The Danikil Depression lived up to its name.

  You couldn't help but be in the dumps here. If hell had a hot-ass armpit, this was it.

  The heat smacked you in the face like a crematorium, letting you know the universe wanted you dead. Sweat didn't linger here. It boiled off your skin. Sulfuric steam burped from neon green pits. These weren’t hot springs. They were death jacuzzis, full of poisonous acid, just waiting to strip the flesh from your bone.

  The air was thick, with the rotten whiff of a thousand roasted corpses glazed with ammonia. Despite my armor's rebreather, every breath was an assault on my lungs. I licked cracked lips beneath my visor, tasting salt and regret.

  And the cherry on top?

  Four of Krivlax's assassins were closing in on me.

  "Hey, ERNI, let's go ahead and load that special recipe we cooked up."

  "Loading it now."

  Lines of code flashed across my HUD beneath the protocol name:

  'Unsportsmanlike Conduct' Override.

  My eyes swept back to the map, where the four yellow warrior dots approached from the north, south, east, and west.

  It was a classic double envelopment maneuver and I was right at the center of their goddamn bullseye.

  "Four against one," I muttered. "Those are terrible odds…"

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf?

  "…for them."

  I gripped Slice in my right hand and Dice in my left.

  Both laser-edged chainsaw blades spun up with ravenous growls, ready to feed.

  VRRRRR!

  The assassins emerged from the sulfuric haze and halted, forming a wide circle around me. With the newfound abilities of my Veil-Rift Visor, I was just glad that all of them were wearing opaque armor.

  I didn't even bother checking the ISSN feed. This would never see air. Krivlax knew better.

  Instead, I took stock of the four warriors—

  There was 'Sizzle,' a lizard-like alien with a flamethrower. Male. He looked smug and confident in his superior firepower.

  There was 'Sparks,' a female assassin with six arms, each holding electrically charged whips.

  There was 'Magma,' another male—a hulking brute with a molten rock exterior. Fantastic Four's 'Thing' dipped in lava.

  And there was 'Quake,' gender unknown. A masked warrior wielding glowing hammers.

  Didn't he know Thor already had that market cornered?

  I was never one for silence… so I broke it.

  "Hey! The 'Neighborhood Welcome Committee!' Thanks for coming out. But, unfortunately, you caught me without any cookies. I do appreciate you showing up without cloaking, though. Really helps with the targeting."

  The reptilian warrior, Sizzle, smirked in his sleek battle armor. He hefted his flamethrower and hissed through a filtered mask. "The Commisssioner sssends hisss regardsss."

  "Ah, that's nice. It's always s-ssspecial to feel cared about."

  The female, Sparks, cracked her whips. They pulsed with current, thirsty for action.

  "Nice whips," I smiled. "Kinky."

  "We ain't got no DNF discs," she snarled. "You and your plant won't get rid of us that easily."

  The third one, Magma, simply punched a fist into his palm. Blackened glass spikes formed atop his knuckles.

  "The strong silent type, eh? Nice party trick."

  The fourth, Quake, twirled his hammers.

  "I don't suppose you're here to fix my sink?"

  "Enough jokesss, human!" Sizzle snarled. "Playtime isss over!"

  "And see... I thought playtime was just beginning. Why else would we have these wonderful toys?"

  Three refbots materialized to observe the action. I already knew they weren't here to penalize the assassins. They kept their beady little camera eyes trained on me.

  “Oh good. The gang’s all here.”

  I tightened my grip on the pizza cutters. Count Basil flexed his vines.

  "ERNI, a little mood music for our guests?"

  ERNI announced, "Now Playing: Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J."

  The four killers looked around, curious, as the track boomed from my helmet speakers. LL's fierce lyrics punched through the air as I bounced on my feet—a boxer ready for the starting bell.

  Sizzle rushed at me. Ding!

  WOOSH!

  His flamethrower belched fire, curving through the sulfuric air in a deadly arc.

  I scrambled left, but the blistering heat was still enough to make my armor's cooling system whine. The ground beneath us shifted and fractured—unstable like everything else in this shithole.

  I slashed Sizzle’s thigh with Slice. The cut wasn’t deep, but blood sprayed. He looked up at me, shocked.

  “You… cut me?”

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

  He looked over at the refbots for help. They looked at one another, confused as to why none of them were throwing a flag.

