ME: Uh, is that what I think it is?

  GNARLTHARR: What are you talking about?

  ME: THAT TYRANNO-DICK AND BALLS!

  GNARLTHARR: What?! I do not see anything. WATCH OUT!!!

  I snapped out of my daze, seeing the Tyrannoduckus bringing one of his mighty dino legs down for a stomp. I scurried to safety, narrowly avoiding his thunderous attack. I got to my feet and shook my head. The Tyrannoduckus turned around, seething.

  Sure enough, there it was, dangling between his legs—a gigantic, half-dino, half-duck dick. Even worse was the wrinkly scrotum swinging behind it—one ball lower than the other.

  I pointed with my pizza cutter. “You’re telling me you don’t see that monster schlong and sack hanging right there?”

  GNARLTHARR: What I see is someone that got hit too hard.

  I blinked a few times. Could I possibly be hallucinating? Was I going crazy?

  On a whim, I flipped the Veil-Rift Visor up, and immediately, the duck dick vanished, as if hidden by some cloaking mechanism. I flipped the visor back down again, and there it was—monster sausage and meatballs, dangling in all their full glory.

  ME: Why would they cloak something like that?

  ME: Do you see it, Count B?

  He scratched his leafy head, then shrugged.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf?

  The Tyrannoduckus launched another ice loogie in my direction. I barely dove out of the way in time. I was so distracted. Instead of focusing on a counter-attack, all I could see was that floppy monster shaft, flipping around, helicoptering with each one of its moves. And those scaly jewels, slapping the inside of the monster's’s dino-thighs.

  My mind was racing. Did all monsters have dicks? I had never seen one before, in a movie or comic book. And I had devoured plenty because of my love for kaijus.

  I mean—it made sense that monsters had ‘nads. How else would they breed and propagate the species? And I guess if you were producing a kaiju movie or book, you wouldn’t think to include monster junk. That could be career suicide—killing ratings and limiting audience potential.

  ERNI: SAM! LOOK OUT!

  Count B used his leafy arms to spring us out of the way as—

  THUNK!

  —The Tyrannoduckus brought down another mighty wing chop.

  I couldn’t get my mind straight. I was so preoccupied with this new revelation that monsters had genitalia.

  It’s just that we couldn’t see them.

  ME: ERNI, why would a monster’s genitals be cloaked?

  G blocked the creature’s wing swipe with his VengeAxe.

  GNARLTHARR: Bah! Both you and your AI need repairs!

  ERNI: The most rational explanation would be that it is a genetically-evolved defense mechanism. You do not attack that which you cannot see.

  That made a ton of sense.

  I mean, if I had a giant, monster schlong—

  —which I do, by the way…

  …but I’m just saying—even if I didn’t, I would certainly want that hidden in battle.

  It’s not like I would want to advertise, ’Hey, enemy, did you catch a load of all this meat? Have at it.’

  GNARLTHARR: You gonna keep on about monster peen or are you gonna rejoin this fight?!

  G was swinging valiantly with the VengeAxe. The Tyrannoduckus was faster, evading his strikes and sending him sprawling in the snow with a well-timed kick.

  ME: My bad.

  I thought of the perfect weapon for the moment—

  Running: Destructive Dance-Off Play.

  The spikes on my heels retracted as my boots suddenly lit up with colorful LEDs. An interstellar dance track filled the air. The Tyrannoduckus cocked his head at me, confused.

  I pointed my pizza cutter high in the air like I was John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

  “All right, motherquacker. Let’s do this.”

  A holographic alien girl band appeared. They sang an infectious tune that I couldn’t understand, but found imminently danceable.

  I widened my hips, tapping my heel, and thrusting my pelvis in tune with the beat.

  The Tyrannoduckus began to shudder as his legs started thumping to the rhythm involuntarily.

  “Quack?” it questioned.

  “Yeah, that’s right. You’re feeling it. I’m feeling it. Let’s go!”

  I felt imbued with smoothness. I busted out a series of dance moves that I’d never been able to do before. I was suddenly graceful, shredding the snow, kicking up high knees, pop-locking, and nailing a perfect moonwalk. Count B joined in, shifting and rolling his vines to the beat of the track.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  Whatever we did, the monster was forced to do the same. Like a remote-controlled robot, he was bound to our actions, mirroring every move.

