The nipples hissed and snapped above me like fleshy snakeheads.

  Their pulpy necks rotated with individual articulation, as if each nip had a mind of its own.

  Count B sprung forward, plasma swords slashing in a blind fury.

  SHWAP-SHWAP-SHWAP!

  He lopped off four nipples. The creature shrieked, lurching backward, giving me just enough opening to roll free.

  ME: Thanks, B!

  PSSSHHHH!

  A hairy nipple coughed a rope of curdled discharge that narrowly missed us.

  “No thanks! I prefer iced coffee!”

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  ME: ERNI, you gotta give me something!

  ERNI: The creature seems to redirect energy from one gland to another. Perhaps, disrupt that circuit.

  Count B waved his vines, pointing at the shifting nipples.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  I studied the creature’s rhythmic movements and patterns. My eyes zoomed in, noticing how its nipples extended before firing. Zooming back out to see that as certain glands became active, others went limp. The Veil-Rift HUD flashed a quick diagram tracing the energy flow among the various nipples.

  ERNI was onto something.

  The creature had limited energy. It was directing the flow to the nipple’s that needed it most.

  Like a nipple time-share.

  Like a nipple lay-away plan.

  Like a—well, you get the point.

  The monster prepared to attack. I observed its leg nipples drawing energy, enlarging for a better grip and a sturdier stance.

  ME: Look—it anchors itself before attacking!

  Jay and I locked eyes (well… as best we could through mirrored visors).

  ME: We need to pin them down!

  JAY: Kinky!

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  The creature’s slack underbelly stretched taut, dozens of nipples flattening against its skin as the monster prepared another assault. The upper glands bulged with growing pressure.

  SHOONK! SHOONK!

  Count B stabbed two plasma swords down, impaling nipples like toothpicks through cocktail olives, pinning them to the ground.

  The monster howled, bucking and writhing, nipple wounds stretching and tearing as the swords held fast. Its translucent skin pulsed with angry veins as energy desperately rerouted around the damaged areas.

  JAY: Yoooo—Leafy’s got the right idea!

  ME: You know he hates it when you call him that.

  JAY: It’s a term of endearment.

  The NippleGorgon pitched forward, its fleshy mass jiggling. Three swollen nipples prepared to fire.

  VRRRSHHOIK!

  I took all three with a single slash. The puckered glands spat their sour juices as they fell bodiless to the ground.

  SCHUNK!

  Count B stabbed another nipple into the ground.

  SKREEEEEEEEEE!

  The monster wailed and convulsed.

  JAY: It’s working! Watch me cook!

  He swapped his pulse rifle out for a bolt pistol.

  PA-SHUCK! PA-SHUCK! PA-SHUCK!

  He sprinted around the beast, pinning it with railgun bolts, stretching the core mass into an oblong sack of flesh.

  The NippleGorgon thrashed wildly, desperate to dislodge itself. It lurched back and forth, crushing vegetation beneath its massive bulk. Nipples pulsed and strained, frantic, redirecting energy to compensate for the pinned glands.

  I circled the beast using the Veil-Rift Visor’s enhanced peripheral sensors, watching the creature’s desperate attempts to free itself. The visor switched to

  Targeting Mode

  —scanning for vulnerabilities.

  [SEARCHING FOR PRIME TARGET…]

  There was something… deep within the core of the beast. It was hard to pinpoint.

  BLAOH! BLAOH! BLAOH!

  Jay squeezed off a few pulse rounds, lasers scorching the creature’s hide. Each blast left a sizzling crater that quickly filled with pus.

  Count B darted across the clearing, stabbing yet another nipple into the ground.

  SCHUNK!

  The monster’s body twisted and stretched like over-worked pizza dough. Its central mass quivered, unable to balance energy from its immobilized appendages.

  ME: Keep it up! It’s working!

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  I hacked off two more nipples—their fleshy bases contracting wildly as my blades severed their connections—

  VRRSHUNK!

  —sending them flopping to the ground like wet purses.

  The Veil-Rift Visor highlighted something beneath the creature’s stretched underbelly. A faint red glow pulsed beneath layers of fatty flesh.

  [SCANNING… VENTRAL OPENING DETECTED]

  ME: My Visor says there’s some kind of hidden orifice…

  JAY: Some kind of what?

  ME: A hidden body opening… a hole…

  JAY: Okay, but what kind of hole?

