We continued through the ice tunnel, keeping an eye out for any straggler Pricksicles. Fortunately, there were no red dots on the map, and no more of those annoying giggles.
I snapped my fingers and exclaimed, “Doom Spinners!”
G grunted. “That is a terrible name.”
“Wheels of Pain!”
“Even worse.”
“Ooh, ooh… Discs of Destruction!”
G waved that one off. “You are missing the entire point. If your goal was to give your weapons an embarrassing name, why not call them Crust-Busters or Stabby Spinners?”
“Hey, this isn’t easy, okay? Coming up with cool names for weapons wasn’t exactly taught in school.”
“You should pick a name that will freeze the spine of any enemy who would dare face you. A name so intimidating, it would make their heart quake. A name so fearsome, it would make their testicles shrink.”
“Oh, wow. That’s a very specific goal.”
“Besides…” G continued, “I don’t know why you are trying to name them as a set in the first place. They are individual weapons. Did human parents name their younglings as a flock?”
I looked at Count B, but he just scratched his leafy head and shrugged.
“ERNI, you wanna weigh in on this?”
“In my estimation—naming inanimate objects seems pointless.”
“Well, technically isn’t that what we did with you?”
ERNI paused for a minute to think about it.
“Point taken. Well, then, drawing from my newfound cultural awareness… how about Lando Cut-risian and Luke Slice-walker?”
“Hey! That’s pretty good!”
“You are all hopeless,” G grunted. “I do not understand why we are on this foolish errand in the first place. We should be pursuing more orbs to get our points up to meet Dom Blady in the final.”
“We’ll get back to that in a minute. I just need a little break from the cold. Besides, this veil visor thingy is supposed to enable us to see ‘all things.’ Maybe that means seeing secret portals or other ways to score. Some of the best power-ups I ever got in video games came from stupid side quests. Nerdy developers tucked away some of the best loot in corners of the game that no one else would dare explore.”
G just huffed and kept walking through the darkness.
The beam from my headlamp cast a cone through the shadows as the tunnel opened up into a large glacier cave. An eerie, blue bioluminescent glow shimmered across all of its glassy surfaces. Gigantic spikes of ice jutted perilously from the ceiling. The entire chamber was empty with the exception of a single pillar of ice in the center. And hovering above it mid-air was an orange, mirrored helmet visor.
“Whoa,” I said. And my voice immediately echoed across the cave.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!”
Cool!” I shouted, amused.
“Cool! Cool! Cool!”
G gnashed his teeth, most certainly unamused. We walked over towards the visor. As we got closer, an info-box appeared above the reflective face shield.
The Veil-Rift Visor.
Offers sight beyond conventional perception. But beware… the unseen exists for a reason.
“That’s a little cryptic, huh?” I said as I reached out towards it.
“Wait!”
G grabbed my wrist. “Something about this feels wrong. I do not like it.”
“Come on, big guy. How’s a little extra sight gonna hurt?”
“You see that warning. Sometimes it’s best to not know what we can’t see. ”
“Okay, one, I never thought I would see you get afraid. And two, you’re not gonna wear it anyway. You don’t even have a helmet.”
“I am not afraid. I am just…” he paused, carefully choosing his next word, “…cautious.”
After a moment, he shook his head disapprovingly, and released my hand. “Do what you will, White Sauce Sam.”
I was about to reach out again when I heard shuffling behind the ice pillar. I looked down as an adorable, fuzzy penguin waddled into view.
“Awww, look at you. Aren’t you cute? What’s your name, little fella? Chilly Willy?”
ERNI: Sam, take a look at the map.
I glanced at it and noticed a red dot right where the penguin stood.
Mission: Kill Enemy Monster.
“There’s no way this cute little guy is a monster. ERNI, I think you’re glitching again.”
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G snarled, baring his fangs. He hefted his VengeAx and stepped into a fighting stance.
“I told you this was foolish!”
“Hey, can everybody just chill for a minute? Clearly this cute little penguin isn’t gonna hurt anybody. Are you, little fella?”
He looked up at me with big, adorable eyes. He blinked, cocked his head, and offered a purring—
“Cooo.”
“There. You see that?” I said, turning towards G. “Even he says it’s cool. Why, he wouldn’t harm a—”
“WATCH OUT!” G shouted.
The next thing I knew, I was flying through the air. G had shoved me out of the way as the penguin morphed into a 4 meter tall monstrosity of fur, flaps, and fangs. I landed hard on the ice and slid away.
The monster chomped G’s arm. He roared in pain, then kneed the creature in the stomach. It howled, releasing his arm. Bleeding, G stepped back and spun his VengeAxe in a defensive twirl.
I sat on the ice, momentarily stunned. The info box above the creature read—
Dreadguin. Level 8.
Count Basil slapped me in the side of the helmet, snapping me out of my daze.
“Thanks, Count B.”
I leapt back to my feet.
SHOONK!
The spikes in my boots auto-gripped the ice beneath me.
SHIIING!
I drew my pizza cutters and took off running towards the creature.
“Yaaaah!” I screamed.
I figured if it worked for G, it could work for me, too. I flipped through the air, slashing out with the blades as they auto-expanded, spinning up with red laser energy.
Feathers flew as I landed two direct slashes on the back of the creature, drawing black blood.
“CAAAWWW!”
It squealed and spun around. It kicked me with a webbed foot, then chopped me in the neck with its wing.
“Owww…. That thing’s not Chilly Willy. It’s the Penguinator!”
