Divine magic, I realized as I crashed to the ground, taking a few points of fall damage. Someone had gone ahead and snagged Divine powers from the Gem Baths. That stuff usually presented as wind-type magic early on, and it was probably the strongest starting Aspect.

  Was I the only Hunter left who couldn’t cast magic?

  Back on the wall, the Riftguards were suddenly active again. Whoever had attacked me was trying to get past them, but this area was forbidden to people without the Infernal Riftguard Key. Any approaching Hunters now had four level-40 guys to deal with. I should be safe… for now.

  I got to my feet as Hergvor landed next to me, as graceful as a cat. The bearded man straightened, and I opened his info-box and changed his Task again: Heal Me.

  Hergvor froze in place, and instantly he started punching the air at me, casting heal spells the only way an Infernal could. Since Infernal magic was mostly melee-based, it didn’t come with many heal spells, but there was one early-game spell that worked well. He was using that on me now.

  As the Fire-type heal burned into me, I felt a tickling sensation. The Bleed alarm stopped, finally, and my health started to climb again. I almost dropped to my knees in relief.

  Before I could, though, I felt an odd rushing in my head. My vision blurred, and all my attention suddenly centered on a spot just ahead of me, at the base of the wall. I couldn’t move.

  The Game Host started speaking.

  Achievement! The Dunning-Krueger Effect!

  You have come within 10HP of dying due to the effects of a skill! You’re not nearly as skilled as you thought, eh? Better tread carefully with Bleeder from now on.

  Wait—darn! I guess we aren’t going to be able to get into BDSM now. One bite from me, and you’ll be bleeding all over the sheets. Dream ruined. I’ll never forgive you.

  Reward: Forget Skill Orb.

  Achievement! Ker-plunk!

  You have taken fall damage! Oh, sweetie. That’s how hard you fell for me…? I’m touched. I guess I can forgive you after all. Let’s have lots of makeup sex later.

  Reward: Slowfall Orb.

  Achievement! Curb-Stomp!

  You have stomped another Hunter to death! Be careful, that might just give me a foot fetish. You know what they say about AIs and foot fetishes. You’re lucky you still have those fancy dress shoes on, or I might have to start getting weird.

  Reward: A Red Brutal Drop!

  The whole time the Game Host spoke, I remained inert. Even my heart didn’t pound, but the rest of me managed to panic just fine.

  Shut up! Let me out of here! They could show up any moment!

  The words raged through my mind, but I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. Then, just as suddenly as it had happened, it stopped.

  My vision un-blurred. My breathing restarted. I could blink and feel my own pulse again.

  What in the hells was that?

  “Remnant!” Dave cried, his voice dipping as he swooped past me. “There are three Hunters on the other side of that wall! They’re working together!”

  “What?” I said, but I was already breaking into a run, diving into the forest. I did the mental-click thing, switching to Whispers:

  Remnant: I thought the whole point was for us to kill each other?

  Fuck You Dave: Sometimes they team up. It’s temporary, but against Remnant, it’s common.

  Remnant: Jesus. What the fuck did this guy do to make everyone hate him so much?

  Fuck You Dave: He won this damn thing nine times, Talon. Do you have any idea how many people he killed?

  I swallowed. Already, I’d come up against two people wanting revenge, one for a whole host of people, and the other for his king. I might have assumed the most powerful identity in all of Trash Planet history, but it was also the most hated.

  Fuck You Dave: It’s not even about hate, not all the time. You’ll never be weaker than you are right now, at the start of the game. If they can beat you now, then they have an actual chance of winning.

  The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  Fuck You Dave: You’re also a meaty target. You’ve got good loot and 4 Hunter points on you. That’s worth 4 stat points. Those mean a lot, this early in the game.

  Remnant: I’m up to 4 now?

  Fuck You Dave: You know, you should learn to read at some point. I’m not your whale-fucking accountant.

  Remnant: What do whales have to do with anything?

  Fuck You Dave: Trust me, you don’t want to know.

  I shook my head and then stopped, ducking into a thicket. Hergvor hadn’t followed me. Damn it, I had to go back for him.

  Wait, I thought. Maybe Dave had a point. I kept my head still and scanned through the icons in my HUD, and there it was, my Conscript icon. I selected it, which opened a menu. It showed a list of all my Conscripts, in order of level. The Kitty Scouts and Seth were all grayed out, but Hergvor still sat at the top. I expanded.

  “Thank the gods,” I said. I could alter his orders from here. I tapped the Help me fight option, then paused, listening. Before long, I heard Hergvor’s heavy footfalls making their way toward me through the forest.

  He was loud, and I got chills as I scanned the forest around us. The Tenhua tribespeople and their nightpanthers could be anywhere, and they could be in their 40s, level-wise. It hadn’t been smart to rush in here, but we’d gotten lucky. So far, I hadn’t aggroed anyone.

  I still had a few seconds before Hergvor arrived, so I pulled out my katana and scanned its description. I wanted to know why it hadn’t worked as well as my foot had. I wasn’t even wearing enchanted shoes, just the dress shoes the blackshirts had given me.

  Bell Katana (Red Grade).

  1-Handed Sword.

