For years, I had beaten the shit out of pizza dough.
Maybe this was karma. Either way… the irony wasn’t lost on me.
SKKRRYYEEEACCHH!!!
The monsters chomped jagged teeth—molten marinara dripping from their gums.
Whoa! Talk about halitosis on a COSMIC level!
I glanced down at Slice—all bent and wobbly—but still spinning. Dice was intact, humming with lethal speed.
The closest kaiju threw a punch.
KRACK!
I rolled aside as its fist shattered the pavement.
SPLOICH!
I slashed open its belly.
Black slime spurted from the gash, steaming as it hit the pavement.
More concerning was the fact that the wound healed ALMOST INSTANTLY!
ME: WHAT’S IT GONNA TAKE TO KILL THESE FUCKERS?!!!
ERNI: Now Playing ’Die Hard’ by Kendrick Lamar.
KRIIING!!!
The mind leech bit deeper into my cerebral cortex.
“GAAAAH, YOU FUCKER!!!”
I clutched my head, dropping to my knees.
ERNI: I think I might have found a solution for our mind leech problem… but you may not like it.
A monster foot smashed down millimeters from my face.
ME: Try me! I’m pretty open-minded right now!
The first kaiju cocked its fist.
ERNI: Extreme mental trauma might disrupt the psychic link and dislodge the parasite. I have prepared an emergency protocol.
I glanced at my HUD, scanning the “Shock Therapy” sub-directive that ERNI was talking about.
ME: Wait, wait, wait… let me get this straight… You want me to SHOCK my brain?!
ERNI: Well… in scientific terms… Yes.
A notification flashed at the top of my HUD:
Symbiotic Data Harvest: 91% Complete.
Shit!
Soon, the mind leech would have total access to everything in my brain: plans, strategies, fears—all of it!
I backed up against a damaged building. The twin monsters rumbled in from both sides.
There was nowhere left to run.
ME: Alright, ERNI… give me a quick number crunch on Shock Therapy’s chances.
ERNI: Are you sure? In prior engagements, you have preferred that I not offer statistical analysis in the middle of a—
ME: RUN THE NUMBERS!!!
ERNI: I could give you a lengthy numerical answer or I could simply say—“DO IT!”
The moment I agreed with the thought, sharp prongs clamped down inside of my helmet, unleashing an electrical surge into my brain.
“GAAAAAAH!!!”
It felt like someone had poured molten lead inside of my skull. The shock scrambled my synaptic network, disrupting signals, creating a mental hailstorm.
YYYEEEAUGGGHH!!!
The mind leech shrieked.
“GETTT… THHHE… FFFUCK… OUTTT!” I growled through clenched teeth.
SKRREECHHKKTT!!!
I could feel its grip tearing loose as each of its slimy tendrils tore away from the fleshy edges of my brain.
WHUMPF!
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
My mental file cabinets slammed shut.
Symbiotic Connection: Severed.
A thick, black discharge oozed from my nose and ears as the remains of the mind leech dripped onto the ground.
I watched the fucker die in a twitching, gelatinous puddle.
The twin kaiju froze—our psychic connection cut.
“That’s right, YOU PIZZAS OF SHIT!!! You ain’t patched into ya boy no more!!!”
The pizza kaiju hissed—releasing more black mist, in an attempt to reestablish the link.
I wagged a finger.
”Uh-uhhhhhhh.”
This time, my Veil-Rift Visor was fully sealed, glowing orange in—
Targeting Mode.
The twin pizza kaiju raged at one another, confused and frustrated, their attack compromised.
“What’s the matter? Not getting head? Trust me… trillions can relate.”
The beasts gnashed their teeth.
I spotted a cluster of refbots observing the action in the air. Using the Veil-Rift Visor and a quick calculation, I slashed a power line and watched as it lassoed the refbots directly into the kaijuronis’ mouths.
“Ooooh! Now, that’s a penalty. But, who’s gonna throw the flag?”
“Looks like we’re gonna need more refbots!” Blink exclaimed.
“Bah!” Gill waved. “We didn’t need the ones we had!”
I closed my eyes for a moment and could almost imagine feeling something stir inside of the quest sack.
Count B…?
I paused for a fleeting instant—almost feeling him with me.
But, it wasn’t real.
In a moment of pure desperation, my mind had conjured up exactly what it thought I needed.
And you know what?
That worked for me.
I imagined Count B’s leafy presence, strong and steady at my back.
“Let’s do this, B!” I shouted, knowing he wasn’t actually there.
I leapt between the towering monsters.
A claw slashed past—
SKRRRRRIP!
—setting off an explosion of white-hot pain.
I looked down in shock. My right arm was gone, below the elbow.
Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!
Blood spurted from the stump as I collapsed to my knees. My world was spinning—vision blooming red at the edges.
Critical Injury Detected!
Automatic Cauterization Initiated.
PZZZZK!!!
”GAAAAAAHHH!”
