The bull-strosity pounded its chest and let out a bone-rattling roar that sent ripples across the sand. A steamy wave of putrified corpse ass smacked my nostrils like a sautéed diaper.
Count B fanned the air.
”AAAAACK. Bro… I really think it’s time you go vegan. You’ve gotten enough gains.”
I pointed at his disproportionately smaller legs. “Although it does look like you skip leg day.”
He didn’t laugh. He beat his chest again, hefted his battle axe and snorted, firing hot snot missiles from oversized nostrils.
SPLAT!
As I wiped the yellowish goo from my eyes, I consulted with our guild.
ME: So, clearly, he doesn’t like salads.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
ME: Um… ERNI… recommendation?
ERNI: Run.
I took off—just as he swung his mighty axe.
SHREEWWM!
The blade hummed by my head and cleaved into the ground, thrashing out chunky waves of sand.
“No thanks! Already shaved!”
Agitated, the Oblivotaur whipped around and charged forward, lowering his shoulder. Count B reached out to block but the beast caught us flat-footed—
KRUNCH!
—ramming into my chest, with bone-crushing force, driving us backwards—
KOOM! KOOM! KOOM!
—through three solid sand walls, each one mashing my rib cage like a vice. The world fell away in a blur.
Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!
Red flashed. My heart thumped. Stars danced across the blur. They all had cute, little 3D animated faces and sung to the tune of London Bridge is Falling Down.
“You’re about to get fucked up…
…get fucked up…
….get fucked up…
You’re about to get fucked up…
…Sack Up Sammy!”
They all flashed middle fingers as they disappeared.
I was suddenly looking up at the sky. Bleeding. On my back. Leafy hands struck my visor.
SCHMACK-SCHMACK-SCHMACK!
COUNT BASIL: LEAFFFF!”
Count B slapped me out of my stupor, just in time to see—
—the axe blade screaming down towards my face.
ME: …ohshit…
I rolled sideways just as—
SHUNK!
—the blade bit out a chunk of earth, sending a geyser of sand skyward. Frustrated, the beast snarled.
“Roid rage much?!”
I clambered back to my feet, coughing, as it yanked the axe free with casual strength. Those yellow eyes bore into me with a murderous glow. This wasn’t a mindless beast at all. There were calculations brewing in there.
I said the only thing I thought might break the tension.
“Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.”
Unappreciative of my comedy, the Oblivotaur lunged forward, head lowered, horns aimed.
SHIIING!
I drew my cutters, blades humming to life.
I flipped over the monster’s shoulders, jabbing out Slice and Dice. They carved two gashes, tearing chunks out of each of his trap muscles.
I landed and whipped around as the creature bellowed—more pissed than injured. It snorted, nostrils flaring, eyes aflame.
“Alright… let’s dance, Toro.”
He feigned right but slashed left with his horns, gashing the inside of my thigh and sending me flying.
POP!
“GAAAAH!” I screamed as I landed shoulder first on the ground.
I instantly knew it was out of socket.
I wobbled to my feet, tasting copper, thigh dripping with pain. My shoulder clicked as my limp left arm swung uselessly. ERNI’s gauntlet flopped and dangled like a fish.
ERNI: Sam, I believe your left shoulder is dislocated.
ME: …good eye there, Ern. You picked right up on that, did you?
ERNI: I advise resetting it against a hard surface.
The Oblivotaur doubled-back, lowering its head for another hit. I jumped, but not high enough.
CRACK!
That was my thighbone—once intact.
I flipped through the air. Count B lassoed the beast’s horns, swinging us down, landing hard on top of it’s back.
CLICK!
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The impact popped my shoulder back in.
ME: Holy shit. Nice one, B!
I grabbed the bull by the horns—literally—as the monster dashed in a zig-zag frenzy—
KOOM! KOOM! KOOM!
—bursting through multiple walls, face first, trying to shake us off. Gritty silt raked across my forcefield as chunks of packed sand exploded.
I burned another Med-Kit, knitting my thigh back together.
The creature lost its footing and we tumbled to the ground. We ended up back near the pool in the central courtyard.
