The 4th quarter started with a bang.
Literally.
Our teleportation shell spiraled out of a wormhole and smashed into a black sea.
Teleportation Complete.
Location: Mariana Trench, Pacific Ocean.
We twisted in the frigid darkness, our bodies sluggish and disoriented in the zero-gravity of liquid space. I blinked several times, eyes adjusting to the darkness.
Oh shit!
I panicked.
Was this it?! Was this how I went out?! Was I about to catch that final ‘L’ in Davey Jones’ Locker?!
Fortunately… we were all good.
Dive Suit Activated.
Oxygen Supply: 8 Hours.
The Veil-Rift Visor sealed shut and a breathing regulator fed a crisp oxygen-mix into my lungs. My armor forcefield rippled, serving as a pressurized diving skin. Count B’s bubble tethered to mine by way of extension. Jay’s armor also created a protective air pocket.
Our headlamps flickered on.
And let me say this…
The Little Mermaid lied.
There were no cheery fish chorales.
No calypso-singing crabs.
No fairy dust or sparkly tridents.
The sea was a miserable, blue-lipped fuck whose partner had taken the kids and left.
The void was suffocating—inhabited by shadows of ill intent. The darkness was not so much empty as it was thick with nothing and cold as fuck.
I shuddered, cupping my elbows as my armor’s climate control system kicked into high gear.
ME: Damn, it’s cold!
Caution - Extreme Conditions!
Depth: 10,000 meters.
Water Temperature: 1°C.
Pressure: 1,000 atmospheres.
Mission: Retrieve Orb.
I peeked at the water pressure. Ordinarily, we would have been crushed like grapes. Fortunately, our armor forcefield integrity held.
4th Quarter: 35:41:57
Warriors: 32,855
The map flashed an “↑” up arrow indicating the surface direction—an irrelevant gesture considering we were leagues below air and daylight. I glanced over at Jay, who was flailing like a turtle going through an existential crisis.
ME: ‘Here, we find the sea brother, flapping his flippers in a desperate attempt to attract the female. He shall not succeed.’
JAY: Ha-ha! Quit playin’. I can’t swim!
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
ME: B makes a valid point. Now’s a good time to learn.
Count B demonstrated a doggie paddle stroke. It was surreal, watching him detached from my back, his plant body sealed in a transparent bubble tethered to my armor.
He plucked at the air barrier, testing its strength.
ME: Seems airtight, B. You’ll be fine.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
JAY: AAAAAGH!
Jay wriggled and flailed in the water, his movement awkward and stilted.
JAY: Yo, for real. This ain’t my skill set. Where the hell are we, anyway?
ERNI: The Mariana Trench is one of the deepest known points on Earth. Very few humans have ever ventured to these depths.
JAY: Yeah. For good goddamn reasons. Don’t get me started. My people and the ocean? We got history.
ME: Maybe, just focus on the present and how to stay upright. This whole disco worm thing you got going on… not your best look.
Our headlamps punched weak cones through the murk—illuminating a desolate seascape of volcanic rock and silt.
There were flickers in the dark—tiny pinpricks of light—bioluminescent creatures forming constellations in the oceanic night.
I was struck by the irony of the quiet and beautiful moments Slayer Bowl had allowed me to appreciate.
*What else had I missed while sleepwalking through life?
The orb indicator flashed on my map—7 kilometers away.
“Alright,” I said, testing my armor’s underwater propulsion system. “This is not so bad, right? Just a little deep-sea dive.”
Jay tried to mimic my movements, clumsily tumbling into a barrel roll.
JAY: Uh-uh. See? Bro, this ain’t natural.
ME: Well, Mr. Smooth. Use some finesse… a light touch.
Eventually, we established a rhythm—a slow, deliberate glide through the alien landscape. Strange creatures of the deep darted through our light beams.
We passed through a field of hydrothermal vents. Blasts of superheated water spiraled upward in columns. Fish bones churned near the geysers—a helpful reminder of those who got a little too close.
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We approached a narrow canyon when Jay suddenly stopped.
JAY: Shhh. What’s that?
ME: What?
JAY: Yo, you don’t you hear her? She sounds amazing.
ME: Who?
JAY: Goddamn! And that body?! Ariel done got thick as hell!
