ME: These things can evolve now?! That’s cheating!”
ERNI: Technically, you, I, and Count Basil have all evolved.
ME: You know, ERNI… I don’t really need a lecture on equivalency right now!
The slug’s three mouths opened in unison, each one emitting a different pitch. The combined sound was like jagged steel dragging across glass. My helmet’s audio dampeners kicked in, but not before my ears rang painfully.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
The slug used the opening, lashing out one of its appendages faster than I could track.
THWACK!
It caught me square in the chest, sending me flying backward. I slammed into a rock column, the impact knocking the wind from my lungs.
CRACK!
White-hot pain stabbed through my torso as several of my ribs shattered. I slumped to the ground, gasping, coughing out blood. Count B extended his vines, wrapping them around me like a protective cocoon. The slug advanced, its body leaving a flaming trail in its wake.
ME: ERNI… does this thing have any weaknesses in this new form?
ERNI: Its protective structure seems to be guarding something within the central body mass. A glowing nucleus. Possibly a vital organ.
I staggered back to my feet, clutching my ribs.
ME: Count B, you okay?
COUNT BASIL: …leaf…
His mental voice sounded weaker, his vines drooping from the heat.
The slug struck again, its limbs flashing forward in coordinated attacks. I blocked one with Slice, the chainsaw blade grinding against its glassy claw. Sparks rained out, showering across my visor. Another limb whipped around, catching me in the back.
THWACK!
I flew forward, tumbling across the molten ground. Dice skittered from my grip, sliding towards the lip of an acid pool.
“NOOO!” I scrambled after it, but the slug was faster—stomping on my outstretched hand.
Pain exploded through my fingers as I felt the bones crack. I screamed, trying to pull it free. The slug’s middle mouth opened wide, arcing down towards my head. Acidic drool bounced off my helmet.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf! Leaf! Leaf!
With valiant effort, Count B swung at the slug’s head, landing several blows at the expense of singed tips. The creature stumbled off balance. It was enough for me to roll free, cradling my crushed hand. I picked up Dice with the other. The cutter hummed with energy as I faced the monster again.
ME: ERNI, I need options!
ERNI: The creature’s internal temperature now exceeds 1,650°C. I advise against direct contact.
ME: No shit!
I dodged another of its swipes, movement sending fresh waves of pain throughout my ribs.
ME: What about the nucleus thing?”
ERNI: In theory, if penetrated, the thermal equilibrium of the creature could potentially destabilize.
ME: In English.
ERNI: Stab the glowy part. It might explode.
ME: That’s all you had to say!
The slug reared up for another attack.
I noticed its underside vents pulsing faster, the glow intensifying. I activated a Med-Kit. Instant relief flooded my system as my hand and ribs started to knit back together. I wasn’t completely whole but strong enough to fight. The ground beneath us rumbled, beginning to liquefy.
SHIIING!
I raised both pizza cutters, blades whirring up to full speed. The slug charged. I slid beneath its body, stabbing both pizza cutters up as I went, tearing a seam along the entirety of its underbelly. The heat was unbearable, my armor’s force field flickering dangerously.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I cleared the backside of the creature’s tail. I watched as it lifted its body, spilling organs and flaming goo from its undercarriage. The creature writhed in agony, its limbs flailing wildly.
WHAM!
One caught me across the face. Blood filled my mouth as my bottom lip split open. Count B wrapped his vines around two of the creature’s limbs, anchoring it in place. It wouldn’t hold for long, the green tips immediately bursting into flame.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
“I see it!” I shouted, spotting the pulsing nucleus through the wound I’d created.
I leaped forward, slashing the pizza cutters, parting the slug’s flesh like hot butter. The monster thrashed wildly, its mouths shrieking, leaking flames.
It slashed another limb out—desperate. The strike glanced off my armor as I drove the pizza cutters through the beast’s gash and straight into the nucleus.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
“DIE, YOU SLIMY FUCK!!!”
With one final push, I plunged both blades completely into its thermal core. It split open.
For a moment, nothing happened…
Then the entire world exploded in a blinding ball of light.
KA-THOOOM!!!
The slug’s body ripped into a million wet ribbons of flesh.
The explosion launched me and Count B through the air. We landed hard twenty meters away. I gasped for breath and the world spun in a dizzying haze, as I teetered on the edge of consciousness.
After my vision cleared, I saw slug chunks sizzling across the landscape. Many had already dissolved into molten puddles of goo. The creature’s central gelatinous mass remained—twitching feebly.
I stumbled to my feet, every fiber of muscle screaming in protest. Blood trickled down my arms. My lips throbbed. And my still-healing ribs clicked, unset.
ME: Is it… dead?
ERNI: Life signs diminishing.
I limped over to the dying slug. Its remaining eye stalk twitched, still attached by a gooey strand to a wet, pulsating clump of brain tissue.
As I approached, the tentacle swiveled weakly to track me.
I stood there, staring into its milky eye.
I drew Slice from my right holster, raising it high. I let the creature stare up at it for a moment—its eye stalk trembling with impending doom.
“This is for burning my plant.”
SKLOOOSH!
I hacked the cutter down, plunging straight into the pupil.
“YAAAAHHH!!”
I rotated the spinning chainsaw blade, cleaving the optical flesh. The tentacle writhed, splattering me with viscous liquid. I drove the cutter arm deep into the socket.
The slug shuddered one final time, then went still.
Victory! Smolder Slug Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!
Reward: +100,000 Points!
Flashy Kill Bonus!
Reward: +75,000 Points!
New Trophy! Gastropod Gutter.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
Auto-Looted Smolder Slug.
Items Acquired:
Obsidian Frag Shells x3.
Snail Trail: A Lubricant For Lovers.
