They say ‘What happens in Vegas… stays in Vegas.’

  They weren’t lying.

  And this monster was proof.

  It was every ’transgression’ and ’sin’ ever committed here, preserved in a horrifying flesh tableau—

  The Regretipede. Level 15.

  The beast’s segmented body sprouted from the ground like a nightmare birth—pulsing and undulating with bloodied slime.

  Each segment was a translucent yellow sac—a horrifying spring roll—filled with partially-liquefied warrior remains.

  And its legs—holy shit, its legs—were actual human beings.

  Writhing, moaning, tortured souls, fused and welded at unnatural angles to form jointed appendages.

  They scraped against pavement, bloody heads and fingers smearing to pulp, legs kicking the air—all forced to move in unison like grotesque meat puppets.

  Some still wore the tattered scraps of tourist clothes and casino uniforms.

  COUNT BASIL: …leaf…

  “Yeah…”

  With one word, B summed up what I thought.

  Say what you will about Vegas… Sin City…

  I’m sure a lot of these people made regrettable decisions. I’m sure that some of those decisions might also have lead to an early demise.

  But ,there’s one decision I’m sure they didn’t make…

  …and that was to be melted down into a goddamn regret bug.

  We were gonna fix that.

  “HEY, FLESHLIGHT!” I shouted through cupped hands. “LOOKIN’ TO PARTY?!”

  The monster’s head swiveled toward us, shrieking a blend of a thousand tortured souls.

  Its face was a mosaic of melded heads—mouths moving, skin stretched—tearing and fused. Its mandibles were elongated human arms terminating into razor-sharp talons that clicked with anticipation.

  And the biggest nightmare fuel—those eyes—thousands of human eyes, dotting its face in chaotic clusters, all blinking independently, looking directly at us.

  ME: ERNI…?

  ERNI: Right. My analysis is—“that’s a HUGE BITCH!”

  His screen was glitching.

  Although I appreciated the Deuce Bigalowe reference, we needed an actual plan. And I didn’t get the sense that Mr. Regretipede would be cool if I simply strolled up and asked for his balls.

  The monster’s antennae were squirming human spines, topped with skulls that had just enough face meat to express agony. Their clicking jaws released a discordant howl.

  ERNI: My analysis suggests this creature is composed of approximately 1,163 Las Vegas visitors and residents.

  ME: Yeah. That’s about what it looks like. This definitely wasn’t on the brochure.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  The beast lunged forward—its massive bulk moving with impossible speed—smashing through the cracked remains of the Bellagio’s grand entrance.

  Marble columns shattered as it charged through, firing debris in all directions.

  We took a few hits. Nothing major. Cuts and scrapes.

  I flipped backward, narrowly avoiding the snapping ‘hu-mandibles’.

  Count B lassoed a light pole, yanking us further out of harm’s way as the creature’s human legs smashed the pavement where I’d just been standing.

  The leg raised back up, revealing the crushed torsos of a loan shark shivving a bettor.

  VRRRR!

  Slice and Dice growled. Hungry. Spinning to max speed and size. The Veil-Rift Visor zoomed in—

  Targeting Mode.

  ME: Hell called. They want this motherfucker back!

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  I sprinted forward, ducking beneath a sweeping leg—a fused tangle of what looked to be the middle of a drug deal gone sour.

  I slashed upward.

  SKOOICH!

  Slice tore through the translucent membrane, the blade whirling through the creature’s underbelly.

  SKREEEE!

  The monster wailed as geysers of gloppy pus sprayed from the wound.

  GLOOSH! CLANK!

  Bits of undigested warrior armor clattered to the ground.

  The smell crashed down like an actual wave—a hot rush of boiling innards—combined with the stench of rotting flesh and beast bile.

  I staggered back, gagging, as the creature pivoted with surprising agility. One of its leg-clusters swept by. It appeared to be a former bachelor party. It curved up and around—an uppercut—nailing me in the jaw.

  THWACK!

  The punch sent me flying.

  KOOOM!

  I crashed through the remains of a decorative fountain. Plaster and piping tore away. Bones broken for sure. Blood under my tongue.

  KRUNCH!

  My spine cracked against marble. Pain ripped through my body.

  Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  Count B extended his vines to cushion our descent. He dragged us behind a fallen chunk of casino wall just as the Regretipede spat a rope of acidic bile.

  HISSSSS!

  The bubbling fluid ate through the concrete where I’d just been.

  ERNI: The creature’s digestive fluids appear to be highly corrosive.

  ME: Spot on, as always, ERNI. Now, what the hell’s its weakness?

  ERNI: Its segmented anatomy suggests… targeting the connective tissue in-between.

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  Count B peeked over the wall as a humandible stabbed past, missing his leafy head by inches.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  “Yeah, I see it too.”

  The mangled Bellagio fountain stretched out between us and the monster. The warped pipes continued to spew clumps of human slurry.