I scanned the dark, clueless. There was no one there. It was almost as if Jay had fallen under a magic sp—
ME: Jay! Hold up! Do you hear singing?!
JAY: Yeah… and she’s a baddie, bro.
ME: No! No, Jay!! She’s a Bowl Babe!!! Remember, what I told you?!!!
It was too late. He was already caught in her spell—drifting towards her, transfixed.
A buxom silhouette glimmered in the darkness—a mermaid. Her body bobbed with liquid grace.
“Bowl babe… beautiful babe…” Jay murmured.
I kicked my propulsion into high gear, Count B streaking alongside me, as we pursued Jay through the canyon. The Bowl Babe led Jay deeper, her body trailing flecks of glowing particles like stardust.
Jay thrashed through the black water, his movements fast and erratic. For an untrained swimmer, he clawed around rock formations and slipped through narrow crevices with a determined efficiency.
ME: Jay! Snap out of it!
JAY: Braaah, chill… why you hatin’ on our love?
Even through mental chat, I could tell his voice was slurred, drunk on whatever enchantment she had ensnared him with.
The siren swam ahead, leading us through a twisted underwater forest ruled by giant tubeworms and strange, eyeless fish.
ME: I know you want a date, but there are other options.
Count B gestured frantically through his air bubble. The Bowl Babe was just ahead, slipping between a narrow entrance in the rock face. Jay followed, mesmerized, disappearing into an underwater cave.
I clawed through the tube worm forest.
As I approached the cave, I paused, catching the first bars of a haunting melody—sweet, seductive notes that bypassed my ears and resonated directly in my brain.
The melody invaded my thoughts, squishing into the primal places of my mind. Logic warned me to turn back, but her song promised to grant me everything I ever wanted.
ERNI: Sam, I’m noticing a concerning shift in your vitals…
ME: Yeah, but she sounds so… perfect.
COUNT BASIL: LEAF! LEAF!
I felt Count B slapping against my bubble, but his protests grew faint as the bowl babe’s melody intensified. The propulsion system carried me mindlessly through the cave entrance.
The tunnel opened up into a massive underwater dome. Its center hosted a pocket of air—a perfect bubble—amid the crushing depths. The silvery membrane was surrounded by what looked like human women—gorgeous, nude sirens with flowing hair and gleaming skin.
Six of them.
JAY: Oh shit… okay… nobody ever told me it was on and poppin’ under the sea.
ME: Sebastian tried.
Jay bobbed near the bubble’s surface, slack-jawed and drooling. He worked the latch on his helmet.
ME: JAY! DO NOT TAKE YOUR HELMET OFF!
JAY: YO! I CAN’T SEE YO!! WHAT IS THIS?!
My vision blanked out as well.
ME: SHIT! ME TOO!
A bowl babe hissed in my ear, “Join usssss… take off your helmet. Breathe the sweet air we’ve prepared for you.”
My fingers instinctively moved to my helmet release.
ERNI: Sam, this air bubble is comprised of 78% chlorine gas. If you remove your helmet, you will experience immediate respiratory failure.
ME: I know, right?!
COUNT BASIL: LEAF! LEAF! LEAF!
ME: I know… she’s amazing…
I unlatched the first safety lock.
ERNI: Engaging Emergency Measures!
My armor speakers suddenly filled with a brain-rattling blast of death metal—the most aurally offensive, speaker-shredding drivel I’d ever heard. It hacked through the entrancement like a chainsaw.
“GAAAAH!”
I clutched my helmet, fully alert now, my blurry vision returning.
ME: WHAT THE HELL, ERNI?!
ERNI: Oh, good. You’re awake. Welcome back.
“Thanks!” I growled, drawing Dice to join Slice.
I rocketed towards Jay, who was surrounded by the Bowl Babes. Their oily curves were pressed against him, grinding against his face and chest.
“Ladies… ladies… who ordered the cocktail sauce?”
The bowl babes hissed in unison—expressions morphing from seduction to predatory rage.
Their faces stretched, skin splitting open to reveal hideous crustaceous gills. Their hands tore away, revealing claw-like pincers.
“SKREEEE!”
Mission: Kill Monster Mob.
Bowl Babes. Level 9.
The first bowl babe lunged at me as I popped through the bubble membrane. Her face peeled backward, revealing spiky mandibles clicking where lips had been, compound eyes in the place of human ones. Her lower body cracked and contorted, gathering into segmented appendages.