“Okay… that’s just eww.”
I dug out the two orbs and raised them in the air. They vanished as celebratory fireworks and animations played.
Orbdown! x2
Reward: +250,000 Points!
LEVEL UP!
You Have Reached Level 5!
Reward: +250,000 Points!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Menacing Meatsack to ‘Rotary Reaper.’
New Ability:
+ Arterial Precision: Target enemy vital points with surgical accuracy, causing critical damage.
Primary Weapon Upgrade!
The following upgrades have been applied to Pizza Cutters:
+ Auto-Adaptive Blades (Serrated, Laser, Plasma, Chainsaw, Energy Disruptor,Frost) Depending on Surface & Necessity
I collapsed, chest heaving, staring across at the slug’s steaming carcass. Count B’s vines slumped over my shoulders, his leaves drooping.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf…”
“Yeah, buddy. We did it.”
Suddenly, the ground lurched beneath us, pitching me forward onto my knees.
RUMMMBBBLE!
“ERNI, what the hell was that?”
ERNI: The Smolder Slug’s thermal core detonation appears to have triggered seismic activity.
A second violent quake shook the ground. In the distance, the mountain peaks trembled, shedding rocks down their slopes.
ERNI: Correction. The blast has destabilized the local volcanic network.
As if on cue, one of the distant peaks exploded, shooting a column of black ash and molten rock skyward. The shockwave hit us seconds later, nearly toppling me over.
“Welp! This party’s too hot for me. Time to go!”
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
Count B’s vines tightened around my arm, pointing urgently toward the nearest volcano—the one directly behind us. Its peak was glowing orange, smoke billowing from newly formed fissures.
ERNI: Imminent eruption detected. Recommend immediate evacuation.
“Yep!” I scrambled to my feet. “Where’s our teleport transport? It should be incoming, right? We’re fully reinstated in the game.”
“Checking now,” ERNI replied.
“I’ll take anything. A Lyft. An Uber. A fucking rickshaw!”
“Still checking…”
I spun on my heels as glowing streams of lava surrounded us, boiling violently, closing in as thick walls of flame in an ensnaring circle. Count B retracted his scorched vines.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
“Hang in there, B! We’ll figure out something.”
KA-BOOM!
The mountain behind us blasted open, a river of lava gushing from its side. The ground cracked, tearing open as fiery magma sprayed through.
“Good news,” ERNI announced. “The teleportation crystal has been dispatched and should be arriving momentarily.”
“Momentarily. That’s great… if we’re not flaming kebabs by then!”
I frantically scanned the area, the superheated air scorching my lungs.
A massive chunk of volcanic rock crashed down nearby, spraying us with molten debris. Count B’s leaves smoldered.
COUNT BASIL: LEEEAAAF!
He retreated back into the quest sack. I couldn’t blame him.
My armor forcefield was taxed as the heat intensified to unbearable levels. My suit’s temperature warning flashed red.
Armor Integrity Warning: Critical Overload!
The ground directly beneath me split open, causing me to do a split—a smoldering orange chasm below. I dove to the side and the fissure tore wide open. I flipped backwards, nearly losing my footing on the crumbling edge.
“ERNI! DO SOMETHING!”
“I am trying.”
“You’re trying but we’re frying!!!”
Suddenly, within the hellscape, the air shimmered. The green crystal transport finally materialized, as the river of lava widened.
Teleportation Initiated.
The hardened shell sealed around us, just as the ground gave way, sending a massive plume of flame our way. We flashed up and away as the entire landscape disappeared under an avalanche of superheated flame and rock.
----
We rocketed through the portal.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf-leaf!
“You said it, B. That was too close.”
For some reason, this was the first teleportation event where I didn’t experience nausea. I wasn’t sure if it was my new level, or perhaps that somersault play madness had forced my body to adapt. More likely, nearly being cooked alive had reset my scale for physical discomfort.
As we hurtled through the cosmic tunnels, I took a few moments to tune back into the ISSN feed.
Blink and Gill were finishing up a highlight package of my slug showdown. “…impressive in his first second half boss monster battle,” Blink gestured. “I don’t think any of us really thought SackUpSam would still be in the tournament at this point.”
“Just as I never thought my fishorrhoids would still be flaring up after what I paid at that off world clinic.”
“Okay…” Blink’s eyes shifted, embarrassed by his tipsy co-anchor’s oversharing. “And what about that volcano finish? Spectacular near-death escape! The ratings are through the roof! Despite all that, there has been a massive uptick in fan and sponsorship interest in the human. For his part, Commissioner Krivlax has kept mum on the league’s views of recent events. Hopefully, there will be more to come. Now, onto more clips of our MVP, Dom Blady!”
The feed cut to Blady using a plasma sword to split the skull of a half cyclops-half centipede creature. Blady tore the eye from the carcass and swung it in the air like a trophy.
Mute.
Every time I saw him, my blood boiled. All it did was strengthen my resolve to comeback in this goddamn tournament so I could get my hands on him in the final.
I noticed Count B’s leaves were still singed at the edges, portions turned black and crispy.
“You saved our asses back there,” I told him, gently stroking his leaves. “I owe you one. Here.”
I poured some Healer-Ade into his root-torso. Immediately he perked up as his leaves rehydrated, coming back to their natural color.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Always dude. I got you.”
I pulled out Slice and Dice and tested out their blade upgrades. Simply thinking of various scenarios changed their spinning surfaces instantaneously from serrated to chainsaw to frost-edged to a pulsating data disruptor edge.
“Hell yeah.”
These would come in very handy.
The teleportation chamber decelerated from starlines, re-entering the atmosphere of our next environment. The crystal walls shimmered as we came in for a landing. The only question was… what kind of bullshit were we about to face next?