I got to my feet as the monster gasped for air. It dropped the battle axe, popping those razor-sharp claws instead.
I hefted Slice and Dice —blades auto-switching to serrated mode as the bull raced at me.
This time I dove between its legs, slashing at the hamstrings as it passed.
SKLOOSH!
The creature pivoted with surprising agility for something so huge, but the cuts were starting to take their toll. It wobbled, unsteady on its legs, reaching back to touch its wounds and bringing back bloody red claws.
Red.
The color you’re not supposed to show a bull.
Fuck.
Me.
It pawed hooves at the sand, in an instinctual signal of its impending charge.
ME: Any weaknesses on this thing?!
ERNI: From my analysis… the creature’s hide appears incredibly dense. Still analyzing other vulnerabilities.
ME: Yeah, well… get back to me!
And where the hell was Count B?! He had disappeared inside the quest sack like a little punk.
SHOONK!
The spikes in my boots jutted out as I stood my ground.
As the monster dashed forward, the Veil-Rift Visor clicked into a new, orange-tinted tactical view.
Similar to a T-1000’s red schematic vision, I could see everything in crisp detail, but with enhanced tactical indicators, including instant telemetry calculations of enemy speed, angle of attack, and threat level. A flashing digital label in the corner read:
TARGETING MODE.
ME: Badass!
The monster barreled towards me, full speed, its loincloth suddenly overlaid with a red —
[PRIME TARGET!]
—crosshairs reticule.
The loincloth.
What was up with this Visor and monster junk? Did it have a secret fetish or something?
I was in no position to argue. The beast was almost upon me. I dove out of its path—
SLASH!
—slicing Dice at the creature’s belt line.
The bull turned around, claws clenched, suddenly surprised as its belt split apart, dropping his loincloth to the ground.
I unmuted the ISSN feed, my eyes darting from Blink and Gill’s shocked faces to what I was seeing straight ahead of me.
There, the Oblivotaur stood… buck-ass naked… with a massive, muscled physique and… a tiny monster pecker.
What I’m saying is…
…his sausage wasn’t packed.
…his meat wasn’t massive.
…his pencil wasn’t a #2.
…he was giving Ken Doll vibes.
…he was working with the travel-sized package.
Okay. Okay.
He had a small penis.
I mean, his balls were big enough, but the Aste-Roids had done a number on his ’Beast-Johnson’… if you could even call it that.
“Oh… uh, this is a new… thing for us,” Blink stammered.
It was the first time I had seen him rattled. Gill was shaking the ice in his cocktail glass, smiling like a guppy. “Now, we’re’ talking!”
Sensing the attention, the Oblivotaur snorted a few times and prepared for another dash.
The feed cut to reaction shots of stunned alien viewers, multiverse-wide. The screen flashed back to Blink and Gill and an embedded frame of what the viewers were seeing—my Veil Rift Visor POV.
Through my feed, the visor was allowing viewers to get their first eyeful of literal monster cock ever broadcast during a Slayer Bowl.
There it was in all of its crystal clear, HD glory—this bull’s steroidal sack and wang, flapping freely in the desert wind.
There was no black bar or censorship blur. We had caught the ISSN by complete surprise.
Since the genitalia of monsters had always been cloaked, perhaps viewers assumed these monsters had no dicks.
I mean, when’s the last time you watched a movie or show and noticed the monster’s massive shlong and balls?
Well, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
Anyway, the targeting mode zoomed in on the creature’s scrotum, again superimposing a crosshair label:
[PRIME TARGET!]
The creature dashed towards me. I slashed but missed, flipping over its head.
I landed and glanced at the ISSN feed. In my peripheral vision, I could see a distracted Blink completely off his game. He touched the side of his head as he received communications from the control room.
“…okay, so, we are going to stay live with this? Yes. Okay. Wait. I’m live right now?”
He turned to camera instantly aware of his foible and immediately snapped back into broadcaster mode.
The beast ran at me, becoming more and more exasperated.
Blink continued, “It appears SackUpSam has discovered a new… umm… feature… in the game. We’ll cover it live, as we always do.”
