3rd Quarter: 30:17:33
Warriors: 2,123,855
Mission: Retrieve Orb.
The Med-Kit did its magic as I stood over the aftermath of our battle. The bodies of Sizzle, Spark, Magma, and Quake smoldered in the acid pit.
SPLOOSH!
I kicked Quake’s bisected lower half into the pool as a series of notifications flashed.
Auto-Looted Warriors.
Items Acquired:
Pulse Hammers.
Molten Knuckles.
Electric Whips.
1 Bottle: Hellblaze Flamin’ Hot Sauce.
Hot sauce? God, what I wouldn’t give for some buffalo wings.
These were interesting pickups, but nothing I would choose over my pizza cutters. More importantly, I had destroyed Krivlax’s assassin squad. I’m sure he was pissed and planning to send more mercenaries my way.
----
We moved on, as I cracked open our last hydration canister. I offered half to Count B. Now that he was no longer potted, he simply dumped the liquid onto his torso, which was made up of a clump of soiled roots. His body sucked in the moisture as he slathered over it with a leaf.
He handed the can back. I couldn’t tell him how truly gross that looked.
I guzzled the rest of the fluid, but it wasn’t nearly enough. Both of us were still thirsty. I walked to the nearest acid pool and contemplated whether I should use my armor hydro-conversion pack.
The simmering pit belched green bubbles.
Hmm… yeah, no.
I imagined if I stuck my boot into that cesspool of acid, I would draw back a bony nub.
We followed the orb indicator on the map. Over time, the sweltering heat took its toll. Even with its climate control system, Count B and I were both steaming inside of the Invisi-Built armor’s forcefield.
“God, what I wouldn’t give for a Slurpee right now.”
“What is a Slurpee?” ERNI asked.
“Oh man, you haven’t lived until you had one. They were these big, frozen red and blue concoctions that were sold by a chain of convenience stores called 7-Eleven. Made up of 100% sugar and 0% nutrition. And, if you drank them fast enough, you’d get brain freeze.”
“They sound like a health hazard.”
“Yes. But I would give my left nut for one right now.”
“Was it common for humans to barter with testicles?”
“No.” I laughed. “God, you’re such a literalist, ERNI. Humans were just… extra. We liked to use metaphors to describe stuff. You know… hype things up.”
“I see. Well, then… I would give my left nut for a 2.8 Pentaherz Zyrilliumite processor upgrade.”
“There you go! That’s the spirit!”
COUNT BASIL: Leaaaf.
“Right… and a tall, sexy cactus. Got it.”
----
We were 20 kilometers northwest of the orbs when I saw a familiar holographic icon that looked like a sports bottle. As we approached, I spotted an alien creature in an ISL jumpsuit. The info box above him read:
ISL Hydration Agent. Level 14.
Of course one of these shifty dealers would be posted up here. With this blazing heat and lack of natural resources, he stood to make a killing.
I cycled through my playbook, analyzing what things I’d be willing to barter. I had a pretty decent stash, and this time at least I knew what I was getting myself into.
I approached the agent.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
He initially spoke in an alien tongue, but clicked over to English soon enough.
“Afternoon, friend. Feeling thirsty?”
“You read my mind.”
He opened his cooler, showcasing a chilled spread of bottled beverages.
“They look great. I want all of them.”
“Easy there, cowboy! You do know these things come with a price?”
“I’m well aware. How about we skip through all the bargaining bullshit, and I offer you these?”
I called up Quake’s Pulse Hammers, Magma’s Molten Knuckles, and Spark’s Electric Whips. All three hovered midair.
The hydration agent’s eyes went wide. He rubbed his paws together as drool seeped from his lips.
“Fella, you’ve got yourself a deal!”
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“Hold on.” I waved. “You gotta sweeten the pot. Word on the street is you have some… ’performance enhancers.’ Let’s see some of the off-menu items.”
He grinned with a nod, looking both ways, then opening his jacket.
“You’re my kind of customer,” he smiled.
He had two syringes hanging inside.
“I’ll take both.”
“But, you don’t even know what they are.”
“Does that really matter?”
His smile spread wider. “I like the cut of your jib, mister. Maybe, I can also interest you in this upgrade chip for your AI gauntlet? Amplifies enemy weakness analysis.”
“Throw it in.”
“You got it.”
Count B’s vines reached for one of the bottles in the cooler.
“Say, is that a sentient plant you got there?” The agent perked up. “Now look, if you’re willing to deal him, we could open up a whole other host of negotiations.”
“My plant is not for sale.”
“Well, wait a minute now. Maybe you don’t realize what you’re sitting on. Sentient plants go for a hell of a lot off-world. I mean, maybe I could interest you in a mech suit, or… oooh, I know someone who could do a massive credit dump. Untraceable funds… you get me?”
“Like I said… plant’s not for sale.”
“All right, okay, I hear you.” He waved, reading the stern look on my face. “Well, if you’re not going to sell him to me, maybe you might be interested in this.”
He reached behind the cooler and brought out what looked like a hover pot.
“It’s called a sidecar. Enables your little buddy there to operate autonomously. Instead of having it strapped to your back all the time, he can move on his own. Comes with a built-in reinforced force field. Now, I normally wouldn’t let this go for anything less than 100,000 credits. But you seem like a savvy bargainer. Tell you what. I’ll let this go for those two pizza cutters.”
“Fuck off,” I snapped.
“Easy, hoss. No need for the hostility. What did you have in mind, then?”
I pulled up the Insecto-Exoskeleton and Swift Armor.
“I’m going to give you both of these armor suits, which are worth way more than your sidecar. You’re going to take them, give me your entire stock, and keep your goddamn hands off my plant.”
“Sure, sure. You got yourself a deal, mister.”