  ME: What difference does it make?

  JAY: Man… we’re fighting a giant titty monster and you’re asking me to find a body hole…

  ME: Fair enough… but, I don’t know what kind of hole.

  JAY: I don’t see anything!

  The monster strained against its bindings, nipples stretching to the point of tearing.

  RRRRIP!

  Two nipples ripped free—fleshy halves oozing blood. The monster’s mass pitched forward, increasing tension on the other tacked down tips.

  I dashed around the beast, scanning for the body cavity. The monster rolled towards Jay, revealing what we had been looking for all along—

  ME: JAY, WATCH OUT!!!

  He looked up as the monster’s slimy hole puckered open, engulfing his head with a wet—

  SHGLORP!

  The membrane stretched, swallowing his body whole.

  JAY: AAAAAAAAUUUUU—

  The sphincter sealed behind him.

  JAY: GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

  ME: HANG ON, DUDE!

  COUNT BASIL: LEAF!

  The NippleGorgon’s skin bulged and distorted as Jay thrashed from within. Through my visor, I could see a real time X-RAY of his struggle inside the creature.

  JAY: OH GOD! THE SMELL…!

  The monster bucked, more nipples ripping free from their restraints. Count B held onto other nipples as his vines strained under tension.

  COUNT BASIL: LEAF!

  Jay’s internal movement had borne fruit by disrupting the creature’s organs.

  [PRIME TARGET!]

  The visor now highlighted a glowing mass near the creature’s center.

  ME: HANG ON! I’M LOCKED ON TARGET!

  The NippleGorgon’s entire body spasmed as—

  BLAOH! BLAOH! BLAOH!

  —Jay fired pulsed blasts from within. His muffled curses mixed with the wet sounds of internal damage. The monster’s insides glowed in bursts with each shot.

  SHRRIP!

  More nipples tore free, snapping back to the central mass.

  SKREEEEEEEEEE!

  The creature’s screech was deafening. Count B lost his grip, vines snapping back as the monster thrashed free.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  B pointed as the creatures’ nipples began to tear away from its center mass.

  KWUICH! KWUICH!

  One by one, they elongated into squirming ropes of flesh—whipping through the air with desperate fury.

  The nipple-whips lashed out in all directions, hacking through tree trunks, carving grooves in the ground. Count B tumbled out of the way as the flesh ropes shredded their surroundings.

  Inside the creature, Jay was hysterical. Blasting shot after shot.

  BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

  JAY: DIE MOTHERFUCKAAAAAA!!!!!

  The monster’s skin blackened as searing lasers tore out from inside.

  Chunky pus spurted from widening cracks. The nipple-whips elongated, as the monster raged with a rebel’s soul.

  ME: I’m tired of this titty fucker!

  I double-fisted Slice and Dice, whirring at maximum speed. I plunged them into the thinnest section of flesh over Jay’s position.

  VRRRSPLOICH!

  The blades sliced effortlessly through the monster’s hide, parsing through thick layers of rubbery skin. Clumpy, milky gel gushed out, humming with the smell of rotten trash chutes.

  SPLOOSH!

  Jay tumbled out, covered head-to-toe in viscous slime. He gasped for air, retching and spitting out goo.

  JAY: SHIT IS IN MY MOUTH! Bro, you can’t tell NO ONE about this! You heard me?! THIS GOES STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE!!!

  The NippleGorgon’s gelatinous mass collapsed inward—vitality draining. Its nipple-whips cracked with diminishing vigor as the creature’s health bar plummeted.

  ME: Hold up! We’re not done yet!

  The Veil-Rift Visor highlighted one final target—two massive, glowing sacs buried deep within the creature’s pulsing core.

  [PRIME TARGET!]

  ME: I got eyes on the ball gems!

  Count B yanked Jay to safety as I sprinted toward the wounded beast. The nipple-whips slashed towards me, but I was quicker, dodging in between.

  VRRRRSH!

  I jabbed both pizza cutters into the creature’s core, carving a gooey trench through its gloppy insides.

  The monster’s shrieks grew weaker as I tunneled through its innards, nearing the glowing targets.

  ME: … almost… there…

  My arms sank elbow-deep into the creature’s guts—fingers grasping at slippery sacs. They were covered in gooey tubing—each the size of a volleyball—pulsing with swirling energy.

