“I can see again!”
While I was lost in my memories, Nelson woke up from his time-out slumber, swinging himself up with a kip-up. “Let’s check my delicious new skill!”
[Blessing of the Goddess of Death and Rebirth: Russian Roulette]
[Passive]
[Description: Exploiting your buffoonery never was this (un)safe]
[Effects:
Chance to resist fractures and DoT: +35%.
100% death-blow avoidance once per day.
Death’s Door: Chance to resist deadly blows when under 1% HP: +83%.
Must support Frank during missionary work or you’ll permanently lose 1 cm of manhood per refused request.]
His face beamed as he read the absurdly broken effects. But the final line struck him with horror, and he sprinted toward me, yelling:
“Frank, Grimmy’s blessing—”
His complaint died the moment he saw me. My body was covered in uneven bloodstains, with patches of unsettlingly clean skin.
He scanned the surroundings, finding small chunks of meat, broken nails, and bloody hair strewn all around.
“WHAT THE FUCK,” he shrieked after noticing an unholy totem: a pair of severed arms—one larger than the other. The bigger hand clamped the smaller one from behind, fingers interlocked, both bound in a gruesome tangle of bloodied black hair.
His scream snapped me back. I jumped to fetch them and placed them into Helena’s Bag?.
He shuddered, trying not to imagine what horrors I’d experienced. He forced himself to think of something else and grabbed his bag, pulling out his clothes—a pair of crude brown wool pants with uneven seams and a “crotch pouch” for easy peeing, held up by a leather belt. A sleeveless T-shirt of “aged white” wool and a pair of brown turn shoes completed the set
I grabbed mine too—similar pants, but stained and worn-out; a tattered T-shirt full of holes; and no shoes.
“This is bullshit! Why did I get a hobo outfit?!”
Nelson’s delusion engine was running at full force as he pulled a zweihander out of the bag. His eyes sparkled like a kid getting his dream gift on his birthday.
“Just a bit more, and I’ll start my hero’s journey.” He stretched, warming up for the incoming shitstorm. “This was a fucking shitshow of an isekai summon, but now it’s our time, Frank! Let’s steamroll Isekailand!”
‘A loud idiot until the end.’ I envied him a little—just a little.
“And if we ask Grimmy for guidance, it’ll be a piece of cake!” Nelson had already planned our entire course of action.
“Helena—” I caught myself and quickly corrected the name, saving it for more intimate moments.
“Lady Helena won’t be able to aid us,” I confessed, a dull melancholy settling in.
“What? Why?”
I began to craft a believable excuse. “Well, she—” But my mind flashed back to our “pillow talk.”
“Frank~! I overdid it!” Helena lay bare on my chest, exhausted from the unholy ritual we’d just performed. Her head rested against me, savoring the lullaby of my heartbeat.
“That is an understatement, Helena. How many lines did you cross?” I massaged her scalp tenderly while my other arm held her lower back, enjoying her coldness.
“Uhm—forced manifestation~, extreme violence against a mortal for any reason other than punishment~, violation of three segments of the Supreme Father Decree~, the Zeus Law~, and other stuff~!” She confessed cheerfully, jabbing her finger into my chest as if listing minor inconveniences.
“You don’t sound repentant at all,” I retorted.
“Because I’m not~!” She giggled, kicking her feet in the air.
“Anyways~! The Supreme Father is angry~. My actions will be heavily limited,” she said, pouting.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
“Oh no—my dear Helena won’t be able to treat my heart like a stress ball. Tragic.”
Her living hair bolted into action, tugging my ears—very tame for her usual antics.
“Fine, fiiiine. I’ll miss you. Happy now?” I replied, exasperated.
“Very much~! Hehehe.” She snuggled against me for a moment before continuing. “My influence on Weltsieb— Isekailand is very weak~. That’ll make it even more difficult to contact you~.”
“How long?” I tightened my embrace.
“Let’s see~ around two years~? You may hear my giggles after a year or so!”
“Oh, my brain won’t have a freeloader for a year? Nice.” I couldn’t quite hide the pang of sadness. I never liked goodbyes.
“Oh my~ missing me already~?” Helena lifted her torso, placed her hands on my shoulders, and stared right into my eyes.
I returned her gaze—then broke contact, my eyes drifting down to her mosquito bites.
“Do my eyes unsettle you~?” she asked, teasing.
“Nope. I’m just drawn to your barren plains,” I confessed, meeting her gaze again as I cupped her cheek.
“Hehe, your fanaticism puts me at ease~. Goddesses with plains are as scarce as my bosom~!” Her giggles turned sinister; her mischievous smile sharpened as her claw-like nails dug into my skin, threatening to tear it. “But they exist…”
‘Shit. Active psycho-girlfriend handling protocol.’ I kept a stoic face as her madness rained down on me.
“Frank, I don’t mind you partaking in debauchery with mortals, but you must never cater to other goddesses.”
Her living hair snared my neck and tightened, inch by inch.
I sighed, measured, fighting down the primal fear of asphyxiation. “Jesus Christ, calm down. I won’t drill any other goddesses. I won’t even say good morning first. Happy now?”