  ME: Awww, yeah! That’s it, Count B! Get down with it!

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  G used the opening. He swung the VengeAxe, hacking away, landing blow after blow. The Tyrannoduckus was defenseless to counter. Orange goo spurted everywhere as his health gauge flashed red.

  Critical Warning!

  I synced moves with the holographic, alien girl band, performing their pre-choreographed routine perfectly, as if I had attended every practice.

  The beast was at my mercy. It was the first time I had seen a look of worry on a monster’s face.

  ”Quuuuuaack?” it cried out.

  I danced towards him, forcing him to dance his way towards me. We met in the middle, and I spun around, forcing our backs against one another.

  ME: Get him, Count B!

  Count B whipped his vines around the creature’s neck, tightening around it, like a garrote. He also grabbed the beast’s protruding duck bill, wrapping it shut.

  ME: And now for the flashy finish!

  Count B yanked all four of his limbs back with tremendous force, ripping the Tyrannoduckus’ head around at an impossible angle—

  KRACK!

  —snapping his neck.

  Blood gushed from its bill as its vertical eyes glassed over.

  The creature stood there for a moment, lifeless, its head on backwards. It pitched forward, landing chest-first with its bill up in the air.

  ME: Way to go, B!

  GNARLTHARR: Impressive, plant. Well done.

  I flashed a final dance pose as the holographic girl band disintegrated and notifications ticked across my HUD.

  Tyrannoduckus Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!

  Reward: +100,000 Points!

  Flashy Kill Bonus!

  Reward: +75,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Moves Like Quacker!

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Boss Beating Bros!

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Tyrannoduckus.

  Item Acquired:

  Dino’s Big Ducks Wraps, 3-Pack.

  Ribbed for Her Pleasure.

  G joined my side, standing over the monster’s body. Though he was lying chest down, bill up, I could still see that huge endowment sprawled between his legs.

  I pointed. “You really don’t see that, huh?”

  “The dead enemy? Sure, I do.”

  On instinct, I glanced over at G and immediately regretted it.

  “What? What is it you’re looking at?” he growled.

  I flipped the visor up. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

  “Wait a minute...“ He smiled. “You were looking at my—“

  “I WASN’T LOOKING AT ANYTHING!”

  His toothy grin widened. “Vylgarianths used to say: ‘Stalk quietly but carry a massive spear.’”

  “Okay, okay, we’re not talking about this at all.” I waved my hands. “Come on, we’ve got orbdowns to score.”

  Count B reached into the quest sack and brought out our orbs. G unhinged his jaw and hacked his up. We raised them into the air, and they disappeared in their normal glitzy animations as the notifications scrawled across my HUD.

  Triple Orbdown!

  Reward: +375,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Head Turner.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Bonus Reward: Cosmic Cocoa Packets.

  “Oh, hell yeah!”

  I couldn’t believe I was so excited to have hot chocolate packets. But in these harsh environments, even the smallest of creature comforts, could make a huge difference.

  I unmuted the ISSN feed as Blink and Gill recounted our victory. The footage showed off my masterful dance moves as Count B and I distracted the monster, allowing G to hack away with his VengeAxe. Strangely enough, the broadcast didn’t show or mention anything about the monster’s junk. I guess they were cloaked for everyone watching.

  “And, here, with an inventive attack on the Tyrannoduckus,” Blink announced, “SackupSam shows us that he’s got all the right moves.”

  “I wish he’d move off my screen,” Gill scowled.

  Blink started to dance himself. “Oh, come on, buddy. When the music starts pumping, doesn’t it make you want to tap your feet?”

  “It makes me want to tap the off button on my screen.”

  The feed suddenly cut out as my HUD filled with static.

  “Hey, ERNI, what’s going on?”

  “I’m unsure, but it appears we’ve been cut off from the Slayer Data Network.”

  I tapped the gauntlet a few times, but the static remained across my HUD, along with the message:

  Data Feed Interrupted!

  G started sniffing the air, turning on his heels as if he were a bloodhound catching a scent.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  Suddenly, a green teleportation transport crystallized in front of us.

