As we rocketed through the teleportation wormhole, Count B decided to slip out of the quest sack and stretch his legs.
FOOMP!
Bad idea. The transport was instantly packed with shrubbery. I could barely breathe.
PTOOEY!
I spit out a leaf, clawing through vines to get some air.
“B! Do you mind?!”
He retracted his limbs, slicking his ‘hair’ back like a greaser.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Yeah, I’m sure ’chicks dig the hair.’ Just keep it on your side.”
I scanned new notifications on the HUD.
LEVEL UP!
You Have Reached Level 7!
Reward: +250,000 Points!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Testicle Taker’ to ‘Neutering Nemesis.’
New Abilities:
+5% Faster Healing.
+5% Striking Power.
+5% Gem Essence Absorption.
“Neutering Nemesis… that sounds a bit better, right? I mean, Nemesis is pretty badass.”
B shrugged, half-hearted.
“I think it sounds very legit,” ERNI commented. “Now Playing 2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer.”
“Yeah… no we’re okay, ERNI. Thanks. But why don’t you go ahead and add it to the playlist?”
As he glitched more, ERNI started cross-referencing our moments to music. Any time he had a musical suggestion, I encouraged him to add it to the playlist.
And that’s exactly what he did—stitching together a soundtrack for our adventures. I posted it on the Wormhole and it blew up.
“? DJ 3RN1’S STRAIGHT FIRE SLAYER BOWL MIXTAPE”
“I gotta admit, ERN. You’ve got some bangers on here. Some of these jawns are classics.”
“What is a jawn?” He asked.
“Oh man, a jawn is what we used to call everything in Philly. A jawn could be a cute girl…. an astrophysics theory… a football game… a sandwich. It was our go-to, catch-all word. Nothing quite like it, really… Okay, if there was a Philly-to-English dictionary, a few entries might go like this:
English: ‘It is most unfortunate the Eagles lost.’
Philly: ‘Yo, the birds straight blew that jawn!’
English: ‘If you add a little mayonnaise, these finger sandwiches are delicious.’
Philly: ‘Yo, if you put some mayo on these jawns…they fire for real!’
English: ‘Are you referring to the short woman in the red dress? Why yes. She is quite attractive.’
Philly: ‘You talkin’ ‘bout shorty in that red jawn? Yeah, she nice, son. She real nice.’
----
Reality tore open and sealed behind us as we plunged out of the cosmic wormholes and into a blur of green.
Teleportation Completed.
The transport shell evaporated, dumping us into a muddy tangle of vines.
Location: Amazon Rainforest, Basin Region.
Mission: Retrieve Orb.
“AAAACK!”
I spit out an insect.
“I’m getting really SICK OF THESE LANDINGS!!!”
We hacked our way free and onto solid ground. I fingered a plug of mud from my ear and took a few breaths, stunned at how thick the air was.
It was like breathing soup.
The sights and sounds of the rainforest were vivid, assaulting my senses. The noises. The heat. The chittering. The humidity pressing down like a weight. The stench of rot and decay smacked my nostrils like an underpaid pimp.
Brown water farted up bubbles carrying the stink of a thousand stopped up Waffle House toilets.
You know those nice, crisp “rainforest” air fresheners?
Yeah. They don’t fucking come from here.
Count B was visibly excited, vines wagging like a dog who’d stumbled into a field of fire hydrants. This was a homecoming. He stretched his arms, embracing the leafy vines and trunks of his tropical brethren.
COUNT BASIL: Leeaaaf!”
“You never know… these might be your cousins.”
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
COUNT BASIL: …leaf!
He yelped, yanking his leaf free from a thorn.
“Yep. Definitely your cousins.”
I swatted away a bug the size of a golf ball.
“What the hell was that?!”
I scanned the map for red dots. None for now.
ERNI stated, “The Amazon rainforest once contained approximately 40% of Earth’s remaining jungle ecosystems, with biodiversity exceeding—“
“That’s great, National Geographic, but what I need to know is… what should we be on the lookout for? What is trying to kill us RIGHT NOW?!”
“Oh, that’s simple. Everything. This environment contains over 75 species of venomous snakes, 31 types of predatory spiders, 14 varieties of caimans and crocodilians, 8 species of electric eels, numerous parasitic organisms, and plants with contact toxins that can cause—“
“Got it. Got it.”
“Well, and there is also the air itself. Current humidity is 97%, with regional temperatures exceeding 40°C. These conditions can cause fatal heat stroke within 2-3 hours—“
“You know what? Play 2 Legit 2 Quit.”
----
The canopy towered above us—a cathedral of dense greenery, that turned midday to dusk. Light spilled down in broken shafts, illuminating a swirling mist filled with bloodthirsty insects.
HISSSSS! CHOMP!
In quick succession, I watched a fly get snatched by a toad who was chomped by a viper. It slithered away, leaving a serpentine groove in the mud. The forest clicked, chirped, chittered, and screamed. Yep. Actual screams. From what I couldn’t tell. It was all very disconcerting.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“You gotta love it. Chock full of deadly secrets. All the comforts of home.”
We were 10 kilometers from the orb. Sections of forest fell unnaturally silent as we passed by.
I paused and waited, but the silence was patient.
As soon as I moved on, the bushes behind me erupted with vibrant forest cackles.
Hmm. Just the environment reacting to a predator.
Predator.
I had seen that movie way too many times. So, when a tree branch snapped nearby, I felt completely qualified to overthink the situation.
SNAP!
ME: What was that? Sounded too heavy for a rainforest creature. Maybe… Alien? Armed?
ERNI: That is a bit of a logic jump, wouldn’t you say?”
