Sometimes, an athlete just has a moment.
A hot streak. A star turn.
A breakout performance where they simply can’t be stopped.
In sports video games, these moments were often celebrated with the ball catching on fire.
And that’s exactly what happened in the 4th quarter of Slayer Bowl. It was a gruesome grind—a bloody blur.
I locked in and went off on a savage, over-the-top monster castration spree. And I didn’t just take balls. I grabbed momentum, ranking, and the spotlight.
Now playing “Hot in Herre!” By Nelly.
Shrimp monster with balls?
Sacked.
Wooly mammoth with a huge scrote?
Sacked.
Acid blob with glowing nads?
Sacked.
I became a maestro of melee… a curator of cutting… a slashing savant.
The ISSN covered the action, but they could barely keep up. With our “going full sack” strategy, we were lopping off monster balls at a furious pace. Jay, B, and I all grew increasingly stronger thanks to the Scrotalux gems.
We hacked and slashed our way towards the top of the field. With the savage multiplier exploit, the points accumulated, fast and furious. Blink and a sour-faced Gill scrambled to keep up with our highlights.
4th Quarter: 34:47:03
Rank: 22,514
“—where SackUpSam and his crew just sacked a Megalodon Sharkwraith, on their way to scoring their first orbdowns of the quarter.” Blink announced. “You know, I didn’t even realize that Sharkwraiths had two penises.”
“You learn something new every day.” Gill deadpanned. “I’m learning we’re more than a sport. We’re educational programming.”
You Have Reached Level 9!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Castrating Commando’ to ‘Gonad Gladiator.’
4th Quarter: 23:42:29
Rank: 15,342
“—now they simply go by their Wormhole nickname, “The Sack Squad.” Blink smiled. “This team just keeps defying the odds and climbing the scoreboard…”
“My gill pressure is certainly climbing.”
“Of course, we also have Dom Blady with his teammates Rod and Jess. The Slaytriots are also on pace for one of the top two slots—“
4th Quarter: 19:03:51
Rank: 9,987
“—SackUpSam has now breached the top 10,000 warrior mark. Of course some critics argue that ‘the sack’ poses an unfair advantage if other warriors can’t also score in that way. The commissioner’s office hasn’t commented.”
Gill clawed at his bloodshot eyes.
You Have Reached Level 10!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Gonad Gladiator’ to ‘Vicious Vasectomizer.’
4th Quarter: 08:38:14
Rank: 4,733
“We are literally witnessing history as the ‘Sack Squad’ continues this extraordinary run.” Blink exclaimed. “Speaking of running, we caught this funny exchange between Sam and his AI. Let’s listen in.”
They showed a clip of Jay, B, and I pinned down by a wave of pissed off frog-skunks that kept exploding into plumes of noxious gas.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
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“There’s too many of them! ERNI, what’s our best play?”
“But, that would require telling you the odds.”
“RUN THE NUMBERS!”
Blink gestured to reaction shots of aliens going wild across the multiverse. “That moment has gone big and the fans are loving it! ?RunTheNumbers is the top trending star tag!”
4th Quarter: 04:42:18
Rank: 994
“—the Sack Squad have now broken into the top 1,000! They are on a direct collision course with Blady and the Slaytriots. Pizza and plant fever has broken out all over the Wormhole. Most merchandise and replica pizza cutters have sold out everywhere. And don’t even try to look for a Count B plushie!”
You Have Reached Level 11!
New Class! You have leveled up from ‘Vicious Vasectomizer’ to ‘Ballstrodamus.’
----
The minutes blurred together like a fever dream. I was a soldier on a mission. Nothing else mattered. I had to finish what I started, no matter how much blood needed to be spilled.
Mom, G, and Sola deserved it.
VRRRSHK!
With Slice and Dice in hand, I tore through the 4th quarter like a dagger through flames and before I knew it, I was standing on the doorstep of my goal. There were only a few minutes left and I was deathly tired, but I was also within reach of Blady and the final.
4th Quarter: 00:05:42
Rank: 3
SKORSH!
Victory! Kraken Defeated!
Mission Complete: Kill Boss Monster!
The ISSN feed went nuts. Reaction shots showed fans all across the multiverse cheering our win.
The final minutes ticked off and that sonic whistle blew across the horizon, ending regulation.
“—ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE! With that final whistle, SackUpSam is all set to face Dom Blady in the Slayer Bowl Sudden Death Final!”
Blink turned somber. “Of course, we must take this moment to remember Blady’s teammates, Rod and Jess, who unfortunately didn’t survive their last battle. We honor their memory.”