VRRRRRSHKK!
I jabbed Slice forward, chewing through the bowl babe’s arm, black goo leaking. The monster shrieked—a sound that oscillated between a woman’s screams and insect chitters.
ME: JAY! WAKE UP!
Jay rubbed his eyes, the spell waning, as the babes shed their disguises.
ME: WATCH OUT!
A bowl babe snatched Jay by the throat, razor mandibles snapping inches from his face. Still half blind, Jay fumbled for his pistols, blasting wildly.
PZYOOM! PZYOOM!
The shots sizzled wide.
Count B lashed out, grappling with the creature as its pincers clipped through one of his vines.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
I fumbled in my quest sack—
ME: B! Catch!
—and tossed over the goggles I’d made for B. He slipped them onto his leafy head.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf?
EchoShades Activated.
The goggles hummed to life. Now Count B could “see” using echolocation.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
His movements immediately improved. He was precise, lethal. He dodged a claw strike and counter-punched a bowl babe in the face, crunching through her exoskeleton.
Jay shook his head, snapping out of his trance. He scowled at the sexy nude bodies with shrimp heads.
JAY: The fuck? Who ordered the shrimp cocktail orgy?
ME: And this is why we don’t follow strange glowing women into caves.
I wrestled with a bowl babe who’d locked her pincers around my waist.
SHRRRIP!
I slashed her thorax—tearing upper from lower body. She shrieked, thrashing helplessly in two parts as I kicked her away.
ME: I hope she finds her better half.
The largest bowl babe lunged at me, her claws snapping. She still maintained hints of her human disguise—patches of beautiful skin stretched around her hideous sea-form.
“Oooh… you’re probably gonna need to try blind dating.”
SKLOICH!
I plunged both cutters into her chest. Her segmented body twitched, legs convulsing violently. Black blood bubbled from her mouth.
ERNI: Sam, I need to discuss something.
ME: Little busy, ERNI!
I grunted, spinning away from a poison tail-strike.
ERNI: It’s about investment opportunities. I’ve been analyzing the market—
ME: WHAT? We’re doing this RIGHT NOW?!
ERNI must’ve been glitching again.
I ducked under a swinging claw.
ERNI: Timing is everything… and I’ve identified several promising financial vehicles that align with your risk profile. Do I have permission to allocate credits?
ME: You have terrible timing dude.
KOICH!
I jammed Slice into a bowl babe’s eye. She shrieked.
ME: Yeah, fine. Whatever!
ERNI: Excellent.
Jay was pinned against the cave wall, fending off two bowl babes. His pulse blaster overheated, venting steam.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
Count B leaped onto one of the babes, his vines whipping around her neck.
KRACK!
With a savage twist, he snapped her spinal column.
Count B’s head swiveled, EchoShades targeting the final bowl babe. He executed a perfect combat roll, coming up beneath her guard and driving a plasma blade right through her throat.
SHOONK!
JAY: Thanks, Count B!
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
Victory! Bowl Babes Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Monster Mob.
Reward: +60,000 Points!
Auto-Looted Bowl Babes.
Items Acquired:
Pirate Pete’s Pitch Pipe for Perfect Tone Every time.
Baddie Bikini Bronzer.
“Every Fin Matters.” A Motivational Book.
The cave around us began to destabilize, air membrane trembling as the pressure of the deep ocean pressed inward.
ME: THIS PLACE IS ABOUT TO BLOW!
We swam out as water crashed in, billions of tons of pressure instantly replacing the air pocket.
THOOM!
My armor creaked as we were ejected from the collapsing dome.
Three glowing orbs floated amid the wreckage of the underwater lair, pulsing with gentle light. I snatched them up, handing one to Jay.
Mission Complete: Retrieve Orb x3.
Reward: +90,000 Points.
Mission: Reach Scoring Zone.
We regrouped outside the cave entrance.
JAY: This is why I stopped running them streets.
ME: But, did you though?
JAY: Hey, man. What can I say? Shorty was caked up. I’m only human.
Count B adjusted his Echo Shades, quite pleased with his new accessory.
We checked the map. The scoring zone was 15 kilometers away. The abyss, and whatever was inside of it, was waiting.
