1st Quarter: 24:53:17

  Warriors: 4,677,923

  I followed the orb indicator on the map. It led me to an old manufacturing complex, made up of interconnected factories and substations with towering smokestacks. According to the map, the orb was nestled somewhere deep within the heart of the compound.

  “Needle in a haystack?” I scratched my head.

  “I’m afraid I don’t understand,” ERNI said.

  “It’s nothing… just an expression.”

  I circled a few of the buildings, looking for an easy way in. Of course, all of the entrances were locked shut. I climbed a rickety ladder up to one of the rooftops and found my way in through a broken skylight.

  Inside, the building looked like a decommissioned train car factory. There were all sorts of gigantic, dormant machines and train parts. The place was layered with cobwebs and coated with dust. I heard a strange chittering coming from the deeper bowels of the building.

  ME: Any ideas on what that was?

  ERNI: I’m unfamiliar with that sound pattern.

  ME: Yeah… we really need to get you an audio detection upgrade.

  I walked between lilting stacks of oxidized train wheels and rows of stamped sheet metal. I discovered the remains of a homeless person who must have been squatting here. There was a pile of ash, a grungy beanie, soiled shirt, jeans, and a sleeping bag, along with a couple of freshly-emptied bottles of beer.

  And there was something else—a foul stench in the air.

  I looked at the map. Now there was a ‘Distance-to-Item’ ticker counting down from 150 meters. With each step, the number got slightly smaller. I heard more noises coming from the distance and equipped the rubber chicken nunchucks. I’d seen what they could do, but I needed more than just a melee weapon. I needed something with range. And I had major doubts about what a T-shirt cannon could do to a charging enemy.

  SSSSSSHEWP!

  Something whizzed past my ear with such velocity that it could only be one thing. I’d heard that sound too many times through my 3D gaming headphones. I ducked behind a huge metal press and looked at my map. I saw a yellow dot that quickly faded.

  ME: ERNI, that was a live round! Somebody is shooting at me! Wait. Was that a warrior?! We’re not allowed to directly attack one another! And where the hell did he go?!

  ERNI: I am unsure. It is true. Warriors are not allowed to terminate one another until the Sudden Death Final. This is a direct violation of the tournament rules and cause for immediate disqualification.

  I swapped the nunchucks for the T-shirt cannon. It was the only thing I had that looked remotely like a gun. Maybe I could bluff my way out of this one.

  My eyes darted between the map and the direction that I thought the bullet came from: a second-story concourse overlooking the factory floor. I looked back and forth, scanning the shadows.

  ME: I don’t see anyone. Can you?

  ERNI: Perhaps they are using a cloaking mechanism.

  That made sense. After all, the yellow dot on the map only appeared for a brief moment. Perhaps their camouflage was interrupted when they fired.

  ME: Think, Sam. Think, think, think…

  I was top-ranked when it came to KDAs in Ogre Splat. But in real life…? Totally different situation. There was no respawn here. This was one and done.

  PING!!!

  Another bullet ricocheted off the metal press I was hiding under. The yellow blip flashed on the map again. I squinted, taking a good look at the second floor railing. This time, I spotted something—barely noticeable—a luminous shimmer in the shadows.

  ME: I see you…

  I lined up a shot. Since, I didn’t have a cloaking mechanism, I was certain he could see me on his map. I was a sitting duck unless I could figure a way to flush him out. Lucky for me, he broke the cardinal rule of sniping. He didn’t move between shots.

  FOOMP!

  I fired the T-shirt cannon. A balled T-shirt fired up, arcing diagonally right at him. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what happened next. As soon as the T-shirt contacted him, it auto-equipped onto his body. There stood this phantom warrior, completely invisible, except for the “I Survived Annihilation” T-shirt that was fitted around his torso.

  I had to stifle a laugh as the disembodied T-shirt started to move like a ghost. The T-shirt cannon icon in my HUD now displayed an ammo count of 4.

