“J-Dawg8?”
“The one. The only.”
He saluted as his mask dissolved, revealing a tatted, orange orc who I immediately recognized. A moment later, the digital orc skin flickered off.
He was black. Mid twenties. Dreads. Goatee. Shorter and pudgier than I imagined. Nerdy glasses. We had never actually met in person, so all I had to go on were his gamer profile pics.
“Yo, it’s good to see you, bro.” He clapped me into a hug.
“Yeah. Same here.”
He stepped back, sizing me up.
“Damn, son,” he laughed pointing at my muscles. “You swole as hell. I thought you was skinny.”
I flexed my pecs.
“Oh. I’ve been taking vitamins.”
“Vitamins my ass!” He punched me in the arm. “You doping?”
“No. But I am using a new supplement. Scrotalux. Comes from monster balls.”
“Bro, you crazy…“
He backed up, cocked his fists with a stern face—then busted out laughing.
“Yoooo, you wild. You almost had me.”
I put an arm around his shoulder. “We have some catching up to do.”
“No shit,” he pointed at Count B. “Who’s the salad sidekick?”
Count B crossed his arms.
I clicked my teeth. “Ooh, he didn’t like that.”
“Which one? Salad or sidekick?”
“Both.”
----
“Now Playing Reunited by Peaches and Herb.”
ERNI played the track softly over my helmet speakers as we wove through the forest.
J-Dawg8 laughed, shaking his head. “Yo, your AI is crazy.”
“A little bit, yeah. He likes to DJ. So, tell me what happened.”
His face turned serious. “Shit, man. It was… bad times.”
I nodded, somber. “Yeah.”
He squinted towards the horizon as he narrated his planet purge experience.
“When the shockwaves first hit, my grandma said something wasn’t right. Felt it in her bones. She called one of the church deacons and he came right over. Personally, I think he’s been trying to hit it. But, that’s just me. Anyway, he came through and they rolled out to some prayer meeting.”
“So what did you do?”
“Man… did what I always do when I get the crib to myself. Cracked a beer, turned on porn, strapped in for a chill time.”
“You weren’t watching your six.”
“Naw… I was watching this Brazilian chick do this thing with a butternut squash—“
“Stay on target.”
“Right. Right. I had it all set up… my snack tray… my… other essentials. And then—
WHAM!
Computer was gone.
Just like that.
Erased by a big fucking metal trunk.”
“Yep.” I nodded. “Been there. Done that.”
“There was this hologram thingy. Some type of upgrade… like from a video game. It said—
‘One Minute God.’
I touched it and ended up diving inside the trunk once the shit hit the fan. I could hear it all happen, you know…?
The screams. The car crashes. The explosions. I didn’t come out until there was nothing but ash, sirens, and smoke.”
“What about your grandmom? Heard anything?”
He shook his head. “Nah.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“So, how the hell did you find me?”
“Hacked a gauntlet. Did some backchannel digging. Peeked into the dark matter and found a bounty with your last known coordinates.”
“You always were a clever bastard.”
He shrugged with a smile. “What can I say?”
I extended a hand.
“Sam Wynbrook. Nice to finally meet you.”
“Jason Harris. Call me, Jay.”
----
We hacked our way through the brush, heading towards the scoring zone. I could see why they called the rainforest ‘nature’s pressure cooker.’ The humidity was brutal. I felt like a basted ham inside my helmet.
Count B wielded 4 plasma swords we’d picked up in a new equipment trunk. He walked ahead of us, hacking all 4 blades at once, clearing the path.
Jay guzzled from a canteen. He looked at me with a grin. “So, you really out here going buck wild with pizza cutters? Last I checked, you were shooting ogres, barking in my headset. Now you’re trending across the multiverse as ’The Sacker.’”
“Yeah.” I smiled, marveling at the absurdity of my new fame. “Guess I found my lane.”
“Okay.” He gestured, expectantly. “I gotta see the drip. Where’s the ice at? Ante up.”
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
I pulled out the Scrotalux gems.
Jay whistled as the stones danced with a sparkling aura. He reached towards them. I pulled them back, wagging a finger.
“Never touch another man’s ball gems.”
“You right. You right. Damn. You out here pulling carats. And here I’ve been… just trying not to die. You’re telling me… those things came out of monster nuts?”
