I stared at the peasant in incomprehension. “I am sorry, repeat that?” I half asked.

  “Well, General Hero.. sir.. The Empress of Tardriss wishes to meet her new general.” He said as he cowered at me like I was going to kill him. He was right. I stabbed him in the head with my knife and he fell over dead.

  I watched as he despawned before turning to see Alissa rushing up to me carrying a whip and chain’s. Like, metal chains that looked like they would go on a ship. I paled and held up my hands. “Wait! What are those for?!”

  She paused, looked at me puzzled before responding. “The christening of course! This will be our first time!”

  “I mean, I am more uh.. Vanilla guy myself.” I said watching the chains clink together.

  “Like ice cream?” She asked even more puzzled. “Look, we can get dessert later.For now, All you need to do is undress me and tie me up with these chains. Then whip me until I beg for mercy!”

  I stared at the insane woman before turning and walking away. “Where are you going! Is it because I said you had to undress me?” She cried out in irritation. “Fine! I will undress myself! But you better tighten the chains right! I don’t want to accidentally escape!”

  I made it about ten more steps before a dragon landed in front of me. I sighed as I heard the chains getting closer. Turning, I put on a sad look. “I’m so sorry Alissa, as much as I would love your… um.. Christening? I simply can’t, we aren't officially married after all! I also have to go see the Empress, She needs to meet me about important stuff!”

  She instantly deflated before popping back up. “Oh! That's right, we're not official yet! She then rushed past me and hopped on the dragon, dropping the chains instantly. She kept the whip though.. She took off into the sky and I feared what horrid thing she had planned.

  I turned back to the peasant.. Only to remember I killed him. He would be back later. Instead, I walked towards the old General’s body. A loot window popped up and showed.. A rare weapon and a unique item.

  I smirked as I put the axe on my back next to the sword. Both weigh like nothing.

  I shook my head at the pure stupidity and put the ring in my pouch.

  Standing, I looked around at the destruction caused by the battle. Only to realize there was none. All the damage caused was reset the moment the battle ended. Probably why Alissa had come back after I killed him. She was like a party member downed during battle. “Party member from hell” I muttered as the went off.

  I turned and saw the peasant NPC had respawned, or maybe it was another one in case I killed the first. “Yes?” I asked with very little care.

  “Yes, commander Hero.. sire I..”

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  I held up a hand to cut him off. “Where is the Empress?”

  “Oh, I.. of course the Hero would already know!” He gushed at me and I rolled my eyes. He pointed towards a large castle that I swear to all that was holy was not there a minute ago.

  I sighed and began walking towards the large building.

  Reaching the gates, I walked up to the guard who had a Dradle military outfit on. I paused, Dradle what was.. The uniform shifted and now said Tardriss kingdom. I frowned at that and looked closer. That was.. Weird.

  I shrugged and pointed at the gate. “Can you let me in, the Empress wishes to see me.” The guard didn’t respond, or even move. But the gate made an unlocking sound. I walked over and tap on the gate. Appearing on the other side, I casually walked up to the castle door and tapped it. Popping on the other side, I walked through the hall to the big double doors.

  Which proceeded to actually swing open slowly as I walked up. I stopped moving and the doors stopped. I took a step back and the doors closed slightly.

  I stepped left and right, but nothing happened. Distance check most likely. I finished the walk, but jammed my fire sword into the ground propping the door now open. Then I stepped back quickly and I watched amused as the door snapped in half from trying to close on the sword.

  The other door glitched out and began making love with the floor at an angle before snapping off its hinges and cementing itself in the opposite wall. I casually walked up, pulled my sword back out of the ground and walked into the throne room. Putting my sword away, I walked up to the Empress.

  The Empress looked like someone took the word imperious and evil. Dropped them into a blender, then had a baby. She stared down at me with barely disguised contempt. I almost threw my dagger at her. But decided to let this play out.

  I heard the previously destroyed doors slam shut, fully intact of course, and sighed heavily. Another boss battle so soon? I looked up at the evil witch on the throne, for she was a witch. Not in an ugly crone way though. Her title was literally “Empress Hiss the Witch.” I had no words for the sheer stupidity of that naming scheme. I wondered idly if her class was actually witch.

  “So, you are the new general of my forces? My previous general lost to.. You.” She said it like a comment, rather than a question. “He always was a weak man, I hope you will not disappoint me as he has.” She said in probably the most evil tone I have ever heard.

  “I wonder if she is evil,” I said quietly to myself while rolling my eyes.

  She, of course, ignored my comment as the cutscene continued. “But just to be sure, I will be assigning you my daughter to keep an eye on you.”

  A girl just.. Spawned off screen and walked over to stand next to her mother. She looked far more innocent and scared of her mother. “Oh look, the Princess in trouble.” I snorted as I began twirling my dagger and making practice throwing motions.

  “She will make sure you don’t get into any trouble. You and that airheaded captain of yours!” She said with that same dark tone.

  Alissa, who spawned next to me, raised her fist into the air. “I am not airheaded!” and then she just.. Despawned again.

  I took a deep breath as I realized I had to respond. For a moment I really considered the dagger route. But after a moment I just looked at the Princess and thought.

  “Of course Empress Hiss! I shall not fail you!” I made sure my tone was full of snark. It didn’t matter. The crone snapped her fingers and the innocent Princess rushed over to me and grabbed my arm fearfully.

  The doors behind me creaked open and I turned, leaving with another issue. It wasn’t until we appeared outside the castle gates, that her name tag appeared and I snorted. Princess Bloom. Of course her name was Bloom, at least it wasn’t fully on the nose.. Just mostly.

  “So, where are we going?” She asked as she looked up at me.

  I smiled down at her. “To the kingdom of Emerald. I want you to meet Princess Ruby and Princess Sapphire.”

  Out of curiosity, I used the stupid friendship enforcer on her and got the expected notification. “You can’t use this on someone who is already in your harem.”

  What a worthless skill. I honestly can’t tell if the world hates me or adores me. One minute it throws girls who want me. The next it has me die in 100 different gruesome ways. One second it helps me, the next it kills me. Of course all the girls are crazy. They are basically 2D cardboard cutouts of archetypes. Except Alissa... She scared and turned me on at the same time.