  The T-shirt dropped to the factory floor and made a beeline towards me. I re-equipped the chicken nunchucks and ran straight at it. This was the craziest thing I’d ever done. It was ludicrous and funny until it wasn’t.

  I saw a couple of muzzle flashes and felt the bullets’ impact before I heard the gunshots. I screamed, clutching my chest. I looked down, expecting to see blood but was stunned to see the metal slugs, flattened against the rusty, armor chest plate. The T-shirt sprinted towards me, getting closer. My chest pounded with pain.

  I gasped for air, feeling like I’d been hit with a sledgehammer. Still, I swung the nunchucks in a vicious arc to where the warrior’s head should be.

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  BUCKKAWWWW!

  They squawked as they made impact. The warrior decloaked, flying through the air, landing with a heavy thud.

  I struggled to my feet, coughing up blood. I limped over towards him and raised the nunchucks to deal another blow.

  A yellow flag dropped next to the warrior’s body. A shrill, digital whistle pierced the air. A refbot appeared, freezing me in place with a stun beam emitted from its palm.

  “Penalty!” it announced in a tinny voice. “Warrior assault.”

  Its robotic head swiveled from me to the downed warrior. It projected a second beam on him and he quickly vanished, teleported elsewhere.

  “Penalty enforcement: immediate weapon confiscation.”

  The nunchucks disappeared from my hands and playbook.

  The yellow flag and the refbot also dissipated.

  “What the actual hell was that about?! This guy tries to kill me, and I get a penalty for defending myself?! ERNI, help me out here!”

  “I am unsure of how to interpret this sequence of events. It does not align with core Slayer Bowl rules. Let me investigate.”

  “Yeah, you do that.”

  I clutched my chest and heaved for air. Though my healing abilities were kicking in, the bullet bruise still hurt like a motherfucker.

  It took a moment to catch my breath and settle down. The chittering was growing louder in the distance, and I didn’t have time for this. I had to get to the orb.

  That’s when the first creature leapt over my shoulder. It landed with a solid thunk and spun around, looking at me. It was an insect about the size of a house cat.

  It looked like:

  “…a grasshopper?”

  An info box flashed above the creature.

  Mission: Kill Enemy Monster.

  Gas Hopper. Level 3.

  The thing was hideous—dark green—with a melted blend of conjoined faces as if several pupae had competed for the genetic real estate only to reach a stalemate.

  The Gas Hopper and I circled one another. It stared at me with those multiple faces, mandibles chomping. I was chock full of adrenaline from the warrior fight and put up my dukes.

  “Oh, what?! You wanna go?! Come on, then!”

  I was pretty amped up, and I could be wrong, but the Gas Hopper raised a leg, and I could have sworn it flashed a middle claw at me.

  “You crickety motherf—“

  PPCHHT!

  The creature jumped straight at my head, cracking me in the bridge of my nose, knocking me down hard. My face throbbed with pain. I blinked, eyes watering. I wiped wet nostrils, fingers coming back bloody.

  I got back to my feet and the damn bug spun around and chittered at me.

  “Oh, that’s it, crust-fucker!”

  It flexed its hind legs and jumped again. I cocked my arm back and unleashed a punch, connecting with its face. My knuckles ached as the creature tumbled to the ground.

  It righted itself and hissed, spitting out a wad of green blood.

  “Yeah! That’s right!” I shouted. “You can catch these hands!”

  Damn. I was starting to sound like Todd from work. And I remember just how well that worked out for him.

  The Gas Hopper jumped again, corkscrewing mid-air. I threw another punch, this time, connecting with its thorax. A plume of green gas spewed from its rectum as the creature landed, dead.

  Gas Hopper Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Enemy Monster.

  Reward: +15,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Gas Hopper.

  Items Acquired:

  Mad Hops Play.

  Gas Knuckles.

  I didn’t know what the hell gas knuckles were, but I immediately equipped them. Both of my fists became fortified with metal knuckles, the tip of each bearing a protruding gas nozzle.

