Chapter 10: The Rage Baiter Gladiator

  I wake up to something soft and wet on my face. Opening my eyes, I find the black nose of LS poking my forehead curiously.

  “Don’t eat me please,” I say, groggily, sitting up.

  In my head, I get a feeling of amusement and… happiness? That’s… kind of terrifying. LS nuzzles closer to me and chuffs affectionately.

  “What’s got you in such a good mood?”

  In my head, I see a very distinct image of Little Shit, standing on top of a mountain of bodies.

  “Oh. You’re happy cause you got to kill a bunch of things. That’s… in character.”

  Little Shit gives my arm a playful nip, then climbs onto my head and lies down. She is quite a bit bigger than my head (she’s the size of a small husky), and so her arms hang down in front of my face, partially obscuring my vision. She’s a hat now I guess. This is fine. I walk over to the portal, take a deep breath, and walk through. Immediately, I shade my eyes, as the world I walk into is fucking BRIGHT! I feel sand under my feet, and looking around, it becomes immediately apparent where I am. A huge circular arena of sand, high stone walls surrounding it, and extending from the stone walls are stands filled with the screams of excited fans. Hovering in the air in every direction are flying cameras, all pointed at me. A massive booming voice sounds out from seemingly all around me.

  “LADIEEEEEEES AND GENTTTTTTTLEMEEEEEEEEN! OUR NEWEST CONTESTANT HAS JUST ARRIVED!!!!! HAILING FROM THE PLANET EARTH IN THE MILKY WAY GALAXY, STANDING 5 FEET, 9 INCHES TALL, WEIGHING IN AT 148 POUNDS… CALVINNNNNNNNN XENOSSSSS!!!!”

  Oh great, I’m on reality TV. I fucking hate reality TV. Oh well, I suppose I either curl up into a ball and have LS take me to victory, or… or I can make this the worst reality TV show of all fucking time. I think we both know what I’m gonna choose. Ok, step one, I use telekinesis to crush all of the cameras.

  “STOOOOOOOP! STOOOOOOP!”

  A 7 foot tall teddy bear in a tuxedo rushes out onto the sand, waving their paws. They come up to stand in front of me.

  “Mr. Xenos, why did you do that? Don’t you know how much those cameras cost?”

  “Not a clue. How much do they cost?”

  “They cost 30,000 credits! Each!”

  “Ok. So what?”

  They look at me, rage filling their black marble eyes, and scream out in anger.

  “WHAT DO YOU MEAN SO WHAT!?!?” The bear takes a deep breath, visibly forcing themself to calm down. Internally, I’m laughing my ass off, but I keep a perfect deadpan on my face. “Listen, let’s start over. Hello Mr. Xenos. I’m Larry P. Honey, the showrunner of this season of the Death Games. I would greatly appreciate it if you didn’t disrupt the show, as that would be better for everyone involved. Do you understand?”

  “I understand perfectly.”

  Larry breathes a sigh of relief, and touches a paw to one of his massive fluffy ears. “Ok, send out some new cameras, and we’ll take it from the top. Yes Dennis, I know doing the voice hurts your throat but just bear with me ok? NO THAT WAS NOT A FUCKING PUN!”

  Larry rushes back out of the arena, and several more camera drones fly out. As he disappears around a corner, I hear his fading voice say, “Rolling? Good! Take two.”

  “LADIEEEEEEES AND GENTTTTTTTLEMEEEEEEEEN! OUR NEWEST CONTESTANT HAS JUST ARRIVED!!!!! HAILING FROM THE PLANET EARTH IN THE MILKY WAY GALAXY, STANDING 5 FEET, 9 INCHES TALL, WEIGHING IN AT 148 POUNDS… CALVINNNNNNNNN XENOSSSSS!!!!”

  I wave politely to the stands, maintaining my perfect deadpan and using as little showmanship as possible, doing my best impression of robotic movement.

