We stood there… me and Count B… the beast’s sack held high.
The moment was bloody.
Iconic.
A cosmic middle finger to Krivlax from across the multiverse.
I think I must have swallowed some of the hallucinogenic pool water, because all of a sudden, I was envisioning this scene immortalized in limestone.
There I was, carved into eternity, placed inside the Hall of Greats, right next to Blady. His statue was holding up Blady Bombs. Mine was right next to him… cheesing… holding a ballsack.
It was art.
I could imagine alien families, out for a fun day at the cosmic museum. Then…’Mommy, what’s that man holding?’
I shook my head as the hallucinatory fog faded.
Count B was papping me on the helmet.
PAP. PAP. PAP.
ME: Okay, dude… I’m back. Chill.
I raised the sack and I stared beyond the sky, beyond the clouds and atmosphere—across the multiverse—making interstellar eye contact with the one green skinned, needle-toothed bastard that needed to hear me.
I squinted like badasses do in movie trailers and I shouted what felt right for the moment:
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”
I thought it was better than the other option I had been toying with: “who ordered the meat?”
On the ISSN feed, Blink and Gill stared wide-eyed, as I continued.
“YOU WANT SAVAGERY?!” I turned, arms outstretched, slow and dramatic, like a gladiator addressing the arena.
I hoisted the balls even higher, “I GIVE YOU SACKS!!!”
I pumped the sack up and down. It flopped, rhythmically, as I chanted:
“SACK - UP!”
“SACK - UP!”
“SACK - UP!”
I ended with a stout “UP YOURS, KRIVLAX!”
I lowered the scrote and unmuted the ISSN feed as Blink and Gill covered the fallout.
“Well, you heard it here first,” Blink announced. “SackUpSam” is no more. They’ve already given him a new name on the Wormhole: ‘The Sacker.’”
They played reaction shots of alien viewers losing their shit—jumping from their seats, spilling snacks, screaming and pointing in disbelief. Other screens showed mobs rushing the betting boards as a massive odds swing charted.
The Wormhole lit up like a switchboard and nearly crashed.
I wish I could’ve been inside Krivlax’s office at that very moment. To see his stiletto teeth gnash. To watch his veiny neck pulse. To watch him throw shit, frustrated by a lowly meatsack a bajillion miles away.
But I had other things to do.
There were points to collect and a game to win so I could get my hands on Blady.
I tossed the scrotum to the ground and out tumbled two gelatinous, coily spheres that I could only assume were the testicles.
“Gross.”
Steam rose from them as they liquified, revealing—
—two sparkling gemstones-each the size of baseballs.
What the hell…?
I moved towards them, staring in disbelief.
ME: Hey, ERNI…
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
ME: Those are gems, right?
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
ME: Gems that came from balls?
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
ME: …which makes them ball gems?
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
I knelt beside the glowing ball gems.
They were reddish-orange, sparkling like sapphires. And they were bright—every facet gleaming inside of a crackling aura.
One of them seemed to wink at me… beckoning to be held.
I picked it up. It was warm to the touch, pulsing with an energy that seemed to respond to my grip.
Funky… ball gem power…
I grabbed the other one, as another current flowed through my arms.
I stood up and shouted, hoisting the gems for all to see—
“BEHOLD! I ALONE WIELD THE POWERNUT GEMS! FEAR ME!”
*Okay, not gonna lie… I freestyled that… without any forethought…
And for one millisecond, the entire multiverse was silent, in collective judgment. Then—
Unmute.
The ISSN feed erupted with ROARING CHEERS as viewers went absolutely apeshit—pumping their fists, claws, and hooves in the air, chanting “SACK UP! SACK UP! SACK UP!”
Mute.
As I held the stones, I felt more and more power flowing into my hands. The surging current coursed throughout my body.
Count B reached out two vines, cupping and stroking the nut gems. I wasn’t so sure how I felt about that… but I could tell he was feeling the power as well.
COUNT BASIL: Leaaaaaf.
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
ME: Hey, ERNI… can you do an analysis on these things?
ERNI: Certainly. Place them into inventory so I can initiate a scan.
I mentally stowed them. In the meantime, I caught up on notifications and released our orbs into the air.
