The green crystal transport evaporated, dumping me headfirst into a pile of shit.
SPLOICCHHH!
I’m not talking figurative or metaphorical—but actual shit.
A great big heap of it.
Bones jutted out of the brownish slop. A fly orgy was in full effect along the surface. The mound was soft, chunky, and wet and smelled like a septic tank had just finished a three-way with two dumpsters full of rotten tacos.
Teleportation Complete.
Location: Giza Plateau, Cairo, Egypt.
“AAAACKKPTTHHH!!!” I yelled, spitting out a mouthful of brown goo.
COUNT BASIL: LEAAAF!!!”
“Oh, my circuits…” ERNI chirped. “This is most unhygienic.”
I tumbled down the brown hill and landed on a plain of sand. I shook my arms and legs, retching and gagging. Count B flung glops of feces from his vines.
PSSSSSHHH!!!
My armor enveloped us with a hot, cleansing mist, evaporating the mush, and returning us to a decently-clean state.
I gargled and spat out a bottle of Nebula fuel, waving my arms, pissed.
“What the actual hell, man?! Who determines these spawn points?!”
ERNI’s face glitched as he quoted a moment from Jurassic Park, “That is one big pile of shit.”
He wasn’t lying. I stared at the steaming mound.
“Fuck. I don’t even wanna know what left that.”
I checked the map. No enemy dots for now.
Count Basil tapped me on the shoulder, pointing a leafy appendage in the opposite direction.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf! Leaf!
I turned around to see what he was excited about.
The Great Pyramid of Giza, loomed above us, colossal and imposing.
I scanned the surroundings. Unlike those pleasant “Visit Egypt” websites, this scene wasn’t surrounded by crowds of photo-wielding tourists or camel jockeys. There were just miles of ash-covered, wind-swept desert, mixed with orphaned personal effects and singed clothing.
Across the landscape, the Sphinx stared ahead with a timeless indifference that had seen ages rise and crumble. Our extinction seemed of little importance.
I took it all in with somber reflection. I had always wanted to visit Egypt, but not under these circumstances.
Mission: Retrieve Orb.
I checked the map. A familiar white pulsing dot beckoned. The orb was located approximately 7 kilometers to the southeast.
As we started out, something caught my eye—a faint, reflective glimmer in the distance—nestled amid the wreckage of a small building.
We reached the crumbling remains of what had once been a visitor center.
“Careful… I am unsure of the structural integrity of these ruins,” ERNI warned.
He was right. This thing was teetering on the edge of collapse. I slid through carefully, picking through the debris, following that telltale sparkle.
Behind a collapsed wall, I found it: a metal trunk emblazoned with the ISL logo. It was still intact despite the surrounding destruction.
“Ha-ha… jackpot!” I grinned.
I approached the trunk, cautious, half-expecting a trap after the whole turnover fiasco.
I checked my HUD again, but it remained clear of hostile indicators.
I popped the latches of the trunk lid.
SSSSSSS.
It hissed open, revealing a glowing array of weapons that made me whistle.
Secret Weapon Cache Discovered!
“Looks like we found a toy chest,” I said, rummaging through the arsenal.
It was all top-tier stuff.
There were plasma rifles, sonic grenades, a wicked-looking scythe, and even a pair of black, fingerless, leather gloves with electrified tactical knuckles.
I picked up one of the rifles, testing its weight. The weapon hummed to life, its glowing, blue energy core pulsing with lethal potential. After a moment’s consideration, I set it back down.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf?
“Eh… not really my style.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf…leaf…leaf.
“Yeah… I know, I know. But I’ve grown attached to these.” I said, patting my holstered pizza cutters.
“Besides… remember what G said about the value of ‘bladed weapons in close quarters? What kind of battle is it if you don’t get your hands bloody?’”
Count B nodded his leafy head.
COUNT BASIL: …leaf.
Oh man, I missed G.
It was evident just how much he had taught me in such a short time.
ERNI’s voice chimed in, “While I certainly can appreciate your emotional attachment to the pizza cutters, my statistical analysis suggests that the addition of a plasma rifle would increase your combat effectiveness by approximately 37.8%.”
SHIIING!
I pulled Slice from his holster. He spun up, growling, as I brought him near ERNI’s gauntlet screen.
VRRRRRR!
“I hear you, but you try telling these boys that. They never run out of ammo. They never overheat. They never misfire.”
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
“Point taken,” ERNI conceded.
I holstered Slice and decided to take the 2 rifles anyway.