I watched as the contents of his cooler disappeared, adding to my playbook.
Items Acquired:
Galaxy-Ade x6.
Nebula Fuel x6.
Healer-Ade x2.
QuillHogg Jerky x4
Aste-Roid Syringes x2
I pulled Count B out of the quest sack, setting him on the ground—surprised to see that he had sprouted sturdy legs.
The hydration agent prepared the sidecar hover pot.
“Now, you want to make sure that your little fella is nice and secure in here. I’ll tell you what… these things are—LOOK OUT!!!!”
He pointed behind me.
SHIIING!
I turned, drawing my pizza cutters, but didn’t see anything.
“What?! What did you see?!”
I turned back around. The cooler had disappeared, and the hydration agent was running off with Count Basil.
“HEY!!! GET BACK HERE WITH MY FUCKING PLANT!!!”
I gave chase, proud that Count Basil was raining down blows on the agent. The fucker was fast and could take a hell of a punch. Count B was laying into him, but it didn’t affect him all that much. I guess that made sense. He probably was all shot up with Aste-Roids.
The chase led across violent terrain as we scrambled through unstable ground, pockmarked with hissing fissures and lava blasts. Eventually, Count B’s punches proved too much.
The hydration agent tossed him aside and teleported away. I caught up to Count B and lifted him back inside my quest sack.
“Hey, dude, you alright?”
He flashed me a leafs up.
“Sorry about your sidecar, dude. We’ll get you another one.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
He understood.
While it would have been cool for him to operate separately, this whole escapade made us both appreciate the value of staying close to one another.
----
I flipped down the Veil-Rift Visor.
I had learned that despite its more… interesting visual revelations, it also had the added benefits of thermal, night vision, and an enhanced magnification mode similar to binoculars.
I perched behind a hardened lava formation, staring into the distance. The land was cracked and shifting, leaking magma. Two orbs hovered midair amid rippling heat waves. And there was something else—a clump of dead birds on the ground. Sizzling pools of flame lined the perimeter.
Because, of course the floor is lava.
ME: I don’t know, ERNI… what do you think?
ERNI: I am detecting tectonic instability… this could be indicative of an imminent volcanic event.
I scoped my map, which was devoid of any red or yellow dots. The coast was clear, but I knew better than to trust that.
As I neared the orbs, we passed through a scattered pile of freshly killed
Lava Hawks. Level 4.
I stooped down and inspected the creatures. All of them were punctured with stab wounds. There was no available loot. The whole scenario seemed odd, like someone had done us an unintentional favor.
I scanned the map again. Still clear.
ME: Hey, ERNI… any of this making sense to you?
ERNI: I cannot say that it does.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf…
ME: Ahh, what are you worried about? Sometimes, things just work out for your boy. Take the win.
I dusted my hands off with a smug smile and approached the orbs.
Interception!
A warrior zipped by, snatching the orbs, sprinting down the molten landscape.
“WHAT THE—?!”
I took off, giving chase.
“HEY! THOSE ARE MINE!”
What was this… ‘Steal from Sam Day?’
The warrior wasn’t waiting around. He was moving fast—juking, spinning, and hurtling over the jagged terrain. Fortunately, I was fast too. Between my father’s genes and my cross-country training, I kept up pretty well.
PLOOOSH!! GOOOSH!!! WHOOOSH!!
We dashed back and forth, zig-zagging between deadly geysers of flame. Plumes of lava burst through the ground, firing up as blazing columns.
ME: How the hell did we miss this guy?
ERNI: It appears he is using some sort of gaming glitch that jams radar.
ME: But, that’s what the Ghost Detector is for.
ERNI: Unfortunately, with these extreme temperatures, the minuscule environmental differentials were not enough to trigger an alert.
ME: That’s awesome.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
I was gaining on him and he knew it. He kept peeking back over his shoulder.
“THAT’S RIGHT FUCKER! I’M RIGHT HERE!”
He pressed a button on his armo—
PSHOOM!
—enabling some sort of speed boost.
ME: What the hell?! Does he have NOS in that thing?!
He sped forward, turning back to flip me off. Unfortunately, that move would be his last. He was still giving me the bird when—
SPLORSH!
Fumble!
—he ran right into a fresh pillar of lava.
The poor bastard never even had time to scream. The gushing flames instantly stripped him to bone. I passed his smoking skeleton and retrieve the two orbs.
Mission Complete: Retrieve Orb x2.
Reward: +60,000 Points.
New Trophy: Turnover Battle!
Reward: +10,000 Points.
Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.
I stared at the thief’s skull as lava maggots wriggled in his eye sockets.
“That’s a shame. I really had a bone to pick with him.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
“Aw, come on. Every kick-ass movie hero delivers cheesy lines like that.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Okay, I may not be Arnold Schwarzenegger, but you’re no Vin Diesel either.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Eh, okay… maybe Nicolas Cage.”
I handed B the orbs and he tucked them back inside the quest sack. I guzzled a bottle of GalaxyAde, my mind still reeling from all of the events.
“What the hell was that?”
“My post-scenario analysis indicates it was an ambush.”
“You know, ERNI, sometimes your analytics are mind-blowing.”
“Thank you. More than likely, the warrior used his gaming glitch to determine orb coordinates. He killed the creatures and laid in wait knowing that an unsuspecting warrior—you—would come to claim your orbs, triggering a fresh orb spawn.”
“Got it.”
Yet another surprise in this fucked up game. Something I’d have to keep watch for going forward.
We set out towards the scoring zone. It was 20 clicks away. Count B used the time to lecture me about overconfidence.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf. Leaf. Leaf.
“Yeah, yeah…I hear you.”
I remember when he didn’t speak.