  I popped a Med-Kit, feeling a warm internal rush as my fractured bones fused.

  Shield Repeater Activated.

  ME: Okay, B… it’s that time. You ready?

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf.

  Count B flashed a surf’s up symbol with leafy fingers, then—

  —flipped through the air.

  There are moments in life, that we watch awestruck… marveling for just one moment, at the pure joy of seeing a loved one fully embrace their shine.

  This was one such moment.

  Watching Count B arc through the air, unfurling like a muscular sail… gliding with a warrior’s grace.

  I could almost hear the majestic, slow-rising horns of Strauss’s Also Sprach Zarathustra swelling in the background.

  He landed, pumping a leafy fist. His body was still enveloped with an aura of protection by the invisible shield repeater.

  ME: Okay B, you’re on your own. Watch your distance… and no hero shit!

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf-leaf!

  B rumbled ahead, like a gyroscopic tank on a rolling ball of leafy treads. He snatched up debris from the fountain and flung it at the monster’s face.

  The creature turned, furious.

  I dashed in the opposite direction, sliding beneath a cracked casino sign. The Regretipede was fixated on Count B, who was scrambling between collapsed pillars with impressive speed for a basil plant.

  I circled behind the monster, eyeing the gap between its two largest segments. The cloudy yellow membrane looked thinner there, stretching like sausage skin.

  SHIIING!

  I leapt onto the creature’s back—

  GOICKK!

  —stabbing both cutters right into the junction.

  SKRRRRRRK!

  The blades bit through husk and guts, sawing in opposite directions, ripping the beast open.

  The creature bucked wildly, nearly tossing me off. I held onto the cutters, which in turn, clawed further into its back.

  The Regretipede reared up, thrashing in pain. Count B tugged the creature from both sides, its middle section tearing—yellow jelly spurting from the widening wound.

  SKREEEEEAAAAA!

  ME: That’s it, B!

  Victory was in sight—until the beast’s antennae swiveled around. The skull-tips locked onto me. They struck like vipers, one puncturing my bicep through the armor.

  “GAAAAHH!”

  Hot pain sizzled throughout my body as the skull fangs injected something into my bloodstream.

  My vision doubled… then tripled—the world burning away to a blur.

  Warning: Toxin Detected!

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  The monster pitched back and forth, and this time I couldn’t hold on.

  I flew through the air, smashing through the glass window of a luxury boutique. I crashed down onto a melted heap of designer handbags and shoes.

  ME: …ow…

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  My vision flashed red. My heartbeat thumped in my ears.

  I guzzled a bottle of Healer-Ade as the bruising damage and toxin both continued to assault my system. Weak and dizzy, I struggled to stand.

  COUNT BASIL: LEAF!

  Through the broken window, I saw Count B desperately dodging the creature’s ramped up attacks.

  One of the Regretipede’s legs swung around and caught B—

  WHAM!

  —batting him into the contaminated fountain basin. B thrashed around in the corrosive liquid, leaves smoking from the mixture.

  “B!” I screamed, staggering forward.

  The Regretipede whipped its head towards me, hissing.

  ME: Jesus, it heals fast.

  The wound in its back was already closing up with a gooey mucus plug.

  KRASH!

  The creature burst through the storefront—concrete flying—mandibles clicking. Its flock of eyes stared wide, wet with rage.

  I darted out from the shadows, remnants of the toxin still blurring my steps.

  Biceps bulging, and yes that detail’s essential,I grabbed a broken slot machine and used all my enhanced strength to hurl it at the incoming creature.

  “KA-CHING MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

  WHAM!

  It crashed against the creature’s face, exploding into a hailstorm of coins and sharp metal. The impact smeared its left bank of eyes into a puddle of ocular goo.

  The creature howled as the shrapnel sheared off an antenna, and wounded a leg cluster made of two prostitutes strangling their pimp.

  Rest in peace…

  The beast roared, whipping its other antennae around.

  I moved, but not fast enough.

  THACK!

  The skull-tip blew out my kneecap, crumpling me to the ground.

  “AAAAHHH!”

  Pain seared through my leg. I clutched it, heartbeat throbbing.

  Through blurred vision, I saw Count B drag himself from the fountain. His leaves were burned, sickly vines thinned by the corrosive liquid. But he was still alive and still fighting.

  The Regretipede hovered over me, mandibles spread wide.

  It stared at me, an almost profound curiosity on its welded together face. It leaned in, close, as if to whisper something.

  Instead it opened its mouth, affording me a spiraling view of flaming bodies, churning within its endless insides.

  The beast chittered—its heat, scent and sound all bearing unspeakable agony.

  The creature arched its head up, preparing to strike.

  I was desperate, fumbling through my playbook. I called up the first thing that came to mind—

  1 Bottle: Hellblaze Flamin’ Hot Sauce.

  I threw it into the creature’s mouth and rolled aside as it struck the ground. The tremor sent pain screaming through my nerve centers.