Items acquired:
Magical Severed Testical Gemstones x2
New Trophy! Family Jewel Thief.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
Orbdown! x2
Reward: +250,000 Points!
LEVEL UP!
You Have Reached Level 6!
Reward: +250,000 Points!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Rotary Reaper’ to ‘Testicle Taker.’
New Abilities:
+5% Faster Healing.
+5% Striking Power.
+Gem Essence Absorption: Extract magic from gemstones.
’Testical Taker?’ Really? That was my new class name?
I was gunning for ’Nut Nuker.’ There had to be some kind of protest or name change form.
With the celebratory orbdown fireworks popping above, the green teleportation shell crystallized around us.
Teleportation Initiated.
We tumbled away from reality, back to the twisting wormholes of space—zapping through at breakneck speed.
Inside the shell, I didn’t feel a flicker of nausea. Instead, I felt other changes happening within my body.
My muscles tensed, fibers visibly thickening beneath my armor.
What the…
My chest expanded, shoulders broadening as if years of gym work were happening in seconds. My armor auto-adjusted as I filled out with a linebacker’s build.
“Oh shit, your boy’s gettin’ diesel. Wait a minute. My voice… is... deeper.”
It was dark and full, with a sandpaper edge.
If my voice had a face it would have a dimpled-chin with stubble.
I sounded like a straight up 80s action star. One of those, gritty, hyper-muscled badasses. I imagined myself chewing on a stick of dynamite—firing 50 cal shells and snarky quips as enemy monsters exploded behind me.
Oh shit, maybe it was that hallucinogenic water again?
Nah. These pecs were real. I flexed them and tried a few one-liners with the new voice…
“Who ordered the meat?
Suns out! Guns out!”
I cupped the gems low near my crotch.
“Yeah… I’ve got the stones. Do you?
I curled them.
Do you even… lift bro?”
Count B face-leafed, embarrassed.
COUNT BASIL: …leaf.
That was until he saw how much thicker his vines had gotten. He flexed a bicep, giddy with the bulge.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
Clearly,” ERNI began, “exposure to the monster gemstones has altered your molecular structure. It is surely related to your new Gem Absorption ability.”
“I don’t care what it is. I like it!”
ERNI was right.
The nut gems had shot something special into us… like a monster nut steroid boost…
Wait. That didn’t come out right.
----
The teleportation chamber blurred back into reality, dumping us into the shattered carcass of the Vegas Strip.
“Holy shit…Vegas. Always wanted to come.”
Teleportation Complete.
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada.
Mission: Retrieve Orb.
I stared at the remains of Las Vegas Boulevard, choking on the stench of boiled death.
The Strip was in bad shape. It looked like someone had taken a snow globe of Vegas, filled it with dehydrated piss, added gasoline, set that bitch on fire, then smashed it with a hammer.
Metal trunks had punched holes through all of the famous facades. A passenger jet had cleaved through three casinos, its fuselage ripped open like a busted sardine can. The explosions and resulting fires had left haunting rows of scorched slot machines.
And what’s worse… four days of desert heat had done its work.
The strip smelled like char-broiled zombie skin with a whiff of hot ass.
The ash piles had congealed with spilled liquids—drinks, pool water, bodily fluids. The combination resulted in a gooey, pinkish-brown paste that squelched under my boots.
‘People mud.’
Yeah, I know. I know. Fucking gross. But that’s exactly what it was.
I kicked a blackjack chip away from what used to be a high roller. Now, just a lump of ash in a designer suit and loafers.
“Looks like he… CASHED OWWT!”
I emphasized the ‘oww’ sound to sound more like ’Arni.’ Count B shook his leafy head, unamused.
COUNT BASIL: …leaf.
“Oh, come on. I totally nailed that. CASHED OWWT… OWWT… you know… GET TO DA CHOPPA!’
I stopped mid laugh, as reality caught me like a punch to the gut.
My stomach iced over.
We were staring up at the MGM Grand. A helicopter had smashed into it. Twitching rotors, bounced on the wind, jutting out from the fake gold logo.
The front cabin had flattened on impact, leaving nothing more than the smooshed, charred, meaty stump of a mechanical insect. Streaks of dried blood spilled down the building.
ERNI’s voice broke the silence.
“I have completed my initial analysis of the gemstones. Would you like my report?”
“Uh… yeah. Yeah, ERNI.”