“100.”
“We’ve come a long way from Ogre-Splat.”
“Who you telling? What’s your loadout?” I asked, pointing at his rifle.
Jay patted his weapon affectionately. “Keepin’ it simple. This here’s ‘Lucille.’ Short stock, modified plasma pulse with tri-beam config. Kinetic dampening armor. Laser knuckles.”
“Nice. What level you at?”
“4. Nowhere near your high-flying status.”
Count B pointed ahead.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
A green scoring zone arrow pulsed through the trees.
Mission Complete: Reach Scoring Zone.
ME: Jay… stay sharp.
He nodded, raising the rifle as his mask rematerialized.
JAY: Always, bro.
We approached, slow, cautious—B in the center, me on the right, Jay on the left.
SHIIING!
I drew my pizza cutters. Jay watched them grow and spin.
JAY: I see you, dog.
He shouldered his rifle.
JAY: But, don’t be mad when I’m owning you out there.
ME: This ain’t Ogre-Splat.
JAY: Ok, show me what’s up, then!
We stepped into the scoring zone—a damp, circular clearing, swirling with heavy fog. The ground was wet and marshy.
Mission: Kill Boss Monster.
The mist swirled as a huge shadow lumbered within.
ME: You see it?
JAY: Roger. What the hell is that?
I knew what I was looking at but I couldn’t believe it.
It was a giant—
nipple
—poking through the fog.
I mean it was the full presentation. The nip, the areola, that surrounding bumpy rim and then pale flesh drawing back into the cloud. Like a monster had gotten tipsy and didn’t realize her titty had slipped out.
ME: Confirm nipple sighting?
JAY: NipSlip confirmed at 03:00.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
ME: ERNI… analysis?
ERNI: Some sort of mammalian gland anomaly… I would need to see more.
ME: I’ll bet you would, you freak!
The nipple thrust forward, joined by hundreds more as a curved fleshy ball of nipples emerged from the cloud. The creature was the size of a hot air balloon, made up of one unbroken plane of pallid skin. It was covered in pinkish, pus-leaking nipples.
They functioned as eyes, noses, mouths, ears, even appendages.
Think of a fleshy golf ball where all the divots are nipples.
Yep.
Just gonna leave that there for a minute…
NippleGorgon. Level 16.
ME: Wow. We really need to nip this in the bud.
JAY: This should be our breast battle so far.
ME: I’m gonna rack up so many points.
JAY: I’m gonna milk this opportunity.
ME: Is it me… or is it getting nippy out here?!
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
B shut down our banter as the nipple monster rolled sideways, sizing us up.
I unmuted the ISSN feed.
Blink and Gill were giving their bleach-toothed intro to our turmoil.
“…Sam has been reunited with a long lost friend. They’re calling it the feel-good story of this Slayer Bowl.”
They cut in an “awwwww” sound effect as my black-eyed, toothless mug shot and Jay’s gamer profile pic flashed on screen.
“Now, the question is, can this new ‘Deadly Duo’ conquer the lethal lactations of The NippleGorgon?!”
Gill rolled red eyes, fresh off a bender. He replied, deadpan, “Let us watch and find out.”
Mute.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
ME: Yeah. They should’ve said trio.
The nipple-blob rolled forward.
JAY: That’s a giant titty monster.
ME: Yep.
JAY: It’s not as hot as I thought a giant titty monster would be.
ME: Yep.
I tried to not get freaked out by the giant nipple that was in my face. I mean it was a good caterer silver platter sized nipple.
It pulsed rhythmically right in front of me, leaking a thick, yellow goo that—
PSSSSSSS!
—sizzled when it hit the ground.
“Acid Milk Pus.” ERNI warned. “Molecular structure and pH levels indicate extreme toxicity and corrosiveness.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
Count B yanked me back as a geyser of boiling milk erupted from a nearby nipple.
It shot pressurized steam that devoured a tree trunk behind us.
PSHHHH!!!!
JAY: Now, that’s some milk for yo ass!
The NippleGorgon sloshed forward, its fleshy mass jiggling like spandex filled with jelly.
PSSSHHHH!
A jet of steamy nipple juice sprayed in our direction. It hit a nearby tree trunk, which melted like a candle.
ME: Whooo… that’s a hot titty!