  Sizzle turned back to me—eyes wide with realization—I was no longer constrained by their rigged rules.

  “Surprise!”

  I kicked him in the chest with my spiked boots, sending him flying.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  Count B's warning saved me as I ducked just in time to evade Sparks' whip. The electric rope crackled just above, ionizing the air. I somersaulted backwards as five more whips lashed forward like deadly snakes.

  I brought Slice up in a defensive position—the chainsaw blade caught one of her whips, shredding it. The severed tendril sparked and writhed on the ground. Unfortunately, the move left my back exposed.

  CRUNCH!

  Magma's spiked, molten fist rammed into my lower back.

  "UNGHH!"

  Pain screamed through my spine as the punch drove me to my knees.

  Still, my armor held up. That hit would have pulverized an unprotected human.

  I didn't have time to recover.

  Quake's hammers whooshed towards my head. Count B flipped us aside, the hammers smashing the ground where my skull would have been. The impacts ruptured the sulfuric crust, sending spider cracks rippling outward. Steam hissed from the fissures, adding to the hellish atmosphere.

  KRAACK!

  A whip bit around my ankle.

  Electricity crackled, enveloping my armor and coursing through my body.

  “FUUUUCK-ZZZZZZ.”

  Count B twitched, also getting shocked. Sparks yanked the whip—

  WHAM!

  —slamming me, face-first, into the ground.

  She tugged me towards her like a roped steer. I stabbed my spinning blades into the ground, digging in, carving a trench as she reeled me in.

  Sizzle raced forward, lining up another shot with his flamethrower.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  Count B tossed an obsidian boulder at Sizzle. His flamethrower shattered it, sending jagged, molten spray right back at him. The blistering spikes pierced his armor like fiery daggers.

  He shrieked like a little bitch.

  Sparks cracked two more whips. They coiled around each of my wrists. The electric shocks burned with agonizing intensity.

  COUNT BASIL: ..l-leeafzzzzz!

  I clenched my teeth and fought to hold onto the pizza cutters.

  "GAAAH! H-HAAANG ONNN BUDDY!

  I slashed free of the whips as Magma grabbed me by the shoulder pads. He lifted me up to see his smoldering smile.

  I head-butted his face and immediately regretted it as the unbearable heat radiated through my visor.

  Count B slapped Magma’s face, but quickly retracted his vines as the tips of his leaves burned off.

  Magma squeezed my shoulders inward like a vice. I felt my bones shift and pop—compressing—on the verge of shattering.

  "Ch-check… your… f-feet!" I wheezed.

  He looked down.

  The trench I carved with the pizza cutters split beneath him. His feet shifted and the crust gave way. He stumbled backwards, loosening his grip just enough for me to kick off his chest, back-flipping away.

  As he splashed into an acid pool, he clawed at the ground, molten hands slicing through the rock like fingers through wet cement.

  KRAACK!

  Another whip wrapped around my neck. Electricity tore through my nervous system, sending waves of agony through my body.

  Writhing in pain, Count B returned the favor, lashing his vines around Spark's neck. The electric current rippled back across his vines, invading her body.

  It was a standoff. Who would fry or choke out first?

  I slashed free of Spark’s whip and doubled over, heaving for air.

  No longer electrified, Count B continued to choke her. Sparks used her last remaining whip to slice through his vines. I felt B shudder from the pain.

  I snapped.

  Though I could barely breathe, a scream of rage bellowed out—

  “THAT’S MY FUCKING PLANT!”

  I charged.

  Slice and Dice spun faster, chainsaw blades glowing red with thermal expansion.

  Sparks lashed a whip and Slice caught it—his blade spooling it in like deadly pasta.

  VRRRR!

  Electricity rifled through my body again, but I didn't let go.

  Instead, I yanked with all my might, tugging Sparks off balance. She stumbled forward as Sizzle blasted another burst of flame.

  The fire consumed her head, burning the hair and flesh from her skull. She screamed—exposed facial muscles cooking to well done.

  Her howl ended as her tongue incinerated.

  THROOSH!

  I slashed the pizza cutters down, lopping all six of her arms off at the shoulders.

  A boiling mist of blood sprayed from the stumps as she toppled over dead.

  One down.

  But there was no time to celebrate.

  Quake's hammers blurred in with a devastating combo.

  I blocked the first two with Slice and Dice, but the third crushed my ribs.

  THRACKK!

