I didn’t get a wardrobe change. Lilith was stingy with the fabric budget. I’m still rocking my old yellow vest from the previous floor and my blood-stained jeans. I’ve got the Heart of Steel Necklace around my neck. It’s cold, heavy, and pulses gently against my skin. I check my stats to see if the jewelry is worth the headache.
[PLAYER STATUS]
Identity: Beno?t de Balzac | Race: Human | Age: 40
Class: Garbage Man | Rank: None
Global H(Human) Ranking: 3,745
Power: 153
[Attributes]
HP (Health): 910 / 910 (+600)
MP (Mana): 0 / 0
Attack: 82 (+42)
Magic: 0
Defense: 71 (+42)
Magic Defense: 0
Speed: 44 (+33) (46 km/h)
[Skills]
Observation of the Useless Level 1
Recycling Level 1
Public Nuisance Level 2
Sleeping Beauty’s Kiss (Legendary) Level 1
Lord of the Dancefloor (Epic) Level 1
[PROGRESS REPORT]
+500 HP (Heart of Steel Necklace) +
100 HP (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+30 Attack (Heart of Steel Necklace)
+12 Attack (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+32 Defense (Heart of Steel Necklace)
+10 Defense (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+30 Speed (Heart of Steel Necklace)
+3 Speed (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
I whistle. With a simple necklace, I went from a fragile rag to a sturdy punching bag. But my gaze stops on the last line. Lord of the Dancefloor. I click to see the details.
[Skill File]: [Lord of the Dancefloor] | Rank: Epic (Unique) Cost: 100% of your Dignity.
Description: The System imposes a cult choreography from Earth’s collective memory. The user must reproduce it instantly.
The Judge: The System rates the performance in real-time (Precision, Rhythm, Passion).
The Effect: On success, the target suffers a random [Catastrophic Penalty].
The Sentence:
- MISS: The skill is canceled. You look stupid. Cooldown: 5 minutes.
- Mediocre Success: Penalty from 1 to 5 seconds.
- Good Success: Penalty from 10 to 20 seconds.
- Perfect Success: Penalty of 1 minute.
- Cooldown on success: 1 hour.
I close the window abruptly, my face pale. “What a bitch…” I mutter. “She trapped me. Cost: 100% of your Dignity. She wants a court jester. If I want to use my Epic asset on a Boss, I have to perform a choreography in front of everyone. It’s performance blackmail.”
I shake my head to drive away that horrible image. I’ll only use it in case of extreme emergency. Like, apocalypse-level emergency. I turn toward Chris. He moves around, testing his armor, looking delighted.
“Alright. Let’s see what you’ve got in your gut. Show me the beast.”
[PLAYER STATUS]
Identity: Christian de Balzac | Race: Human | Age: 13
Class: Porter | Rank: None
Global H(Human) Ranking: 2,246
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
Power: 194
[Attributes]
HP (Health): 1,600 / 1,600 (+1,220)
MP (Mana): 500 / 500 (+500)
Attack: 45 (+10)
Magic: 0
Defense: 149 (+97)
Magic Defense: 0
Speed: 40 (+25) (45 km/h)
[Skills]
Logistics Resilience Level 1
Minor Interception Level 1
Equipment Cleaning Level 1
Worg Frenzy Totem (Epic) Level 1
Cursed Swamp Totem (Epic) Level 1
[PROGRESS REPORT]
+1000 HP (Life Necklace)
+220 HP (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+500 MP (Life Necklace)
+10 Attack (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+32 Defense (Guardian’s Bulwark Shield)
+50 Defense (Supple Plate Armor)
+15 Defense (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+25 Speed (Forced March Boots)
+5 Speed (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
“1,600 HP and 149 Defense?!” I choke. “You aren’t a tank, you’re a walking bunker! You can take a rhino charge without blinking!”
“I’ve got the Frenzy Totem and the Swamp Totem too,” he adds with a big smile. “I’m ready, Uncle Ben.”
Suddenly, Chris narrows his eyes while looking at the top of his window. “Hey! Uncle Ben! Look at the Global H Ranking!”
I look again. I hadn’t paid attention; I was too busy with my stats.
- Chris: Rank 2,246
- Me: Rank 3,745
“Are we… are we in the Top 4,000?!” Chris stammers.
I turn toward Kim, stunned. “And you, the pro? Show us your carry stats. And your rank.”
Kim displays her status with a professional air, but I detect a hint of pride in her gaze.