Count B shot multiple vines out from the quest sack, wrapping them around the beast, immobilizing its legs as G pummeled it with the shaft of his VengeAxe.
SHWACK! THWACK!
“Well done, plant! Hold it steady!”
The Dreadguin roared in pain. Count B yanked the monster’s legs, sending the creature beak first into the ice.
KRACK!
The creature chomped at Count B’s leaves, dealing more damage before freeing its flippers. It scooted back on the ice, getting back to its feet.
The four of us squared up in a stand off. The Dreadguin looked at G, then at Count B and me. All of us tensed, ready to pounce.
Suddenly, the Dreadguin spun on its heels, turning its back towards us.
ERNI: Sam—
ME: Wait. What is it doing?
ERNI: I believe it is—
ME: Maybe it’s a sign of surrender.
ERNI: I don’t think—
ME: No. For real. Like on one of those nature shows.
The monster was hunched over now. It appeared like it had given up the fight.
ERNI: Sam, I must warn you. It is a scientifically known fact that penguins defecate with surprising force.
ME: What?
Before this could register, that’s precisely what happened. The Dreadguin arched its back and unleashed a massive stream of milky-white guano in my direction. The spray hit me full blast, knocking me onto my back.
“UGGHH!!!”
I slithered on the ice, coated in thick white penguin shit. Totally how I had envisioned my day.
The creature turned around, pointed a flipper at me, and chittered. G laughed, then proceeded to chop one of the creature's feet off, causing it to hop in place, screeching in agony.
“FUCKTHH!” I spit out white goo. “ITH GOTT IN MY MOUFF!!”
I clawed the gloopy cream from my eyes as more glopped from my nostrils.
Pissed, I scrambled to my feet and charged at the monster. Its grin faded as I launched through the air, bringing my blades towards its neck in a crisscross swipe.
SHUNK!
The monster's head toppled off, landing on the ice with a thud. Its body tipped over beside it. I stood there panting, enraged, covered in sticky white goo.
“This look is an improvement for you,” G chuckled.
Dreadguin Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Enemy Monster.
Reward: +15,000 Points!
New Trophy! Ice Ice Slayby.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
Auto-Looted Dreadguin.
Items Acquired:
Pack of Guano Gum.
Pengboy Magazine.
Standard Tuxedo.
Rotting Fishbone.
“Wait, let me see that last one.”
It appeared in front of me, hovering mid-air, and was exactly as described. A literal, rotting fishbone.
“All of these are useless. Discard them.”
“As you wish,” ERNI replied.
The fishbone disintegrated as the notifications disappeared.
I turned back towards the Veil-Rift Visor. I reached out and snatched it from the air, affixing it to my helmet, over my standard face shield.
Mission Complete: Retrieve Veil-Rift Visor From Hellfrost Hollow.
Quest Complete: Peer Beyond The Veil.
Reward: The gift and curse to see all things.
New Trophy! Kicking Ice and Taking Names.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
Bonus Reward: Glacier Gray Matter Booster: Removes Brain Freeze with +25% I.Q.
I looked around the cave and, despite a new orange-tint, I didn’t see anything different or special. There were no hidden portals, or orbs, or scoring zones. It was just the same old walls of ice. Disappointed, I flipped the visor up.
“This thing is a total dud. An absolute waste of time.”
“And energy,” G added.
We made our way back out of the cave, and into the punishing winds and snowdrifts on the surface. I used a T-shirt to wipe off as much of the guano off as I could. We had a long trek ahead of us—nearly 45 kilometers towards the nearest orb. As we trudged through the snow, I did everything in my power to keep my mind off of the misery of the savage winds. My naming-the-pizza-cutters game was the perfect solution for our travels. Although, G didn't seem to think so.
“Spinny McChopChop, and the Revolving Regret?”
“No.”
“Shred-lock Holmes, and Inspector Cut-so?”
“No.”
“Ooh, ooh, I got it this time. I mean it. Wheel Ferrell and Spin Diesel.”
“Who?”
“Oh, come on. You don’t know them? They’re like, big-time movie stars.”
“NO!”
“You know what? You’re no fun.”
I tapped on my quest sack. “Count B, you alright in there? You’ve been pretty quiet.”
He didn't answer. Instead, a notification flashed across my HUD.
Glacial Gray Matter Upgrade Activated.
Automatically Applied to Teammate: Count Basil.
“What?” I was still trying to process this when another notification appeared.
Count Basil has entered mental chat.
COUNT BASIL: …
A flashing ellipsis appeared after his name, similar to a typing bubble one might see while awaiting a friend’s chat response. I waited with bated breath.
For the better part of a year, I had taken care of Count Basil in the Rat E. Cheddar kitchen. Speaking with him every day. Playing music for him. Telling him my deepest secrets, wondering what he might say to me if he could ever talk back.
And then he did.
The blinking ellipsis went away, replaced by—
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
That was it. It was as simple and profound as anything I could have ever hoped for. G erupted into a full-bellied laugh that echoed across the snowy plains.
GNARLTHARR: Welcome to the party, plant. Your leafs are delicious, mighty, and now… smart.
ERNI: I must say this is unprecedented. I have never encountered a talking plant in any of my previous Slayer Bowls.
ME: B, is that really you?
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
I lost it, joining G in maniacal laughter. Half, because I was in the throes of hypothermic delirium. And half, because of the absolute lunacy of seeing my basil plant send me a chat message in the middle of a warrior versus monster death sport.
If he wanted to say “leaf,” then leaf it was.