JAY: Steamin’!
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
Jay sprinted left, his mask’s blue visor glowing as he took aim. Count B scuttled right, vines stretching out like muscular tentacles. I charged straight ahead, Slice and Dice humming with bad intentions.
VRRRR!
ME: Time to clip the nip!
JAY: Time to frag the sag!
ME: You did always have to one-up me.
JAY: Don’t hate the player… hate the game.
The nipple-blob tracked my movement, dozens of nipple cannons swiveling towards me like fleshy turrets. Time slowed as I watched them swell and pulse, preparing to fire.
GLOOP! GLOOP! GLOOP!
I zigzagged through the barrage—acid milk splattering behind me.
A tiny drop landed on my shoulder pad. The forcefield held, but the heat transfer was intense. My skin blistered beneath the armor.
JAY: Got you, bro!
Jay fired the pulse rifle—
PZZYUUU! PZZYUUU!
—three beams converged into a single point that blasted a smoking crater into the creature’s side.
The monster roared—a wet, gurgling sound like a choir drowning in phlegm.
Count B lashed vines around two of its protruding nipples. He yanked hard, stretching the wrinkled flesh to grotesque lengths.
SKREEE!
The NippleGorgon screeched, spasming. It pitched forward, rolling violently towards Count B.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
ME: Hang on, B!
I leapt onto the monster’s back—
SKOICH!
—boot spikes digging into its pallid flesh.
The surface was wet and leathery, like sweaty silicone. I gagged at the stench of spoiled milk and puss-filled wounds.
VRRCKSHH!
I stabbed my cutters into the monster’s flesh.
The blades spun up, clawing through the rubbery hide. Yellow-white pus spurted from the wounds. It showered my visor with a chunky discharge that reminded me why I always hated cottaged cheese.
“BLAAAGH!”
I retched. Sight and smell combining into a perfect storm of disgust.
The monster bucked, flinging me airborne. I tumbled through the air, smacking down into a puddle of yellow ooze.
ME: …owww.
JAY: Oh shit. Those nipples are recharging!
ME: …what?
He was right.
The wounded nipples were swelling, flesh cocking back like a shotgun cycling rounds. Even the ones Count B stretched had snapped back into shape.
PSSHHHWOOOSH!
The beast fired another volley of acid milk.
ERNI: Analysis: Move!
I scrambled beneath a tree trunk as the gloppy, white rain sizzled against my armor.
A direct blast caught Jay on the arm, knocking him into a tangle of vines.
“AAAGGGH!”
He collapsed to the ground, armor smoking, as the corrosive fluid ate through the metal.
JAY: …it burns!!!
Jay yanked the melting plates off his arm, tossing them aside.
ME: B, you stay with him! I’ll draw its fire!
I used the Veil-Rift Visor’s—
Targeting Mode
—to scan the creature.
The NippleGorgon rolled across the clearing, setting up another volley. The visor penetrated its fleshy exterior, scanning for vulnerabilities.
[SEARCHING FOR PRIME TARGET…]
But there was no red targeting indicators. No crosshairs. Nothing.
ME: ERNI, what gives? I can’t find its balls!
ERNI: Perhaps it doesn’t have them or they are more cleverly concealed.
ME: So what? I’m supposed to go spelunking inside that thing? Nah I’m good.
JAY: Quit being a pussy and slide in there. You know you want to.
I glanced at the ISSN feed. Blink and Gill were providing play-by-play as the star-tags were flying in the ticker below:
? Nippageddon!
?YaaaaasssTittyFight
? IThinkISeeANipple
? HeNeedSomeMilk
The NippleGorgon charged toward me, teats cocked and ready to fire.
SHLORP!
I slashed several off with my cutters, but there were too many.
SHPAP!
I got rocked by a nipple punch. Yep. That’s right. A nipple cracked my jaw, sending me sideways.
The world was a blur.
My vision flashed red and my heartbeat pounded as pain seared through my system.
Warning: You Are Hurt. Seek Cover Immediately!
The NippleGorgon loomed over me, its fleshy mass blocking out the sky. Its nipples cocked and pulsed in unison, preparing for a concentrated assault.
I mean… don’t get me wrong… normally, if someone had told me I would die beneath a mountain of tits, I’d had been good with it.
These nipples changed my mind.
