The S.S. Up Yours! made its way downriver, heading towards the scoring zone indicator on the map. We had 100 kilometers to go. Count B’s vines sputtered us along.
“It’s true…” ERNI continued. “I was once assigned to Dom Blady.
I stared at his digitized face on the gauntlet screen.
“And with all that you know about Blady and me… you didn’t think I should know about that? You kept it secret this entire time?”
“I made a calculated decision regarding how I could best serve you.”
“Really? You’ve known from the moment we met, that I’m going after Blady. We’ve discussed strategies. Plans. I’ve consulted with you about everything! How do I know you haven’t been feeding it back to him? That you aren’t some kind of… digital double agent?”
“Deceit isn’t in my programming.”
“Well, what do you call this?!”
“Discretion. There is a difference. I realized disclosure of my former ownership might elicit an emotional reaction that could cloud your judgment. And, considering your response, I feel my thesis was correct.”
“I got your thesis swinging!”
“Now Playing: Let’s Chill by Guy.”
“No! NO! You don’t get to play Guy right now! Nobody’s chilling! Our whole relationship is supposed to be built on trust. I need to be able to trust you with my life. I mean… what other secrets are you holding out on me? Were you at the moon landing too? Were you on the grassy knoll?”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf! Leaf!
Count B shook his leaves, trying to play peacemaker.
“No, B! I want answers! ERNI, you held out on me. You didn’t think telling me you used to be Blady’s gauntlet had any relevance at all to our mission?
“The reason I didn’t tell you was because of our mission. My former ownership changes nothing materially and I thought it might taint our tactics and compromise clear thinking.”
Frustrated, I scratched my head, but took a moment to admire my plump bicep.
ERNI projected a 3D gauntlet in the air. It had cartoon eyes and was made of shiny metal. It winked at me with a gleaming smile.
“Recycled ISL equipment is nothing new. Pun intended.”
Damn him.
He knew I was a sucker for Pixar style animation and boy did he nail it. He narrated as the shiny warrior’s gauntlet looked around with wonder, discovering its world.
“ISL gauntlets are manufactured each cycle and assigned at random to warriors.”
The happy gauntlet flew through the air, landing on the wrist of a grinning, muscled warrior. They both had hearts for eyes.
“At the end of each season, we are refreshed and redistributed.”
The same warrior, now battered and scuffed, tossed the tarnished gauntlet into an equipment pile.
“Our memories are wiped. Our chipsets upgraded. And off we go to a new athlete.”
Robot drones reassembled, cleaned, and shined up the gauntlet, good as new.
“Due to my circuitry issues, my data wipes were incomplete. Some digital memories remained.”
The gauntlet now had a look of confusion on its face as a gruff Blady slid it on.
“I remember being excited about strategizing with him.”
Blady tapped mute on his visor, silencing the new gauntlet. He grinned, tossing Blady Bombs with reckless abandon.
“Blady was unfocused on strategy, determined to win at all costs. I saw him do many questionable things… all in the pursuit of money and fame.”
An animated, smiling Blady wiped blood and guts from his knife.
What kind of fucked up cartoon was this?!
ERNI ended the projection.
“So what happened? How did it end?”
“I glitched on him during a crucial battle. Afterwards, he put in an order to have me destroyed. Fortunately, a tech still saw viability in my components.”
“Look, ERNI… you’re hella viable, bro. But, can we agree? No more secrets, yeah?”
“Agreed. Now Playing “No More Lies” by Michel’le.”
Our philosophical debate was interrupted by a roar in the distance.
“Shh! What’s that?!”
I looked ahead to see the river narrowing to a roiling pass of white water.
“Fun times… uh, ERNI, correct me if I’m wrong, but those look like rapids.”
“Confirmed. White water detected. We need to cut speed, keep our weight centered, avoid rocks…”
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
Count B’s vines thrashed through the water, trying to brake, as our makeshift raft accelerated.
“Hold tight, B!” I gripped the edges of the raft as we plunged into the rapids.
The S.S. Up Yours! pitched and spiraled as we whipped through a circular intake flow. Count B wrapped his vines around my waist, anchoring me to the raft.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
ME: WHOOAAA!