I stared at the images of Rod and Jess on the feed. The studio photographs almost humanized them. But, I knew better.
I dragged the Kraken’s sack out of the water and across a sand dune via fleshy ropes.
I chopped the Scrotalux gems free from the goo and held them for a moment, absorbing their energy. I flexed as my muscles expanded, stressing the shoulder seams of my armor.
“Welcome to Swoleville… Population: 1.”
“Nuh-uh… Make that 2. Pass that shit!” Jay rubbed his hands together, excited. He patted his belly and cleared his throat. “Always was cut up underneath. There’s a six pack in there somewhere…”
“Yeah. Beneath the memory foam.”
Count B rubbed one of the gems, his vines swelling with girth. Yep. Girth.
He curled his vines, joining in on our flexing action.
ME: Okay. I see you, big broccoli!
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
The three of us plopped down on the sand.
“Congratulations on a hard fought victory and your new ranking,” ERNI chirped.
I stared at the top of the scoreboard in disbelief. I was ranked number 1.
“Yo, can you believe it? Top Dog!” Jay smiled, slapping me on the back. “You did it!”
Dom Blady was ranked second.
That meant all other warriors, including Jay and Count B, were automatically eliminated from the final.
The ISSN feed flashed with Blink and Gill’s stunned faces.
“This is astonishing!” Blink exclaimed. “For the first time in fifteen Slayer Bowls, Dom Blady has been knocked off the top spot on the scoreboard!”
Gill slumped in his chair. “And I watched Rome burn…”
“Uh, Gill… heh… we’re still live buddy.”
I couldn’t help but grin as Blady’s scowling face appeared on the feed. When pressed for comment, he simply waved a hand, blurring past camera with a snarl.
“I’ll do my talking in the final!”
----
Teleportation initiated.
As the transport chamber solidified around us, Jay’s expression darkened.
“Hey… you good?” I asked.
“Yeah, you know… just thinking… it’s all over for me.”
I slapped an arm around him.
“Hey, I appreciate everything. I’d walk through fire with you. Brothers for life.”
“Brothers for life.”
We stood in the glow of the teleportation chamber—an ambient hum filling the silence.
“Remember when we first started gaming together?” Jay asked, his voice quiet.
“Oh man… way back in middle school… That MMO with the dragons and shit, right?” I laughed. “We were terrible. You kept getting your character killed because you’d flirt with those thorn fairies.”
“Fucking thorn fairies.” Jay chuckled. “Hey… their nectar was worth it though.”
“Damn, those were good times.” I smiled.
“Yeah,” Jay nodded. “Innocent.”
Something about the way he said it. I turned, but not fast enough to see or dodge the blade.
I felt it enter my midsection.
I tasted copper as bubbles frothed on my lips.
Did he just stab me?
“Jay?” I gurgled.
Count B’s vines shot out, trying to restrain him but Jay put B down with a taser shot. “I’m sorry, bro.”
“STOP!” I clutched my side, blood seeping through my fingers. “Why are you doing this?”
“They have my grandma!” Jay’s eyes were wild, desperate. “Krivlax and Blady… they promised they can restore my family.”
“They’re LYING to you!” I shouted, trying to keep pressure on my wound while reaching for a pizza cutter. My vision was already starting to blur. “Krivlax is using you! Your grandma is gone.”
“NO!” Jay shouted. “Don’t say that!”
I rolled against my side, feeling warm blood blossom across my shirt. Count B oozed green sap on the floor.
Jay yanked the Veil Rift Visor from my helmet.
“Gonna need this too. Insurance. I’m sorry, bro.”
Jay tapped something on his gauntlet and just like that… he was gone.
My legs gave way and I slid to the floor, blood pooling beneath me and Count B.
Teleportation Complete.
Location: The Colosseum, Rome, Italy.
The roar of the crowd hit me like a wave as I dropped into the center of the arena. I coughed out blood and squinted through dust and ash. A holographic crowd cheered from the stands, thirsty for blood. Blink and Gill crackled to life on the Skybotron over the arena.
“Welcome to the Slayer Bowl Sudden Death Final!” Blink announced. “After four grueling quarters, we’re down to our final two warriors!”
The screen split to show two portraits: mine and Blady’s.
“In an unparalleled turn of events, SackUpSam enters as our top-ranked warrior, with Dom Blady taking the second seed!”
I popped a Med-Kit as blood dripped from my gut. I staggered forward, blinking, catching glimpses of a massive form waiting across the sand.
Blady.
He blurred in and out of focus as he raised a Blady Bomb with a wolfish grin.
“Hey, kid. Welcome to my house.”