  “AND FACING HIM IN OUR FIRST ROUND… THE TERROR FROM THE TRENCHES OF SANCTORIUS V! THE BLOODY BEAST OF THE BLACKWIND BASTION! THE NEWBIE KILLER WITH A 17 MATCH WIN STREAK! BELNOOOOOOOOOOO SILICASS.”

  Out from the same tunnel Larry left into stomps a massive 30ft tall lizard man. As soon as he gets out of the hallway, without waiting for any sort of go ahead from production, I immediately break all the cameras again, and before they can replace them, I throw a bunch of sand into the air to block spectator vision, crush crush the lizard man’s heart with telekinesis, and toss his body out of the arena so it looks like nothing happened.

  The arena goes deathly quiet. Someone in the stands says, “...what happened?”

  Then, from somewhere in the bowels of the structure, I hear a voice that is distinctly Larry’s.

  “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK”

  I can’t hold it in anymore. I start rolling around in the sand, laughing my ass off. I hear a massive explosion, and startled, I look up. Bursting through the side of the arena, is Larry P. Honey, but now he is about 3 times his previous size, and his tuxedo is ripped to shreds.

  “YOU’RE GONNA REGRET THAT YOU MOTHERFUCKER!”

  “Oh yeah? You gonna fight me? Is it gonna get… grizzly?”

  “I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!”

  As Larry rushes towards me, I reach a hand up and poke LS. I feel her stir and hear a little grumble as she wakes up. I get a feeling of disgruntled curiosity in my head, as if she wants to know what is so god damn important that I had to wake her up. I point to the giant fluffy bear coming towards us.

  “Little Shit, eat his face.”

  Over the thread connecting me and LS, I receive a slowly growing sense of amusement, and then with a BOOM that makes my hair wave frantically in the wind, LS shoots off my head and towards Larry.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WAIT! HOLD ON! WE CAN TALK ABOUT THI-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

  Y’know what the first thing I thought when I saw Larry was? When he gets cut, is it blood or stuffing that comes out? Turns out, it’s bloody stuffing. Go figure! Alright, now to track down the bosses. I run past LS, who is still ripping red dripping fluff from Larry’s corpse, and begin flying down the hole that Larry made.

  After only a few seconds of flying, I find myself in a gym style locker room. Red lockers line each wall, with benches in front of them. Sitting on the benches are various fighters and monsters. There is what looks like a 9 ft tall cthulhu type creature wearing a red cape and a party hat who is playing with a fidget spinner, a full gothic vampire scrolling on an iphone, three hellhounds jumping around a single cerberus with each cerberus head playing with a hound, several automatons with machine guns, a barbershop quartet warming up in beautiful harmony, and a single human middle aged woman with a tray of makeup, frantically moving from person to person, fixing wardrobe tears and freshening blushes.

  “Ok, who here is the boss, and who is the hidden boss? The easiest way this goes is for you to just fess up, then nobody else has to get hurt.”

  All of the people in the room (except for the makeup artist, who is seemingly busy fixing the eyeliner on a hellhound) turn to look at me. The cthulhu looking fella speaks up, turning to the makeup artist.

  “Sharon, who the hell is this guy? And where is Larry?”

  The makeup artist, Sharon apparently, turns and looks at me for the first time.

  “Sir, please return to the arena, the fighters will come to you when the time is right. If you don’t know the way, I’m sure Mr. Honey will be here any moment to escort you back.”

  “Sorry Sharon, but if by Mr. Honey you mean Larry the teddy bear, he’s dead I’m afraid, due to badger related injuries. In lieu of a showrunner, the show has been canceled, but I still have to kill some bitches to get out of here, so I’ve decided to take things into my own hands. If whoever the boss and hidden boss are don’t speak up quickly, I’m just gonna have to kill everyone, which, as an upstanding citizen, is certainly not my preference.”

  Sharon, to my surprise, doesn’t bat an eye.