I checked my map. We were in the clear—no enemy indicators for now.
I recalled the… for lack of a better term… Nut Gems from the playbook and held them while Count B touched their gleaming surfaces. Once again, power coursed through our bodies, as ERNI explained.
“First, I must say… I find the structure and composition of these gemstones to be fascinating.”
“You sound really excited about ball gems, dude.”
“I am really excited about science. What I analyzed, I did so for science.”
“Sure. Sure. That would hold up in court. Okay, so what the hell are these things?”
“Genetically evolved magical essence.”
He let that hang out there for a moment, before continuing.
“You see… the gems are actually a crystallized by-product of the creatures’… usually liquid magical essence.”
“You’re telling me these gems are… solidified monster jizz?”
“Technically true… in less scientific terms. Some sort of magical exposure caused the monster secretions to transform into the gems.”
I looked at the glittering stone in my hand with both newfound appreciation and disgust.
Petrified monster jizz?
Can’t say that was on my birthday bingo card.
I turned the gem, peering through its glittering facets.
“So these things… safe to handle?”
“Only time will tell the extent of their biochemical effects on you. As I collect more information, I can change my assessment. If you suddenly drop dead from exposure, I shall update my dataset and my future answer would be, ‘No, do not touch them.’”
“Right. So if I die, you’ll at least let the next guy know?”
“Exactly. Evolved learning is a beautiful part of the scientific process.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.”
“Speaking of… these things got a scientific name?”
“Well, considering their forensic biological origin, the most scientific term that I can ascribe to them would be: “Scrotalux Gems.”
“Fair enough. I still like 'PowerNut Gems’ better, but, fine… we’ll go with Scrotalux.”
And just like that, they were renamed in my playbook.
Items Acquired:
Scrotalux Gems, x2.
Magical Crystallized Monster Secretions
I stared at the notification and wondered…
Did all monsters have magical gemstones in their ‘nads?
Were they all toting around ‘Merlin Globes’ in their scrotes?
And if so, did different balls contain different powers and abilities?
And could the discovery of nut gems be a turning point against Krilax’s evil empire?
There was only one way to find out.
----
With ERNI’s help, we discovered another benefit from the Scrotalux gems. If you left them untouched for a bit, they secreted a thin layer of grease.
This stuff was amazing. We harvested it. It was like a healing cream, moisturizer. Sunblock. Lube. Anything you needed.
We even came up with a fitting name for it… Sackrium.
Item Acquired:
2 Tins of Sackrium.
----
Count B and I checked in live on the Wormhole, and gave a quick video shout out to our fans. They went crazy.
I glanced at our stats and was stunned to learn I wasn’t ranked last anymore. Our inbox was flooded with sponsorship offers and—
“Holy shit, B! We’re famous!”
—our fan numbers had shot through the roof.
3rd Quarter: 15:17:33
Warriors: 467,855
Rank: 443,810
Points: 5,885,000
Fans: 1.47B
Replays of “The Sack” ran all over the Wormhole.
? TheSacker was the #1 trending star tag—although, I got a good laugh some of the others, that were circulating with the clip:
? SammyBallin4Real
? SackDaCommish
? BaddiesForBasil
? UpYoursKrivlax*
It was a media frenzy. We were an utter sensation. And for the moment, it was too much.
I cleared my HUD and stared at my muscled reflection in the broken glitz of a casino entrance. I walked closer, marveling at the transformation. Every part of me was so much bigger.
Wait a minute…
I tugged my waistband forward for a quick peek…
..and grinned like a lucky bastard on Christmas morning.
I smiled back up at my new reflection and flexed. B posed with me. We were muscly badasses, ready to kick some ass. A screaming eagle flew by. A rock track blared and the entire world behind us exploded as we walked away in slow-mo.
Okay, that was most likely the hallucination water again… but one thing was for certain—
We were goddamn action heroes.
The white orb indicator blinked on the map. It was 10 clicks away. We walked past a 24 hour wedding chapel and noticed the ashy remains of an Elvis costume, slumped over the altar.
“Elvis has definitely left the building. Wild city.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf-leaf…
“Yes… we’ll try to work in some time for you to see cactuses.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf?
“Yes. That was legal here.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf?
“Now, you’re just pushing it.”