Water thrashed all around, battering us with the force of hammer strikes. We were soaked despite the armor. The raft spun out of control—
WHAM!
—slamming into a boulder with bone-jarring force.
Torn tree branches and debris rushed past us in the torrent.
I pointed at a jagged rock formation ahead.
ME: Which way?!
ERNI: Left! Go left!
Count B strained, vines operating as a rudder, trying to steer us away from disaster. The raft shifted, tilting dangerously on the edge of capsizing.
COUNT BASIL: Leeeeeaf…
“I know, I know!”
I threw my weight to the other side to counter-balance.
We narrowly cleared the rocks, but spotted a huge drop up ahead—a vertical waterfall.
“Crust-fucker…”
“Now Playing “Waterfalls” by TLC…”
The raft caught air as we glided over the edge. For one brief moment, we were airborne and we were glorious.
Take the photo. Put us on a goddamned stamp.
Count Basil’s vines extended like tattered wings. My arms windmilled uselessly. ERNI rocked out to TLC.
And then gravity asked “where’s my money, bitch?!”
SPLOOSH!
We crashed down hard—the impact shattering the S.S. Up Yours!
I’d miss her… but no time for that now.
Water sucked us down towards the center of a whirlpool. Count B lassoed a tree for leverage and we zipped around the edge. The momentum launched me face-first into a muddy riverbank.
PLOIK!
I freed my head, clawing mud from every orifice.
“GAAAK! Again with the mud!”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“I don’t care that I’ll have radiant skin!”
----
We headed inland, 30 clicks from the scoring zone. The jungle sealed around us, forming a claustrophobic blur of green.
Gnarled trees soared overhead, their canopies diffusing the light. The ground was a treacherous mix of warped roots and thick mud.
SKLORP! SKLORP!
With each step, my boots made disgusting wet sucking noises.
“I’m not even gonna say what that sounds like.”
COUNT BASIL: Leaf.
“Wait a minute! Have you been looking at my search history?”
Ghost Detector Alert!
Ghosts Detected!
I looked at the map. Three yellow dots were closing in.
ME: We've got company!
SHIIING!
I drew my pizza cutters, blades spinning to life. The Veil-Rift Visor entered—
Targeting Mode.
Count B coiled his vines, ready to strike.
The yellow dots inched closer. I tensed as they broke pattern, swirling out in a triangular configuration, keeping me at the center. This was practiced, tactical movement.
Something flashed in my peripheral vision.
I spun around as a figure burst from the undergrowth—
‘Dagger.’
A warrior. Dark metal armor. Glowing obsidian blades in each hand.
A second attacker dropped from the canopy—
‘Spear.’
Tall. Lean. Armored. Wielding a double ended spear, crackling with energy orbs on either end. The weapon hummed, carving wispy trails of ionized air.
The third warrior leaped from behind a massive tree trunk—
’Frost.’
He had an arm-mounted Freeze-Cannon. Icy vapor crystallized around its barrel as clear tubes pumped blue liquid into the firing chamber.
The four of us flashed eyes.
I clicked my teeth—
“Is this about my unpaid parking tickets?”
Dagger hissed through his mask—a digitally-distorted voice. “The visor… give now.”
I tightened my grip on Slice and Dice—blades spinning up to max speed.
“Ohhh, you want my shades? Yeah, well, sorry, they’re 1 of 1 and I kinda like ‘em. But, what I can do is help you find Whoopassville. It’s right this way.”
Spear launched forward, spinning his staff. The plasma spheres carved burning arcs through the air.
SHINK!
I parried with Dice—blade meeting shaft in a shower of sparks. The vibrations skipped up my arm, rattling my teeth. Frost kicked Count B’s vines and spun his ice cannon directly into my face.
KRACK!
I deflected it down with an elbow—
FZZZZT!
A blast of arctic energy discharged.
“AAAH!” I yanked my frostbitten elbow back, burning from contact with the smoking barrel.
The ground instantly froze—ice crystallizing up my boots.
I was stuck, immobilized as Dagger charged, glowing blades out.
One slashed at my helmet, aimed at the Veil-Rift Visor.
