I watched as the cyber-crabs closed in like a vice.
Pincer’s snapping.
Scrambling up the netting on stage, tugging at their tops, threatening to blow me and B into non-existence.
Only… that wasn’t me and B.
ME: …die you crabby bastards.
It was our digital decoys.
Click!
Remote Nova Charge Detonated!
KA-BOOOM!
Phantom Feint Play Completed.
B and I watched safely from the distance, as the entire stage erupted in an escalating chain of ‘crabsplosions.’
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
It was epic.
The only thing more epic would be “Eye of the Tiger” playing beneath it.
Tech crab bits flew through the air in slo-mo. Shells smacking other shells, as each crab eye stalk registered that “oh shit” moment just before being torn to bits by shockwaves.
Gooey crab brains splattered off the walls, ceiling, dripping from the curtains, steel truss work, and the invisible circular forcefield, protecting the now unencumbered orbs.
I sniffed the air, actually appreciating the unique blend of burnt silicon and boiled seawater.
I heard rattling and looked below.
One crab left.
Scorched. Hopelessly wriggling on its back. I observed it for a moment. Watching its legs claw the air. Knowing full well, if he righted himself, he would go right back to pursuing my immediate death.
I loomed over him, boot raised.
I waited until the little fucker looked me right in the eye.
“TIME FOR A HARD RE-BOOT!”
KRUNCH!
I ground my heel in his juices.
Victory! Cyber-Crabs Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Monster Mob.
Reward: +60,000 Points!
New Trophy! Shell Game SwitchUp.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
Auto-Looted Cyber-Crabs.
Items Acquired:
Crust Toothpaste (now, with more Sea Meat).
Melted Butter Cologne.
“I Can Stop Pinching” - A Self Help Manual.
I climbed on stage and deactivated the remote shield generator. The explosion had blown a clear path to the orbs. I handed them to Count B, who stowed them in the quest sack.
Mission Complete: Retrieve Orb x2.
Reward: +60,000 Points.
Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.
We gave each other a high leaf.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
The scoring zone indicator appeared on the map. 10 kilometers away. Oh boy… more fun on the Vegas strip.
----
As we walked, I couldn’t help but flip through some of the “I Can Stop Pinching” manual. It was fascinating—
“You must repeat your mantra daily…
‘I CAN SEE…
I can see…
…a CLAW FREE ME.
…a claw free me.
The first step toward recovery is admitting your pincers don’t control you.
YOU control your pincers.’”
“What an interesting approach to crustacean behavior modification,” ERNI commented.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
I turned the book over, marveling at the crab-faced author.
“Dr. Brineson Pinchoe — author of the interstellar blockbuster: ’Shell Yes You Can!’”
Hmm… might have to pick that up.
I stowed the manual, reflecting on the cyber-crabs.
“You know… one of those crabs had dreams. He wanted to better himself. He woke up, rubbed the crust from his eyes, and he read this book. He read this book and he said, ‘Today, I’m not gonna do what every other crab does. Today, I’m gonna be different. I’m going to be the change I want to see. I’m gonna go out there and I’m gonna—‘
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
KRUNCH!
He ain’t gonna do shit! Cause he’s dead. Dripping off my boot.
Man… it really makes you think.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Rude. You should read more. I suggest a book on improving your attitude.”
----
I kept the ISSN feed on while we picked our way down the strip, heading towards the scoring zone. The coverage was a frenzied, off-balance mixture of gore and score highlights, fan reactions, and announcements tracking the viral ramifications of The Sack.
For one, “a sack” was now a tracked sub-stat—even though I was the only warrior to ever successfully pull one off.
Literally and figuratively.
For his part, Blady had gone quiet ever since his unfortunate meme-ification. Likewise, Krivlax had kept a low profile, but I was certain he was using the silence to plot his revenge.
The fan support and pressure were out of this world. Literally.
My low profile had been magnified dramatically, in a mere number of hours. It had happened so fast, there was no way for Krivlax to keep me out of the spotlight now.
So I guess I wasn’t surprised when he appeared via an encrypted holo-call.
“Sam… or is it ‘The Sacker’ now? Congratulations on your recent achievement.”
He smiled, as icy as ever. His green skin had taken on a cooler hue with bluish undertones. His teeth were ground even sharper—as if that were possible—gleaming bright, even over holographic relay.
Krivlax brought up a screen showcasing protesters. Some held “Up Yours, Krivlax!” signs, while others wore “UYK!” shirts, the official abbreviation of the “Up Yours Krivlax” movement—a grassroots anti-ISL initiative that was gaining steam.
Krivlax chuckled, swiping the screens away.
“You certainly have a way with the audience. And it really is all about the audience… isn’t it? Which is why I’m here to put our past… misunderstandings behind us.”
“Misunderstandings? You tried to have me fucking killed. You destroyed my planet and killed my mother. We got BIG fucking problems, not misunderstandings.”
“That being so…”
He let the words drift like vapor in the air.
“… we must find a solution that serves our mutual interests. As commissioner of the ISL, I must do what’s best for the fans. And the fans have spoken. They love you and the plant. So. I wish to offer a ceasefire… and as a token of my goodwill—a gift which shall arrive shortly. I’m hoping we can look beyond our differences and see how we both may profit from mutual understanding.”
His holographic image slithered away into the ether.
Another private call. Another bribe offer. Another incoming “gift.”
Maybe… the business end of a flamethrower?
No matter what, the pressure was getting to him. The only question…
Was this the desperation of an emperor or the savvy plan of a grandmaster?
----
I double-checked my point total. This couldn’t be right.
Points: 6,015,000
“Such a high jump.”
“It was a result of this,” ERNI said bringing up my line-by-line score tally.