Couldn’t hurt.
I could always use it to bargain with one of these shifty-ass hydration agents.
I also grabbed the rest of the items from the chest: the black electro gloves, a compact hover shield generator, some high-yield explosive charges, and two badass bluish-green, armored shin guards that integrated seamlessly with my existing gear.
Items Acquired:
Plasma Rifles x2.
Slayer Scythe.
Pulse Power Gloves.
Hover Shield Generator.
Nova Charges x5.
Kineti-Kick Shin Guards.
I immediately equipped the gloves and shin guards, testing their feel and maneuverability. I threw a few punches—
KRACK! KRA-KRACK!
—pleasantly surprised to see an electric charge crackle at the apex of the swings.
“Sweet!”
I also threw a few sidekicks, amazed, at the increased speed and thrust that the shin guards provided.
“Chuck Norris can kiss my ass!”
I looked to the sky with a sudden awareness that if anyone could rematerialize from a pile of ash or teleport in to kick my ass, it would be Chuck Norris. I waved a contrite hand.
“Sorry, Chuck. Got carried away there.”
----
Though the pyramids cast long shadows across the desert floor, of course we didn’t benefit. We trudged across a sunlit patch of the ancient landscape, tracking the orb location on the map. Heat waves shimmered above the sand, distorting the horizon. Despite the armor’s cooling system, sweat beaded on my brow.
“We gotta figure a hack to teleport to Tahiti.”
With each step, fine sand worked its way into the joints of my armor, creating an irritating grinding sensation. I cupped hands to my mouth and shouted to whoever was listening.
“With all of these upgrades, can a brother get some ANTI-CHAFING CREAM?!”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
We stopped as the ground beneath us rumbled.
I cupped and shouted again. “Uhhh - I was just joking!”
Suddenly, walls of sand sprung up directly in front of us, forming a structure that was as tall and wide as the eye could see.
“ERNI, what the hell is this?!”
“By my scans, it appears to be a labyrinth.”
I looked both ways. This thing went on for endless kilometers in both directions, however a rectangular entrance beckoned straight ahead.
“Any chance you have the cheat code on how to solve this thing?”
“Unfortunately, not. But, it appears your orb has spawned somewhere inside.”
“Well, that’s just great. Okay, fellas… prepare to be a-mazed.”
COUNT BASIL: …leaf…
“Hey! If I have to suffer going through a desert maze, you have to suffer through my puns!”
I took a deep breath and we headed inside.
----
The moment I stepped into the labyrinth, a sand wall shot up behind us, sealing the entrance.
ME: Yeah… that’s not ominous at all.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
The maze’s corridors stretched out in three directions—left, right, and straight ahead. The walls, which were composed entirely of compressed sand, glittered with a sparkling sheen from the overhead sun. They were too tall to leap over. Count B shot out his vines, but they also couldn’t reach the top.
ME: ERNI, any suggestions?
ERNI’s face flickered as he processed.
ERNI: According to ancient labyrinth-solving algorithms, maintaining contact with the left wall should eventually lead to the goal or exit.
ME: Yeah? How do you know a pissed off lefty didn’t just make that shit up?
PAP!
Count B gave me an admonishing wack on the helmet.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
ERNI: I suppose I don’t. Would you prefer we go straight or to the right?
PAP!
Count B gave me another helmet ‘pap’ for good measure.
ME: Okay, dude, okay. I was just being a smart-ass. Left it is.
Count Basil’s vines extended, feeling the air currents. One vine pointed decisively to the right.
ME: Now, wait a minute. A second ago you were telling me left. Now it’s right? Which is it?
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
ERNI: Plants are known to have remarkable spatial awareness. Perhaps, Count Basil’s photosynthetic cells are detecting subtle energy signatures.
ME: I really need you two to make up your minds. Fine, we go right.
We headed that way, following the first of many twists and turns, until we reached another ’T’ junction. The ground shook, sand rattling beneath us as the labyrinth suddenly shifted. The corridors rearranged themselves into an entirely new configuration.
ME: Okay. So, what do the ancient labyrinth-solving algorithms say about moving walls?
ERNI: I am detecting unstable sections ahead.
ME: Really? Because, so far this vacation has felt rock-solid.
SHOONK!
The ground collapsed beneath us.
I plunged downward, sand pouring in from all sides. We were being buried alive. I had no time to wonder if this was another of Krivlax’s traps. Instead, I quickly activated the hover shield generator, creating a circular barrier that prevented the sand from crushing us.