Her living hair loosened, and she went for another shoulder bite. Expecting my flesh to tear, I braced—only for her to nibble softly, like a toothless vampire. In response, I returned to caress her scalp.
“You keep invoking the Supreme Father’s Son’s name.”
“Well, I may be a stray sheep, but I’m still a— Wait a bloody second—Supreme Father’s Son? Is he—”
“Drop it, Frank.”
Her tone was commanding—terrifyingly cold. I heeded her and steered the conversation away.
“Helena, on a scale from 0 to ‘I’ll behead you and take your head on a romantic boat ride,’ just how jealous are you?”
“Mmm— I’d fragment your soul, then give each piece a different punishment~! And I’d make sure they got just enough rest so they never got used to it~!” She cupped my cheek and gave me a nose kiss. “That’s the bare minimum for committing heresy. But my dear Frank wouldn’t commit such a blunder, riiiiiight~?”
“Oh, you’re the measured-crazy type, huh?” The worst kind of crazy.
“Busted, hehehe~.” She chirped as she straddled my waist.
“You didn’t answer my question, Frank.”
“I got you. Why would I need another goddess?” I kept my hands firm on her waist and held eye contact.
“Oh my~, so zealous!” She smiled, satisfied—then her eyes narrowed in annoyance. “Too bad our sweet entanglement is almost over~.”
“Can’t we get an extension?” I groaned.
“Nope~.” She smiled. “Spread my influence in Isekailand and I may squeeze your heart earlier than expected~.”
“How long until I can manifest you like this so you can squeeze my son instead?”
Helena’s face sparkled with mischief. “Work hard, Frank~.”
My response was a confident gaze—and a butt squeeze.
“Don’t rush, okay~? If you spread it too quickly, you’ll trigger a holy war against yourself. And at the moment, you are veeeery weak~.”
I said nothing. I just listened.
“Enjoy your second chance, my lovely missionary~. Let loose, grow stronger, spread my cult~. Be the second coming of Genghis Khan. Become the world’s greatest enemy—or a simple family man~. You have almost complete freedom to do as you please~!”
She gave me a lingering kiss and guided my hands to her flatness before tracing a finger down my chest. Skin, muscle, and bone split. Her living hair slithered into the wound, forcefully prying it open—exposing my heart.
“I’ll set my temple here. I’ll be watching it aaaaaall~ even if I can’t actively interfere~.”
“A bit controlling, don’t you think?” Oh God, it hurt, but I endured it.
“You’re worth the trouble~.” She smiled—and kissed my heart.
“Let me amuse myself with your silliness~. Summon me, and let us devour each other again and again~.” Her tone grew madder. “Earn my support, and don’t commit heresy against me.”
Her body darkened, turning to dust. Every speck drifted toward my heart and the surgical wound, sealing it shut—leaving a faint, slightly paler scar.
‘It’s really cozy in here~.’
‘Crazy little thing.’ I patted my chest.
‘I love you too~.’
“She what?” Nelson snapped me out of the bittersweet memories.
“She broke some rules to finish the Hexabitch job and got punished. I’m free of her torment, heh.” I tried to sound pleased.
Nelson didnt bought my bullshit.
“Frank,” he asked, curiosity lighting his face.
“What?”
“You’ve got the ‘banged a flattie’ smile on. Did you…?”
“Don’t ask the obvious.” I gave him the biggest shit-eating grin.
Before we could continue, our bodies shimmered—the teleportation spell had begun.
“OOOOOOH!” Nelson yelled like a hyped gorilla.
“Finally out of this bugged piece of shit.” I exhaled, patting my chest.
“This is it, Frank! I can feel it!” Nelson jumped like a kid.
“Feel what? How much shit will we eat?”
He masterfully ignored me and kept yapping.
“First, we hit up the big-tiddy guild receptionist. Then we loot the idiots who show up for the novice-beating ritual. We scout a shoelacer to handle logistics. We keep him happy with praise and whores—or with dick and jewelry if she’s a girl.”
“Two Isekai dollars says we get summoned straight into a goblin nest.”
“Then we hit the slave market and buy the girl with the biggest rack!”
Two monologues disguised as a discussion ensued.
“I hope Isekailand has decent booze.”
“Then we extort the corrupt nobles—then expose them anyway!” Nelson’s eyes sparkled.
“I’ll fucking die without caffeine.” I kneaded my temples.
“I’ll name the party Nelson and His Bitches.”
“Do that, and I’ll knock you out and leave you in a gay orc nest.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“A famine-struck country should have plenty of flatties, hehe—”
A slightly bony hand squeezed my heart. The sudden pain made me jump.
‘You said mortal women were okay, you little shit!’
‘They are, but~ I never said I wouldn’t be jealous~.’ She giggled as usual.
‘Helena,’ I said flatly.
‘What is it, Frank~?’
‘I’ll be going. See you soon.’
‘Aw, my grumpy Frank is trying to be a sweetheart,’ she mocked me tenderly. ‘See you soon~.’
‘Annoying until the very end.’
‘I love you too~.’
With that, my senses cut out for a couple of seconds. When they returned, I was greeted with the view of a forest—rapidly approaching—and I doubted I could pull an Alan Magee.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—”