Count B yanked us out of the way as the monster zipped past again, it’s dangly package slapping thigh meat as it ran.
ME: Hey ERNI, you’re seeing this, right?
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
ME: I’m guessing that’s, uh, the best target, right?
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
ME: We are talking about the same thing, right?… the monster’s balls?
ERNI: Yes, Sam.
The creature turned to face me again. There was no time to be indecisive or picky now.
I was being broadcast live to the entire multiverse. Krivlax had almost canceled me. He had done everything in his power to snuff out my voice, end my fight, and erase my story.
In such a pivotal moment, with all eyes on me, I knew there was one thing I could do to put a crack in Krivlax’s empire…
I was gonna cut this goddamned monster’s balls off!
Its hooves clawed again, prepping for another run.
I widened my stance, tightening my grip on Slice and Dice.
This was it.
This was that moment.
The showdown.
Just me and him.
He launched forward, speeding right at me.
The targeted area was nearly within reach.
And that’s when Leafbo made his appearance.
Count Basil popped out of the quest sack like a jack in the box. He had tied a torn red T-shirt around his head like a bandana. In each of his two leafy arms, he held glowing pulse rifles.
The moment was as heroic and badass as any trailer shot I’d ever seen. But then, I was quickly reminded of a problem…
He had no eyes…
…and couldn’t shoot for shit.
COUNT BASIL: LEAAAAAAAF!
PYEWN! PYEWN! PYEWN!
Random laser blasts sizzled out, missing wildly.
ME: COUNT B?!
He couldn’t control the guns. The recoil tossed his vines around, throwing me off balance. This probably saved my life as the Oblivotaur narrowly glanced off my armor. Still, it was with enough force to sent my body flying.
“AAAAAAAUGH!!”
Jesus. I sounded like Charlie Brown.
ME: NICE TRY, B… BUT DROP THE GUNS!
B complied, tossing them to the ground. A few stray shots zapped out—one erasing the beast’s left horn.
He glanced up at the smoking stump, then back at us—furious.
I really wished there was a warrior monster arbitration service.
I struggled back to my feet, again flicking my cutters out into ready position. The blades hummed back to chainsaw status.
VRRRR!
Count B punched his leaves out in solidarity.
This was it. Just us against him.
ERNI: I have done further calculations and agree that a direct attack on the soft reproductive areas merits serious consideration.
ME: Thanks, ERNI. You’re the real hero.
The enraged beast thundered forward.
I tensed, muscle fibers twitching with readiness.
He got close, lowering his remaining horn. I got lower. Diving beneath him, bringing Slice across in a quick horizontal slash.
SCHWIP!
A slice so fast, so silent—it was nearly undetectable.
The Oblivotaur finished its run, and turned around.
It cocked its head stunned to see what I was holding in my hand—
—its bleeding nutsack.
The monster looked down with sudden realization, seeing arterial blood spraying from a gaping hole where his junk just was. His eyes traced the blood trail from his sack to the shorn off dick, lying on the ground.
It was then he wailed, dropping to his knees and looking over to see me approach.
I leaned in pointing at the dangling sack in my hand.
“Looking for these?”
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
Count B shoved him over and we listened as he squealed like a little bitch all the way into the afterlife.
Victory! Oblivotaur Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!
Reward: +100,000 Points!
Savage Multiplier 10x Flashy Kill Bonus!
Reward: +750,000 Points!
New Trophy! The Sacker.
Reward: +10,000 Points!
Unmute.
Blink and Gill were wide eyed. Dumbfounded. “Uh, it… it appears…” Blink stammered, “that SackUpSam has notched another victory with a new technique. We have our very first… I guess, we’ll call it ‘a sack.’ Yeah. Our first sack.”
Gill pointed. “Because that’s a nutsack in his hands?”
“Yes.”
I raised the scrotum high, allowing blood to drip all over me. I wanted them all to see the cost of their folly. I wanted them all to see the truth. Most of all, I wanted them to see…
This plant and pizza baker weren’t to be fucked with.