  “That’s a real shame, but no bosses here, please leave, or I will have to get security to escort you out. Don’t worry though, I will also call animal control for that badger problem you mentioned.”

  Though Sharon looks as cool and calm as a cucumber, I can see the fighters in the room exchange worried glances. I turn to the cthulhu guy.

  “How about you? You look like a guy who knows something.”

  I release my killing intent and everyone in the room is rooted to the spot. The guy begins sweating profusely, his tentacles quivering.

  “I-I-I don’t know anything, I swear!”

  I step closer to him, summoning a ball of mana above my hand.

  “WAIT WAIT I’LL TELL YOU.”

  I dissipate the mana, waiting for him to continue. Sharon’s voice rings out, though it sounds forced, as if her jaw is clenched tightly.

  “Shut up Maurice. Don’t tell him shit.”

  I raise an eyebrow at him, and summon the mana ball again.

  “I-I’m sorry Sharon, but he’ll kill me! The boss is Larry! I swear! And the hidden boss is-”

  CRUNCH

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  Just as Maurice was about to finish speaking, his head burst like a grape, fish smelling brain spewing everywhere. Where his head used to be, a massive lobster claw is instead. The claw is attached to a long insectoid arm, and at the end of the arm… is Sharon, her normal human arm having transformed.

  “GOD DAMN GIRL! You been working out or what?”

  Obviously, I inspect her, and sure enough…

  Fifth Floor Hidden Boss

  Sharon the Matron of Blood - Lvl. 26

  “Holy shit your title is metal as fuck! How do I get that?”

  She looks at me, annoyed.

  “If I tell you, will you leave and not kill me?”

  I think about it.

  “Sure. As long as you don’t lie anyway. And it’s something I can get.”

  She sighs.

  “Well shit, you won’t be able to get it. It’s only for women. All you have to do is start an orphanage and raise the children to be soldiers.”

  “Holy shit! Wait, is that how this show gets fighters? That’s kinda fucked up! Title is still metal as fuck though. Anyway, yeah I’m gonna kill you now. Any last words? Witty barbs? Requests for me to ignore?”

  She rolls her eyes.

  “Fuck you. Just get it over with.”

  “Y’know, fair enough.”

  I walk out of the room, the fine red mist that used to be Sharon left behind, drifting through the air. I walk back out to the arena. Nobody follows me. I find Little Shit curled up quite comfortably in a bed of bloody stuffing. In the middle of Larry’s corpse, is a manhole sized red felt heart.

  “Oh shit he was a Build-A-Boss. That’s kinda awesome actually.”

  I look into the center of the arena, and sure enough, a portal waits for me there. I take a deep breath, both yearning and dreading stepping through. I look at LS, still napping. Y’know what, I’ll let her get some more rest. While I wait for her to wake up, I’ll do one last check for the gains over the last couple levels. I pull up my character sheet and notifications.

  Congratulations! Your Familiar Has Killed the Floor 5 Boss: [Larry P. Honey Lvl. 25]

  You gain 500000 exp

  Congratulations! You Have Killed the Floor 5 Hidden Boss: [Sharon the Matron of Blood Lvl. 26]

  You gain 1000000 exp

  You Have Leveled Up!

  You Are Now Level 32!

  You Have Leveled Up!

  You Are Now Level 33!

  Nice! Solid gains all around. Also, I can now confirm that LS is pumping her free points into her stats (it looks like she’s bumped willpower for the last few levels). I sit there for a while, playing around with mana in my hand, figuring out exactly how much stronger I’ve gotten since the level 30 threshold. Turns out, a lot stronger. I can now summon just shy of five hundred fireballs at once without feeling a huge strain. Just as I’m about to start a new experiment, I feel LS land on my head and poke me with her nose. I guess that means it’s time to go then. I stand up. I can feel my heart beat speed up as I walk towards the portal. The world narrows to a point. This is it: homeward bound. I stop just before the portal, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. I step through.