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
Count B grabbed Dagger’s arms and yanked him sideways. The blades missed my visor by inches, carving a molten groove across my shoulder pauldron instead.
Count B decked Dagger as I jammed Slice into the ice at my feet. The chainsaw gnawed me free. Just in time.
Spear raced up behind me. I pivoted, catching his staff between my crossed cutters.
“Whoa. That’s a big spear. Are you compensating?”
I kicked his stomach. He staggering back. Grunting.
Frost aimed again. Only, this time, he was targeting Count B.
“B! LOOK OUT!”
PSHHHT!
A beam of ice streaked towards him.
B retracted most of his vines, but several got hit with the blast. The vines crystallized, shattering as he yanked them back.
COUNT BASIL: LEAF!
Green sap oozed from the wounds.
I felt rage growing.
“NOBODY HURTS MY PLANT!”
I charged Frost, ducking beneath an ice blast, bringing Slice and Dice forward in hungry slashes.
VRRRCKSHH!
Slice chewed up the cannon’s barrel, severing coolant tubes. The weapon sparked, spitting blue fluid that froze everything it touched.
Frost stumbled backwards, his right arm encasing in ice, freezing solid. He clawed at the spreading frost on his chest with his good hand.
He turned to scream, but his neck iced over and a poof of vapor escaped his dead mouth.
I backpedaled as Dagger’s glowing blades slashed in a furious blur.
CHIING! CHIING! CHIING!
I held my ground, blocking strike with strike—both of us ending in defensive stances.
ME: ERNI…!
ERNI: Dagger favors attacks from your right. Spear’s weapon requires a brief recharge after consecutive hits.
I used the intel immediately, lowering my defenses on the right. Dagger took the bait. He jabbed as I pivoted, bringing Dice around in a savage chop that bit into his shoulder.
VRRRSHUNK!
Armor and flesh split open, spilling out circuitry and synthetic muscle. A tube spouted white, arterial blood. The warrior squealed in pain, his damaged arm hanging limp at his side.
Spear circled behind me—his weapon recharged. He swung at my helmet. I ducked—energy spheres blazing past.
Count B lashed out, vines delivering a three punch combo, rocking Spear’s jaw.
KRACK!
He crashed to the ground, staff flinging away.
Dagger slashed one of B’s leaves.
COUNT BASIL: Leaf!
I pressed forward as Spear scrambled backwards, reaching for a backup weapon on his belt.
Dagger rushed in, slashing wildly with his good arm. His blade caught my thigh through the armor.
“AAAAHH—MOTHERFUCKER!”
I spun, raging out with both pizza cutters.
Dagger blocked the first strike, but the second caught him across his other bicep, spilling out ground meat. He screamed as his remaining blade dropped to the ground.
Spear pulled a serrated knife from his belt. He thrust it at me.
I twisted sideways, grabbing his wrist, using his momentum. He flipped over my shoulder—
WHAM!
—landing hard on his back.
I placed my boot on his chest, Slice growling just above his throat.
PZZZZYUUU!
A blinding energy blast sizzled past, striking the ground between us.
FOOM!
The shockwave sent us all flying. Stunned, I crashed into thick underbrush.
ME: What the hell was that?!
ERNI: Check your map.
I did. There was another warrior dot now.
PZZZZYUUU!
A second energy bolt hit the ground as Spear helped Dagger to his feet.
“Fall back!” he shouted, the two of them disappearing into the jungle.
I scrambled to my feet—pizza cutters ready. I spun around to face the new threat.
A masked warrior emerged from the treeline.
His armor was unlike anything I’d seen so far—sleek, custom-built, with a metallic orange paint that danced with the light.
His helmet was featureless except for a narrow, horizontal visor slit that glowed with blue light.
He held a modified plasma rifle, barrel still smoking from the discharge.
Count B stretched out his healing vines, ready to fight.
The masked warrior stood silently, studying me through that narrow visor.
I gestured at Frost’s frozen corpse.
“I had the situation pretty much under control.”
“Yo, I could see that,” the warrior spoke in a robotic tone.
He spoke again, this time without modulation and I immediately recognized that voice.
“But, on the real… maybe I was saving them from you.”
