbs from the quest sack. I was about to lift them up, then remembered what G had done with his. I gave him a look.

  “Well?”

  He thumped the top of his fist into his chest a few times. A moment later, he unhinged his jaw, and coughed his orb back up. It was covered in green bile, but none the worse for wear.

  “Disgusting.”

  The three of us raised our orbs, and they evaporated as a confetti animation played and fireworks crackled in the sky.

  Triple Orbdown!

  Reward: +375,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Badass Battle Brothers.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  I unmuted the ISSN feed. G and I watched as Blink highlighted our victory. “—with an incredible team attack and one of the flashiest finishes we’ve seen so far this quarter!”

  The screen cut away to shots of fans reacting to our team victory. They were actually clapping and cheering us on. And it didn’t seem ironic at all. The feed cut back to Blink and Gill. The best part was seeing Gill’s sour expression as even he had to admit—

  “Yeah, I guess they got a little something going on.”

  Yeah, we did.

  I muted the feed.

  We used our “Teammates Do It Better” T-shirts to wipe the octo-goo off as the green teleportation transport crystallized around us.

  Teleportation Initiated.