More granules dumped in, packing down solid until we were completely encased in a darkened hollow sphere.
I imagined this is what a Terminator felt like when it teleported into a new time period.
SHIIING!
In the dark pocket of air, I drew my pizza cutters.
VRRRRRR!
The laser edges provided a reddish light as I disabled a side portion of the forcefield. The sand held solid.
I sliced ahead, carving through the packed sand wall, creating a diagonal upward tunnel out. We punched back through to daylight. Count B shot vines up and out, using surface leverage to winch us back topside.
We emerged, gasping, back into the maze.
ME: Thanks, buddy. Still wanna go left?
PAP!
ME: Yeah… figured.
We continued on, moving more cautiously now.
The orb indicator continued to blink on the map, but its position shifted as unpredictably as the maze itself.
ME: Gotta love these 3rd Quarter twists.
Finally, we locked in on the orb location. We hiked down a few more corridors until we reached the indicator on the map.
We entered a vast circular courtyard in the center of the maze. Two glowing orbs hovered, mid-air over an inviting, clear blue pool of water.
B pointed excitedly.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf! Leaf!
ME: Hell yeah!
Then he gestured to the water below.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf?
ME: Yeah, buddy. I’m thirsty too, but I’m not sure I trust that water.
I activated my hydro-conversion kit and dipped my boot into the liquid, but didn’t touch the straw. ERNI quickly confirmed—
ERNI: You are correct. This pool contains high concentrations of psychotropic compounds. One sip would induce severe hallucinations.
I’m not gonna lie. That sounded kinda fun. I mean… it’s not like I hadn’t blazed my fair share of weed before.
Still, we needed all of our wits in this clusterfuck of a ‘game.’
I cracked open another bottle of Galaxy-Ade, guzzling half and watching Count B ‘chest-suck’ down the rest.
God, I loved the leafy guy, but… yeah…
I flipped over the pool, snatching the two floating orbs out of the air, landing on the other side. No enemy dots appeared on the map.
“Ha-ha! Nothing to it!”
Mission Complete: Retrieve Orb x2.
Reward: +60,000 Points.
New Trophy! Maze Master.
Reward: +10,000 Points.
Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.
Mission Complete: Reach Scoring Zone.
“Wait. What?”
ME: ERNI, that last notification can’t be right, can it? This is also the scoring zone?
I looked above to see a newly spawned holographic green arrow pulsing down at us.
ERNI: It appears to be correct. According to the master game system, they have made some ‘game alterations.’
All I could think about was Darth Vader's callous warning to Lando Calrissian: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
Mission: Kill Boss Monster.
The pool bubbled as a creature began to rise from the water.
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
I unmuted the ISSN feed.
“…instant scoring zone alert!” Blink exclaimed. “SackUpSam has found his way into the heart of the labyrinth and the center of a world of hurt!”
“Good.” Gill bristled. “Then, maybe we can find something else to yap about.”
Mute.
Krivlax had pulled out all of the stops.
I knew as soon as I saw the beast, that we were in for trouble. I had Count B stash the orbs in the quest sack as the monstrous figure walked across the surface of the water.
KOOM! KOOM!
It stomped heavy hooves onto the sand.
It was eight meters tall and looked like it weighed a ton.
I’d call it a minotaur but that would be doing it a disservice. It looked like some alien mad scientist had crossbred a bull and bear and threw that monstrosity into a cosmic blender. Tossed in some man legs—just for laughs. Then, pressed the ‘MAKE THAT BITCH HUGE’ button.
This was a ripped, bipedal franken-fucked abomination of science. A towering, “I bench more than you” blur of bucking rage, wrapped up in thick black, fur, with two longhorns sprouting from its bull-like head.
Its pupils glowed bright yellow as if suns were waiting to rip through its eye sockets like hell-beams. Its elongated jowls glistened with fresh blood. When it roared, the entire world shook, and ribbons of warrior flesh flapped between its teeth.
It bore powerful arms shackled with copper wrist sleeves, ending in serrated claws that glinted like steely knives. An ornate belt held up a leather loincloth.
And to top it all off, it wielded an enormous battle-axe that had half of someone’s face on it.
I really didn’t want to know anything else about the bastard, but an info box popped above it anyway.
Oblivotaur. Level 13.
It raised its battle-axe high. The weapon’s edge gleamed with malevolent purpose—thirsty for blood.
“Ahhh, shit… didn’t we just leave this party?”