  “That’s strange,” I said. “It usually forms around us. Ooo, maybe it’s an in-game surprise?”

  “I hate surprises.” G growled, drawing his VengeAxe.

  It telescoped to full length, double axe heads popping out.

  The green chamber shimmered, then disintegrated in front of us, revealing—

  “BLADY!” G hissed.

  There stood Dom Blady, Jess, and Rod, pulse rifles drawn and aimed right at us.

  “You’ve done pretty well for yourself, kid,” he smirked. “Gotta admit, even I’m impressed.”

  “Where’s Sola?!” I snapped.

  “I told you. Warm and cozy on my ship, waiting for me.”

  SHIIING!

  I drew my pizza cutters.

  “Ah, ah, ah… Easy there, kiddo. You wouldn’t want to get a penalty.”

  Two refbots appeared, one on either side of his squad.

  “You guys going to let this happen?” I asked.

  But they just hovered there. No flags thrown. No penalties announced. Instead, one of them beamed a holographic feed of Commissioner Krivlax. He walked on the snow, his icy demeanor matching our surroundings. Green skin flickering as he flashed that needlepoint grin of his.

  “SackupSam, I underestimated you.”

  “This the only way you can win your games? By rigging them?” I seethed.

  “KRIVLAX!” G growled. “You destroyed my world!” He pointed at Blady. “And you killed my sister and her youngling!”

  G raised his VengeAxe and lunged forward. He froze, mid-air—held at bay, as if paused, by the other refbot’s stun beam.

  “Tsk… tsk… such a temper,” Krivlax wagged a finger. “Release him.”

  The refbot disabled the beam. G slumped to the ground, drained of energy. I looked from the refbots to Krivlax.

  “You’re blocking the feed so viewers can’t see this. You’re nothing but a bunch of cowards and cheats!”

  “What do you know of war, boy?” Krivlax chuckled. “Do you think this planet matters more than any of the countless others we have destroyed? What makes you so special? You fight for honor… justice… revenge?” He sneered. “This world is already dead.”

  G struggled back to his feet, woozy. He gasped, unsteady. “You must pay… for your crimes.”

  “Well, that’s just it.” Krivlax stood in front of him. “Those who win wars, make the laws… don’t they?”

  Krivlax walked to the edge of the cliff, peering over the horizon. “I’ll give your planet this—it dresses up nicely.”

  He waved a hand as he faded.

  “Kill them all.”

  Blady smiled, raising his pulse rifle.

  “NOOOOO!” G shouted.

  The three of them fired.

  G dove in front of me, hugging me with all four arms as the lasers struck his back. We tumbled over the edge of the cliff, falling down, disappearing into an icy ravine hundreds of feet below.

  THOOM!

  We landed at the bottom, with me on top of G. I looked up, but it was a complete whiteout. I couldn’t see Blady, Rod, or Jess, and they couldn’t see us.

  G was in terrible shape, blood pooling beneath his body in the snow. His health gauge flashed red with a—

  Critical Warning.

  “Oh, no, G! You gotta hang on, buddy!”

  He tried to speak but coughed up blood instead.

  “Hold on! Let me grab a med kit!”

  Count B wrapped vines around G’s wounds, applying pressure, but the blood was leaking too fast.

  “ERNI, what do I do?! What do I do?!”

  “I’m afraid that Gnarltharr is—“

  G clapped a hand on mine and shook his head. He gurgled with labored breathing and managed a few words.

  “War… rior’s… death… as… one…”

  I held his bloody hand. “As one.”

  I watched his health bar drained. It was nearly gone.

  “I can’t, G. I’m sorry.”

  I tapped his gauntlet, shoved the DNF Disc into his chest, and pressed the button.

  As his health bar emptied, he vanished.

  I didn’t know if I’d done it in time. I didn’t know if he would survive. I didn’t know anything about what was on the other side of a DNF.

  I just knew that my good and dear friend was gone.

  I stared at the large pool of blood in the bottom of the ravine. And there was something else—one of G’s teeth had fallen out. I picked it up and pocketed it.

  I looked at the play clock as it ticked towards the final minutes of the second quarter.

  And I vowed to make Blady and Krivlax pay.