  The beast, flung its head back, coughing and gagging on the hot sauce. It belched, its drippy maw melting from roaring flames.

  The monster squealed as the fire spread, engulfing its head, bubbling the skin away to the red under-meat.

  I scrambled back as the beast thrashed its legs—still recognizable as wailing humans. The beast stumbled and—

  SPLOICH!

  —impaled itself on a jutting steel beam.

  “HE GOT THE POINT.”

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  I couldn’t help myself.

  The Healer-ade had counteracted the toxin and my knee was starting to mend. I limped closer. Count B joined me over the fallen monster.

  We stood there… watching those twisted faces, writhing along its skin. I pitied their souls.

  This was no way to go.

  The creature’s health bar had one sliver remaining. I had been so focused on the fight, I hadn’t glanced at it once.

  I walked over so that it could see me.

  “Tell them. The other monsters. Tell them right now via your antennae. Tell them how you fought today and how you believed you would win.”

  I approached, Slice and Dice whirring up.

  “Tell them the pain you felt when your attacks failed. The fear you feel now, knowing what’s next.”

  I approached the creature’s mid-section.

  The Veil-Rift Visor highlighted something hanging beneath the monster. It zoomed in, x-ray vision parsing through hidden folds of translucent flesh, revealing two massive, pulsating sacs—each the size of a beach ball.

  [PRIME TARGET!]

  They cast an unearthly glow, pulsing in concert with the creature’s movements.

  ME: Ball gems. Spotted. Six o’clock.

  “Tell them that The Sacker is coming for them!”

  I raised both cutters up—the blades switching to their most lethal setting—a combination of chainsaw and plasma.

  “Or better yet. Don’t tell them at all!”

  VRRRRRR-HMMMMM!

  The monster’s head swiveled toward me, hundreds of eyes flashing wide open.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf.

  Count B understood the assignment. He yanked the creature back by the neck, forcing it to rear up, exposing its underside.

  The Regretipede fought back, but Count B held firm, his vines bulging with strength.

  I slashed beneath the monster—

  SKLRRRIIIITCH!

  —the blades connected with the fleshy sacs, tearing through the juicy membrane.

  The monster howled—a sound that seemed to come from every soul trapped within. Yellow gel gushed from the wound, drenching me in viscous bug juice.

  But I didn’t stop.

  I kept right on cutting, severing the fleshy ropes that held the sac to the creature’s body.

  SHLOOOOP!

  The testicles tore free, dropping onto my chest with a wet, heavy thud.

  They were horrifying—containing human faces, visible beneath the milky surface, mouths opening and closing like fish out of water.

  Death was mercy.

  The Regretipede shuddered one final time, then collapsed in a steaming heap of wet bones and meat.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf?

  “I’m… okay,” I gasped, pushing the sacs off me. They rolled across the pavement, smearing yellow fluid.

  Victory! Regretipede Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!

  Reward: +100,000 Points!

  Savage Multiplier 10x Flashy Kill Bonus!

  Reward: +750,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Leaf Walker.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted Regretipede.

  Items Acquired:

  Scrotalux Gems x2.

  Buggin Out Latex Gonopod Wraps.

  Presidential Suite Key - The Luxor.

  $10,000 in Single Dollar Bills.

  2,000 Casino Chips.

  1 Hip Flask (1/2 full with Whiskey).

  1 Rolled Joint.

  1 Bottle of Pink Antacid.

  1 Bottle of Aspirin.

  1 Box of Plan B.

  1 Pregnancy test.

  “Man… this bug knew how to party.”

  “That is an understatement,” ERNI chirped.

  I staggered over to the melting balls. All of the sack jelly had boiled away, leaving two steaming Scrotalux Gems—each bigger than we’d seen before. They were the size of watermelons, glowing green and orange.

  “Whoa. This guy wasn’t compensating. I don’t know why he was so angry.”

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf.

  We reached out and touched the gems. The moment my fingertips made contact, a surge of unmatched power coursed throughout my body.

  My muscles swelled, growing bigger than before. Veins bulged beneath my skin as my arms and legs thickened.

  My wounds closed up, body and flesh regenerating with remarkable speed.

  Count B also received healing and more—his vines expanding in diameter to the size of fire hoses. His entire plant body flexed and stretched with newfound vitality.

  COUNT BASIL: LEEEAAAF!

  “Hell yeah!”

  I stowed the gems and raised our orbs. They disappeared with the usual fanfare.

  Orbdown! x2

  Reward: +250,000 Points!

  I looked down at the Regretipede’s oozing remains. I watched as flesh melted, limbs untangled, and the people wax began to dissolve back to individual human forms.

  “Do you think they’re all free now?” I asked, somber.

  Count B’s leafy arm rested on my shoulder.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf.

  He pointed at an eyeball—inching along the pavement.

  KOICHH!

  “Okay. Now they’re all free.”