I froze, hands gripping my pizza cutters. Five seconds passed. Ten. Nothing moved. The map was clear. There was no threat.
Was it all in my mind?
Was I losing my shit after days of exhaustion, hunger, and sleep deprivation?
I felt a trickle of sweat streak down my spine as I blushed with embarrassment.
ME: Heh. False alarm. Just keeping us on our toes.
ERNI: Perhaps, I am not the only one glitching.
B shook his head, pushing forward.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
----
VRRRSSHHH!
I chopped through the underbrush with Slice and Dice. The blades made quick work of the green curtains ahead. I felt self-conscious hacking away at vines. I turned to B.
“You sure this isn’t upsetting you, dude? I mean, you know it’s nothing personal, right?”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Okay. Just checking.”
We pushed through the forest, weaving between streaks of light and shafts of shadow.
Every step required concerted effort as we trudged over alternating terrain. One moment, my boots were sinking into squelchy loam. The next, thorns were slashing at my calves.
I passed by strange flowering bushes which released floating spores in tiny puffs of air.
That can’t be good.
The air thickened as we pushed deeper. It carried a metallic tang that coated my tongue and filled my lungs.
A shiny blue butterfly landed on my shoulder. Its wings pulsed once, twice. When I brushed it away, my fingertips smeared with fluorescent powder that wouldn’t wipe clean.
Stained.
Like everything else in this sweltering hellhole.
I grunted ahead, ignoring the sensation of eyes staring at me from every direction.
The rains came in hot, thick drops, slamming down a teaspoon at a time. Thankfully, all this did was awaken the strawberry-sized mosquitos from their midday nap.
No biggie.
The rainforest seemed to stretch out forever—a living labyrinth that was only growing denser by the step.
I swatted something on my neck. It felt like a crushed leaf with fangs. I didn’t even look. Just wiped my hand and kept it moving.
“Hey, ERNI. I’m seeing a lot of new sponsorship offers rolling in. Maybe it’s time to use the clout to go bigger.”
“Bigger?”
“Yeah, you know… capitalize on the fame. The moment. Use it to pressure Krivlax. And, you know, pocketing a few coins wouldn’t be the worst thing either.”
“With all of this newfound attention, I suggest you proceed with caution. The allure of fame has its own costs.
“Whoa… buzzkill much?”
----
I spotted the orbs in a partial clearing about a hundred meters out. They hovered mid air beneath the gnarled branches of a huge tree. The map was free of red dots, but the whole thing looked like a setup.
I knew the drill. Getting near the orbs always attracted monsters. It was a triggering event, just like ’Indy’ lifting the golden statue off its pedestal.
And the more I had progressed through Slayer Bowl, the more that I started to see cracks and hidden seams on the horizon. Invisible fencing that was boxing us in. Ways to play the game and ways to exploit it.
I sprinted towards the orbs and handed them to Count B, who shoved them into the quest sack.
Objective Completed: Retrieve Orb x2.
Reward: +60,000 Points.
Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.
As if on cue, a whiskered monkey scampered down the tree, scratching its head at my feet.
I looked at the map. Sure enough—red dot.
“Ahh… well, aren’t you just the cutest, most clever motherfucker. Let me guess what you do. Sprout tentacles? Vomit fire? No, no, let me guess. You pick and fling your shit but your shit’s got acid in it. How close did I get?”
The monkey grinned and that’s when he did the thing.
The best way I can describe it was to say that he “popcorned.”
POP!
He inverted.
One moment he looked like a monkey. The next, it was as if he had been turned inside out. Everything wet, red, and veiny was on the outside. He had transformed into a glistening flesh goblin.
More red dots sprouted on the map as an info box appeared above the creature.
Invertimal. Level 4.
Mission: Kill Monster Mob.
The invertimal leaped, wet flesh peeling aside to produce a scaly dagger-like appendage.
KLINK!
It glanced off the Veil Rift Visor, which was now in—
Targeting Mode.
SHIIING!
I drew my pizza cutters, landing a quick slash that bit into fleshy’s ass. He didn’t take it well. Screeching. Howling. Rolling back into monkey form.
“Well, you’re just a regular transformer, aren’t you?”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
Six more dropped down from the tree, circling us in monkey form.
“Great. The more of you, the merrier. I was just telling my good friend Count B here. It’s been a while since we’ve gone ape. And you guys look like you can go ape. Am I right?”
The monkeys stared at me—curious—careful to maintain their spacing. They flashed sharp fangs, eyes darting back and forth. Calculating their attack.
That’s okay. I could calculate too.
I’d seen their speed, but I was faster.
POP! POP! POP!
Like clockwork, they popped inside out, inverting into savage flesh beasts. They all leapt into the air, launching their attack in unison.
Count B shot out vines, snatching hold of their tails as I slashed across their necks—
SKOICH!
Their heads kept moving. Their bodies didn’t.
Victory. Invertimals Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Monster Mob.
Reward: +60,000 Points!
Auto-Looted Invertimals.
Items Acquired:
Fur Patch Repair Kit.
1 Tube Exposed Innards Salve: Apply liberally.
Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.
----
We reached the river and with B’s help I crafted a raft. I never was a scout, but I dug the whole merit badge thing. Was jealous I never earned any.
So I put some real elbow grease into making the S.S. Up Yours!
It wasn’t a looker, but it was seaworthy. All in all, I thought I did a bang up job.
Count B put his vines in the water and served as a propellor. With his souped up Scrotalux strength, we were moving.
“ERNI, what was that you were saying earlier… about the cost of fame?”
“Just that I have seen its destructive power before.”
“Yeah, when was that?”
“When I was Dom Blady’s gauntlet.”