Savage Multiplier 10x Flashy Kill Bonus.
Reward: +750,000 points.
“Savage Multiplier? What’s that?”
“A bonus that first appeared with your Oblivotaur kill.”
“The Sack and The Sacrolux Gems.”
“Exactly. Apparently, once added to your inventory, the gems unlocked a previously hidden in-game scoring exploit. A 10 times points boost.”
“And this points boost… it’s legal… on the up and up?”
“According to my crosschecks. Though it was a hidden line of code, it authenticates with the official ISL codex, as authored by the Founders.”
“So for every one of these monsters I sack, we get this Savage Multiplier bonus?”
“It appears so. Though, it is an unproven theory for now.”
“Well there’s only one way to prove a theory, now isn’t there, ERNI?”
Count B punched a fist into his palm.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
This changed everything.
It was a way to the top…
…to meet Blady in the finals…
…and to shatter Krivlax’s invincibility.
Besides, as Count B and I had learned, the effects of the Sacrolux Gems diminished significantly somewhere around six hours after the host creature’s death.
Though there wasn’t an exact science to it, it was kind of like smooshed fireflies. Their tails burned on, slowly dimming—a fading ember of the beast’s power.
Our powers had definitely faded, though I kept a good 20% of my new muscle gains. And my voice remained deep, which was perfect for practicing my cheesy one-liners. And bad if you hated my cheesy one-liners.
For the first time, our new mission was clear.
“We’re gonna need more balls.”
I addressed the team as we walked, “I’m gonna go full sack.”
“Full sack?” ERNI asked.
“Full sack.”
“You’re quite sure.”
“Quite sure. Full sack.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
----
Krivlax didn’t take long in putting his gift out there for all to see.
Right there, in the center of the strip—a bright shiny equipment trunk, freshly seeded. The only thing missing was a greeting card.
I feigned robotic excitement for the video feed.
“Oh-look! An-equipment-chest! I-wonder-what-is-inside!”
COUNT BASIL: -leaf-leaf-leaf.
I popped open the trunk.
A magical light released with a glittery poof of digital fireworks as a glowing sword raised from the chest, hovering in the middle of the air.
It was beautifully crafted, forged from a single piece of steel, lovingly worked by skilled hands: hammered, burned, and shaped into the ultimate death instrument.
Its name glowed above it:
”The Sword of Scrotumis.”
I peeked at the ISSN feed.
Blink and Gill were covering this live as if this was my coronation or I was about to get dubbed into knighthood.
This was Krivlax’s very public olive branch. His way to swing the PR in his favor. To be the good evil king, bestowing the hero with a noble weapon.
I reached out and grabbed the sword from the air, hoisting it over my head.
I could see Krivlax now—excitedly flashing a thumbs up to his factory foreman. ‘Start production on the Sword of Scrotumis replicas.’ I could see them being shipped same-day delivery all across the multiverse. I could see him rubbing his green palms together, tossing credits into the air, lighting a Venusian cigar, slapping his meaty accountant on the back.
All of those riches… predicated on this moment… my acceptance of his gift.
Yeah… nah. Not goin’ out like that.
Instead, I chucked the sword over my shoulder.
CLANK!
“Ehhh… Too heavy… keepin’ my cutters.”
Blink and Gill went slack-jawed. The wormhole went crazy.
? KEEPINMYCUTTERS was trending.
The UYK clan rode the media blitz, clashing with GETM protesters, neither side knowing exactly what they were fighting for.
Rejecting the sword was a risky play, but it was also a no-brainer. The pressure and heat were building. Krivlax needed to show we were aligned. Show his army, that he was still in command, yet show his investors those promised boosts in share price.
It was a fucking powder keg, and Krivlax wanted to know if I would play ball.
Oh, I was playing.
Just not the way he wanted.
----
Mission Complete: Reach Scoring Zone.
The scoring zone indicator flashed hypnotically in the air. A green arrow pulsing downward right at the 'remains’ of the Bellagio.
The once-majestic hotel had been transformed into a twisted carcass of steel and concrete.
Its famous fountains sputtered, flinging their glops of people pudding into blackened pools of rot and debris.
The air hummed with decay and the sickly sweet smell of overcooked meat.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf?
“Yeah. I’m feelin’ it too.”
Something was definitely off. The air had gone still—way too fucking still. There was an eerie quiet. The kind that comes right before something terrible happens… like nature holding its breath.
I pulled out the Scrotalux Gems. Their aura was dim but not diminished.
I could feel their warmth pulsating against my palms. I closed my eyes and my heartbeat drummed in my ears as a familiar rush surged through my entire body.
Power coursed through me—my muscles swelling, veins bulging. I opened my eyes. Count B was holding the gems as well. His vines thickened into corded muscle, flexing with renewed strength. The gems were without glow now. I stowed them and we took a step forward, triggering the warning—
Mission: Kill Monster Boss.
The ground rumbled beneath us. Not a slight tremor—a full on earthquake.
ERNI: I have detected a seismic disturbance directly beneath—
ME: YOU THINK?!
CRRRRAAAAAAAACKK!
The pavement ripped open, spewing ‘people mush’ out like a festering wound. Manhole covers went flying. Steamy, jagged fissures spiderwebbed across the entire strip.
KA-BOOM!
The gloppy fountain exploded, sending chunks of marble, piping, and putrid goo skyward as a massive shadow tore through from below.
The beast growled as the ground ruptured even more.
Birth pains.
The disruption kicked up thick piles of ash, dusting me and Count B with people powder.
It was as gross as it sounds.
The monster roared again. Only… what emerged from the ground, wasn’t just a monster…
It was hell in the flesh.