  SQLORSH!

  ME: GOT ‘EM!

  With a final heave, I yanked them free. The NippleGorgon rasped a final wheeze as its remaining life force drained away.

  The nipple-whips fell limp, collapsing to the ground as dead, wet ropes. The central flesh mass deflated like a punctured balloon, folding in on itself. The entire heap bubbled down to a steaming puddle of liquefied tissue.

  Victory! NippleGorgon Defeated!

  Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!

  Reward: +100,000 Points!

  Savage Multiplier 10x Flashy Kill Bonus!

  Reward: +750,000 Points!

  New Trophy! Enemy Enema.

  Reward: +10,000 Points!

  Auto-Looted NippleGorgon.

  Items Acquired:

  Scrotalux Gems x2.

  Captain Quasar’s Cosmic Nipple Clamps.

  Buck Bovine’s Bag Balm For Sensitive Teats.

  Jay groaned, dumping a canteen of water over his head in a futile attempt to wash away the monster slime. The thick fluid clung stubbornly to his armor, refusing to yield to mere water. A foul odor hung around him like an invisible cloud.

  JAY: Bro. I can still smell it.

  ME: Everyone can.

  I cradled the glowing Scrotalux Gems beneath my perfectly sculpted biceps. The stones were a vibrant pink, swirling with internal cosmic energy.

  “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

  Jay shook his head, approaching. “You really weren’t bullshitting… Monster ball gems.”

  “Yup.”

  “When you are ready for analysis, please enter the gems into your inventory.” ERNI prompted.

  I extended the gems. Jay touched them hesitantly. Pink energy flowed in through his arms, bulking his frame and erasing his fatigue.

  JAY: Oh shit…

  ME: Right?!

  The Scrotalux Gems pulsed, energy flowing in and through us like a circuit. Our muscles swelled, veins bulging. Count B’s vines thickened into powerful clusters.

  COUNT BASIL: Leaf!

  Jay marveled at the gems, then grinned at his hardened physique.

  JAY: Yo… I’m Arnold Schwarzeneggrah up in this bitch!

  He flexed gratuitously oiled, perfectly-tanned muscles, staring at their striations.

  JAY: WHOOO! I got to pull up on them east side girls. They ain’t ready for Jay 2.0!

  I stowed the gems in my inventory and extracted the orbs from the quest sack. The three of us stood there, swelling with newfound power, as I raised the orbs into the air.

  They disappeared as the digital fireworks popped above us.

  Orbdown! x2

  Reward: +250,000 Points!

  I unmuted the ISSN feed.

  Blink and Gill were recounting our victory, specifically the moment when Jay got swallowed by the monster’s ass.

  “—and well, as you can see here,” Blink pointed at the monitor, “he kind of just goes right on up in there. Almost like a hole in one.”

  “Get a room!” Gill chortled.

  Blink smirked, “That’s one way to get intimate with the enemy.”

  The Wormhole flooded with new star-tags:

  ? ButtDivinJay

  ? Nippleoscopy

  ? HoleOfHorror

  ? UKnowHeStink

  I muted the feed and tossed Jay and B T-shirts to wipe up with. Jay scowled in the uneasy silence, finally erupting.

  “ButtDivinJay? Really Bro?!”

  “I mean… on the positive side…” I offered, “your move did help us get the W.”

  “My move?! Bro, everyone saw me go up a monster’s crack!” He muttered. “My reputation is done from here to Rigel Seven.”

  “Not necessarily. Monster ass isn’t the kiss of death it once was. Besides, we’ll uh… we’ll rebrand it. We’ll call it a ‘tactical insertion.’”

  Jay punched me in the arm as I couldn’t hold back the laughter.

  “Real funny, asshole.”

  The teleportation shell began to crystallize around us.

  “Real talk. If you’re trying to freshen up, you should hit Count B up. He’s been stashing colognes like you wouldn’t believe.”

  “For what? He on the prowl for a foxy ficus?”

  “Cactus, actually.”

  Teleportation Initiated.

  As the world blurred away, the three of us stood silently inside the chamber. Jay cleared his throat.

  “Yo, for real though… we never need to speak of what happened here today.”

  The silence hung there for a moment.

  “You mean when you cosplayed as a monster suppository?”

  “Bro!”

  “And, that is how you milk a victory!”