[PLAYER STATUS]
Identity: Kim de la Fayette | Race: Human | Age: 26
Class: Screaming Sentry | Rank: None
Global H(Human) Ranking: 2,547
Power: 174
[Attributes]
HP (Health): 400 / 400 (+400)
MP (Mana): 750 / 750 (+500)
Attack: 125 (+50)
Magic: 0
Defense: 49 (+5)
Magic Defense: 0
Speed: 75 (+40) (54 km/h)
[Skills]
Chaos Ballistics Level 1
Rupture Cry Level 1
Sniper Eye Level 1
Tracker Shot: The Joker’s Bullet (Epic) Level 1
[PROGRESS REPORT]
+300 HP (Light Precision High Armor)
+50 HP (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+500 MP (Light Precision High Armor)
+20 Attack (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
+30 Attack (Precision Gloves)
+25 Speed (Intervention Boots)
+15 Speed (Fierce Combat Room F to A)
“125 Attack… and 750 Mana,” I nod, impressed. “That’s clean. With your fire rate, you’re an automated turret.”
“And look at my rank,” she says, pointing at the line. “2,547.” She crosses her arms. “We made a monumental jump. We went from the anonymous mass to the world elite in a single floor.”
I clap my hands. “Alright. We’ve got a comp that looks like something. We’ve got a Wall, a Glass Cannon, and… me. We’re ugly, we stink, we’ve got shitty classes, but we’ve got stats. That’s all that matters. And this time, we’ve got a plan.”
I trace imaginary lines in the dust on the floor. “The Boss room is a trap. There are about 450 Orcs left. We eliminated about fifty before fleeing, but that’s still too many for a frontal assault. We have to play it strategically.”
I nod toward Kim. “Kim, you’re our priority. Your targets are the Fire Mages and the Archers in the back line. As soon as we enter, you pop your [Rapid Bite]. You take down five at once. If they can’t bombard us, we have a chance.”
Kim nods, face set. “Got it. I’m clearing the rear guard.”
I turn toward Chris. “You, you plant your [Cursed Swamp Totem] right at the entrance. We want them bogged down as soon as they charge. Then, you activate the Frenzy and you Tank. You don’t try to kill. You block, you push, you survive. You are the wall they crash against.”
“Got it, Boss!”
“And me… I’m going to go say hello to the King. I’ve got a score to settle with him and his little voice.”
I straighten up, smoothing my dirty yellow vest. I look at my team. They’re ready, but they still have fear in their guts. They need something. A morale boost. I take a deep breath, put a foot on the empty chest, puff out my chest, and look at the cave wall with a grave and inspired air.
“Listen well.” My voice resonates, deeper, more steady. “We took hits. We bled. We almost met our maker. They think they can break us. They think we’re just trash, porters, easy targets.”
I close my fist slowly in front of me. “But they forgot one thing. We are nuisances, the worst kind. Glory and gold, we don’t care about that. All that matters today is showing them that a shovel and a yellow vest are enough to bring an empire to its knees!”
I look Kim straight in the eyes. “If you’re hurt… hurt them back. If you fall… get back up.”
I turn toward Chris. “As long as one of us holds firm… we fight. We don’t give up anything. We go in together.”
I let a dramatic silence hang, waiting for the epic background music that does not come. Instead, my interface lights up, pouring out a stream of real-time mockery.
[Troll of Primordial Chaos]: “HELP! What is this cringe?! Is he waiting for Hans Zimmer to show up with an orchestra?”
[The Scarlet Sovereign]: “Even I have more presence when I’m drunk on deck! He’s a Dollar Store Captain America!”
[Goddess of Dramaturgy]: “Artistic score: 2/10. Lack of wind in hair and zero sound budget. Embarrassing.”
[God of Bloody War]: “Less talk, more blood! I’m falling asleep!”
I dismiss the notifications with an annoyed mental flick, my heroic pose collapsing a bit under the weight of the ridicule. Kim stares at me, one eyebrow raised, looking totally unimpressed.
“You really practiced the Captain America speech in the shower, didn’t you? That was Endgame, the Wish version,” she adds, sighing. “But hey… it’s got the merit of being clear.”
I look at Chris. He, on the other hand, is pumped up. His eyes are shining, fists clenched, ready to bite an Orc. “Let’s go! For Earth! For honor!” he shouts.
At least it worked on one of them. “Come on. Let’s move. We’ve got a vengeance to serve.”
I pause, hand on the handle. There is no way I’m going in on an empty stomach. I unscrew my flask and take a long, burning swig. The liquid resets my thoughts and scours my conscience. It’s the best buff in the game. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Now, I’m fired up.”
I push the secret door. We’re back in the arena of the Orc King. Time seems to have frozen. The Orcs are still there, probably celebrating our flight, screaming and beating their chests. The King is sitting on his throne, satisfied. I step three paces into the torchlight. I crack my neck.
“Surprise, you meatbags,” I shout, my voice echoing in the cavern. “We forgot to tip.”
Silence falls. Four hundred heads turn toward us. The Orc King stands up, furious, recognizing the three insects that escaped him. He raises his axe.
“ROOOOOAAAAR!”
The horde sets off. The earth shakes. It’s the same charge that almost killed us an hour ago. Except this time, we’ve changed the patch notes.
“Kid! Control the field!”