Lasers from my armor sealed the wound with a sizzling hiss.
My forehead itched with sweat beads as I wrestled with a fever dream.
“Where did Count B go?!!”
ERNI: Sam, I believe you are in shock.
I blinked numbly at the space where my forearm should have been.
The twin monsters crunched closer.
I was down to one arm, one cutter, and rapidly fading strength. My fingers found their way to my necklace, grasping G’s tooth and my mother’s gaming pendant. I kissed each.
“I haven’t forgotten…”
I staggered to my feet, Dice humming in my left hand.
ERNI: Sam, I’ve detected a potential weakness in the creatures’ dual corporeal structure. The Dreadrazer appears to be maintaining twin forms using a single energy core and a split neural network.
ME: Whatzat now?
ERNI: Hurt one. Hurt both.
The kaiju charged in unison—their coordination backing up ERNI’s theory. The first swung a huge claw as the second opened its maw, blasting magma marinara.
BRAUUUGHHH!!!!
I tumbled beneath the first creature, tossing up a handful of Blady Bombs.
I slid clear as—
KA-BOOOOOM!
—the bombs erupted in a hellish fireball, flinging razor-sharp blades in all directions.
REAAOORRWWW!!!
The creature howled as an explosion tore through its leg, clipping it down.
The second kaijuroni shrieked—perhaps sharing the psychic pain from its brethren.
I leapt through the air, landing on the second kaiju’s back.
KLOIIIICH!
I jammed Dice into its spine.
The blade sawed through its flesh, spraying sizzling fluid—
REEAORHHH!
The creature thrashed wildly, but I held on tight to the cutter, as my weight and momentum did the rest.
Both monsters howled in synchronized agony as I carved a groove down the creature’s spine, dangling from its lower back.
The Veil-Rift Visor scanned its body, highlighting—
[PRIME TARGET!]
—dual gems of pulsating energy nestled between the beast’s legs.
- There they were—two big jewels near its groin.*
The Scrotalux Gems…
With every ounce of strength I had left, I lifted my legs, planting my boots against the creature. I thought about Mom. About Sola. About Count B. About G. About Jay. About everyone. And I kick-flipped away from the monster—
SPLOOSH!
—Ripping Dice free.
I tossed the blade at the targeting reticle.
SKLIIISCHHH!
The cutter lopped off the kaiju’s sack with a clean swipe, arcing back down to the handle in my glove.
REAOOOOAAA!!!
Both creatures howled as jizz-covered gems tumbled to the ground.
I used the opening, leaping up with a savage thrust. I drove Dice into the second kaiju’s scrote. The blade spun with brutal efficiency, sawing through its thick, rubbery flesh.
SPLORCHHH!!!
Its sack dropped as well.
Both creatures staggered as their crotches bled out molten cheese.
ME: Two veggie pizzas ready for the oven!
ERNI: Aye, aye, captain!
ERNI launched all of the remaining Blady Bombs.
I watched, seemingly in slow motion, as the silver ovals spiraled into the air, jettisoning their razor sharp fins like shrapnel, tearing through the monsters’ flesh.
Both creatures shrieked in perfect synchrony—as the Blady bombs tore massive chunks from their bodies.
More bombs detonated, vaporizing the remains in a spectacular blast that lit up the ruins of Tokyo.
Victory! Dreadrazer Defeated!
Mission Complete: Defeat Final Boss!
Reward: +5,000,000 Points!
Mega Flashy Kill Bonus!
Reward: +1,000,000 Points!
New Trophy! First Time Champion!
Reward: +100,000 Points!
Auto-Looted Dreadrazer.
Items Acquired:
Scrotalux Gems x2.
Cheesy Jokes for Parties, Volume 1.
You Have Reached Level 12!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Ballstrodamus’ to ‘Sackstronaut.’
New Abilities:*
+5% Faster Healing.
+5% Striking Power.
+5% Gem Essence Absorption.
+Lactokinesis.
ERNI: Congratulations, Sam! You have won Slayer Bowl!
ME: Thanks… but, what the hell is lactokinesis?
ERNI: It is the power to manipulate dairy-based products using your mind.
ME: Awww shit! Lemme at some chips and queso!
The Skybotron erupted with a collage of fan reaction shots. The viewers went nuts as Blink and Gill called the end of the game.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE MY EYES!” Blink shouted.
“A ONE-ARMED HUMAN HAS JUST WON SLAYER BOWL!”
“Ughhh… I think I’m going to be sick,” Gill moaned, before realizing he was live on camera. He popped upright. “NEVER DOUBTED THE KID!!! WAY TO GO, SAM!!!”
I dropped to my knees—spent and exhausted. I had given my all. I glanced down at the stump of my missing right arm as the green teleportation shell crystallized around me.
“And there he goes, folks!” Blink exclaimed. “Our Champion Warrior… off to meet the Commissioner in the Winner’s Circle!”