  - +2 Damage

  - Damage dealt according to Dexterity stat instead of Strength stat

  - +10 damage against cats

  I cursed. The damage of melee weapons depended on Strength, unless otherwise noted. This was a case of “otherwise noted.” I’d found a Dexterity-based weapon, because of course I had.

  I took it off another Hunter. He’d probably wanted it that way.

  Trying again, I checked the pike that I hadn’t been able to lift.

  Leafdragon Pike (Green Grade)

  2-Handed Spear.

  - +12 Damage

  - Nature infusion

  - +30% damage against dragons

  - WARNING: Requires 25 Strength to wield.

  Well, that was nice and shiny, but I definitely didn’t have 25 Strength. Wonderful.

  Hergvor arrived, and I knew I shouldn’t spend too much time poking around my inventory, but I was feeling naked. I sorted my inventory quickly to armor, and blinked. I’d totally forgotten about the near-full set of Riftguard armor I’d obtained from all those quests.

  The items were red, thick plate metal, and I already knew from experience that each one improved Armor by 10 for each piece you had equipped from the same set. I couldn’t equip the helm or the breastplate, since those slots were taken up by my NerveGear suit, but I threw on the amulet, gauntlets, and boots by tapping Equip on each one. Instantly, my Armor jumped up by 90 points, meaning I would have to take 90 damage before anyone even got to my health points and triggered my unwanted Bleeder effect.

  The equipping process was just like it was in the game, which was to say, it was pretty heckin strange when it happened to me in real life. Hitting Equip automatically put the clothing on me, and it fit perfectly. The equip function also swapped out my dress shoes for the Riftguard Greaves automatically, dropping the dress shoes into my inventory, while the new greaves materialized on my feet. They weren’t particularly comfortable, a little clunky even, but they gave me actual armor, and that was worth it.

  I then threw on the Dragonscale Shield for good measure, and when I tested the weight, it allowed me to hold it. I stored that the way I had in the game, by throwing it over my shoulder. It vanished, but I could draw it again, just like the katana.

  I had some basic knives and a basic spear, but even though the katana was based off Dexterity, it was still +10 base damage against cats. Since we were about to fight some nightpanthers, I figured that might be the best weapon I had.

  All this, I managed in a little over a minute. Dave’s shadow passed by overhead, and despite the distance, I heard his voice low in my ear:

  “They’ve managed to kill one of the guards. Three left.”

  “Time to level?” I asked.

  “It would be a risk. Poop sticks, I think I see something coming.”

  Once again, I’d have to put off my actual level-ups. If I hadn’t leveled so damn fast, maybe I could have actually benefited from leveling. At least I had the Riftguard armor. It made up a bit for my shortfall in stats.

  “What’s coming? Where?”

  “Eight o’clock!”

  I spun, ducking slightly behind Hergvor to pull up his info box. I switched him back to healing, because as much as I wanted help with these Tendua people, I knew my Bleeder was more dangerous to me. I needed Hergvor to keep me alive.

  He stiffened, planted in place for his Task, and I crept ahead of us in the direction Dave had given me. The thick forest opened up, but only slightly, just enough for me to see the yellow flash of the creature name that hovered above every mob.

  I didn’t catch the word, nor the level beneath it, but I crouched slow and slunk forward. I had originally wanted to use this forest simply for leveling, but with the other three Hunters teaming up, I couldn’t do that anymore. Now, I had two choices: I could actually fight the Tendua, or I could run back to Radix and try to scale the wall, leaving the other Hunters to die trying to find me in this death trap of a forest.

  I went still. Actually… that’s probably the best idea here. With the Infernal Riftguard key, all the guards in Radix will be happy to let me back over the wall. I just have to figure out how to climb the thing.

  I had just about resigned myself to giving it a try, when I heard the low growl of an animal. My mouth went dry.

  “What is it, girl?” a woman’s voice said. They were close now, mere feet away from me. I reached forward with the katana to part a few leaves, trying to see their level and name.

  A brown-skinned woman stood in front of me, scantily clad in a tanned fur tube top and a grassy furred skirt. She held a spear out in front of her with both hands, beads dangling from its haft. Her hair was wild and dark and bushy, and she wore a headband and about a thousand necklaces that seemed to have been made from teeth and wooden beads. There were also some feathers sticking out of her hair.

  I blinked. She looked like a stereotype come to life. I’d never actually fought the Tendua in Seven Keys, and I’d had no idea they were this… bad. My tiny percentage of Potawatomi blood went a little hot at the sight of her. I’d never felt appropriated before.

  When the woman turned her face in my general direction, I realized she wasn’t brown, she was white, just suntanned. Her eyes were blue and her hair was blonde, just so greasy that it had looked dark. She might have had a pretty face, but she was covered in dirt. Seriously, Seven Keys? You couldn’t do better than—

  My thoughts died when I saw it: a Conscript icon above her head.

  She—she’s Coreless! A human without an ID….

  I had found another leech, this time inside the game. I pulled my arm quietly back. Now, if I could just get her to trust me—

  My katana bumped a tree root. The little bell jangled.

  With a roar, the woman’s nightpanther pounced.