  Noxious fumes wafted in the air, stinging my skin. I covered my nose.

  “Gross!”

  My field of vision flashed with an alert—

  Warning: Poison Damage Detected!

  “Aghh!” I groaned, feeling the effects of the poison all throughout my body. Burning blisters broke out across my arms and face—fizzing and popping.

  At the same time, my map lit up with a group of approaching red dots.

  Mission: Kill Monster Mob.

  More monsters were moving in fast. I looked down at the dead Gas Hopper and saw the familiar message.

  The Gas Hopper swarm came quickly, leaping from all directions. I started swinging, wild and furious, landing a series of punches. The gas knuckles fired a small cloud of red vapor with each strike. Clearly, this was as poisonous to them as their noxious green fumes were to me. Several of them sprayed me with their gas. My vision flashed red and more blisters rose on my skin with each dose of poison. I hacked and coughed, fighting through the pain.

  They surrounded me in a circle, antennas twitching as if they were sending messages to one another on how to coordinate their attack.

  ME: ERNI, you’re hella quiet! Feel free to jump in here with any helpful advice!

  ERNI: During combat engagement, my primary objective is to offer silent support and to not distract. Your current counter-attacks have proven effective. I suggest you continue this course.

  “Okay!” I shouted as I put another couple of Gas Hoppers down.

  There were only two left now. They flanked me on opposite sides. I kept a ready stance, waiting for their next move.

  Antennas flicking, they launched their attack in unison, both leaping at me from opposite sides at the same time. I caught each by a leg and began to bash them into each other. Their bodies collided with a sick—

  CRUNCH!

  The first few strikes, they wriggled, hissed, and fought. But, soon, their limp bodies turn to gooey, green pulp—limbs ripping free, crushed eyes leaking goo from their sockets.

  I kept on smashing them, over and over, until ERNI finally spoke up.

  “Sam… Sam… I believe they are dead.”

  I was heaving for breath. I dropped their carcasses.

  Mission Complete: Kill Monster Mob.

  Reward: +60,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Mob Massacre.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Gas Hoppers.

  Items Acquired:

  Silent But Deadly Cloaking Play.

  Insecto-Exoskeleton Armor.

  Toxic Fart Grenades x3.

  The items automatically added to my playbook as my HUD flashed red—

  Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!

  My body shuddered from the effects of the poison. Pustules bubbled and popped all over me. I could hear my heartbeat, thumping in synced rhythm with the flashing. I summoned the Healer-Ade from my inventory and drank the rest of it.

  Healer-Ade Depleted.

  The bottle disappeared from my hands as my health improved. I took a few deep breaths as the boils on my skin closed up and my audible heartbeat faded away.

  I stood in the middle of the Gas Hopper graveyard. Dismembered antennae, legs, and wings twitched—post-mortem. Half-severed heads leaked pools of green blood. The stench was unimaginable.

  I swapped my rusty armor for the exoskeleton set. Sure, the rusty armor had saved my life, but it was extremely uncomfortable and difficult to move in.

  This new armor was greenish in hue, lightweight, and extremely maneuverable. It had tiny spikes running down the sides of the shoulders, arms, and legs, like the tibial spurs on a grasshopper’s limbs.

  “You handled yourself very well,” ERNI said.

  “Thanks,” I said, dusting my hands off. “I… uh… don’t like bugs.”

  “Clearly.”

  I did a slow turn, scanning the area for any further enemies. And that’s when I saw an equipment chest at the far end of the warehouse. I opened it, hoping for a gun, but what I got instead was a game-changer.

  The hologram swirled and shimmered in front of me. It looked like a sword with a plus button floating next to it. I touched it.

  Item Acquired:

  Weapon Booster.

  Upgrades 1 Weapon Class Within Your Inventory.

  I stowed the gas knuckles, my mind turning.

  This tournament was brutal. Savage.

  If I was going to carve my name into history, I would need to upgrade the 2 weapons I’d been carrying all along…

  …my goddamn pizza cutters.