  Bones cracked.

  Pain erupted throughout my chest as I staggered back. Sizzle took advantage, pressing the attack, his flamethrower roaring. I coughed out blood, trying to roll away, but the flames engulfed my legs.

  "AAAH!"

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  Count Basil ripped the armored chest-plate from Sparks' corpse and used it to deflect the flames back at Sizzle’s face.

  The lizard's mask melted, fusing with his scales.

  "EEEAHHHH!”

  He screamed and dropped his weapon—clawing at his face, peeling clumps of molten metal and meat, leaving grooves of exposed bone.

  I didn't waste the opportunity.

  VSSHH!

  I brought Slice across with a horizontal slash. Blood geysered from his wrists as his hands plopped on the ground.

  VSSSHH!

  His lidless eyes stared as Dice followed, gashing his throat.

  His head flopped backwards like an open PEZ dispenser, held on by a few strands of tissue.

  I pressed a finger against his hinged head and it snapped off—his body collapsing.

  Two down.

  Magma clawed his way out of the acid pool. He raged towards me, his body glowing.

  With each bounding step, the ground beneath him turned to glass. I tensed, waiting until the last moment, then dropped down, sliding through his legs.

  He charged past me, directly into Quake's hammer swing.

  KROOOM!

  The impact was catastrophic.

  Hunks of steaming rock sprayed as Magma's chest caved in. I tumbled away from the superheated debris, arcing both pizza cutters around, catching the back of his ankles.

  VRRRRSHH!

  Both feet sheared off and his massive body slammed down.

  Count B's vines wrapped around the wounded giant. They sizzled and burned as B tugged all four of Magma's limbs.

  COUNT BASIL: Leeeeeeeeeeaf!!!

  His vines blackened as Magma's weakened body finally succumbed to the strain—ripping apart in a shower of molten gore. Wads of smoking rock-flesh hissed as they landed back in the acid pool.

  Count B's burnt vines fell limp.

  Three down.

  Quake took a step back, their hammers raised in a defensive position.

  They spoke—voice modulated with a filter. "You're no delivery boy."

  I stood, ignoring the screaming pain raging through my body. I looked right at the confused refbots, using their cameras to directly call out a green motherfucker a few galaxies away.

  "Yes, I am. And I got a message to deliver."

  Quake charged, their hammers spinning in a deadly flurry.

  I gripped my cutters and waited for the perfect moment.

  He lunged.

  The first hammer missed my helmet by inches. The second hit the auto shields of my cutters. I winced as the force of the impact jarred my broken ribs.

  Count B's remaining healthy vines shot out from the quest sack, wrapping around Quake's legs. As he struggled for balance, I brought both pizza cutters down in a slashing V formation—

  SKROOOICHHHH!

  —sawing through armor, flesh, and bone from both shoulders, meeting together at the groin.

  Quake's scream echoed across the entire valley as their torso leaked blood at the V-shaped seam. They stood there a moment.

  "Here's the message… You fucked with the wrong baker! NOW, WATCH ME COOK!!!”

  I kicked them in the chest.

  Their lower half remained standing, while the V-shaped cutout of their torso flung away, plunging into the pool of acid.

  SPLOOSH!

  It sunk, bubbling down to nothing.

  Their lower half toppled over, coiled guts dumping out of the angular midsection.

  The refbots looked at one another, quizzical, still bewildered at why they hadn't been able to throw any flags. They turned back to me.

  I stared into their cameras and flipped Krivlax the bird.

  "And, I'm just warming up."

  They teleported away and I collapsed to my knees.

  ERNI killed the music, and I felt the full brunt of my injuries. I had been so fired up, I hadn’t even noticed the health alert.

  Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!

  My vision flashed red. My heartbeat drummed. Count B's vines were scorched and tattered. I hunched over, every breath sending daggers into my chest.

  “Might I suggest you use one of your 3 remaining Med-Kits?” ERNI chirped.

  I nodded.

  Med-Kit applied.

  Count B’s leaves regrew and my heartbeat and breathing eased as the Med-Kit took effect.

  I looked over at the acid pool. It burped bubbles of curdled blood atop the toxic soup.

  “You know…” ERNI commented. “I rather liked that song. I must add it to my favorites.”

  Count B rustled softly in the quest sack.

  COUNT BASIL: ...leaf?

  "Yeah, buddy. G would’ve been proud.”